New to parenting, and child is autistic and "acting out

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Hi,

I'm hoping for some help with parenting, specifically in dealing with my boyfriend's son.

I never had a child of my own. Recently I moved in with my BF, who has a 7 year old son diagnosed with autism, ADHD and food-restriction. We have C. on alternating weeks.

Maybe because of early intervention, C. enjoys attention and physical contact. He makes eye contact and pays attention to whether you're looking at him. He likes being around adults he's familiar with.

C. has been doing well with an improved diet (goat milk instead of cow's milk, digestive enzymes, probiotics, magnesium) but he has been acting out a lot recently. Banging and throwing things, hitting/kicking walls and anything else handy, occasionally hitting/kicking people. When scolded he doesn't stop. At school he's been acting out and when the teachers scold him, he just laughs uproariously.

Are there strategies or advice you can give on dealing with this behavior? I realize ignoring him when he's being bad would probably help, but we can't ignore if he's trying to kick a dent in the dryer or hitting the TV. We do not lash out with physical violence at C. but I can't help yelling at him occasionally, after saying "no" dozens of times.

I'm afraid of this behavior continuing until he's the age where he can really do damage, and also that he'll get himself into serious trouble at school/with the legal system.

Thanks,
Egal

A poster here wrote an excellent e-book, free to download - it's a terrific place to start: http://www.asdstuff.com/

There's a whole section that explains a lot of the behaviors you are concerned about. Welcome! If you can be more specific, posters here may be able to help you better - for instance, what happens before these behaviors occur? Is there any kind of pattern?

To assume that a child is "acting out" is to assume that they know the acceptable means of expressing anger, frustration, etc. Reframe your definition as a skills deficit. He needs to be taught to identify triggers, physiological signs that he is becoming angry and frustrated, and be taught more acceptable means of expressing these feelings. Please PM me if you are interested in a free initial distance consultation, I am an Autism Consultant with a Master's Degree in Education.

Has the acting out coincided with some change in his routine or environment that may be throwing him off? What kind of things lead up to the acting out episodes? You may have to keep a written log for a few weeks to chart this and a pattern may emerge.

Does he have any special interests, a safe place or a favorite item like a toy that help him calm that you could offer at times when he is upset and lashing out?

a common myth is that autistics dont experience feelings, but that is completely untrue. what IS true, however, is that they often do not express them in the typical way. one of those atypical ways is laughing when it is not appropriate. my 5 yr old does this quite a lot, especially when he is in trouble for something. 2 nights ago out of the blue my son said to me, "Sometimes i laugh when i dont want to." we talked about it for a few minutes, and what he was expressing was that in certain situations, he laughs when he doesnt mean to, even though he knows it isnt a funny situation. he cant help it, its an automatic response. i cant say for sure that that is what your BFs son is experiencing, but it is a possibility.

when talking with autistic children, or trying to correct their behavior, there are some very simple things to try. first, make sure you have his attention before you speak to him. its quite common for autistics to not respond when others try to get their attn or are talking to them. so be sure he hears and recognizes that you are talking to him before you say what you want to say. then, when you do say it, say exactly what you mean. autistics are usually literal thinkers and need direct communication. be very logical and give concrete reasons for things. a reward/consequences chart can work well. make sure the rules and expectations are clearly defined and understood.

did you notice this change in behavior coinciding with your entrance into the house? its just a thought, but change can be very difficult and disruptive for an autistic child, and someone moving into the house is a huge transition.

thanks for the replies.

Actually C. had been doing better until the past month or so. I moved in 100% (after spending more and more time over at the house) in February. So there could be a connection. He seemed to really like me at first ...

Also his father has recently been "throwing the kitchen sink" at him in terms of diet & nutrition. C. has recently made a lot of progress with verbal speech and music. He notices the cats now, where he used to ignore them. I noticed a few times he seems to be kind of freaking out in the morning, clutching the counter or his head and then stimming really hard.

Earlier in the fall he had almost stopped banging and throwing, but these behaviors have come back with a vengeance.

This past weekend he was crying inconsolably, for his dad when with his mom, and for his mom when he was with us. They have been divorced for awhile and the marriage was very unhappy. His father and I are very much in love and have a healthier relationship. Maybe C's becoming more aware of this situation?

Yesterday he hollered "Street!" and ran into the street, although not very far. Normally he doesn't run into the street like that, so it seemed like another "acting out" behavior.

This morning he was throwing, banging and kicking. But not in a meltdown kind of way. I yelled at him when he kicked the wall. A while later he went to a drawer and pulled out the spare key of my brand new car and was jingling it while looking at me. He put it away when his father asked him to, but he did it a second time. I felt like he was trying to provoke me. (the key has since been squirreled away).

BF tells me that autistic kids may get reinforcement from yelling. But I have anger issues (a family trait, whether nature or nurture, to get extremely angry and finally blow up) so it's hard for me to never yell. Since my dad's anger created a powerful incentive to not mess with his stuff or any furniture/house things, I have a hard time dealing with C's lack of boundaries. I don't yell a lot, usually just once a harsh and loud "NO!" or "STOP IT!" come out of my mouth before I get control again.

