Helping son with college anxiety

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My 17 year old Aspie son is currently in the college application process. We've been focusing on small liberal arts schools (he's interested in history and politics) within a 3 hour radius of home, all of which have good support for kids with LD. I'm in the process of having his neuropsych updated so we can apply for necessary accommodations (he currently gets extended time testing, and he definitely needs help with executive function stuff like organization, planning assignments etc).

But the main thing is, it came up in his therapy session last week that he's really anxious about leaving home and "growing up." He's been away from home before, because his dad and I are divorced, but that's different. So I'm wondering, can anyone give me advice about what I can do to help lessen his anxiety (other than meds, which he's already on) and help to prepare him for next year?

I did suggest, after hearing this, that maybe if it's a choice between two college where one's an hour away and one is 3 hours away, maybe he should consider the one closer if he gets into both, because then it's easier for me to come take him out to dinner or him to come home for the weekend if he wants.

It's so hard because I know he's more than ready for this intellectually, but emotionally I feel like I'm pushing him out of the nest like a mean momma bird.

Are you in a financial position to where he can be one hour away and still live in a dorm?
That way, he can have the best of both worlds - privacy and home. When my younger brother first got married, he moved around the corner from me so he could settle properly in the emotional sense. After a couple of years, he was able to get his gusto together and now he lives out of state with his wife and new baby. He needed wings and roots but at the same time. Hope this helps. I truly feel for you both. Best Wishes.

[quote="RightGalaxy"]Are you in a financial position to where he can be one hour away and still live in a dorm?

Fortunately, his dad's side of the family has provided for his college, so yes. We'll have to see where he gets in, but I think that might be a good solution.

I do so want to help him make this transition successfully because I know he has so much to offer the world, and intellectually he is SO ready for it - I think he'll just thrive and blossom when he's in an environment with other bright people like himself and can spend time studying the things he's passionate about.

if there is an acceptable school within driving distance, you can consider the possibility of him living at home while attending school. even if only for the first 1-2 years as a transition period.

dorm living is very socially oriented. the dorms at the college i attended didnt afford a lot of privacy either, you shared a room and then shared a bathroom either with another roommate pair or with the whole floor, depending on the dorm. you can sometimes pay extra for a single occupancy room. its definitely not anything like living at home. unless at home you are surrounded by a couple hundred other 18-19 yr olds out on their own for the first time with no parental supervision. im nt and only stayed in the dorms one year before moving out into an apartment off campus.

so another possibility is renting a room or sharing an apartment. its a bit more independence than a dorm, more real world flavor, but you have complete control over your own life and activities, where you live, who you live with, etc. its a lot quieter and less socially oriented, more privacy.

I think I was able to make the transition to college as well as I did because I lived only an hour away and could come home on weekends whenever I wanted. Also, I did live in the dorms the first year, but I was able to have a single room, and I got a little extra money for when I couldn't eat what the dorm was serving. At the time I thought I was just a spoiled brat, but now I realize those were things I needed.

It's possible to transfer to a different school after the year, or couple of years, so if he's nervous now, I would encourage him to make proximity a big deal.

Also, start visiting campuses, if you haven't. Once he knows where he's going to go, think about arranging monthly visits there. For me, at least, being able to visualize where I'm going and find my way around there are really important to reducing anxiety. These visits would have been scary to me and I wouldn't have wanted to go. I would need them to be linked to something I really wanted to do or know about.

We've made two visits to most of the schools he's applying to so far (one to check it out and one to interview). That's a really good idea about the extra money for food. Although I've been joking with him that he's going to pick his school based on the sushi. He suddenly started eating sushi this year (! !! ! miracles!! !!) and we started asking "The Sushi Question" at every school. Pretty much every one serves sushi in at least one dining hall. SOOOO different from when I was in college and we got "Mystery Meat"

Give him a cell phone and tell him he can call you any time he wants. Also, if it's close enough to drive out in an emergency, tell him you'll do that if he needs you. Three hours might be fine for weekend visits.


I would recommend a dorm over a shared apartment for an aspie. I found a dorm perfect - sure some of the other students were socializing, but I didn't have to. I could just stay in my room and be antisocial all the time if I wanted.

The only issue is if you have to share a room. I was lucky and got a likely aspie rooommate my first year, then had the seniority to have a single room thereafter. If he can afford a single room, that might be a better choice.

Sharing an apartment inevitably ends up with a lot of negotiation about use of common resources. Is the dishwasher for clean dishes or dirty dishes? Who gets to use the stove when? What rules apply to food in the refrigerator? Those kinds of things are major hassles for aspies, and are probably better avoided when he's already making a transition to life away from home.

I might look into seeing if freshman can get singles. The only thing I'd worry about then is that he'd stay in his room all day playing computer games. I've already told him that he's not allowed to take his XBox or Wii to college until he's proved that he can manage his time and assignments without me there to be his Executive Function for him.

Hmmm. Must think about the pros and cons of that. I do know that all the schools said they do very detailed questionnaires for the roommate matching, so maybe he'd be lucky and get someone with similar attributes.

