Aspie Mom desperate for advice from other Aspie parents

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Can you talk to her about this pattern? Maybe her thoughts honestly got side tracked the minute she saw water. At her age you need to allow for that. I know my daughter can't remember in the middle of the five feet to the bathroom why she started out to go there. It's like flaky dust just drops from the sky sometimes.

As for never being able to win in the adult world, I disagree with you. I win all the time, to the amazement of my AS husband, who used to think exactly as you do. It's a touchy - feelly type skill and I'm already teaching it to my AS son. A well made case CAN win, but there are not unlimited shots at it, so let her win when you really are impressed. Or just blown over by her tears. And not very often; you want her believe in the possibility, not see you as a push over. She NEEDS to believe in her ability to change the tides in life if she is ever going to achieve to her potential.

How often does giving "chances" result in willing cooperation? If it's not often, perhaps they should be avoided.

It sounds as if she has great difficulty imagining/conceiving/grasping/correctly judging/weighing up the pleasantness ( reward ) or unpleasantness ( punishment ), the "value", of anything until it is actually happening.

I am somewhere on the spectrum and posting in reply to this thread because although I don't know what my parents could have done to deal with this, ( they finished by pretty much washing their hands of me the very day I turned 18 ) I recognise myself as a child, teenager, and young adult, all the way up to a very strange moment when I was 29 and had a brief but intense and moving out of body experience which enabled me to feel compassion for my body, for myself, my pain/hurt, and for the first time to really understand that other people hurt too. I began to understand consequences.

I am a 47 year old mother of an 11 year old AS/PDD boy, and have had to work out some of these issues with him.

I still do sometimes have to get pretty worked up about something before he will do x, y, or z, but that is very often because until I myself really understand why he absolutely must do something, and FEEL it, grasp it, get a handle on the reason that really matters to me, which can be quite hard, he doesn't seem to "believe" me, the imperative, etc. If something doesn't matter to him already it won't if it doesn't authentically matter to me.

It really is as if he can see or feel when I am telling him to do something out of conviction, from a "real"/visceral understanding of the consequences and implications, however seemingly trivial, and when not.

For instance we have for six weeks now been successsfully managing to spend at least an hour five times a week on revising, "levelling-up", preparing for, the "boss battle" which is the annual Academic Inspection tests, ( he has homeunschooled most of his life, apart from four/five months a year ago ) after many weeks of my feeling increasingly worried about it, and telling him that we should be doing stuff for it, and coming up with one idea for how to approach it after another, and repeatedly reminding him that if we did nothing then he might have to go to school next year ... but we both carried on surfing the net, playing video games, posting on forums, etc, reading books, drawing and painting, and so on, rather than doing the immensely tedious cramming of totally useless stuff about prepositions, subordinate clauses, objects, coordinate words, passe simple, passe compose, futur, imparfait, plusqueparfait, conditional etc verb conjugation, etc which the french are so hot on, among other things.

Nothing happened.

I kept telling him that if he really cared about carrying on home-unschooling he had to get up to speed for the tests, and that I was no longer prepared to stand up to his moaning and grumbling and resistance about it, no longer prepared to put in lots of time and emotional energy in getting him to do the stuff in the face of his grumbling and insults, that I simply could not do that any more, he had to "decide" what was important to him.

Still nothing.

But of course I *didn't* stop trying to work it out ... and then one day I got in touch with my FEELINGS about it, that I was desperately anxious about the horrible experience that he was going to have at the inspection tests if he couldn't do it. ... Not the "distant" issue of whether he has to go to school in September, etc, but simply how grim and ghastly and anhilating it was going to be for him to go to the three hour main test in May/June and struggle and squirm and wriggle and sweat and get tearful with failure and shame, as he was presented clearly and carefully and worst of all, (if the last test is anything to go by ), very kindly and patiently with test questions that he couldn't do ( while knowing that he could have done, because is intelligent etc ).

