Parents, I'm trying to help

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Hello, my name is Jacob and I'm a fairly recently-diagnosed adult with Asperger's. I work part-time as a freelance writer, and I've begun work on a book to help parents understand their children and to teach them some fairly essential things that don't come easy to us Aspies. I'm drawing mainly from my own experiences as a child, the behaviors and thoughts that I now know to have come from AS and how it feels/felt realizing that nobody understood me. It will also have a small "memoirs" section with anecdotes that parents might relate to. I'm a happy adult, and I want parents who may be struggling to have hope for their children.

What I'd like to ask is what do you, parents, want to understand better about your children? What skills/habits seem to be the most confounding to teach? I know what things I needed to learn as a child and what helped me to develop. I know what your child may not understand about you, or what they may assume that you understand about them but that you likely do not understand. As an Aspie, there's a lot that I might not consider with regards to NT parents, so I'm asking for feedback, please. Thank you.

I'd like to know what happens inside when my son is so angry he starts to beat on people? also how to make him understand that altho it's normal to want to hit someone you can't do it.

I'd love to know why he takes a hammer to his toys and smashes them into bits only to cry later that he misses his truck. I know this must be some kind of sensory need but what can be used to replace it? I did try building him a small shop with wood and hammer and nails and screws thinking perhaps he could build things instead he didn't ever want to use it instead just smashing the toys.


I want to know what the facination is with water and how to get him to stop running up a water bill over over 100 bucks/mo lol.. he turns on the outside hose to make a river for his boats.. I bought him a small pool thinking this would be water to float the boats he would just dump it and refill it and continue with the river. I broke off the handle on the outside spout so he wouldn't be able to turn it he simple found a wrench and did it that way , i turned it off inside the house he figured out which thing to turn it back on (hes very sneaky with it) I bought an industrial lock to put on the spout outside if he asked i would unlock it and he could use the water for a while then i'd lock it back up.. he simply picked the lock and then tossed it into the woods. He will take up to 3 baths a day sometimes more....

I would love to know how to make him understand he doesn't need to be perfect. He struggles so much with reading because he wants to have it perfect before he does it. If he could understand that only with practice things improve maybe it wouldn't have to be such a struggle

I would love to know why he doesn't see that a chair cannot hurt him that he ran into the chair... he constantly breaks things like chairs if he runs into them saying i want to kill this chair i want to smash it into pieces.

When I used to run into things or hurt myself, I would scream, but not how normal kids would. My parents described it as a scream of indignance: how dare it hurt me! I think it's just an emotional response. When I got older, I learned that I would not have so much trouble sitting down or walking through stuff if I literally made eye contact for where I wanted to go.

Maybe he is angry with his toys. Maybe not. Is he doing this out of anger or curiousity? If it's the latter, he may not understand cause and effect yet. If it's the former, he may feel frustrated... Looking back, I remember being rough with my toys especially if I was angry. If I couldn't do something perfectly, ye olde b&w thinking, it would cause anger. Hence wanting to be perfect with some things.
Perhaps breaking down reading tasks could help. It could help build confidence, too.

Last edited by jamesongerbil on 10 Mar 2011, 4:10 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Have you ever thought about getting him a fountain at the home and garden store? They have some longish ones that make a nice river for a boat and the water cycles using a pump.

I think it's great that you are trying to help provide advice. I read here more than I write. My work schedule and my family life simply take up so much of my time. I have written a few notes. But I can get lots of info from just reading.

On a positive note, I am trying to get my son to post here once in a while. He is a 14 year old HFA and has a very compassionate streak. I'd bet his advice could warm many up who are down about whatever. However he is a ranter and a complainer, too. I do wonder if the stuff he would say would just sound a bit whiny to many. I guess it's not for me to decide. I've been at him the past week to try and post here. But all he seems to want to do on his free time is play with water and / or construction toys. He can come off as a computer geek but hates video games (strange for ASD I think). But he'd rather play in his room. There seems to be zero interest in people other than going out of his way to help someone out, rarely with actions and mostly with words, we have to nearly beg him to do household chores. Go figure.

Welcome to our world,
Tammy Selovitz

I certainly understand the fascination with water. I have been told that water fascination is a commonplace in ASD. My son claims to have this emotional connection with water, even talking to it at times. Therapist says it may be a form of synisthesea or something and says it follows an endorphin rush. Like, imagine going down a rollercoaster, the feeling you get, how high it makes you feel, that sort of thing. I just know that my son LOVES water. But differently than what you explain. He is disciplined around it, believe it or not, at 14 years old. He can be sitting in the dining room, I can be in the kitchen, and I hear him after turning on the faucet, "Mom, you wasting water again?"

