Parents on the spectrum

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can't help it have to chime

I'm reading the 6 days of punishment and am reminded that a few months ago my son went off and started hitting me because he wanted doughnuts in the morning before school (this is somthing his dad does for him) I wasn't going to drive to the store to get doughnuts but did tell him we could go after school so he'd have them in the morning.

Ok so long story short he missed the bus because he wasn't going without them , refused to get out of the van at school because he wasn't going without them and so i dropped him at his dads who was able to get him to school.

After school his dad brings him home and he's eating a doughnut i was so angry i wanted to spit at his father... how could you turn around and get him a doughnut like it was ok to hit me no biggie here is your doughnut.. his dad who i believe is also aspie says to me "that was this morning I didn't get him one in the morning"

he truely saw no corilation between the morning and afternoon and the silly doughnut... I can see where having a difficult time seeing things from the same perspective could cause issues somtimes:)

Ediself, I would have to know and talk to your husband to obtain both sides of the story. I've been doing some major research over the past few days as well. It solidifies what this mother told me. This is only theory here and I'm just making conjecture but from your husband's point of view he may be trying to prepare your son for the real world especially functioning in a job setting. In a job setting, even if the boss has you do something you know is inaccurate or wrong you are still supposed to do it the boss'. The thing is some people rank pursuing truth under maintaining the social hierarchy and structure. Consider the military as an analogy. In the military, the chain of command has to be maintained above all else. I believe this is what your husband and some people want to do. DW_a_Mom would you correct me if I'm wrong on any of this if you do not mind? I believe this is what azurecrayon is trying to teach her husband as well.

Ediself, your son may have to deal with someone with your husband's style as his boss. Personally, by what you describe he is acting like a fool and he may be a fool but we have fools as high ranking officials both in the private and the public sector. These fools may be your son's boss. I believe if he wants to keep his job sometimes he is going to have to grin and bare the foolishness. Honestly, I believe the system sucks and it is a bunch of donkey crap. This style that some people want to go in sucks donkey balls as well. I am with you and your son on this. I want to seek what the truth is and what the actual correct thing is. Honestly, it pains me to write you some of these things but even if you two are right on something, you and your son sometimes may have to use grace with them and indulge these authority figures. I am having to learn this as well the hard way through the school of hard knocks. Sometimes you have to pick your battles and sometimes you have to let some things go. I believe this would help you keep peace in the house if you relay this to your son even if he reads what I say word for word.

As strange as it appears to me ,what you said makes sense. My husband is not consciously trying to prepare my son for anything, that's asking for too much insight on his part (lol what a disrespectful wife i am) but he might be doing it without knowing it. In trying to figure out a way to go about this without appearing like i consider my own husband as an authority figure (I'm too old to be changed), I think I might be on to something, thanks to your help.
What i could do, is tell my son what you said. Have him be aware of the fact that he will be forced to deal with irrationnal people when he leaves home, and those will be people with some power over him, mainly financial power.I will then tell him that I think it's good practice to start trying his best to grin and bear the chaos with his step father, maybe making up a little reward chart (the more irrational the demand and the wider the grin, the better the reward? lol i'm chuckling while typing this....) My final plan is yet to be designed but i'm feeling a bit less confrontational. Thanks for this.

Honestly, I can slip up alot when I try this.

This is something else I've learned as well in my research as well as Ephemerella telling me. Ephemerella is a wrongplanet member but she does not come on that much anymore. If a problem or a conflict happens between you and your husband make sure to use "I" statements. Do not use "you" statements. I'm trying to break this habit myself and it isn't easy especially when I am angry. Let me give you an example of a "you" statement.

Let's say your husband tells your son to do something. Let's say your son goes to do it and it wasn't your husband intended. Your husband sees this and tells your son that your son did not follow your husband's directions. Your comes back at your husband and says to him "you were vague in your directions" and a screaming match then happens between them both.

This is what I believe your son should've said. It is in quotes.

"Ok, I must've misunderstood the directions that were given to me. I thought the directions were to do a,b,c,d." If your husband says "no, that is not what I said, I said to do e,f,g,h." After that, your son needs to say "I'm sorry I misuderstood you and I will go do e,f,g,h." The conflict and problem should be resolved after that.

Honestly, I am still trying to break my "you" statement habit. Here is more stuff.

http://www.communicationandconflict.com ... ments.html
http://learningtogive.org/youthworkers/ ... vity06.asp
http://disputeresolution.ohio.gov/schoo ... tate21.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I-statement
http://www.colorado.edu/conflict/peace/ ... istate.htm

Anytime, I've done something along these lines and things go alot smoother.

I'm going to practice right now. I feel confused when someone tells me I'm irresponsible, take responsiblity, or I'm selfish in given situations that occur. If someone tells me these things or I'm naughty it does not tell me what I did wrong, how I offended, and how to alter my behavior.

This is a hard thread for me because I'm a single parent and would find it next to impossible to navigate another adult coming in to our family unit and deciding to start disciplining my son. This is likely because we don't have a hierarchical household and I have yet to meet a partner-type person who shares my (I guess rather "alternative") views on parenting or life.

My knee-jerk reaction to reading this is that I would side with my child. I would quite honestly likely end a relationship that was causing so much tension in my child's life and I sincerely hope I don't ever enter into one. I think this is one of the main reasons I stay single. I don't have a lot of patience to make concessions for other adults. I sincerely applaud you for attempting to work it out in a way that works for you all. I don't think I could do it. It's sort of lonely-making to have these realisations for myself.

In our house it works like this:
Five-year-old does something obnoxious.
Dad huffs and puffs and says something like "Go to your room for the rest of the day!"
Five-year-old looks at Mom.
Mom says, "Your room is messy. Go pick up your toys, and then you can come out."
Dad rolls his eyes and walks away.

