just when i think....

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I've had some more thoughts since I posted a couple of days ago, and vague memories of prior threads, and I hope we haven't frustrated you into leaving the board forever. You are trying out some things recommended in other threads but those by themselves won't resolve everything, and maybe we can all brainstorm to get the situation moved to a better stage.

One thing that started me wondering was this whole cookie party reward night you mentioned. The "bad" kids read in bed. Well, you know what? Odds are my son would have considered reading in bed the better bargain than hanging out in noisy kitchen. Any chance your step son is actually choosing to get the "bad" option? It doesn't change that I don't like the message the whole set up is sending to the kids, but it might be another step of insight.

Before we can be effective in resolving the issues with the step son, I think you really need to resolve the issues with you. That isn't an accusation; many a parent with young children gets overwhelmed to the point of not being able to see clearly what all the options are. I certainly was in that space when my son was 3 - 4 years old and my daughter a baby. I remember well all the challenges I was tackling and how poorly I was seeing my real options. I regret to this day many things I did during that time, but am very grateful for the small steps I did take that started pulling me out of it. The phone call to a different pre-school where the director magically had the perfect advice to give me (just because a child is attracted to something, does not mean it is good for them. Watch the effect on behavior because maybe he really can't handle it). The part time nanny I found, the perfect personality at the perfect moment (a luxury few have, but it could be said she saved our family). Family counseling someone pushed us into that semi turned into my counseling because the moment we stepped into it I realized how badly I needed a safe place to just let go. Fixing ME allowed me to fix the situation with my son, because what he need more than anything was for me to see clearly what he was trying to tell me, and what he really needed. No preconceived ideas of what a good parent does; no following the rules someone else was reciting, just me understanding him. That is what he needed from me, that I hadn't been able to give him.

So.

The living situation. It sounds like a huge drain for you. I realize the step son has needs that you are trying to meet, and that we discussed on this site in other threads, but meeting them at the cost of your own sanity, and your ability to feel connected to him is not the right answer. A balance needs to be found. I'm not sure how to brainstorm this on a message board, but maybe we can start with getting a more precise layout of the house. I'm kind of wondering if the upstairs room can be divided; your space during X hours; his during Y hours. Perhaps an amoire office station that is locked tight during his hours, and you sleep there (no issue if he uses the bed during his hours). Maybe that idea is all wet, but a different one might work. But I do believe that is going to have to be step one: getting your mind to a better place, so lets tackle it first.

i spent alot of time writting a reply to you and it got erased somehow so i will try again when i have time.

I just wanted to throw in that I and a few other people on this board are very upset and worried about this little boy. Im sorry but I believe that just like many posts before where you have been given wonderful advice you will continue to ignore it and continue to BLAME your step son and expect people to feel sorry for you. Guess what? I dont feel sorry for YOU!
Read your own words, no one on this board talks about their children like you talk about this child. Everyone gets frustrated with their kids and I am aware that this is not your flesh and blood child, but that is no excuse for the abusive way you talk about him. I have never seen you say one positive thing about him!
Someone pointed out to you in another post that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Obviously you are going to continue to treat this child the same way, yelling, belittling and emotionally abusing him and will expect him to get better. From what I see he continues to get worse. You said in another post that a doctor told you that your step son was "severely emotionally disturbed".....I wonder why that is?
Do you ever wonder WHY he does these things??? Or do you honestly think that he is doing these things just to make your life miserable? Because if that is what you think....that is really scary!

I hope that you have a change of heart and you try to find some help for yourself and please, get some help for this poor little boy who is literally SCREAMING for it!

Everyone, I realize a certain picture emerges in this thread, but please remember that there are other threads and other parts to the story. I think people (including me) need to have a stronger feel for the whole history to figure out how to help this family.

Let's remember: telling a mom she's totally wrong does not help a family. Not the mom, not the child, not a single person in it. As parents we tune that out or grab a sword and strike back: we have to, it's survival instinct. We'll never get to the next day if let ourselves listen. The volume of criticism we each face almost every day no matter how perfect we are can get that intense. And don't forget that to listen to us she's going to endure a lot of crap from people in her real life. Been there, done that, right, with few friends relatives or teachers believing in your approach?

Figuring out how to change a situation that is clearly upsetting to witness is difficult, and who knows if anyone can do it, but we do know what does not work.

missyKrissy, everyone on this board struggles. But we all have different demons to slay. Lots of our members grew up with parents saying many of the things you are saying and know that the general approach and rule behind those phrases didn't work for them and never made sense to them. They LIVED it from the other side, and that is why they react so strongly. I know some of the posts have been harsh, and certainly could have / should have been filtered by their authors, but it's reactive to a history that they know caused nothing but increased issues in their own childhoods.

AS kids NEED a very different method of parenting, right down to how you phrase every request made to the child, and what you believe discipline is.

Anyway, despite having a crazy work life right now, I would be happy to see if we can sort this out a little better for you, and if we need to talk in pm that is fine. I may not be visiting this board much in the near future, but I will get immediate alerts when a pm arrives. No one wants to see you or the child as troubled and stressed as you are at the moment.

MissyKrissy- You are only human. I have trouble handling one little 5 yr old Aspie. He really tests my patience at times, and his behavior is no where near as disruptive as your SS. On top of that, you have 3 or 4 other kids to handle. Anyone would be stressed in this position. Yes, maybe all situations haven't been handled exactly perfect, but none of us has handled everything perfect. You are reaching out and trying to get help, so I commend you for that.

