My daughter wants to be friends with the mean girl

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Hi there,

About 8 months ago I became friends with a lady in my area. She has a 5-year-old NT daughter who I took almost an instant disliking to, because she was very rude and bratty. She is an only child and is very indulged (has every toy imaginable) and receives no discipline and her parents turn a blind eye when she's being rude to another child or even an adult. Out of all the 5-year-old girls we know, my daughter (who is 5 and has HFA) for some reason has developed some kind of fixation on this particular girl and keeps wanting to be her friend, but the girl just keeps being nasty to my daughter.

A few months ago when my daughter's social skills were really starting to take off, my daughter spotted the girl at a crowded amusement park and immediately went up to her, tapped her on the shoulder and started talking to her. I was rejoicing on the inside because this was probably the first time my daughter had initiated a social interaction! And in a crowded amusement park of all places! However, I was crushed when the girl just turned abruptly away from my daughter and stuck her nose in the air. My daughter came back to me crying, and I tried to console her by saying that maybe the girl was just too busy to talk to her, and would talk to her another time.

Over the past month we've been going to art classes (moms attend with their kids) and this girl and her mom is there, too, and this girl's bullying has become much worse. My daughter keeps trying to talk to the girl and join in her games and the girl either ignores her or tells her to get lost. The girl has also been trying to get the other children to gang up on her. She makes up things about my daughter and if my daughter tries to defend herself by saying "You're mean!" or something like that, the girl uses it as ammo against her and goes around telling the other kids not to be friends with her because she's rude and calls people 'mean'. She's very manipulative like that. She doesn't even care if I'm watching.

At today's class (which goes for 2 hours) the girl was worse than ever. She was playing a DS and my daughter wanted to watch. I politely asked the girl if we could watch and she abruptly moved away so that we couldn't see the DS screen and said "No!" I asked "Why not?" And she said "Because she's rude!" (meaning my daughter) I just about lost it and said very calmly, "She's not the one that's rude." The girl didn't listen and by this time my daughter was in tears and spent the next hour crying and wanting me to hold her. I kept trying to tell her just to ignore this girl and find someone else to play with. I even went so far as to say that this girl is a mean girl and she shouldn't try to be friends with her. Unfortunately after my daughter stopped crying, she kept trying over and over to talk to this girl and play with her and the girl just kept being nasty, even hitting her with a cushion.

I'm also beginning to notice that even when my daughter isn't trying to talk to the girl, and is minding her own business, this girl starts plotting with other children about ways to upset her, whispering secrets in their ears, and will then march up to my daughter and say something insulting in her face and laugh if my daughter gets upset. I think this girl realises that my daughter is different and wants to bully her for that reason.

I really don't know how to get the message across to my daughter that she should avoid this girl and that she's not worth the effort. My daughter doesn't seem to realise just how mean she is. I'm wondering if I should make a social story, something along the lines of "Mean girls vs nice girls" - how to tell the difference, that mean girls should be avoided and one should only play with nice girls, etc.

Also, I'm sick of the mom just turning a blind eye. I've noticed that when this girl runs up to her saying "I hate so-and-so" instead of the mom reprimanding her or reminding her about the golden rule or something, she actually says sympathetically "I know you do" as if it's ok to spout hatred about other children! I also don't get why she's letting her daughter endlessly torture a special needs child. My friend knows that my daughter has autism. I don't think she fully gets it, but still, why would you let your child bully any child let alone one with special needs? It's disgusting.

Anyway, I just wanted to get that off my chest mostly, because it's been bothering me for months now. I would also welcome any advice on keeping my daughter safe from this bully... or how to explain that she needs to keep her distance and ignore this girl.

I am so sorry to read this...and I'm remembering being a kid in kindergarten and first grade and having this sort of thing happen to me - I was terribly confused, and of course nobody identified what was happening correctly, so I learned the hard way.

It may be that your daughter is having difficulty connecting the difference between this girl's actions and her words - I remember this: all the other girls had to do was say, privately, "we're friends," and I would assume we were, despite their sometimes nasty behavior. There were girls who would play nicely with me in private and snub me publicly. I think I always had an idea that I could "fix" the friendship if I just tried hard enough (and I've heard my own son use those very same words about a relationship he's struggling with.)

