School Question...

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I am hopeful you can give me your opinions/advice on this issue.
Our son is 11. He's in the 5th grade, so he is headed into middle school next year. He is doing very well academically but struggles socially and that gap seems to be widening. He has no friends at school. He has a couple of kids who are kind to him, but he is ignored and left out for the most part. I can't STAND it.
Here's my question. He's in a private, Christian school. We have been advised that moving him to a different school would be very upsetting to him unless it would be to a smaller environment. We live near an awesome school that specifically is for children with learning challenges, issues and I am touring the school later this week.

I am so torn...I keep reading that most all schools are quite hellish for kids with Aspergers....How can I make it less so for him?
Any advice about schooling, you could share?
I would so appreciate any words of wisdom!

I think you should see how you feel about the new school, and you should see what your son thinks about his schooling options.

Some AS kids like middle school better because the course work gets more interesting, and being in a bigger pond, they have a better chance at finding similar kids to be friends with. But socially ... for most kids, middle school is hard.

I will say this: I failed to move my son out of a preschool that didn't suit him because I was worried that he couldn't handle the change. I still regret it. The short term pain of having to readjust would have been better than the damage done by having him at the wrong school.

I don't hear anything in your post to indicate your son is actually being stressed by his environment, however, so my situation does not seem to be yours. Does HE mind not having friends, or he is content? Be careful to make decisions based on goals he shares.

This is key.

Does he want to socialize, or is he happy with academics? Many aspies are just as happy not socializing. Forcing him to socialize may just make him miserable.

At 11, he should be old enough to tell you what he thinks about these things.

In addition to what DW and psychohist said, I would look carefully at the school you are considering. Some schools for children with learning issues are specifically not for students with Asperger's syndrome. They are not designed for students who have social issues, but learning issues. Sometimes, the curriculum is significantly "watered down" from a traditional curriculum, and if your son is not struggling academically, he will be frustrated by the lack of challenge. Not all schools for children with learning issues are like this, but some are, and you need to check this out very carefully.

A good school shouldn't do this, but many do - and many also seem to "forget" that a student who struggles in one area (e.g. writing) can be very advanced in others, and the school should be able to accommodate those differences in levels in each student. A school is unlikely to tell you that they don't accommodate the students' varying needs, so ask them how they do it - that's much harder to fudge than just saying they do it.

If you are seriously considering sending your son there, make sure that they have a policy of having the prospective student spend a day or two at the school, so he will get some sense of what the environment will be like - students, academics, teachers ...

My husband and I can attest to the flip-side of what DW described: both of us were moved to different schools several times during our school career, and we suffered a huge amount. For myself, moving from an elementary school to an entirely alien middle school was a horrifying experience. However, this was 30 years ago before Aspergers was even diagnosed in the US; the middle school I was moved to was in itself a bad place, and both the teachers and students were awful on a good day, (at least compared to those I encountered before and later in my school career.) and didn't have any tolerance at all for differences of any kind.

One of the suggestions given by a counselor that we've taken to heart for our own son: the kids that struggle socially who tend to do best are those who have some kind of outside social group to depend on. The counselor suggested theater - but DS has no interest in that whatsoever. However, for exercise, he's taking Circus Arts, which seems to have a group that can deal with him. Other kinds of groups that might provide this kind of resource might include special interest groups: robotics, herpetology, model train building, (to name the most stereotypical AS interests.) Food for thought.

THANK YOU all so much. He seems to be questioning lately why he doesn't have friends. He has a little five year old brother who is not on the spectrum and he's really talkative and has lots of play dates, etc. It's almost like I see my son having little glimpses ...lately he will say "who are my friends, Mom" and it kills me.

I tend to agree with DW, don't stay just because you fear the transition will be difficult. If the school you are considering seems to be a good fit after you have checked it out then follow your instincts there. I personally have noticed that sometimes when I am the most worried about DS not being to handle a particular situation, he ends up making adjustments that I never thought possible!

please, please, send him to a better school or homeschool/internetschool/unschool/ whatever.

Get him out of that school and into a better learning enviornment. Your son will thank you.

you really have to do what is best for your child. I would involve him in ever step of the decission making before you decide to move schools. Sometimes the things we wish for them, like friendships are not something they care too much about. If he decides to stay with the school he is in try and make an extra effort to have a friend over, or to go bowling or do something fun with someone he can try and make a connection with as he gets older.

The playground can be the most intensely stressful time for a kid on the spectrum. My son has had times with no friends and it killed me too. It really broke my heart. I really recommend checking out the school. Also, see if your son can try out the school for a few days before you decide. You may start with just one class, then a few classes and then a full day...something to that effect...before you can decide. See if you can spy on your son in the new school and also in the current school to see what each school's pro's/con's are.

I highly recommend talking to the current school about the social piece, if you haven't already. Ask them for some help...perhaps a social group could be started on campus. Also, during recess/lunch, can he go to the library and play board games with some kids who would be buddied up with him (set up by the school). There are some kids out there who are true philanthropists at heart and tapping into that source of help could be great for your son.

I would also recommend finding a local support group for other Autism parents...I have made friends with other parents just so I could get our kids together....I make sure that the special interests are similar. It doesn't always work out, but he does have some friends and that means a lot. There are also social groups and camps for kids on the spectrum that you could research.

Keep working at it and you will help him a lot. It's really great that he has a younger brother, by the way. We have younger NT son as well and what happens is that my son will play with the younger kids, who don't seem to notice his quirks as much. Then, he ends up considering those kids his friends too and they like his larger stature for some reason.

Wait...

The issue is not that he is not doing well academically. It's that he doesn't have any friends, and you're the one with the severe issue with it as far as we know.
I wouldn't advise moving him to a school for children with learning difficulties if he is doing fine academically.

As far as the friends, I think people with AS fair much better on their own than most people would. You will find people with AS are frequently compared to cats and I do think it's usually a fairly good analogy. Domestic cats need some attention but usually don't need constant attention as dogs do, and in fact, will get stressed if they are given too much attention. Likewise, most people with AS get stressed if they do not have sufficient time to themselves.

That he is starting to think about friends, or his lack thereof should be seen as a healthy step in his social development. People with AS frequently develop social skills through analytical means and it usually starts with a question such as "Why don't I have friends?"

You can be a catalyst in this process by having some discussions about socializing, but adults usually forget that kids socialize differently and tend to not offer much in the way of practical advise and insight. It might be best to enroll him in an age appropriate social skills program for kids with AS.

I think you've heard both sides. It sounds like you need to talk to your child and then talk as a family. I have seen many of my students show a dramatic difference when coming to our school from where they were before (not bragging-it has happened). I agree that it is much better for him to be in a better environment even if it means a change, but I also agree that you must find out whether this is something he wants or whether he is happy there.

I work with middle school kids and have for eight years. Not trying to scare you, but middle school hs hard for all kids, even neurotypical kids. This is where they start to try to become more independent and find themselves.

It is late in the year - maybe wait until next year so new start new school?

No matter what you decide it won't be wrong - it will be great! If it doesn't work he can always go back. Sit, talk and decide!

Good luck to you!