I still really wish that the foster care system could send you some help.

Hang in there.........

We're all humans, we all make mistakes. With regards to yelling, it is an extensively proven fact that it does not work for delivering a message - not even for normal, neurotypical adults, less alone for children on the autism spectrum. When someone yells at you, you don't hear the message.
My son is still only 13 months old (will be tomorrow) and I haven't yelled at him, yet, but was tempted, once. But I know it would have been wrong. I see my sister sometimes yells at my 7 year old niece (whom I suspect is on the spectrum as well), and when I remind my sis that yelling doesn't help, she says with regret "I know...". She tries not to yell, and if she does, she realizes it was wrong to do.

So we're all human and have our failings. But we must recognize when we do something wrong, or we'll never change it.

I do understand what MissyKrissy is saying when she says that her son does not respond to just talking either. I have to use a firm voice to get the point across to my son who is almost 6. That is the only way he realizes the seriousness of something. If he walks up to a hot stove and goes to touch it, if I just say "honey, don't do that" he is not going to listen. He needs some over emphasis to get the point. There is a tone of voice that can be used that is not yelling, but lets them know you mean business. In my experience the yelling has only caused my son to start swinging his arms at me, and then it gets out of hand. I have also found that I can talk to him sometimes about things in a calm voice when he is calm too, and then maybe it gets through to him. Still not always sure though.

Which just made me think...have you tried explaining things in pictures? There's a whole system called PECS that often works when a child won't respond to verbal instructions - somewhere here somebody linked a free version - here's one http://www.pecsforall.com/pictoselector/index_en.html

I would like to just follow DW a Mom along and say ditto. At first, I too thought this was a much older, disturbed child. This kid is only 5 and it sounds like all the adults in his life have failed him. I am sorry he came to you this way. It isn't fair that you have to find the answers. However, I am assuming you knew he was a part of the package when you married his father. (I don't recall any of your other posts, so if the backstory is different, I'm sorry.) Someone needs to find the answers for this child. What you are doing isn't working. It is time to do some research and find some alternatives. It is better than being angry at a child and expecting him to figure it out and fix it on his own. It can only make your homelife better. I agree that is sounds like you are overwhelmed and feel like you don't have the time to research and fight for this little boy, but it can only make your life better. I think it is a good time investment for your family.

As a reformed strict parent, what you are doing won't work. I was raised an only child. I am NT. My Mom was very strict. I thought I was going to be able to throw my kids "the look" and they would know to knock off whatever they were doing. Doesn't work so well when "the look" isn't even registered by my AS kid. My son is very high functioning. He read and did math very early. He is also very social. He seeks out friends, so even though we did have him tested at 3 years old by a very good neuropsychologist, his was a case of needing to wait a few years for the differences to become apparent enough to pinpoint a diagnosis. I let an old fashioned first grade teacher tie me into knots trying to force me to see my son was either ADHD ( he can focus fine on anything if he is in a quiet place.) or very manipulative. As a result, I came down very strict and very hard on my son that year. I wish I could take back every punishment I gave him that year.

By that way. You never mentioned his Dad. Is he an active part of his son's life? Or did Dad just dump the problems of his son onto you? He absolutely needs to be a part of this. If his Dad is uninvolved, the boy can feel this too and it can't be helping the family dynamic. I can't give you any concrete ideas because it doens't sound like you have researched and looked objectively at what is triggereing his behaviours. Since everyone is different, it is hard to say with him. However, this can be turned around, but it will take some work first.

This post has really disturbed me. The basis being that you have too much to cope with! Your expectationsa re far to high for this little boy, he is reacting to the instability of not understanding where he fits and how to behave. Hes 5!! ! Emotinally , he is a baby. Hes stealing, thats pretty normal for a five year old nt to be honest!

Please seek support, you need to change your way of thinking, you need to learn how autism prevents development and you need to learn to understand how the world is presenting to him, how your communcation is presenting to him. Everything needs to be black and white. Set rules for your family, set achievable and consistent rewards for all of the children and make sure that the consequence is not wooly and that it is as simple as possible.


Supervision is the key, it seems you are just muddling along in chaos, this has to change. Consistency is hard work but its what he needs, you other children will benefit too.

There is no question you have your hands full and it seems that you are struggling to get in front. You have to do whatever to make sure you are always one step ahead. No children should have access to shampoos and makeup never doubt that. Children are hard work, Nt and AS

today went well. no stealing, or lieing. only tried to hit baby once but was stopped before he did it. no meltdowns. he was very loud and running around, playing on the slide and talking my ear off. sat nice with me for a few minutes and had some yummy cookies. he even got the reward at home and a school today. didn't argue back once or try to boss anyone around. it was wonderful. wish there were more days like today. well, for him anyways. my other son has been throwing up for 2 days so i don't wish for more of that..lol.

i will reply to some of your posts tomorrow if i have time. SS is turning 6 next week and DD is turning 12 just a couple days after that. i have alot of work to do on their birthday projects. i always make them something special. SS is getting a mini-quilt for a stuffed alien i made him a few weeks ago, and i am going to try and do both a weighted vest for him to have at school and some puppets which he asked for. DD wants copies of her favorite stuffed dog.... i have already made her 3 but it's what she asks for everytime.