I did some looking around the internet, I don't know if this article will help as it's geared towards older kids, but I think it's on the right track, and might help you build a social story: http://autism.about.com/od/theautismcom ... lies_2.htm I like the idea of the social story that shows it's what kids do and not what they say that shows they are being a friend.

Sounds like the other little girl has her own issues, too - not that it's your problem. So sad.

I can't offer much advice because my son simply avoids social interaction with his peers. Also, I think girls tend to be a little more social to begin with. I just wanted to say how awful this little girl sounds. That is very sad that her mom just lets her do whatever she wants.

I think the social story idea sounds very good, and also just keep talking to her about it. I know my son gets ideas in his head, and it takes awhile to get them out. I would say try talking to the mother, but I don't know if she really cares that her daughter is a brat! I think in time, your daughter will come to understand that this girl does not make her feel good when she is around, and maybe she will start to understand.

In the meantime, hopefully, you will find at least one nice girl for your daughter to be around.

Hang in there!

Try exposing her to a different group of children that does not know of this girl.

I assume there is not a way that you can keep this child away from your daughter? This type of abuse can be very damaging if allowed to go on for a long time. I had many of these little girls in my childhood and there have been these types of children in my kids lives. Its easy to get angry with them but to me they are just a "type", not sure what to call them but they seem to be every where and in every generation.
First, its good that you focus on the positive. Its great that your daughter actually is initiating social contact...that is awesome. It may be the wrong kid but hey, she is still doing it, good for her! Most Auties dont do this or do not do this at such a young age. My daughter is the same age and she does not approach other kids and would not be fully aware of it if they were snubbing her. This too is pretty awesome.
If I were you I would talk to the teachers or the mother if they would be open to educate this child and maybe the surrounding kids about Autism. My daughters new school has done this and a few of the little girls have sort of adopted Maddy (my daughter). Little girls can sometimes be very mothering and helpful when they understand why the "strange girl" acts that way. Other than that the only suggestion I would have would be to keep them away from each other.
It might be that something about this girl is appealing to your daughter...it could be something superficial like her hair or her clothes. When my daughter was four she seemed to very interested in a little girl at swim class. She would always look at her which was very strange. One day she sat next to Maddy and I learned pretty quick that Maddy was only interested in this little girls hair ties (she wore only princess hair ties). I know when I was a little girl I wanted to be friends with some girls because they smelled nice....strange but true.
Regardless I hope that you find a solution and I know how hard it is to watch other kids be mean to your child. I used to hate dropping my son off at school and see him try to talk to the other kids and they would just turn away from him.

This is very similar to an experience my daughter is having with another child in her class. I had to finally insist that there be no interaction between them. This has helped everything diffuse a little and let the emotions settle and the hurt feelings heal somewhat. My daughter wasn't really fixated on the girl like your situation but there is the same general interaction between them and this girl is like the girl you mention. Really there was no way for me to deal with it head on except eliminate my daughter's interactions with the girl. You probably need to explain to your daughter how the other girl is being rude and encourage her to find a "nice" friend. This is a very good opportunity to start teaching your daughter about what "nice" means and what "rude" means and why we don't continue to let a rude person belittle us.

I can kinda relate to not wanting to let her watch her play DS. It just sorta creeps me out for people to look at me drawing or something over my shoulder.

I suggest finding another little girl for her to play with. Are there any AS groups in your area or do you have any other friends with kids. Perhaps she could make a friend with one of them? Most AS groups tend to be full of boys though.

My daughter was being bullied in the same way and I told her to stay away from the girl. I told her every day. I said to never initiate conversation with the child, just be polite if spoken to.
I also explained to her so she would understand that the bullying has nothing to do with her, and that people who bully others are defective and you should stay away. It worked for us.

Thanks everyone for your replies!
I agree that I need to keep my daughter right away from this girl. If my daughter is having trouble understanding that she's mean and that she shouldn't speak to her, etc. I think I'll just have to make a concerted effort to keep her as far from her as possible, even if it means physically removing her from the room where the girl is present.

