My mom needs advice...

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Okay, first thing's first. I am seventeen-years-old and I live with my mom, who's been divorced since I was four. She's really busy with her job so she's often completely stressed out. And family helping out is not an option since they're all too absorbed with their own problems (it's a very negative environment). Anyway, my mom works from 7:30 AM to 6:30 PM every weekday. She's not able to take much time off since she's making our really expensive house payments on a single-parent salary (in fact, she's the only single parent in this neighborhood).

I was diagnosed with AS and ADD back in spring 2003. Before then, I had been seeing a psychiatrist since I was about four-years-old (ten years earlier than '03). Anyway, my mom basically has no clue about what's going on most of the time. She's too busy dealing with her own problems.

I don't really know where to start off with everything, so I'll start off with one of our main problems. I have an obsessive need to go places, mainly being the mall. I don't have my liscense, so I have to rely on my mom to be able to take me somewhere. Anyway, since she's working all those hours, when she comes home she just wants to relax with the pets and stay home. But since I've already been home for a while (I take half days of school), I am desperate to be able to get out and go somewhere. My mom and I both have pretty dominant personalities, so she'll become just as angry as me about this. If she refuses to take me somewhere, I get really mad at her and vice versa. We don't really have normal arguements. Our fights can often be physical as well has verbal. These fights often don't simmer down until the day ends or even goes into the next day. I hate having to go through this. This happens about two to three times a week on average.

Mom doesn't know what to do about my obsessions. Right now, my latest thing is obviously "Cars". I love that movie. Anyway, pretty much every time I see a Cars-related product at the store or something, I feel as if I must have it. I'm like a little kid at the store. If I don't get what I want, I throw a fit (but usually later on, when we're both home rather than right there at the store). In fact, when my mom and I saw Cars for the first three times in theaters (I've seen it ten times), she'd refrain me from talking about it for a week. I'd yell at her for putting me through that and she'd yell at me and so on and so forth. I really hate doing this with her.

Another thing my mom doesn't understand is listening to me. I ask if she's listening and she says she is but she's really not. For example, I'll have her promise me to take me somewhere and she does. But then later on, she says she never promised anything and we then get into a fight about it. This happens all the time. She ignores half the stuff I say, and has even admitted to it. I am so sick of her doing this to me. It's literally driving me insane.

Another thing about my mom is that she loves animals more than humans, and has even admitted to it. She has three Pomeranians and three cats and would rather have them than me any day. She spends all her free time playing with them, making sure they're happy. If I try to "interfere", I get screamed at. I know she has to clean up after them and take care of them and stuff, but would it kill her to spend some more time with me? I try to spend time with her, really. But she doesn't want me to. She'd rather watch The Weather Channel with Winston, her favorite pet. If I yell at Winston for being bad (he has no discipline), I get grounded for a week, yelled at, screamed at, and possibly hit. It's a really bad situation.

Also, I am getting really sick of my mom calling me anorexic, when I'm really not. I'm 5'2" and weigh around ninety pounds. My mom is constantly forcing me to eat, even when I'm not hungry. And I hate eating when I'm not hungry. I have no room to put the food in me. And my grandma is making matters worse by telling her I don't eat when I'm over there. Well, duh! She doesn't feed me!! ! She'll let my little cousins eat, but not me! And then the opposite sometimes happens with my mom. For example, last August, there was this really cute skirt at Sak's, and my mom wouldn't let me get it because she said it'll make me look fat! Well, what am I?! Anorexic or obese?!?! There's absolutely no reasoning with her!

When my whole family is together, it's always a bad situation. My family really can't stand each other and it's gotten to the point where family means absolutely nothing to me due to everyone's negative attitudes and constant arguements. Here in Indiana, we have my mom and I, my ten-year-old cousins living with my grandparents, my aunt, my uncle, my great aunt, and her ex. We're all in the central area, but all in different townships. Anyway, my family disagrees on everything. It's become really insane. In fact, here's the most recent situation. My mom and I were with my great aunt and her ex at a bowling alley last week. We all sucked at the game except for her ex, Gig, who was getting strikes. My mom gave me permission to ask the employees to put the bumpers on so I did so. When Gig found out, he threw a huge fit. He started yelling, screaming, and swearing at me and our fight did get physical, which was really embarrassing since everyone in the bowling alley was watching. Carol, my great aunt, was of course taking her ex's side when he was completely wrong to being with. My mom and I left and Carol called my grandma immediately, sharing her version of the story. Then Carol seemed to think that my grandma was taking our side and screamed at her. She later sent a nasty e-mail to her. At least this is what Grandma is telling me. She is now taking our side since Carol reacted that way to her.