And as I got into my feelings, went from near yelling, definitely very "tense", ( not exactly "gentle" or "encouraging" or sympathetic :lol ), rather nagging, relentless style haranguing in fact, ... to near tears as I said how worried I was about that "real boss battle" not the distant "next level", he "got it", and has since then been ready and willing whenever I say "right, school work time" to drop whatever he's doing, and get at it, and when he has sometimes forgotten and begun moaning again, he has without any response from me stopped almost immediately.

I guess I'm saying that perhaps it's some sort of emotional connectivity about some issues that makes the difference. Apparently AI creators are increasingly finding that intelligence, reasoning, decisions, etc requires emotion, emotion is part of the process, because concepts otherwise have no "value", and can argue/"believe in"/decide absolutely anything at all.

My Dad was ultimate hyper-intellectual and my rather more emotional mother in thrall to his "amazing mind". I almost never saw my parents disagree, very little anger, very little feeling. Without emotion anything can be true.

Does your daughter realise that the reason why you want her to do x, y, z, is because you are desperately worried about how she will feel when her teeth rot or breath smells every day, or when her grades drop, etc?

Good luck.
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Last edited by ouinon on 01 May 2011, 1:46 am, edited 1 time in total.

PS. He still doesn't wash his hair as often as I'd like, and doesn't do any chores at all yet. I think I must believe that children, as a class in our society, aren't supposed to earn their keep/their "living", not having the same rights as adults, and so won't believe "viscerally" that he has to do any unless I can't do them myself, or when he reaches 18.

And I'm still only a beginner at understanding consequences; it takes effortful thought, ( and I have become almost over-careful, paranoid, about possible bad consequences since realising the "weight" that they can have, whereas I was blithely reckless in my youth ), so am not saying that I have totally overcome this difficulty, just that I have become aware of it.

Does your daughter recognise that she doesn't correctly judge/weigh consequences when making decisions?
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I hope this isn't an overly Aspie thought towards a PDD-NOS problem - my own son falls somewhere between classic autism and PDD-NOS and although I feel like I fit right in on the general discussion boards on the parent end of things I feel like I'm a square peg here.... Anyway ....

I take mostly baths too and she should be able to get her hair clean without having to do a separate rinse. If she's coming out greasy she's probably using too much product. If she's using bubble bath or bath oil/salts she should stop using them if she doesn't want to shower or have to rinse off after her bath.

Last edited by Washi on 30 Apr 2011, 7:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I just wanted to chime in because my son sounds a lot like your daughter too. He is much younger (almost 6) and has a diagnosis of PDD-NOS. Sometimes he has some AS traits, but not all of them. Anyway, he is just like that, and I find myself yelling more than I would like to as well. I really have had to work on the yelling thing because it was causing my son to be aggressive toward me, and I finally connected the yelling to that. I can feel your frustration. I sometimes feel that yelling is the only way to get my son's attention.

The main approach that I have taken is taking things away from him when he does not comply. You say your daughter doesn't care about rewards, but she does-----the computer and songs seem to be highly motivating to her. My son is obsessed with playing with the telephone. It is not what most kids would consider a reward, but it is highly motivating to him. If he gets a good report at school, then he gets 15 minutes of playing with the phone. I set the timer, and I give him about 3 warnings before his time is up. When his time is up, I tell him that if he gives me the phone nicely, then he can have it again. If he fights me on it, then he won't have it the next day. This seems to work pretty well.

You may have to hide the computer if you need to take it away from her. I understand that the computer is probably her way of unwinding, but it is also about the only thing that is motivating her, so you need to use that in your favor.

My son refuses at times to do the things that we do every night. Sometimes he is not refusing, he is just caught up in his own mind. First, he won't go up the stairs to start his night time routine sometimes unless we threaten to take things away. Then when we get there, he won't get in the bath until I have asked him 5 or 6 times to get in the bath. Once he is in there, I have to ask him 5 or 6 times to get out, and then often I have to threaten him to take something away to get him out of the bath. I really don't like approaching things this way either, but it is either that or yelling, and I would rather do things this way.

Sometimes rewards work for my son, but most of the time threatening to take things away is more effective for him. I still often try to assume that I can present things logically to him as well, and I give it my best shot. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

Also, I thing the fact that your daughter is now 11, she may be just starting that rebellious thing that most pre teens and teens go through.

