bathing

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Hi, I'm new here and a new stepmother to 2 teenage AS boys.My only real problem with these 2 is hygiene.I have been married to their father for one year and he has just pretty well given up on making them wash.Oh they get in the shower, make a mess, get wet,put their dirty clothes back on but there is no soap or shampoo involved.I literally hold my breath and the school calls continally....please help

Hi There

We have much the same issue with our teenage AS son. It's a real tough one to resolve as in my experience they are so insistent that they know best as I am sure you will know. I don't know if this would be an option for you but I find bathing works better and making it a bubble bath so that at least they are getting the benefit of the bubble bath. We also have a nightmare with the hair washing and even hair brushing I don't know the ages of your step sons but I sometimes get away with washing my sons hair over the bath with the shower which makes a difference. Someone mentioned to me that it sounds like a bit of a self esteem issue. Lack of personal hygiene, no interest in looking good, not bothered in general. I think at that age it is very possible that it is connected to this. I hope you have some success with sorting this issue out!! Good Luck!!

The boys' father has to step up and teach them the proper way to shower, and then make them do it. Hygeine is a basic need, a basic skill, that all children must learn and attend to every day. As a parent you have to pick your battles, and proper hygeine is one of the most important. But in your case, my opinion is that this is the father's job. You must find a way to get him to do this...it should be his battle not yours.

A number of things can be contributing to the problem. First is that AS kids like my son honestly don't care. They don't see or smell themselves, and don't really care what anyone else thinks of them (to my son's eyes, people should just take him as he is, period, no ifs ands or buts). I don't think it's a self-esteem issue, but a simple logic one: my son truly does not comprehend why the world cares about hygiene. It makes no sense to him.

So. *I* can't deal with it if my son stinks or looks bad, despite how much I love him, and I've put my foot down about it. I've told him that it's similar to how he feels about certain things his sister does; he can't handle them, and we ask her to reign them in. Well, I can't handle it when his hygiene is bad, and most people in the world can't handle being around someone whose hygiene is bad, so he has to work on it. A mutual respect thing. Oh, he's still fought it every step of the way, but I'll wash his hair over the sink with the hand held if he doesn't wash it, so he's working on it.

Now, many AS have sensory issues with soap and similar, so you need to dig deep on that and address it. Any valid issues with the process should be respected and addressed.

Also, the boys may just be spacing out in the shower. My son does that, too. He's off in his own world and kind of forgets why he got in. For that, we set up reminders. My husband will usually pop in a couple of times and remind him, and for a while we had a sign over his towel. My rule is that he has to remember to use shampoo and soap at least every other day; if he forgets just one day, we let it slide. He's in the shower daily so there is always a chance to catch up.

Last edited by DW_a_mom on 18 Jan 2011, 2:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

How do you know if he forgets one day?

It's obvious when he gets out of the shower; how his hair looks. We'll see the hair and ask, and he'll confirm he forgot. Teenagers get a lot of oil. Freshly washed hair is oil free. Freshly washed faces are oil free. Look for the oil.

After only a day?? A day is barely enough time for my body to go from being uncomfortable after a shower to starting to feel normal again!

Are NTs trying to make us uncomfortable? Because you can go to another room away from someone who smells bad-- I can't go away from my body. I mean, I'm sure you aren't actually trying to... it's just that sometimes parents are so frustrating, you know? Always so focused on trying to make sure we learn to behave in ways that hurt... I know you mean well... but sometimes reading this forum... never mind.

I think the only way to do it is to make it into a routine. Like every morning or every evening, let them jump into shower, sing some song like the wash song in Snow White and get all the necessary procedures done. For boys it really doesn't take more than 5 minutes. Their dad should supervise and get them into this routine. Once it's established they'll feel like they're missing something if they didn't shower. Good luck!

unless you have to eat at the same dinner table. or sit beside them in school. or share an office with them.

if someone wants to live in a cabin in the woods like a hermit, they can stink all they want. but if they are around other people, its not respectful or acceptable to force others to live with the stink. and teenage boys stink if they dont bathe regularly and properly. no one is saying they have to wash with scented soap and wear cologne, there are non-perfumed alternatives that will get rid of the stink without making you smell like youve been shopping for hours at abercrombie & fitch.