I have watched videos on YouTube about autism and cried and vowed to be a better caregiver for C. but then it's so hard to put it into practice!

BTW he can be very careful if he really wants to be, he's capable of good manual dexterity and can be very gentle or delicate on occasion.

C. does bring a lot of light into our lives when he's being sweet, or says something new, or does something clever. Recently he started saying "Peace ... out" randomly which makes us laugh.

Sorry to do this but I'll pick a few things out of your post that jump out at me

He probably does really like you - I think you would clearly know it if he didn't. You moving in 100% does change the dynamics of the family situation and changes like that are often upsetting to autistics even if they like it and even though it may seem like a logical progression to you. I would try asking him (if you haven't already) if he can tell you how he feels about you moving all your stuff into the house and being there 100%. He may have trouble expressing his feelings about this. If he is able to tell you anything that specifically upsets him about the new situation that will give you something concrete that you guys might be able to work on to reduce his stress level.


You've stated that you understand that yelling at him doesn't help and that you know you need to work on it in yourself. I would urge you to make this a priority. Yelling REALLY doesn't help. Some of his behavior is probably just normal 7 yo boy testing the boundaries with a new adult in his life but typically even when it seems like an autistic child is purposefully trying to push your buttons (they seem to be SOOOOO dang good at it) they really aren't. Auties and Aspies just don't typically have it in them to think, "oh this is going to make Egal really angry, I think I'll do that because I want her to feel bad." Try to find out some things that you can redirect him to when he starts to get angry - remember, he is not doing things to purposefully make you mad. I really had to learn to shut off my angry reaction. If you are prepared with some options for him, a stress ball or his video game, whatever works for him, if you know these options in your head ahead of time then even though the situation may be raising your ire, you can fall back on those options. It's hard to think of solutions when you are in the midst of handling a charged up situation so having some ideas in your head that you don't really need to think about is helpful.

Your thoughts about the diet stuff may also be a contributing factor. If these changes have opened up new sensory experiences for him (a symptom of which you noted in his noticing the cats), he is bound to be having trouble processing these new inputs. Sounds like you guys are going through a period of adjustment possibly in more ways than one. With care and patience, you both will get through it!

it sounds to me like he could be getting overstimulated in the mornings, which results in the behavior you describe as "acting out." stimming is a self calming behavior, which would seem to indicate the same thing if he is doing a lot of stimming in the morning.

i know when my son gets overstimulated, he gets super bouncy and spinny. his physical movement increases ten fold, people get hurt, things get broken, but its not intentional, its just his body bouncing off the walls. the overstimulation can come from several different things, being tired, too much activity going on around him, too much noise. he picks up on the energy of other people too, so if other people are stressed or upset, it can affect him. he also gets overstimulated when there is too much "choice", not enough direction. in that case, a schedule helps him feel grounded.

My son laughs wildly when he has completely lost control of his own actions and reactions. That is, then, not a good time to expect a child to modify behavior.

The best thing to do is recognize the small behavior changes that precede the ramp up in behavior, and try to get him calmed down then. Obviously easier said than done but does it make sense? The further into acting out he gets, the less able he is to stop it.

He may like you but he may no longer like living with you - it is a big change. Now is when the two of you will have to do the hard work of figuring out what each of you do that upsets the other, and finding a way to mitigate those problems.

Sorry to hear it hasn't been going that well, but happy to hear that you are dedicated to figuring it all out. It isn't easy and it isn't going to be easy, but if you can dig in, recognize the patterns, mitigate the triggers, and help him learn to self-calm before the destruction begins well, then, it will be miles better.

My son has no concept of personal space or boundaries, btw. And, even when he learned them, he had little ability to honor them. Pretty much our entire household has given way to his needs when it comes to touch, movement, etc. That freedom at home, of his not having to try to censor his every movement, has been essential to his mood maintenance. He doesn't WANT to pick and play with every curio in sight; he just DOES. So, no curios. Old furniture. No coffee table. Asking him to conform to those boundaries of space required him to focus all his attention on meeting the rule, instead of having focus for learning, or focus for self-calming, or focus for remembering to be nice to his sister. So, we made a choice. Originally as an experiment, but we found it so successful that it simply became the way things are for us. Home is the free space. At school and in public he pays attention to his every small action so that he can respect boundaries and social rules. At home he is free of that exhausting activity. And, yes, for him ... it is an exhausting activity. So, it is worth thinking about the expectations you have of him and how realistic they are for his age and condition. I don't know if there are issues there, but maybe ...

My AS son is and always was a hugger, eager for affection, btw. That autistics are not is old-school; some are, some aren't, but since the world has changed the way it reacts to autistic children, we're also seeing that autistic children are changing the way they react with the world. For the better.

If he needs to vent maybe you can offer him something he is allowed to destroy; Tony Attwood suggests letting kids rip up phone books or smash recycling cans when they need to vent. It couldn't hurt to discuss this with him at a point when he is calm and see how he reacts to the idea.