And the 3 baths a day? Wow! I wish I can get my son to take a bath twice a week! I mean, I do, I just have to literally beg him. Hygiene is the thing we have so many problems with right now. He cares little about his looks, his appearance. I am working with his teacher on this. It is a problem that I hope soon will be overcome. He argues on and on about "stop worrying about what I look like." He likes water, but hates to take showers? Yeah, go figure. He likes to watch water make channels in the sand, stuff like that. He is not afraid of getting wet, either. He loves our nearby lake. He just doesn't want to stop what he's doing to take even a few minutes for a shower.

By the way, if this hygiene stuff is a thing anyone here can relate to, advice might be helpful. We've tried many things, and nothing seems to work. If we push it and discipline him, he goes in the bathroom and comes out wet, but we know he DID NOT take a shower. I just hate the arguing and fussing, so we have it down he MUST do it twice a week, no ifs ands or buts. He must be in the bathroom for one full half hour, no five minute in and out rinses, stuff like that.

Tammy Selovitz.

Chronos- I would love to get a fountain but i cannot afford it and the house we live in now is old and has no outdoor outlet. I did ask around for anyone who knew how to build a river hahaha I was going to try and use gutters and just fill them up but it did not work and nobody had a clue how:( after that I was thinking probably it wouldn't look real nice either lol

Tammy- the baths rarely include hygiene i'm afraid haha.. I believe the reason he loves the baths so much is because before moving we had a hot tub and he and his sister from the time they were in the belly would play in there. They miss it terribly and my repeatedly flooded bathroom can attest to that ! ! lol

What i do to get william to wash his hair is i bend over and smell it then i tell him it stinks and if he doesn't wash it people might call him stinky and he doesn't want that.. my son is so ridget on his name it cannot be will or bill it has to be WILLIAM so the idea of being called stinky just really upsets him and he washes it up Tooth brushing he avoids or trys to fake so when both kids come out I make them breath on me lol If i cannot smell toothpaste they go back in.

tskin: I don't know, water just feels good. Really good. I used to take three showers a day too. Other things that feel good for me at least include scratching (harder than most people), hugs (if I am comfortable with someone), hot showers, cold showers on a hot day, just rubbing my own arms and the back of my neck and, I'm sorry to say, picking off skin from my thumbs. I'm working on stopping that last one.

As for the anger issues, confusion can cause that. When my wife or others say things that seem illogical to me, or seem to think that I'm acting weird (I probably am) it "overloads" my feelings. I just don't know what to do and a lot of times I just shut down. I used to get in a lot of fist fights as a kid, but grew out of that.

Have you had your little guy checked for other psychological issues? I also have Bi-Polar Disorder, which I didn't realize until last year, before I got my AS diagnosis. Aspies and autistics are at a higher risk for personality disorders. I didn't realize that I was bi-polar because the medicine that I had been taking for epilepsy was also treating my BP! When my neurologist got me off of seizure meds, I essentially went crazy. Perhaps your son could be checked for other things?

DiscoSoup- yes he's been tested they had put him on one of those seizure drugs at one point a very long time ago for 'mood' he ended up putting his first through a window. He's been on risperdal since he was 3. He also takes adderal for ADHD and clonadine for sleep (these since he was around 4 or 5)

The risperdal was for agression as he was beating on his sister who was a baby at the time. Once he was on it he started to have two way conversation and his perseveration decreased tremendously it helped a little bit with the agression. What made the most difference for agression was speech therapy as he began to understand and be understood that decreased as well. Adderal was because he was bouncing off the walls once on that he learned the alphabet in a day the clonadine for sleep before it he averaged an hour of sleep/nite.

He's also been tested for allergies.. I should say most of the time he isn't aggressive now and most of it seems situational and that's why i wonder what he's thinknig or feeling when it happens. He's getting bigger and stronger and If i can find a way to stop the hitting before it starts his sister and of course I will be much safer

He sounds a lot like me at that age, except for the fact that my mother *ahem* beat it out of me. Also, my first seizure medicines did nothing for bi-polar but were essentially tranquilizers (phenobarbitol). From what you've written in your posts it seems that you are very committed to helping this boy, and to protecting your daughter. I can remember being little (about two) and hitting my baby brother with a toy. I don't know why I did it, but I do remember thinking that this little guy was genuinely trying to ruin my life.

Yes, many medications can have crazy side effects, and I know that it's not popular to medicate children (other parents may claim that you're damaging them, etc.), but no one else is you in your exact situation. You are in a very complicated place and have to way the safety of all your family into consideration. And in case you are interested, my medication is Lamictal, which works for me. Although that isn't to say that it necessarily will for you son.

How old is he? Could he benefit from Special Ed? I'm guessing that he probably has been in special ed. I know it may seem as if I'm suggesting that you haven't already done everything in your power, but the Aspie in me is making every suggestion.

I was hyperlexic, reading at 2, and I was constantly reading after that. That activity gave me little time to get into trouble. You've mentioned that he struggles with perfectionism with his reading. Perhaps very simple books would be easier for him? If you can ever get him to sit down, maybe he would be calm if you scratched/rubbed his back and back of the neck. Although one caveat: you should probably ask him first!