I don't know if I have helped at all, but I totally understand where you are coming from. Try to back off the yelling and just continue to use the authoritative firm voice and try to keep your emotions from escalating. I know it is not easy, but it may help some.

I've been thinking about this thread and I think the one thing I want to add is that I hope you will find a way to make your daughter feel she has a voice. Remember that BOTH you and her have communication difficulties, so while you may think you have explained her side and have listened to hers, SHE may not feel that way. The proof is in the action: if she was making the connections and truly understanding, she wouldn't feel the need to constantly argue. That she constantly feels the argue suggests that she isn't truly understanding and/or feeling heard.

In today's world, kids need to learn how to be heard, and learn how to be effective in their communication. Frustrating as it can be for us as parents to deal with the back and forth, it is all important practice for children. Keep that in perspective as you try to find ways to resolve the issues between you and create a more positive dynamic.

Totally agree with that. Very often the process of arguing with my son, trying ( and repeatedly failing ) to get him to do something, has led to my discovering that we didn't actually have to do x, y, or z, or not in the way that I had imagined, and/or in understanding how we could do something that suited both of us far more, etc.

It has happened more than a couple of times that his resistance to something has made me look harder for another approach, because it was so painful trying to get him to do something, and I have discovered some really interesting things about me, him, and life as a whole as a result.

And I have learned to spend time and energy on trying to work out why we are not succeeding at some system, arrangement, activity, etc ( eg. as in the academic test prep ) if the failure seems to be largely "his fault" ( sulks, reluctance, comatose state when doing something, increased difficulty with things, etc ), because I have so often in the past been amazed/horrified/shocked to realise how unthinkingly rigid about something I was being, invisibly attached to trad/conventional outcomes and methods.
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I think that as parents, if we ALWAYS follow through on our "threats" - even when we kinda know we were wrong to make them... then it's really US who are being stubborn and obstinate.

I always follow through on my threats... when they were reasonable ones. If my son confronts me with a reasonable argument for why I may have been wrong, I do not shut him out. I will hear him out, and if I genuinely feel he has a good point, I may reconsider my position. I explain this process to him, and I think it's a crucial one for our black and white thinkers to become familiar with.

Hello

I am not a parent with Asperger's Syndrome, but I believe that I may have some helpful advice for you. I have been working on this post for about 2 days in my head now, and I think I've got it sorted out enough to put into text. So, here we go.

I believe that the problem you are facing here is a combination of issues, and as such advising you on just one would be short sited. So, I am going to address all issues that I can, and hopefully cover all the basis.

For starters, I HIGHLY recommend that you go through and read this thread completely:
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt154304.html

It is not directly analogous to your situation, but it has many of the same variables, in that a preteen child is being unreasonable, and causing problems by acting out. And much of the advice given there would suit your situation as well. And yes, it is a lengthy post, but I recommend reading all of it because many of the responses are very informative.

As for specific advice, I have the following:

1. I think one major issue that you are having is that you are attempting to run this relationship from an adversarial standpoint. I.E. It is you vs. your daughter. The relationship is based on you making the rules, telling your daughter what the rules are, and then enforcing said rules as you see fit. This sort of set up tends to work decently well when the child is young (up to age 8-9ish) but quickly looses effectiveness thereafter, and actually becomes counter-productive into the teen years. So, the fact that it works for your younger daughter is not surprising. But I can guarantee you that it won't work on her for much longer either. If you want to make any real progress with your older daughter, you are going to need to transfer from an adversarial position, into a cooperative position. In other words, you need to work WITH your daughter, rather than AT her.

Now this doesn't mean that your daughter gets to call all the shots and make all the decisions. But this does mean that when things go wrong, you don't just blame her and make her suffer for it. Instead, take time to figure out what went wrong, why it went wrong, and how to prevent it in the future. If you haven't yet had the opportunity, I highly recommend downloading a free copy of 'Congratulations, your child is strange' from ASDstuff.com It covers this topic very thoroughly and explains what is causing the problems, and how you can deal with them effectively. I could copy and paste the book into this forum, but that would take up a lot of space. If you are in a hurry, you can skip the first 2 chapters as those are designed more for the parents who are new to the diagnosis. But there are definitely parts in there which I think would benefit you to read.

