Extreme compassion in 14-yr-old HFA son

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I'm new to all this social networking and forum stuff. So bare with me. Also I'm new to this forum. I have a 14-yr-old boy with HFA. Came across this forum after talking with another parent whose daughter has PDD.

Not sure if this is symptomatic of HFA or not. But it has shown to be something of a problem recently. Appears to be something new. Don't see a lot of it at home. Seems to be more prevalent at school. It's as if my son is showing extreme compassion.

My beloved boy, 14 years old, moderately athletic, pretty big for his size. Never has had problems with school bullies as much as what I have read about with most ASD. He almost always sits alone at recess and lunch break reading books and doing schoolwork out of all things. He is in special ed and has befriended a couple of the kids there including one who is nonverbal. I'm grateful for this, he is making friends, but is extremely protective. He appears to befriend those who are having struggles and stuff. I tend to think this is good, but I have gotten a report from school stating he goes overboard with his overprotectiveness. A recent case in point.

I got a call from the school from one of the teachers. This teacher reprimanded a student for being mouthy. The student became anxious after and began crying. What I was told was that my son stood up and screamed at the teacher then dared to "walk the student outside to get a bit of fresh air." I talked to him after getting off the bus. He told me that the teacher made the student cry and just could not bare a thought of not doing something about it. My son can dwell on all sorts of stuff, family arguments, almost everything. I am not sure how to handle this situation. He really believes he was helping out. School tells me this is not the first sign of this, that it has been going on for quite some time.

At home, he is often a tease. At school, they say he's far more serious and very perceptive of everything around him. Like at home, if he doesn't like what we discuss at dinner table, he starts grabbing things of I or my husband and hides them, waiting for reactions from us and then laughs about it. I have to constantly tell him that I don't find it amusing. He likes to kid around. At school, it's as if he has a far more serious tone. He often does not know when to joke or play around, or his jokes go too far, so he simply shuts up and does what he is told. But this compassion thing? Neither I nor my husband see it at home. The teacher said she is concerned about his defensiveness. His demeanor to her was a bit threatening.

Is this problem common with ASD? I'm not sure how to handle it. I feel awkward in disciplining for it. The teacher did tell me that the next time, he will get detention. But I just don't think he will understand. He gets hurt very easily but often can't properly show it.

Oh. Yeah. My name is Tammy Selovitz. Forget to mention it in the post. It's at my nickname, if anyone looks.

I'm not sure if it's common but it can happen. I guess it could also be seen as a sort of extension of the obssessive interests thing that most of us have. I myself usually am more interested in people with struggles in life, I immediately feel close to them, to the point where I refuse to live my life and do certain things if it goes against my principles, which has caused me a great deal of problems. But that's usually fine, I know the consequences and can always choose to do differently if I see no other way. But in your son's case he may not know how to deal with certain situations yet in the best possible manner, he's probably not aware of the consequences his actions might have. In and of itself I don't think that 'extreme compassion' is a problem, on the contrary! I think there's nothing more important in life than caring for others and trying to alleviate their suffering somehow. But he needs to know that he can't just yell at people who annoy him or his 'protected ones'. He needs to know that there are other ways of dealing with this kind of situation. I think it's worth trying to talk to him about alternatives to aggressiveness.

Disclaimer: NOT A PARENT, am a person on the spectrum who has lived the life and a pretty good guy

What if your son took the tact, 'Okay, alright, . . . ' Maybe even signaling subtly for the benefit of the other student with his hand slightly elevated above the table top, signaling stay cool, it's alright, we can handle it.

Your son is a political activist, and good for him. School can often need political activism. But there may be a more low-key set of skills he can add to his repertoire, and the direct challenge to authority can be more like an Ace he keeps in his hand, that is often more valuable when you don't play it.

Yup, as a child, I stood up to a teacher once. Teacher in question was holding up the work of our one SPED kid as a "bad example" and she laughed at it in front of the whole class. I stood up and said, loudly and angrily, "I don't think that's funny." As a result, I was kept after school (although my Dad for once agreed with me, so he came and picked me up at the regular time) and wasn't allowed to participate in extracurricular activities. I still think it was worth it. As an adult, this has translated into me taking on various political issues in our town and successfully making our town better.

I think this can happen with Aspies who have a strong sense of right and wrong. If I were in your position as a parent, I'd have two questions: 1) Did my son interpret what happened correctly? (Teachers do mess up sometimes.) If not, I'd go through the event piece by piece and show him where he misinterpreted things (sometimes kids do cry when they did something wrong.) 2) Is my son willing to accept the consequences for his actions, even if he is in the right? Third, I'd try to help him understand that there's a fine line here - screaming at the teacher was probably not the right thing to do but there are appropriate ways to respond if he feels a teacher did something wrong. Willingness to stand up to authority can be a real strength - but not when you tip the scale towards vigilantism.

