Feeling trapped sad hopeless frustrated/lost...LONG VENT

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If the article you are referring to was I Hate School: Extreme Edition What School Refusal Means and How To fix It-in the Wall Street Journal on Sept 21st I read it. It talks about desensitizing them and slowly working them back into school. I also have a book called Worried No More that is about School Refusal. I have tried everything.

I don't know what the refusal is about-except that she is painfully shy and having to put up with a crowd of people all day is very difficult. She does very well one on one or in small groups, anything more than that is too much. I think she holds it together very well at school-far better than she used to. Now I think she is mostly mute and the times when I have seen her before she saw me she was sort of veged out at her desk, doing her own thing, not really paying attention. I think she likes to do work at her desk it is all the other parts of school that are the problem. She HATES PE and on those days her refusal is extreme. She LOVES music and on those days her refusal is the least of all. She tells me she is confused most of the day and doesn't understand what is expected of her. I know the teacher has to explain things to her in other ways-to clarify or show an example. She does make fairly good grades but that is with a lot of work on my part. If she flat out fails something, the teacher will send it home for us to work on and then she is allowed to retake the test. Some things are so painful for her. Some things seem so boring and pointless to her that she is not interested and will not "plug in" to the material. I have creative ways for using props, and showing her real life examples of what she is expected to learn. This can be hard and I have to brainstorm quite a bit. She is not a memorizer of mundane material, she needs to see it, feel it, experience it for the info to be set. That is why this private school is so outstanding for her academically, they stress hands on learning at each individual child's pace.

I also think that I am her "protector" and "safe person" and she is very attached to me. That is probably because I have run interference for her all these years and now she finds it hard to be out there, alone, without an interpreter. She is selectively mute sometimes, and not having me there to help her means she has to engage to communicate and I think that is very stressful for her. I am hoping it will be good for her in the long run and hope each year she will get more and more able to adapt.

for the selective mutism, have you tried using a pecs? my son is set up at school with a set of picture/word strips that they clip onto his beltloop every morning. he loses verbal ability when in meltdown or highly emotional times. the strips have various things on them such as "please leave me alone", "i am mad", "i am sad", "i need help", etc, with pictures to match the phrases (hes only 4 and in preschool, so the picture portion helps him and the other kids if he uses them with the kids). that way when he is unable to verbally communicate - or chooses not to - he can use the picture strips to get his needs met.

Yeah, I meant to say, that's how I would perceive it if I were her, and not that that's how you mean it.

I mean... I figure I can help at least a little. I was in my teens before I started talking to my mom in the right ways that finally let both of us understand the other's intentions. I figure if I at least can say something like that, that could get you thinking in the right direction, even if I don't know the right solutions, I might save you years and years of misunderstandings and then the horrible realization of what you've been doing all that time (and the same for your daughter, probably).

It definitely won't make it worse to acknowledge that it sucks. It will probably make it better, because when the reality of the situation is denied, I, at least, find myself twice as upset because I feel like I'm trapped in a strange alternate universe where no one can hear me scream. I feel way better when someone says "yeah, that sucks" or some better-thought-out variation of the same sentiments.

DS did not do so well with the schedule on the wall. This left area for worry and interpretation. This would cause his mind to be in chaos. So down came the schedule.

DS crumpled his homework also. How do you approach her on homework? Do you tell her it is 5pm and time to do homework? Do you have the same sitting area to do the homework in everyday? DS would outright yell and say NO when you used the phrase it is time to do homework. Then would come the beast. Kick, scream, yell, and cry. To fix this we would come home from school, ask him to get his papers out of his bag, then look through them. We then have him explain the things to us like he is teaching us about a drawing he made or what homework he would have. He seemed to handle this a lot better then an order. This makes it seem like it is his idea to start on the subject. We then put the homework aside and get to it at the scheduled time.

I would be careful with the note. You do not mean it to be, but it is coming off as an area that leaves to much to be interpreted . I know it is how you to get her to do the homework. You have to remember though that her mind takes things in and tries to make them as black and white as possible. That just leaves to many open ends. That is how I would see it for my own child. DS just could not put his mind around a note. It would flood his mind with to many what if situations. None probably happen, but that is just how his mind works. It is not something that he is able to stop.

DS Needs a schedule. An really precise one. Half a schedule does nothing. His mind needs the form that it creates. It fixes so many other issues. It does not cure them. It just simply frees his mind and makes him so much more open. In my last post I talked about him sitting at the same desk every day. I only found this out after evaluating his class one day. He went to his desk and his spot had changed. The teacher let him know this and he just had this blank look on his face. He started to retreat into his mind then moved to the desk that he was told to go to. He turned into a robot the rest of the day. It ruined his day. The entire day was lost simply by one action a person did not understand.