2. Your daughter seems to be reactionary rather then rational. Allow me to fill that one out.

Edit:
GAH! I hit the submit button instead of the preview button by accident. I'm still working on this, so give me a few more hours to finish it up.

I am not a fan of yelling either. It becomes a pattern and the only way that people will communicate after a while. I can't tell you how many problems I have had throughout my life because I thought everyone yelled when they had a point to make (it was what my mom did). I think I figured out this was not the case in general when I was 16 and yelled at my manager at work, and that it was not normal to do to friends or significant others until I was in my mid 20's.

Have you ever offered her choices? This approach may not work, but I have done this with success with my son. If he tells me he wants to do something other that the choices I offer, I will tell him simply that it isn't a choice right now and repeat what the appropriate ones are. Chances can be misinterpreted as inconsistency. I do not offer any in most situations, if I do I will advise my son as to how many he has beforehand so that he knows. This also does not always work and he will still melt down, but he is usually tired or hungry or just having a generally bad day when that happens.

Could you use music to help her in the shower perhaps? You could tell her she needs to scrub different areas at different times in the song. That may be ridiculous of course, but I do weird things to help myself. I have made up songs because I like music and remember better if I sing things or put them to a tune.

Puberty tends to mess everything up. I recall that my issues with my mother became dramatically worse once I got there too.

You had a lot of very good suggestions I think. This is just my 2 cents (and if I am parroting anyone please accept my apologies - I did not read terribly closely)

I'm an AS mum with two NT daughters an AS son and a very supportive NT husband. I've found this discussion has given me cause to stop and think very hard about my own style of parenting, thank you to everyone who has contributed advice.

I understand how frustrating it is to deal with a child who has been asked politely, calmly and reasonably to follow an instruction or stop an activity - only to be met with evasive tactics, refusal, downright rudeness or meltdown.

My eldest daughter is 14, NT, and as a younger girl was always loving, kind and sympathetic. She didn't always do what was asked, but her behaviour certainly wasn't a problem. Now I have days where I feel every interraction with her is a battle: from getting her out of bed in the morning to getting her back into bed at night. It's as if she has to challenge every request with 'Why should I? It's my life and I can do as I please'. This includes refusing to sit at the table to eat meals, avoiding any attempt to complete her school homework, refusing to take off her school uniform so I have time to wash it ready for the next day, turning off her laptop....I won't bore you with an endless list! She's told me that if I don't arrange a hairdresser's appointment for her to get her hair bleached baby blonde, then she'll buy hairdye and do it herself at a friend's house. I've also been told that when she's 16 I can't stop her going and getting as many tattoos as she wants. Sometimes the going gets really tough and I do yell. My younger daughter (11 and NT) who has always been a smiling bundle of delight, is just entering the same phase So challenging behaviour and tantrums do occur in kids who have no sensory or information processing problems to contend with. Hopefully they are just a phase to be grown out of.

On a positive note, my AS son, (13), whose behaviour when he when he was younger was challenging to the point of exhaustion, is now polite and helpful. The only time he can be difficult to deal with is when he has an obesession for something I can't accomodate (he currently wants a treadmill, we don't have the money to buy one or the space to house one, but he's determined to find a solution) when he will spend hours debating and redebating how I could satisfy the obsession. I can cope with and empathise with him on these occasions, and only reach yelling point when he marches into our bedroom at one in the morning with another potential solution to the problem!

The only advice I can offer is that which my husband gives me.

Set very clear boundaries for behaviour, and don't be persuaded by tears and pleading to move these boundaries.