Here's another situation with our family. My little cousins have always been my grandparents' favorites since they were born when I was seven. In fact, my grandma is trying to live through Jessica and everyone knows this. I've been completely taken out of the picture with them and they refer to me as "that other one". At Christmas, my cousins get the most gifts by far every year and still expect me to get them stuff, even though I get nothing from them for Christmas or my birthday, which is three days later. Anyway, this has been going on for way too long. I get kicked out of family vacation plans for them every single time now. Even my mom gets kicked out for them! My cousins are very spoiled. They get everything their little hearts desire no matter what it is. If I get something they want, they automatically get it. But if they have something I want, I either a)have to pay for it myself, b)wait for Christmas or my birthday if I'm lucky, or c)not get it at all. I am extremely jealous of them. They don't even appreciate their stuff! And Grandma seems to think (and has told them this lie many times) that I don't pay for any of my stuff and my mom gets me whatever I want whenever I want. The opposite of this is true. I've told her a billion times, but since she won't listen, she won't believe. Whatever Grandma feels is the truth is what she'll stick up for. And to tell you the truth, she's often wrong.

There are many, many more situations, but I won't get into them.

I don't really know what to do anymore. All this has been going on waaaay too long. What should I do? What should my mom do? Please help!! !

I am having very similar issues with my parents as well.

Tim

sounds like you both have alot to deal with....have you tried to have therapy sessions together to work out some of these issues ?

Yeah, we both go see a counselor one to two times a month. However, my mom disagrees with her on about everything. She's a very pushy person.

I would NEVER go to a therapy session with my parents. I went to a therapy session with my parents once, and it was the worst hour of my life. They spent the whole time discussing my "issues" right in front of me, and I was barely able to get a few phrases in to defend myself, as they did the "be quiet" motion with their hands (it was a hand gesture me and my parent agreed on; well, they made me agree). The therapist even joined my parents in criticizing me for the bad grades I was getting at the time. My parents, in turn, ranted and raved about my obsession at the time, with me in the same room.

You need to be very careful about who gets invited to therapy with you. I made the mistake of being talked into having my husband speak with the therapist before under the guise that it would be to help him understand better. It quickly turned into a "she is non-compliant" kind of thing and even though I quit the therapist it still left a negative impression. So - while it sounds like a nice idea because people who love each other should be able to share their concerns - the therapist is also a wild card in all of this and they can be extremely manipulative themselves.

Hi there...

I know this story well. My mom is/was a lot like this when I was a kid and even today. I am almost 36. It's hard being the family "carpet" and playing second fiddle to a dog. My mom could come home on her lunch break to let the dog pee, but not pick me up from school and have to bum rides from other co-athletes after school. As far as your family, they see your "disorder" as a weakness and get their high from picking on your or bullying you. It only makes them feel better. Some people who have big problems in their life try to remove their problems for only a few minutes to make you feel like a piece of crap!

You are almost 18 years old, you're almost an adult, even though you have ASP. It's okay to have obsessions in life and like many here, we probably have more than 5 at a time! It's when you realize which obsessions are going to have to remain private to everyone so not to drive everyone nuts.

I know you feel like you are spinning your wheels, but get a plan together for after high school. Let you mom know you want more out of life. Be thinking of obtaining a goal. Check out local colleges and tech school and what they have to offer. I wish had done that. I couldn't see past the next day as a teenager. I had all these obsessions that could have turned into great careers!

Keep your chin up!

to add to macaddict's (very good) suggestions, I'd also say that at some point you may find yourself wanting to reinitiate contact with your mom/parents. Do so on your terms, as an adult.

Sounds like your poor mom needs a real break or at least a vacation and some people who can help her out. All mom's can use some advise. The one thing you need to remember is that your mom was once your age too and had all the feelings and desires you are having right now (minus your medical diagnosis of course). Although she's all "grown up" she still has things that she'd like to do, aspirations that may have never been achieved, and she may not be able to do what she'd really like to do for you and herself; especially since she is trying to maintain a household as a single parent. I'm sure your mom drove her parent(s) insane wanting things, wanting to go places and do things everyday after school and on weekends too. I know I did and both of my daughter's are now doing it to me too. I work the long hours your mom works and just want to relax when I get home. It's my own fault that I didn't get my daughters to help me with household chores like washing dishes and laundry until this year (my eldest daughter is 13 and my youngest is 11). Now that they've started helping me with some of the household chores that gives me more time to relax (even if it's just a half hour) when I first get home and then I can recharge enough to do some of the things my daughters like to do. My husband bought me a 250 cc scooter this year (he has a motorcycle too) and we all go out for rides after I get home from work, if the weather is nice. It's fun and we all like to do it together. My husband even taught my 13 year old, Amanda, how to drive/ride my scooter and she's doing well enough to earn her motorcycle endorsement... except now she has to wait until she turns 16 to get it.

I went through a divorce myself and was a single parent for over 6 years before I met and married my 2nd husband. (What's funny is that I knew him in high school and hadn't seen him in 15 years when we found each other last year.) It's very hard to be a singe mom and when a single mom has a special child like you and like my little Emmily it's even more difficult. Emmily is my 11 year old daughter's name... she has been diagnosed with ADHD, ODD & Asperger's.