One of our members participated on this board for about two years, and then sat down and wrote his book. Over the two years he'd gotten used to hearing certain questions over, and over, and over ... and got a lot of feed back on what he had to say that helped, and what didn't.

I suggest reading the board and seeing what gets asked, and seeing how parents react to the responses.

But, just so you know, you aren't the first to have this idea. The guy who beat you to it did a very good job

Does that include social issues? I know a LOT of people could benefit from THAT, I could as well.



At least ASPIES probably soon figure out what others don't understand. I know I did! But trying to tell them what you can do, that they figure you can't, or what you can't do that they "know" you can, is pretty HARD!

As for what I don't understand about them? Well, if I knew THAT, I could teach the world and it would be paradise. OH WELL.

It is sometimes like I am from another species and, excuse the expression, from the wrong planet!

I encounter this with my son Bradley. He is rigid about his name as well. I can NOT call him Brad, he sees it as offensive. He is completely fascinated with water as well and will take 25 minute showers without washing and will do so only if I tell him he smells. Totally dealing with the tooth brushing fight as well . . . . his definition is having the electric toothbrush on and in his mouth.

danielleg- The name .. omg a few times when he's ignoring me i will say to him hey lil todd (is his dads name) he gets soooo mad!! "my name is william" I say well i did call for william first but he ignored me william puts toothpaste into a cup of water and plays with it lol but avoids the mouth very funny stuff and omg messy!! ! both of the kids dont want to brush tho my daughter NT i just dont make it an option can't fool mommies sniffer lol

DIscoSoup- believe it or not it's been suggested that i beat it out of him.. i just cannot do it (even when hit i do not hit back) I can't remember which one made him punch the window but i do remember it was seizure med

I see what your saying about your brother because when angelina was born is when the agression started with william. It definately was the simbling rivarly thing and feeling possibly replaced??? then it became the speech now i think it's just control i'm just not sure how to figure this particular issue out. Yes william has been recieving spec ed services since he was 3 years old first with speech and then when the headstart speech therapist tried to take away his speech saying he was within normal range (you couldn't understand a word he said) and trying to convince us that the hospital speech therapist were lying to make money lol I began what was a very tidious fight with the school but ended up providing him every service allowed for a child with autism within the school.

we changed schools in kindergarden and the new school was fantastic and really made a lot of progress with him... it wasn't untill his transition to the next step last year (here in 3rd grade you change buildings) that he really stopped making much progress. the school wanted to focus on helping him like school and less on achedemics we didn't like the idea but we went along with it because they said it would help him want to learn. He continues to get further behind because of this idea of theirs altho his behavior in the school setting did improve. He spends all but 2 hours of the day in the sped classroom.

yes if we find a particular set of books (i have it written down someplace) it's about 2nd grade level about cars anyway he will read the whole series any other book he will struggle and complain and give up it's very sad to watch I wonder if maybe the way they teach reading might be to blame as well but i honestly have no idea i'm not a teacher im a nurse lol in the last few months they have him working on some computer program that is suppose to improve reading skill.

i love any suggestions you or anyone can give i may not always agree with them but i love them... anything that helps me understand him better will help him to be happier and that really is the goal of any parent

scratching... part of his daily therapy at home is somthing called brushing (not sure if your familiar) it's done with a surgical brush... anyway it has been shown to decrease sensitivity and help tremendously with sensory issues for him it's allowed him to enjoy a hug instead of it hurting, he has extra sensory hearing and now sounds dont bother him as much things like this.. and he does LOVE to have his neck rubbed and his back scratched lol

It's good that you can't bring yourself to beat it out of him. Trust me, he'd grow to resent you. Of course, my folks had little idea that I was an Aspie.

@2ukenkerl: Yes, social issues are the biggest part of the book.

@DW_a_mom: I'm sure that many have done this before me. I'm glad for that, as it means that many people want to help. While I don't have an extensive background in these forums, I do have a lot of life experience. I used to be a swim instructor, and worked with special ed classes with mostly autistic and apsie kids. I became well-known in my facility so that I was eventually assigned any special needs kids that signed up for public or private lessons. I have also helped my friends to care for their autistic/cerebral palsy son, working with him to give them breaks from their responsibilities. Ironically, that boy's father told his wife and mine that he had always known that I was on the spectrum, but didn't want to hurt my feelings by telling me. It's a bit of an unusual situation in that I have been both a worker/helper with autistic kids, and now have been diagnosed as an Aspie. I think that's a perspective that can help people.

DiscoSoup- I'm glad as well altho I doubt I could beat my NT child either and believe me..she at times can push just as hard as him in different ways of course:) I just never saw the logic behind teaching someone not to hit by hitting... and altho I was spanked as a child and turned out ok it just seems wrong that a parent would want their child to be afraid of them:(