The other stuff, we have that with my son, too - he also tells inappropriate jokes at the dinner table. It's part and parcel with missing or misinterpreting social cues. I know my son uses us as "safe" people to test things like practical jokes or potty humor on - that way he has an idea of what kind of reaction to expect if he does it at school (this doesn't sound like what you describe, though - it's one scenario.) I think the teasing is part of the same system - I would venture to guess that your son is struggling to interpret what is going on and to find an appropriate way to express himself when someone makes him uncomfortable or angry; seems like teasing is his alternative to exploding or melting down at the dinner table.

Sounds like you have a really neat kid on your hands, one who's going to turn into an incredible adult. Congratulations.

Thanks for all the replies, feedback. Since this incident happened yesterday, I called his teacher today. Wanted to find out how his day went. I suppose I should be asking my son. Asking him how his day went is a lot of effort for him and often wants to avoid it, so he says usually just good. He says good, as he told me, to make me feel better. He knows I worry. God knows I worry too much. He says he doesn't know how he feels, since all he ever feels is "frustration". So, yeah, I understand and put up with his teasing, maybe more than I should. But if he's happy, then I'm happy. I know he's happy. He is frustrated a lot, but he still is happy. I suppose, maybe, he simply wants us to all be happy.

So I called his teacher back today at day's end. And she told me she had a talk with him. And that the day went fine. I am personally greatful for that. She had told me something though that never crossed my mind. Maybe it's good advice for others in similar predicaments. She told me that she told him ... yes, it was upsetting to the kid and, yes, the kid cried, but also that the kid was getting loud, and to keep others safe and secure, she needed to scold. My son actually took to this. He hates noisy classrooms, literally hates it. I got home from work, went to pick up my son, and asked him about what I and the teacher discussed. He was open to the discussion, at times a rare event. We often have to work to pull things out of him. But he just openly said ... I also talked to my friend, told him to, please, keep it down today.

Now, who said autistic kids can't show empathy?

Thanks for that reply. I do not want him to lose this compassionate side. He has a tendency to become cold and callous. I know that he isn't inside, but from an outward perspective to other people - including some family members - he is sometimes seen as such. Most people do not see his compassionate side. So I think this is very enlightening. Not only do I have to explain now that he is autistic but also I can provide evidence to a couple of my aunts and uncles about what it all means. He has a side that he is just not all too willing to show, a good side, a compassionate side. I was afraid if he started getting detention and being scolded for it, he would withdraw, as he has so many times done before. He starts to open up, gets scolded for it? I don't know. I just didn't like the prospects. But I and his teacher had a talk. It seems to be going good.

As far as teasing and meltdowns go ... you could be right. I guess I'm assuming you are right. I don't have a problem with the teasing, but a few of my family members do. And it's like I'm afraid to have company over. If he is scolded, he runs into his room and starts screaming. He can not handle heated discussions, arguments, stuff like that. I have a couple of close family members who like to argue. And then my son resorts to this teasing mode. He can be very provocative with the stuff and tries to amuse people with his intelligence. I'm just hoping as he gets older he can take better to understanding social interaction, that not everybody is going to agree, etc. We're certainly working on it now. But he still withdraws a lot, spends too much time in his room, won't talk about his day, can't express his own feelings. He's certainly doing better than he did two years ago. I think the school has helped. And I was the one who was a bit annoyed at placing him in special ed. My husband opposed it. And we couldn't talk about it in front of our son. But yet somehow he hears all our conversations from his bedroom. And we had a really bad time at one point. He always talks about wanting to go to college, it's his dream. My husband feels he needs to be mainstreamed. He's so much happier where he is now. But I don't know. We do have these disagreements, and just sorting them out with our son present is so hard, very hard. Nowadays, we have to talk about these things when he's not home. If we are home, he hears us argue, he turns off his room tv and starts listening. Such a great kid, but yet so frustrating.

.Tammy Selovitz

Hi Tammy,
My daughter has just started school 2 weeks ago in Melbourne Australia. Bullying was certainly something I was really concerned about.

I've been lucky to chosen a school with a buddy system and my daughter has a older primary aged student who keeps an eye on her during recess and lunchtime. My daughter s buddy is fantastic and really hope they may continue this into next year.

Hi Tammy,
My daughter has just started school 2 weeks ago in Melbourne Australia. Bullying was certainly something I was really concerned about.