Dad sentences, and Mom commutes sentence into something reasonable.
I'm not saying this is how it SHOULD be, but after many many many discussions with husband, this is as good as it gets.

I'm an Aspie son of an Aspie with an Aspie son (and five other kids).

One piece of wisdom that resonates for me is that it is always hard to differentiate asperger's from adolescence.

Peter

It occurs to me that if you undercut your husband when you disagree with him, it makes it harder for him to interact with your son and reinforces your son's disrespect of him.

One thing that seems odd to me is that your son calls him insane, and accuses him of being incapable of thought. Unless these statements are literally true, then your son would seem to be engaging in the same behavior you find bewildering in your husband.

I hope I am doing this right.

I have returned to work this week and for the past four days, my son has separation anxiety. He won't take the bottle when I am gone and for the last two days he was able to drink an ounce and then the next day, he had two ounces but this night, he wouldn't take any. He just screams when my husband puts the bottle near him he thinks the neighbors below probably think he is trying to kill him. I have offered to get my aunt or uncle or my cousin to come and watch him so he can go to bed at eight but he rejected that idea. He thinks what's the point if he won't stop crying (he cries all night long till I get back) and I tell him he can go to bed while someone watches the baby and he said he will just keep crying. I said someone else will be taking care of him and let them deal with it while he sleeps. But my husband said he can't sleep with the crying. But tonight he told me he could only get him to eat when it was dark out and had out all the lights. I suggested he does it in the bathroom where it's dark and he rejected that idea because it's unsanitary he said. I suggested the closet and he said there is no room and I told him squeeze in there with him and he still rejected it. Me and my crazy advice.

God when will this pass? I am hoping soon or later my son will figure out his momma isn't around to feed him and his food is in the bottle so he better take it or starve. He has not acted like this until I returned to work. He just cries and cries and doesn't stop till I get home. He wants me and my husband can't take it anymore due to lack of sleep.

Did anyone else's baby do this too when you returned to work?

LeagueGirl, my son was HELL when I returned to work. Sent potential nannies home in tears, got tossed from potential day cares, the whole nine yards. I had to solve it on his terms, to be honest, but I did eventually solve it.

I have some questions:

1) I am correct in reading that your husband is doing the care giving? So this IS someone your child should be comfortable with, correct?

2) I'm a little unclear on how feeding has been done before this point. Was he nursing exclusively? Always taking a bottle? Some mix? Is the bottle formula or expressed milk? I think we need to examine what changed here besides the person. If this is a partial weaning issue that is a whole different cup of tea than separation anxiety.

3) How old is your son now?

He takes care of the baby when I am at work. Mom said it will get better.

He nurses all the time, he had some bottles in the past when I'd be away but now he has decided he wants my boobs only since that was all I used when I'd feed him. He only eats breast milk, no formula. He will now take a little bit of breast milk in a bottle but most of the time he does not. But he won't take frozen breast milk but will eat little bit of breast milk that was put in the fridge without freezing.

He's almost 4 months now.

It does sound like a feeding issue, then.

I recommend buying every bottle type and nipple type and swapping them out until you find one he can live with. The bottle and the nipple change the taste of the milk, and that is probably part of the problem.

This a type of partial weaning, and some kids won't go for it, period. You might be able to find some creative tips if you search partial weaning.

My old friend recommended try using a sippy cup because both her kids hated bottles so she had to use a sippy cup. My mom recommended to pump every weekend and then try giving in a bottle.

Yes. In my case, when my wife went back to work after our daughter, I stayed home for a few days - I forget exactly how it happened - so I was in your husband's place, for our first baby.

We had prepared for it a little bit. My wife had pumped some before going back to work and the baby would take a bottle from her, after crying for half an hour or so. Your mom's advice is probably good here - if you give the baby a bottle on weekend days, it will be easier for the baby to learn to take a bottle, and then when your husband does it, the transition will be smaller because the baby will already know how to take a bottle and will only have to adjust to its coming from a different person.

Even so, it took 8 hours of screaming on the first day I had our daughter before she got hungry enough to take a bottle from me. I also got a bit lucky - she had her mouth wide open screaming, and I stuck the bottle in before she could close her mouth, and she started sucking.

DW_a_mom's advice is also good. We tried four different bottle and nipple types before finding one that our daughter would take. Once she got used to one, she was willing to switch to other ones, though.

I'm not convinced about the sippy cup. Even with a bottle, babies can get lazy with the sucking and start to refuse a breast, in which case it's difficult to keep your supply up. I'm sure that risk is much higher with a sippy cup.

Oh, if there's separation anxiety besides the bottle, it can help for you to hand the baby to your husband, rather than letting him pick the baby up from a crib or something. Make sure your husband knows how to check a diaper for whether it's soiled or wet, and knows how to change a diaper; make sure he knows to check the temperature of the baby's hands or feet to see if it's cold or hot. That way he can at least fix all the other possible causes of the crying.

My husband knows all about babies because he took care of his niece and nephews when they were little and when they were babies.

Question:

Is it possible to suffer postpartum depression and then not have any symptoms all of a sudden and then have them again the next day?

I am not sure if I am suffering this or not. It got my attention when someone told me on Babycenter to go see a doctor about it before it gets any worse and I didn't think I had it. On work days I just get frustrated and over whelmed with my baby because he won't leave me alone and sometimes his crying gets too much and I just feel I don't want to take care of him and I feel I shut down a lot because I all of a sudden ignore his crying and not do a thing about it. I just want to do my usual things before work and my baby gets in the way but today I felt very happy and not down and stressed out and baby blues. I don't know if it's a temporary thing but it came when I started work and now it's the weekend, I feel happy again.

I will just wait and see. Maybe it's baby blues I am getting again. I just keep hoping this is all temporary.