I have a little concern about not allowing the Wii or X-Box, depending on how well he functions without them. If they are something he uses daily to de-stress, coping without may be hard. I totally get your concern, though. Can you limit his time and keep track online? I mean, I know the consoles track activity-- I don't know how easy it is to track remotely or if he's tech-savvy enough to disable it. And you know him, so this could be a moot point. But I would be very cautious about pulling out supports that he can take with him. Even if he spends all of his time in class, studying, or playing videogames for the first semester, I would call that a victory if he got to class and did okay. Expecting him to make huge social gains simultaneously, like making all new friends, might be too much.

I totally see your point, and I've had MANY, MANY arguments with his dad about the screen time issue (dad wanted me to limit it, I was of the mind that as long as he gets his work done and gets good grades, what he does in his spare time for relaxation his his choice - I'd be totally pissed if someone told me I couldn't READ BOOKS whenever I wanted!) But I've thought about it a lot and he will have his DS and all the World Domination games he likes to play on his computer (and I'm getting him an upgrade computer for graduation) plus a lot of the colleges we're looking at have gaming clubs, so I thought that actually would be a good way for him to get out of his dorm room the first semester and meet people if he was that desperate to get on a console.

So I guess the first semester is an experiment. He'll have some of his gaming release stuff but not all of it - and there will be consoles available through the Gaming Clubs, so I guess he could take some of his favorite games with him.

Yeah, if he has the DS and computer games, earning the consoles makes tons of sense, and using them as a carrot to encourage interaction is very smart.

If you really do think he's ready for college, don't feel too guilty about pushing. A little nudging can be a good thing sometimes.

If he's feeling more than the usual jitters about leaving home for the first time and he seems really anxious about heading off to college, though, would a community college be a good alternative to consider for now? My son is 19 and when he was in his jr/sr year in high school, we visited several colleges that we thought would be a great match for him. He just wasn't comfortable at the thought of living away from home. He decided on a community college and is doing well there. It's giving him the opportunity to see what college classes are like, to earn credits that can be transferred to a 4-yr college if he decides to continue and pursue ad BA or BS and to mature a little more before he heads off on his own. It's worked well for him so far. Good luck.

Hello there

For starters, my first suggestion (correction, imperative necessity) is to let your son take HIS PROPERTY when he goes off to college. If he is mature and organized enough to get things done, and has shown himself capable of doing so, then what right or reason do you have to hold HIS PROPERTY ransom. And even if he isn't organized, then you still have no right to hold HIS PROPERTY ransom. Plus, if he doesn't want to concentrate and work on his school work, then the lack of x-box isn't going to stop him. He can easily distract himself and squander his time by playing on the computer, playing on the DS, reading a book, or staring off into space. The issue at hand is making sure he has properly organized his time and his resources. Holding his entertainment hostage is a ridiculous method of accomplishing that. Even if he was poorly organized and forgot to schedule himself, then stealing his x-box isn't going to change that. If your concerned about his ability to organize, then teach him a good organizational system to keep him scheduled. But don't simply take what isn't yours under the insane notion that theft will somehow make your child more organized.

Secondly, if your child is very worried about going off to college, then he can do what my brother did. He can take about 30-40 credit hours at his local community college while living at home, thus saving a lot of money. Every single college will require some silly fluff classes like mathematics for literature majors, and literature classes for math majors. Just get all of the general education classes done with at your local community college, and then transfer them to the university of your choice. Not only will he be able to live at home, thus saving money, he will also be able to adjust to the increased demand of college courses without also dealing with a whole new social dynamic and living method at the same time.

Beyond that, if he decides to move out and live near campus, then get him a single room, off campus if needed. He may need to put up with a 15 minute drive to find a reasonable apartment rate, but it is better to drive 15 minutes to and from school each day then to live with a complete stranger who may or may not be a good person to live with.

Most kids are scared to go to university. It's a huge transition. There will be a whole lot of kids in those first weeks feeling like your son, and not just the spectrum ones.

Although there will be kids who care more about the social aspects of school than the mental ones, university is a far better place to find kindred spirits than highschool. Aspergers and academia are a good match. No matter where your son goes to school, encourage him to investigate clubs. Most universities have a "club day" early each semester where groups set up tables and recruit members. Even if he's too shy to interact, by looking around he might find things he's interested in doing. I've got a pretty good "asperger radar" and in my school, the anime club, astronomy club, and gaming club were places an aspergers kid would fit in just fine. Student societies are a good place to go as well. My school had an active one for students with disabilities, another for LGBT students, and one for women. They're great places to find mentors and interact with classmates in quieter, smaller groups than in the chaos of a dining hall or noisy dorm rec room. Sometimes you meet friends in class, but most of the people I really connected to in university were people I met in clubs, seminars, and societies; I was agonizingly shy back then.

Dorms might be a fantastic idea, or a terrible one. See them before you decide. They may be far too noisy and allow too little privacy for an Aspergers kid to ever feel comfortable. As for the consoles? It's just a console. It's unlikely to be the critical difference between pass/fail, just as it's unlikely to cause personal trauma if he goes without it for a few months. Pick your battles. If you think that having escapism too readily available might be detrimental to his chances of thriving, that's your call. However, if he's gotten through highschool without letting any responsibilities slip due to gaming, he probably won't start now. Or if he does, it's an indication of bigger problems with his adjustment.

Why do you want him to go to College? A job would be better for him.

What makes you say that? I'm not getting that sense from the OP's descriptions.