something else to consider is the fact that its hard enough to be a teenager, much less one that is considered weird or different. adding in offensive body odor is like painting a huge target on the teenagers back and spraying it with bully attractant.

finding something they can tolerate that does the job is hard but the only option. whether thats shower or bath, bodywash or bar soap, scented or unscented. our youngest is only 4, so bubble baths 3-4 times a week are plenty to keep him clean. our oldest is in the stinky teenager phase tho, he will happily go days without bathing and doesnt notice his own offensive odor. we require bathing 5 nights a week, on school nights, and he is free on weekends. he make sure he has a bodywash that he finds acceptable (he prefers fruity scented ones over the manly scented ones). other than that, just making sure he has clean clothes on every day seems to do the trick.

one of the keys tho is to make sure they do take the shower and wash. even if that means reminding them every night and smelling their hair after they get out. thats what we still have to do daily. we can make all the rules we want, but if we dont enforce them on a daily basis, the rules go out the window.

My boyfriend is AS, and hates the way his skin feels when soap is used on it. He will use liquid Castile soap on the most offensive body parts, and he showers every day. Still, there are a few times when I have had to remind him to shower on the weekends, because he gets so involved in his current projects.

If my son had real and severe sensory issues with being what I consider clean, I would be more sympathetic, but despite ample opportunity to express that to us, and despite being pretty good at expressing himself, he has not. I did make allowance for the sensory considerations in my first post, and noted that they do need to be honored. But in the case of my son at least, this is a child who goes to school and lives with other people; unless we've got a compelling reason to do otherwise, he needs to be relatively clean.

I have a sister who can only bath twice a week because of serious issues with her skin, and no she doesn't stink. The same factors that make her skin so sensitive thankfully also reduce the oils and other things that tend to smell. I accept that bathing needs actually can vary from person to person, and I do pay attention to figure out what is going on with my son.

If our kids were to tell us exactly what you just told us, every parent here would stop and try to figure out a reasonable compromise. But our kids aren't. And we ARE asking.

I am glad you posted, however, because it is important for parents to be aware that to you, and perhaps to their child, the act of washing IS hurtful. We don't realize it's a possibility without someone like you letting us know.

we live in a rural area but I have made special trips to get unscented shampoo(*it's even for oily hair!) unscented soap that soesn't dry out their skin.I agree with the spacing out...I have suggested baths and they both say NO! girls and babies take baths! they are 17 and almost 16 so they are sensitive to that.I have tried all sorts of things...thanks eveyone for the suggestions and support.It really is vital for me to hear that it is not just my kids,not just cuz I nag them,they're not just being stubborn.

It's not so much washing (...though I've never quite figured out how to do that as well as most people) as right afterward-- my heels are waterlogged rather than sharp (I walk barefoot a lot and never do anything to soften them), ditto my rather large collection of hangnails (purposely cultivated as stim-toys... and I don't feel right unless I'm stimming with them constantly-- washing my hands bugs me, too), and I'm less oily-- I don't smell right. And I don't know which feels worse-- washing my cheeks and getting the oil off, or leaving them be but having it take on this awful texture... But while I'm in the shower I don't have any issues with it. I can do it daily for short periods of actual necessity (like because a whole bunch of people need to think highly of my dad, or I'm barely breathing and need the steam), though I confess I can't be called good at it. (How do people manage to smell acceptable to each other for a whole day after showering? I'm afraid I never smell "nice" for more than half an hour.)

This is really enlightening, though. I understand NTs better now. (...Not well. Better.)

Sorry to thread-jack, amywesternor.

My 12 year old AS son hates showers - is terrified of them
He was able to explain to us that a shower feels like hot needles and it sounds like screeching, so, he has a bath instead. He and we are a lot happier, takes longer but less stressful for us all.
His twin sister (also AS) loves the shower and regularly uses all the hot water -

in one word...deodorant...I just point them back in and say "Pit stick"!

Owowowowow... ouch.