Inappropriate emotional responses, many times, come with the autistic territory. Anger is expessed as crying, or remorse or guilt coming out as a laugh. Understanding this may be the case and discussing it much later, after the situation is over, may give you some insight into how his emotional responses work. His teachers, especially, need to realize this and that discipline at such times is pointless, useless and may actually make the situation worse.

I'm not sure scolding is ever a good idea. In the moment, offering him something he can destroy - safely, in a controlled environment - may give you a feeling of some control. The best advice I can offer is that whatever you think you know about parenting - toss it out the window. Sometimes you need to challenge those beliefs and get creative. If 'A' isn't working.. let's try 'B', or 'C' or 'XYZ'. As much as possible, let him guide you along the way.

i would imagine with you moving in completely certain things have changed for him.. different things in the house, different noise level, the addition of difference with the diet.. It could be that all these changes are just really difficult for him to deal with. When we moved into a new house my son went from relatively calm (lil outbursts) to beating the crap out of all of us, hiding under the desks at school just a whole slew of things we wern't prepared for and we had thought he was ready for the move. we had let him pick out the house we'd move to (you can see the train yard from the back yard) let him pick which room would be his , let him choose colors to pain the walls , visited the school numerous times we just went all out in making sure he was ready.... he wasn't

I also notice even around christmas or any holiday, change in season, changing around the furniture these things seem to jump start new or old behaviors, new outbursts ect. Might be he's just adjusting to the changes and having a hard time processing it all.

as for suggestions others i'm sure have good ideas.

thanks again for the replies. Last night and this morning, BF and I tried to ignore C's behavior unless it got really egregious. Then we tried to redirect his attention. Last night was pretty good.

This morning it ramped up into the usual upset before getting on the school bus. About 15-20 minutes before the bus comes C. gets antsy and escalates into throwing/banging/kicking. Often this is related to him wanting to take objects on the bus like Nerf guns, his large electronic keyboard, a good-sized Dustbuster, his dad's business luggage. We tell him "no" and he has a mini-meltdown and throws any smaller/more acceptable object we try to substitute. He likes school a lot, but maybe anticipating the bus is too stressful?

We want to sell the current (overpriced, farflung) house and move into the neighborhood where C's school is and where his mom lives. It would make everybody's lives easier if we relocated closer to town. However all the touchups we do or pay somebody else to do, the new things we install, are being overrun by C's damage. Very frustrating.

Thanks for listening,
Egal

p.s. I just thought of something C. might like ... one of those expanding and collapsing plastic balls they used to sell at the mall. Big enough to be a security blanket but will collapse to a size appropriate to bring to school. OK now to see if anybody still sells these!

It's really awseome that you are seeing this pattern in his behavior! That's half the battle sometimes. If it was me, I would suggest that he choose a suitable object well before the ramping up starts. I'd make a routine of picking out the object starting with plenty of time for him to make an appropriate choice before the bus gets there. That might serve 2 purposes, it would fill the time waiting for the bus with something that might be more pleasureable for him and it could possibly help avert the battle over the inappropriate choices. If necessary, limit the range of choices ahead of time to several acceptable items.

even i find buses to be a nightmare and im not an autistic child. too many people, too close, too much noise, too much movement. i couldnt imagine my youngest functioning on a school bus at all.

seems your boy is trying to take a comfort object on the bus. its a good idea, but it must be appropriate. you could choose a specific pocket on his backpack (if he has one) that the object must fit into, and like bombaloo suggested, choose it well in advance. or set out a selection of things he may choose from, so you have more control over it.

another option is an mp3 player. some kids do well with them as they help block out sound. you can put music, books on tape, nature sounds, etc on them. cheap ones can be had for under $10, so its not a huge loss if it gets broken or left on the bus. my SO's main coping mechanism/stim is an mp3 player, or rather his cell phone since he got a new android with good audio programs. he never goes anywhere without a pair of headphones looped around his neck, and will put them on and play an audiobook when he starts feeling overwhelmed. granted, we have spent probably over $1000 on headphones over the past 5 years, but it has made it much easier for him to cope in social situations.

My son is often terribly confused and blindsided by his own feelings. Sometimes, when he's generally upset and doesn't know why, he will pick a fight with us by asking for something he knows we will refuse, and then melting down. I think he prefers the idea of overreacting to something real than feeling like a meltdown might happen for no reason at all.

I don't have a solution for this, other than the fairly intense therapy we've been doing to help him identify feelings well before they meet the meltdown intensity level. One key is to keep things as predictable as possible - and social situations (like the school bus) are always slightly unpredictable.

That will stress out an AS child. Perhaps between the thought of such a major change and having to be perfect because you're trying to get the house on the market he's become all pins and needles. I realize there will be long term benefits, but that doesn't mean he's going to have any easier time dealing with the short term disruptions. In this thread you've mentioned a whole lot of big life changes in a short period for any child, especially an AS child ... has it been considered if he might prefer to stay at his moms until things with the sale and move settle out? I understand why that might not be a first choice, but it might be something to have on the table.