how do i teach my daughter about listening?

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My daughter, 12, is very very impatient when it comes to listening to the answer about anything. She will ask a question, and then literally I can be five or six words into the answer when she cuts me off with, "yes, shush I know, I KNOW ! STOP TALKING! WHY ARE YOU STILL TALKING? having got the gist of the answer from what I've said. Also, anytime I try to tell her something, like in the car on the way to school, basically to make conversation and not have complete silence, again it's "why are you telling me this, I'm not interested, I'm trying to think! This is my thinking time! "
While I understand this is true for her, she is not interested, I would like to make her understand that learning to let the other person speak is an important part of learning social harmony.

Also, could someone tell me why she needs to have complete silence around her for her to think? She is very defensive about first thing in the morning being her thinking time, and can seldom handle any conversation before school.

I am waiting to get her into a social skills group, but would that be the kind of thing taught in one of them?
I suppose thinking more on this , the larger issue is that in speaking to me she is a lot of the time incredibly cheeky and disrespectful and I feel I often dont know how to handle it effectively. She tells me "Quiet, parent" I mean, in no way is that an okay thing to say.
I often find myself in a crazy making repetative cycle of arguing through something with her, a total no- win situation, and have to really struggle to keep from raising my voice with frustration at how she doesn't "see sense" . Of course I'm not seeing her sense I know.
The only thing that has had good results and helped diffuse a situation is once or twice she has stormed off to her room, nearly brought the door off it's hinges with the slam, and after a while I have written a carefully worded note to her outlining why her behaviour is upsetting and unacceptable to me and pushed it under the door. She has then written back very articulately why I have upset her , and after a few notes have passed between us good humour is restored. However we cant spend our lives communicating through notes.
Anyway, just having a bit of a tough time with communication, it's very rare for us to have an argument free day. The absolute only thing that has any sway with her is a threat to limit computer time.
Does any one else have any tips on any of the above? I realise it's proabably should be headed under "general teenage communication difficulties"

I have a few things to say.

First, your daughter needs complete silence to think because she likely has processing issues and it probably takes her a while to organize her thoughts to coordinate her day. This is likely why she better expresses herself through writing. Processing issues in AS are thought to arise because of right hemisphere dysfunction and white matter abnormalities.

It might also be why she is impatient when it comes to listening, especially if you are answering a question. It can be difficult for me to listen and think simultaneously. She may be getting impatient simply because she can't listen to what you say and process the information at the same time, so the answer becomes useless to her.

I think before you proceed you should have an online chat sessions with your daughter and talk about these issues with her. In this chat session, your goal should be only one of listening to what she says and trying to understand her point of view. Don't try to reason with her to get her to see things your way. Rather ask her what it is you need to do to accommodate her. If you find she is having processing issues and that is at the hear of this, then it might be something to work on in a clinical setting.

If she is just being impatient and disrespectful, then you might give her a taste of her own medicine, so to speak, by asking her a question and then acting how she would when she starts to answer. Only do this if you are absolutely sure she is not having a processing issue.

Hey--

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time communicating with your daughter.

I wonder if you really understand the nature of sensory over-stimulation. School is so loud and so overwhelming that I can understand your daughter needing silence, or near silence in the car. She needs a break from sensory assault-- that's why she wants silence.

And she's probably rude because she feels like she's in pain. For a person with autism, noises and lights can cause sensations so extreme that we just need them to end, as quickly as possible. It's very important that your daughter learn to communicate this urgency in a way that also shows respect for the person she is talking to. This is one of the hardest and most important skills a person with autism can develop. The fact that you are thinking about it now is going to be of great benefit to her.

She also likely has impaired theory of mind, meaning it's hard for her to understand what's going on in your head. So it's hard for to understand that your needs are different from hers. This is probably why it helped to write things back and forth in writing. She needs neutrally conveyed information about your emotions, or she won't understand them. Frankly, if she can learn to do that in writing, she will be able to save relationships in the future, so I encourage you to use it when you reach a crisis.

When she says something rude to her, you need to explain to her what it was that made what she said rude. You need to tell her-- once-- why what she said violated social conventions and -- once-- why it hurt your feelings. Tell her that you need to help her come up with a polite alternative so that she will be more successful at getting what she needs. Suggest one, or see if you can get her to tell you what she needed, so that you will be able to figure out what to say when she feels like that in the future.

You need her to interact with you in the car; she needs that time to recharge. You need both to accommodate her needs and to push her to do better. I think you should work with her on the skill of compromising:
There are a couple of compromises I can think of:
- If she can tolerate music, that might fill the silence and make you feel more comfortable. An audiobook you can both enjoy might also be good. Sometimes listening to something with someone else is the most communicative I can be, and you might be surprised how connected it can let you feel
- Require a certain amount of interaction, and then allow her the rest of the time in silence. Maybe you each ask two questions, and have to give an answer that's more than a sentence long but less than five sentences long (or something-- just a limit so she knows how much she has to tolerate) Then quiz each other on what you said. Then let her rest.

Good luck, and don't feel like you're alone. These are issues I'm still working on in my relationships, and I'm 45. I'm grateful I had parents like you who worked on them with me, and your daughter will be grateful one day, too.

.My son is 12 and has AS. We have had the same problem for years. He would ask a question and after a couple of word, he would interrupt you and say "I know." When you would try to explain to him it is rude to interrupt people he would get very frustrated and shut down putting his hands over his ears. He has improved allot over the year. It has just taken repeating the same conversation over and over again. You do it when there not in the moment and frustrated. Allowing her to have a quiet moment first is a good idea. Then sit down and try to talk with her about the appropriate ways to have a conversion. Ask her to ask you a question but she has to Liston to the full answer before asking another question

Thanks so much Chronos, Vector, Psychohist and Alienmom. I read through your advice and will put what I can into practice. It so much helps to have people who have AS to explain stuff like that, and then it all makes sense. Yes the fact that she is so lucid on paper has always given me hope that we can really communicate, and she has that great outlet for the way that she thinks and experiences the world.