I've been lucky to chosen a school with a buddy system and my daughter has a older primary aged student who keeps an eye on her during recess and lunchtime. My daughter s buddy is fantastic and really hope they may continue this into next year.

I think people get confused as to the meaning of empathy and compassion. I sometimes dont understand why people get upset about certain things because these certain things are not something I would get upset about.....this would be a lack of empathy, a lack of understanding why they hurt or are upset. On the other hand, when I see someone hurt, crying or otherwise upset I want to help them or stop whatever is hurting them....this is compassion. I worked many years in the medical field because I wanted to help people who "hurt". I think many people with Autism and or Asperger's are very compassionate people. We may not always understand why people are upset but we do want to help.

Very important point - should be stickied in this forum, as this misunderstanding will no doubt resurface time and again.

You should be proud. Your son is a good boy and he has not fear to stand up for his friends.

I am proud. I am definitely proud. I wouldn't say he has no fear. But he does stand up for what he believes in. And he doesn't like to back down. We both raised him with good manners, good etiquette. We're all proud of him.

I guess what is more bothering me isn't so much the compassion thing. That I adore in him. But it's like why does he open up to friends at school and not to us? We have trouble getting through to him on various things. He gets annoyed if we try to help him with his homework. I sometimes wonder if it's things we have said to him in the past before we really knew about his dx. I suspect my husband as having shadow traits of AS, but even he claims to not understand him at times. He acts very paranoid at times around us. But then again we have had issues with money, we have moved three times since he was six years old, so maybe it all took its toll. We knew something was off since he was four or five. He never enjoyed "show and tell," and never brought his own interests in, but rather brought in pens and other things of little to no genuine value. But we didn't find out about his HFA dx until 11 years old. He remembers everything, and not only does he remember everything, but can remember where I was standing when I said it. He is a very secretive boy that does not like group activities, and I guess I am hoping it will get better with time. Or maybe I'm concerned for nothing. Unlike those with AS I've heard, my son is not passionate about sharing his interests with others. Even with his current cadre of friends, he is mostly to help them but does not share his personal life. He told his therapist what he does is a "secret." And I don't want to push him. I'm afraid it will make things worse. But I still want to try to push, but I back off in his best interest. I back off when he gets upset. And I just don't know if I should push forward. Maybe that's the question I should be asking? Should I try to "force" him to tell us how his day went, about what he is interested in, etc..? He carries a folder with him everywhere he goes. If someone dares to look at it the wrong way, he gets very, very defensive.

.Tammy Selovitz

I got very defensive from my parents because I had no control over what they knew about my life or how they saw me as opposed to my friends and everyone else. My parents were always incredibly nosey in my eyes and very annoying when they tried to analyse me and come out with ludicrous statements like "we know you're depressed" when they were just completely wrong, I wished they would just leave me alone instead of forcing me into conversation, forcing their way into my room to force interactions with me, forcing me to make eye contact, forcing me to tell them things about my life that I didn't want to and that were none of their business. I felt like I was being raped to be honest. As time went on I became more and more secretive to try and compensate. Questions like "what did you do today?" became very unacceptable to me; not only because it's invasive and there isn't really a polite way to avoid an answer so it's trapping you into telling how your day went but also because the question is completely pointless to me unless something actually unusual happend during the day, thats the only time that kind of question should be asked in my mind. The best advice I can give if you want an open relationship with your son is to give him lots of space, never force him to tell you things about his life or to share things he doesn't want to, don't watch him or look at him all the time, this is also an invasion of privacy. The more you push the more he will close if he's anything like me.

As for compassion, I am overly compassionate, when I was young I cried at watching trees being chopped down on the TV. I have strong morals and when things happen (eg my boss taking her newly castrated dog into work to show me) I can get upset but I don't usually act on it like your son, I keep it bottled up and just hate everyone more, I think it's a great thing he has morals and acts on them, most people seem to just have standard conformist morals they haven't thought of themselves but have been given by society.

If you can't imagine how your son is feeling when he's being made uncomfortable by someone watching him whilst he's doing an activity or he's being asked questions he doesn't want to answer just imagine being naked in front of a jeering crowd, being stripped of privacy is kind of similar to being stripped of clothes I feel. Though I am actually all for naturism but that's a different matter

Weird! this sounds like my own childhood. The worst thing is my parents never used to (and still don't) listen to me when I did actually have something to say.

Could it be also simply his age? He is prepubescent, and at that age children tend to kind of disconnect from their parents a bit - but it's only outwardly disconnect. In that age, it is very important that parents continue to talk to their children, to try to get through to them and continue to educate them. Apparently, non of that effort is really lost on them, though, so you just keep on trying to get through to him. As Churchill would say, KBO.