Sometimes mom's, like your mom and I, get so tired and worn down that they just want to give up or focus our attentions somewhere else as a way to escape from the reality that we find ourselves in. We need help too. You're mom doesn't care more about animals than she cares for you. Those animals are an escape for her. It's something she can control in her life because she sure as heck can't control you. Right? She can help and tend to her pets and she gets instant gratification from them because they wag their little tails and snuggle right up to her. I thought my mom loved her dogs more than me too. But I was wrong. She loved me more than them. They just didn't give her the hard time that I gave her! When my mom died 2 years ago (she was only 48 years old), I made sure to list her dogs before me and my brother in her obituary because we had already grown up and left home and her dogs were the only "kids" that lived at home with my mom. Now those dogs are my dad's "kids".

Your mom can't get that "instant gratification" from you that she gets from her pets. You are a "long term" project. What do I mean about that? Well, I mean that it's going to take a lot of time for you to grow, mature and become a productive member of society. That can be discouraging when you don't know if you're raising your child right. Mom's like us get frustrated and depressed too. We think things like, "I didn't sign up for this!", "Why is God punishing me?", "Why won't that dead beat b@$tard of an Ex-husband help me with our daughter?!" or "GOD! Please put an end to my misery!" I know I've had some of these thoughts and feelings from time to time. Emmily has brought me to tears with all the frustrating things I've had to go through with her. Heck, she's made her sister feel just as frustrated as I have. BUT, I also know that she can't help herself so I try to find ways to help her express herself better and find better outlets for her "energy".

You know what? I came from a rotten home life too. BUT, I didn't let it control who I would become when I grew up. No matter how poorly someone treated me I returned their ill will with kindness... sure I lost my temper on occasion, but I'm only human. The good news is that you are 17 and should be graduating from high school soon, if you haven't already done so, and can get away from the negativity you may have in your family. I got away from my family by joining the Air Force and spending my first 8 years of my "adult" life in Japan and Guam. It was scary. I had never been away from home before, but my "buddies" soon became my family and I surrounded myself with people I liked to hang out with and who liked to hang out with me. I don't know what your life has in store your you, but try to "look out side the box". There is something better out there and you can find it if you look hard enough. So what, if you and your mom or other family members don't have the best relationship right now. All that can change with time. Plus, you can fill that "void" with friends that make you feel like you have an extended family until you are able to smooth things over with you own family. But, don't wait too long. You never know what will happen in life and how long the people we love will be in our lives before they are taken from us.

My only question about your weight is, are you on medication(s)? Emmily had lost her appetite while on Adderall and was under 40 pounds until she was almost 9 years old! I was horrified and I bet your mom is just as scared about your health too. Emmily has been doing much better since she went on Concerta and has finally gotten to over 80 pounds (at about 5 feet tall). Heck, she eats like a horse now! I don't see how she stays so skinny. Anyway, my "so called normal" 13 year old is 5 feet 3 inches and weighs about 120 pounds. She's not too skinny and she's not fat either. She's a very healthy young lady. I think that as long as you eat well balanced meals and aren't eating a lot of junk food you should be OK. But you need to make sure you are eating at least 1700 to 2000 calories a day in healthy foods. (OR talk with your doctor for his recommendations for your body type.) Anything less than that will make you lose weight and you don't want to do that. I have this discussion with both my daughters all the time; whether they think they are too skinny or if they think they are too fat. I'm alway pointing out that they need to eat a balanced portion of protien, fruits and veggies at each meal and that they need to minimize the bread, pastas and sweets.

This is a lot to take in at your age. You may, or may not, see the truths in what I'm telling you. You don't appear to have the relationship with your mom that I have with my daughters. I've kept my promises and have never betrayed their trust. They come to me and tell me everything... and I do mean E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G... even the stuff I don't even want to know about! But that's the kind of relationship I had always wanted to have with my daughters and I hope I will be able to maintain with them until the day I die.

Good luck to you and your mom.

Lightening, you mentioned you take half days at school. What do you do with the rest of your day? Is there anything you can do around the house to lighten your mom's load? My DS runs the vaccuum every day, takes the trash to the dumpster, and sets the table for dinner - he's not yet 12. His little sister who is 7 emptys all the little trash cans into the big one for him and she clears the table after dinner and does some light cleaning from time to time.

Is there a public bus you could take to the mall? If you have an official dx, in many towns riding public transit is free or very cheap. Do you think you could hold down a p/t job, even just on Saturdays perhaps? Maybe helping out neighbors, something not too stressful. That way you'd have your own money and could use it on Cars stuff or whatever.

Also, are you in a transition plan? It's a plan that helps you transition from h/s to either college or work. If not, you need to get in one right away.

As far as the family, BTDT. I moved 2000 miles to get away from my bunch. See if you can't stay home rather than go when you know it's only going to be ugly.

You do need to watch with being physical. If you take a swing at the wrong person, dx or no dx, you can be charged with assault, aggravated assault, and if you had anything in your hand, aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. These are felonies in most jurisdictions, and you will be treated as an adult.

Good luck.

Edit - also - if you qualify you may want to think about applying for SSI. Your mom would actually need to apply, on your behalf.