My suggestion to you would be to get to know your child. *Sees Mama_to_Grace look at me like I am crazy for suggesting she doesn't know her child* What I mean by this is you do know your child, but you need to get inside your child's head. See what she needs to open up to you. Its sort of like a NT to AS Translator if there is such a thing. My wife and I did this with my son so we could compare what I thought/felt from what she thought/felt. Basically an NT point of view verses an AS point of view. We took a pen and paper and made a table with the following captions. Meltdowns, Our reaction/Disciplinary style, Child's reaction to our reaction/disciplinary style. It really helps you sit down and evaluate what works and what does not work. It also helps in you finding ways to open up to your child's world. It might sound crazy, but if you put the time into this it would really give you some new insight from your daughters perceptions. It helps gauge a schedule, school, and so on. The hardest part to do on this table is to figure out your parenting style is not what she needs. I found things about my parenting style that was the wrong way to deal with our son and so did my wife. Just remember to keep looking at it from the point of view of what is in your child's best interest. This helps push back the negativity it could cause. I am sure if you need any help getting another point of view.. people in the forums would be happy to share.

I look at my writing and it makes sense to me, but if you have any questions please ask. What is clear in my mind is often not the case to everyone around me.

I didn't have time to really finish my last post.

The other thing is, telling the truth changes it from "everyone claims this is for my own good but it's not helping me and it's torture and it's all pointless" to "my mom needs me to endure this torture, so at least I'm helping her even though it hurts." I know it would probably feel better to you to believe it was for her own good, but you've as good as admitted that it isn't and the only reason you can't homeschool her is because it's inconvenient for you. I don't mean this to come off as really rude, but you've basically admitted it yourself-- you can't help, it sucks, you don't have the power to make it better. It does not hurt her to be honest about that. It helps; at least then she knows that instead of doing busywork for no reason, she's valiantly giving this her all for your sake, and is actually doing some good.

This IS rude. Paying the bills is NOT a convenience. Having a roof over your head is NOT a convenience. These things are necessities. How exactly do you suggest a single mom homeschools her child and still finds a way to work so that they can have food, shelter, clothes, etc.? Not that many people can really work from home and make enough money to make ends meet.

[quote="DandelionFireworks] but you've as good as admitted that it isn't and the only reason you can't homeschool her is because it's inconvenient for you. .[/quote]

Those are fighting words to parents who are doing their very best. I don't consider the mortgage, food and health insurance to be conveniences. Further, I don't think homeschooling would be effective living under the freeway. I was a homeless teenager, that's where I lived and it sucked. Today I make a good salary which affords us some conveniences. I could afford to make less and have fewer conveniences. However, a lower paying job wouldn't have me home more or give me the ability to homeschool, it would just pay less.

It is truly eye opening to me (and important) to see how out of touch with reality this thought process can be. As much as I feel very insulted as I write this, Intelectiually I really appreciate hearing it. It lets me know what I am up against.

Further - many of us parents assert that our children won't do schoolwork for us. That is very real and not a convenience issue. In addition, many of the kids here have learning disabilities which require specific training to know how to help. It is offensive to me and to the teachers who have masters level educations to assume that their skill is just a convenience....

OK - I am off of my tangent. DandelionFireworks, I do appreciate hearing how you think.

It's hard to explain but her selective mutism is not an INABILITY to talk (I don't think ) when she desires to communicate but when she becomes overwhelmed in a situation she will shut down. I don't think the PECS would help-she actively dissassociates from the surroundings/people/event and veges or stims. Case in point-at a field trip when everyone was listening to a lecture she walked away from it and started spinning. If someone were to try to redirect her back to the group she would be nonresponsive and if they continued to persist she would become VERY resistent/aggressive. I know it sounds improper in a NT world but I have directed everyone to leave her alone during these periods and that she be allowed to stim or veg until she can regain her ability to engage. She will usually come back to the group or show interest after a few minutes or so of doing this. SO, I think the coping strategies she is using is ok for now-yes it brings on judgment and seperates her from her peers-but it allows her that input in her world/moment of separation from our world to "ground" her so to speak.

Everything you say rings very true and I think the schedule needs to be fine tuned. Yes, I approach homework by giving her countdown warnings like "In 10 minutes it will be 5pm and time to do homework". Warnings usually help her EASE into the idea of something but she really resists when I insist that ok, it's time to turn off the TV and plug into homework. I try to make it fun, try to make a game out of it, try to offer incentives (her only effective incentives are TV or iPod time) but still we are in that rut where we do the same things every day and I foolishly expect a different result. So if you don't put the schedule on the wall, how do you make it "official"? How do you enforce it? We do have the same sitting area to do homework everyday. And yes, she can kick, scream yell and cry as well. If it is math she does ok (she likes math) but if it is writing words she is extremely resistent and complaintive.

I know I am going to get jumped on a lot for saying this but the reason I have not embraced doing a more restrictive schedule is that it is very difficult for me. If I have to enforce everything moment to moment then me getting ANYTHING done goes out the window because then I am basically walking her through everything minute to minute. It is a selfish reason I'll admit, because I need time to do household things and have a little decompression time myself.

I do see the note as a negative incentive for her but I thought that it was good that she cared if her teacher received a note. Also, I have explained to her that if she doesn't do the work now she can fail and have to take 2nd grade again. This is highly motivating for her because the last thing she wants to do is stay in school longer than she has to. I know it is a fear-based incentive but it is a reality and she does need to "get used to the idea" that things have to be done in order to prevent other unwanted consequences. If something is completely outside of her ability to get it done in one day I will write a note asking for extra time to complete it.