If you make a reasonable request also make it clear what the consequences will be if the request isn't met, and make sure the consequence happens. It is helpful if the consequence is relevant: eg 'In five minutes I want to you switch off your laptop and make a start on your homework. If you don't, then your laptop will be taken away from you for the rest of the evening'. This may involve a HUGE reaction on the part of your child, but my husband assures me that eventually a consistent approach will pay off (and as he's the Head of a school for pupils with severe learning difficulties and/or challenging behaviour, I trust his judgement)

If there is something you can do to avoid unnecessary confrontation, then do it! (I have just ordered an extra two sets of school uniform for my daughter so I can always have a clean set ready, and avoid at least one weekday hassle!).

Going into meltdown yourself doesn't have a positive effect either on you or your child. If possible, walk away from the confrontation, wait until you are calmer, and then try again to resolve the situation reasonably.

I'm working on all of the above, and it can be a real struggle at times.

I find that one method is pretty effective in dealing with defiance and uncooperative behavior:

I draw up a list of things that need to be done during the day: things like bruishing teeth, putting clothes on, clearing dishes, etc.

Also, behavioral things: not arguing, being polite.

This list is like a series of checkmarks that is posted on the fridge: all check boxes need to be filled by bedtime that night. What happens if they are not?

Priviledges get taken away, starting with the computer, then the Wii, then art supplies, going on playdates, etc.

An aspie child will understand this perfectly--they like routine and predictable things. They will see that the checkmarks are missing and know that they will not have computer time the next day.

Timeouts can be effective as an immediate punishment, but over time, they tend not to do a whole lot.

The most important thing to realize with Aspie kids, is that unpredictable situations lead to a feeling of being overwhlemed: they can stress out easily. They need to be eased into things: I cannot emphasize this more. Out kids are homeschooled largely because of this: the public school was chaotic crowd control--what we do at home is structured to the child's needs, predictable, and highly adaptable. If a family can homeschool, I highly recommend it: that is when things really turned around for us, and we found our children's talents and motivations.

Your computer and showertime battles sound all to familiar. In fact, I was laughing as I read it. Not funny ha-ha but more like... look at that... I'm not alone.

My daughter is going on 9 and dx'd with AS. one of my key strategies for securing those transitions between tasks is lots of forewarning. When she sits down at the computer, i reminder her that she needs to take a shower tonight at 7pm - no arguements when the time comes. We give her 1/2 hour and then 10 minute warnings. We still occassionaly get the 'after this video...' but for the most part, it has been much smoother since we implemented the before hand prompts.

Our daughter hates the feeling of shower spray on her face. That makes hair washing a battle. But she does it - and she knows she is subject to inspection after her shower to make sure she got all the shampoo out - or if she used shampoo at all. It's a weird one since she loves swimming underwater in a swimming pool. I'm thinking its a sound and sensation issue - it's also tied to the need to close her eyes and tilt her head back. Her balance and motor skills are an issue- so close eyes, tilt head, rinse hair, spray in face, sound bouncing around an enclosed tiled surface... overload is a possibility. She's getting better - slowly but surely. Slow and steady wins the race.

I had braces at 10 too. I'll tell you what - they are a sensory nightmare. Flossing with them is nearly impossible. You need to brush much higher up on your gums than normally because of the metal anchors. It hurts. I'd suggest a Spin Brush with the smallest head on it possible. It will make it easier for her to get in and around her braces without involving her gums too much. The little preflossed picks might help with the flossing - trying to string loose floss through all that metal is like trying to weave macrame in your mouth. The picks might give her much better control. She is more than old enough - discuss these options with her and ask if she wants to go shoppig to pick them out. Getting her involved is not only empowering but makes her feel listened to and encourages independence.

Hope that helps.

Wow. Lots of great advice... I hope I don't repeat anything, but it took me a long time to read through this thread...

I think it's important to remember that children learn by example. While I think at times we all lose our cool and yell, this is not a "preferred" method of communication. When you yell, she is learning that this is an acceptable way to communicate, even if you're telling her not to yell at you. I try very, very, very hard to not yell (and fail at times) but it helps so much to be able to say calmly to my son, "I'm not yelling at you, why are you yelling at me?" and it actually seems to calm him down a bit.