My daughter has only just started being social in the past 6 months or so and I don't want this girl damaging her social development or confidence in social interactions so I agree that they need to be kept apart.

I think my daughter is finally 'getting it', though, because today I asked her: "Why do you like [girl's name]?" and she replied, "I'm never going to like her again - she's mean!" I said, "Yes, she's a mean girl. If she comes to you, you need to just walk right away."

True! I'd like to say something to her mom, but the mom believes that her daughter is perfect and can do no wrong, and that it's always the other child's problem, and not her daughter's. It's very frustrating.



The mom of this girl is the mutual friend of my other friends in the area I live in, so whenever one of them has a social gathering, this girl is present. The girl also goes to a local private school that my older NT daughter goes to, so whenever there's a school event, the girl is there, too. And now she's at the local art class down the street. So to keep my daughter away from her altogether, I'd have to avoid social gatherings, the art class, etc, which isn't really fair to us. Luckily my daughter with autism goes to a different school
(a local public school which has special ed services - the private school that my older daughter and the mean girl go to doesn't have provisions for special needs kids)



My daughter will be starting first grade soon and the girls in her class seem friendly and none of them know this girl, as the girl goes to another school.

Momsparky - Thanks for the link. What an awesome quiz -- I could see that being invaluable to kids for teaching them the difference between healthy and toxic friendships. It's given me some ideas for a social story, too!



I know what you mean, but she didn't mind that another girl was watching her play the DS, so I think she was just trying to be mean to my daughter specifically. I don't think there are any AS groups in the area for children, though the local autism organization sometimes runs social classes. I'm about to start attending a group for females with ASD but it's more for adolescents and adults -- they said I could come along, too, even though I'm NT, in order to learn more about ASD for my daughter.

Nostramo and Mama_to_Grace, thanks for sharing your stories also. I'm sorry that your daughters had to go through the same thing. Girls can be so bitchy... though I'm rather shocked to see this in a 5-year-old. It makes me wonder what she'll be like as an adolescent or adult... In fact, I think some studies have already shown poor adult prospects for children who are bullies, like boys who are bullies are likely to end up in jail as adults. Not sure about girl bullies. I agree that our girls should be kept right away from these bullies. Bullies often just can't change, sadly.

I apologise for the irrelevance of this question - but was the amusement park MovieWorld, DreamWorld, Wet'n'Wild or SeaWorld?

Why yes, it was Dreamworld!
How did you guess?

Although I reside in Christchurch, New Zealand, we recently visited the Gold Coast, and seeing your location, I suspected that it may have been one of the local theme parks.

Ah, ok, that makes sense. For a second there, I thought you were someone who knows us in real life!

I am sure that your daughter would have enjoyed DreamWorld, and especially the Nickelodeon Centre. I am 14 and even I was in ecstasy when initially seeing the Nickelodeon Centre.

Although my little brother isn't AS (he is ADHD, however) he is similar to your daughter. He's ten years old. Even if a child is manipulative and mean, he craves their attention and will go so far as to give them a toy to get them to play with him.

Are the girls in preschool/kindergarten together (I think preschool is for kids younger than her, I forget)? If not, I would use their time together at art class to develop her social skills by talking to other kids and avoid the rude girl. If you ever have to intervene between your daughter and the girl, I would try to be as firm/clear as possible without being openly rude/mean (to the rude little girl). And does the mom of the NT girl know your daughter is autistic? I think you should definitely talk to her (whether you plan on disclosing that information or not) and tell her what's going on between the girls. And if she says something like "oh, they're just being kids" then be prepared for what you're going to say.

I see you've had some good advice here, and i have to say i did the same thing you did with my son, i tried to give him a list of things that makes a person " a friend" or " a mean person" , since just "feeling bad" when you're around someone isn't necessarily a clear enough clue, ( i have felt HORRIBLE in my teens when passing by a nice boy i had a crush on :p )
Just a list of things he wouldn't do to someone he likes. And if someone does it to him, then he can infer that the person doesn't like him, and forget about them.
But indeed your daughters reads clues in an impressive way already, at her age, if a girl had turned away from me while i was talking, i would simply have walked around her to place myself in her line of sight LOL....