The teacher is really open to the idea of adjusting the homework demands on her. When/as she learns more about AS she will be more open I feel. Case in point: last night we had to re-study for a test that was particularly difficult for her (she originally made a 40 and that would have brought her science grade down substantially). The teacher asked if giving the test orally would help? I said no-that would not help at all. I told her to take the exact page we used to study-cut the answers from the page and have my daughter match the written answers up with the questions. She was open to that suggestion.

Whatever you want to call it. It's still not some reason like "she needs the socialization" or "she needs to be in school because I can't teach her math." Don't you consider being homeless quite inconvenient, and isn't it the mother's problem (unless her daughter is working)?

I would consider being homeless a whole lot worse than "quite incovenient." In all likelihood, it would be tragic for this family. My point is that there are not enough hours in a day for one person to work at a job so bills can get paid, take care of a household (do laundry, cook, clean, shop for groceries, etc.) AND homeschool a child with special needs.

I thought I had already responded to this, but it seems to have disappeared. Or I've lost my mind. Who knows

Anyway, while I know others have focused on a couple of sentences that maybe you could have worded more sensitively, I think you make a really good point, that I don't want to see lost, and that is about giving a child a sense of purpose, of being part of the fight so to speak. I know that has worked for my son, when he needs to do unpleasant things. If he can really understand all the reasons why he is being asked to face what he hates, then he'll dig in and figure out how to face it. Fight the good fight. He has that strength in him; he just needs a solid reason to find it. To help him do that, we've usually appealed to his logic, and often shown him a much more complete picture of the puzzle than most people would with a young child. But, it works. It is something he needs, to feel trusted with that information. That has been true since he was very little.

I so feel for you - DH and I both come from an arty background and neither of us is structured by nature; making this military-like schedule has been really difficult for us...not to mention that we get a lot of odd looks from other parents when it comes up. It's exhausting having every single thing you say questioned, too.

You can only do what you are able to do. Get help wherever you can and hang in there - I agree with the earlier poster, this age is really difficult; things did get easier in many ways from this point on for us, too.

Have you tried to move the writing to the computer? Have her try to type it up with your help.
There are also free programs on the net to print out "Fun" activites to write out words to sort of trick her into it. I hate to use the term "Trick" because its a form of deception. This is more like modifying a piece of paper to have fancy drawings and such to make the children more interested in drawing on it. It takes the "Learning/Homework" out of it and then it becomes Fun. It is the way they associate it. Also you could try and take the geography game she likes on the Ipod and use it to help her write out names of states, cities, or whatever part of the geography she is into. Say like the Letter M. Minnesota starts with M. Could you tell me something about Minnesota? If this is part of her interest. Modify it to fit yourself.

You are not foolish at all from what I read. You have a concern and want to address that concern. If that is foolish then everyone in the world is foolish. You simply want the best for your child and to be able to ease her pain. At the same time you also want to be able to go through life a little easier. Nothing is wrong with that either. Single parenting is hard period. Add on an AS child and the hard becomes almost impossible.

The putting the schedule on the wall only made it Official to the parents. DS saw no point in things being written down on a piece of paper and posting it on a wall. It serves no purpose other then being a piece of paper having writing on a wall. That in itself has no meaning to him. It has to be more concrete then that. You could see confusion in his actions and reactions while trying to listen to us on the words that were being spoke of it is 5pm do this, it is 7:30 do this. Doubt=pain/confusion to him. So we removed the doubt which removed the pain/confusion. Instead we act out the schedule. Actually DS Came up with the times. Not exact times, but we asked him when he would like to wake up. He let us know. We asked him when he would like to eat dinner..He let us know. Before he was able to pick times we made a time line on the computer with pictures of DS. Starting out with him in bed sleeping, eating breakfast, playing on the computer, and so on with his day. It helped out because he was able to put visual to words. It all the sudden meant something. So after the times were set by him in stone *with help of adjusting a little bit from parents* His schedule was born and the Time Line was complete. DS is Very Very visual. He is able to glance at something for just a second and he has the picture in his head to study. That is where the schedule is. We also put clocks around the house. He knows that if it is such a time he flashes the picture of the time line and looks for that time. It is enforced by this also. I know it reads as strange, but it works. Also reinforcement with the songs playing gives him something to identify with as well.

I wont jump you for not doing a strict schedule. This is up to you. Again..a single parent has double the chores and responsibilities.

I really like the idea of cutting out the words and matching them with the answers on the test. This could cause her mind to get over the issue it has with the writing/applying it. Good Job!

This is my daughter as well-very very visual. She can remember things she sees with amazing clarity-so much that it seems like a super power of sorts. I on the other hand need it posted somewhere.

I will work on getting her to come up with a schedule.

I'm up there with the parents for whom organization and structure is really hard. It isn't me at all. Thankfully, I only had to stick to it for so long; after a while, my son was able to flow with me a little better. He's kind of let me know over the years what I need to keep myself strict on, and what I can be more myself with. So, if you can cross the hurdle in the short term, it may not have to be a life sentence. Stay focused on one month at a time.