At one point, you mentioned counting. When my son was younger, I could count til I was blue in the face, to no effect. At some point, I considered that numbers can go on forever, and I changed tactics. I started counting backwards from 3. Almost immediately I saw a difference. Now, I usually never even get to 2. A lot of times, I don't even have to verbalize it. If we have eye contact, I hold up three fingers and he immediately falls in line. (It was a rather amazing discovery for me.)

I found that wording my requests differently helped immensely. When I send him to shower, 1) I start the shower because he's nervous about getting the temperature right. and 2) I give explicit direction. "You need to shower. Please wash your hair and scrub your body." I cannot assume that just reminding him to wash his hair is enough, the body will not be washed as well... even though that should be the natural assumption as that is what a shower is for. If I just tell him to wash his body, he won't wash his hair..
If I want him to clean up his junk that's strewn across my living room, I have to put it all in a pile in the middle of the living room and tell him, "These things don't belong in the living room, I need you to put it away, in your room, where it belongs." If I don't put it in a pile, he will ignore 90% of the random items he's discarded in random places throughout the room. If I don't state why I want him to do it, it will lead to arguments as to why, and where... This just seems to nip it in the bud for us.. Or I can point out, "I told you why.. These things belong in your bedroom and I'm also sick of our living room looking like your bedroom."

That said, I try to identify when he's truly ignoring me or being defiant, and when he is acting on compulsion. Often he is operating on a scripted "This is the order things need to be done in...." It used to drive me nuts. I thought he was just being spiteful, but once I relaxed and looked at the situation objectively.. I discovered that he was more than willing to comply once he'd finished his script.. (Of course, back then, I had no idea what scripting was!)(I don't really know anything about your daughter's condition, my son is an Aspie with ADHD.. so this might not apply at all, but I still thought I'd share it)

I try really hard to not get into a situation where I have to implement consequences. (Hear me out on this one.) I don't give "chances" per se... as my son will see that as the natural pattern of things. I tell my son firmly, THIS is what I expect. "You can choose to do it, or not to do it. If you're not going to do it, you're choosing to disobey and you can go to your room because I'm not going to stand here and fight with you. When you're done being mad at me, you can choose to come out." When he comes out, we talk about it briefly, and then I tell him he needs to do said activity. If he comes out still defiant, or wanting to continue the fight.. I just send him back to his room. (This probably works well for me because my son is an only child and it's not often that I'm having to deal with a situation between two children.)

I also don't allow us to fall into the "One more song", "One more level", "One more episode". Again, my son will adapt that to be the natural order of things. If I know that this is a night that he has specific tv shows he HAS to watch, I make him look at the tv guide and pick which time slot he wants to miss so that he can bathe. Then we stick to it. If it's video games or something, I tell him he can pause the game and come back to it after his shower. He can listen to ONE MORE SONG, after his shower, possibly two or three more if things go smoothly and there is time, or he can listen to music while he showers. (He really likes that!)

Where we most often fall into this issue is right after school. I give him a half hour to have a snack and unwind before we start homework. I have tried to give him more time, but it turns into a fight as he wants more time to play and keeps trying to push homework back. We can't save it for after dinner because then he's too tired and can't focus at all. Living in Oregon, it rains most of the year.... so on sunny days, or especially the first sunny day in a long time, I want to be a nice guy and let him enjoy it.. HOWEVER, this comes back to bite me in the ass more often then not, because he tries to adapt it as our new script.. "But yesterday it was ok!! Please MOM! Just one more day.. I won't ask tomorrow!" He will. So it's best to stick with the same rules everyday, no matter how beautiful a day it is.

In a situation like the one where she appropriated her sister's jacket, I would turn the situation around on her. How would she feel if her sister just decided to take something of hers for the day? I might even go so far as to tell the older child that she has a choice, she can give back the jacket or you're going to go get something of hers for the younger child to have for the day... a hair pretty, a bracelet, earrings, a favorite top. She may very likely flip out over it.. but just keep stating.. "You have a choice.. give it back or give up something." If I do have to implement a repercussion, I try to make it immediate.. directly related to the situation... and give the option for my son to rectify the situation by making the right choice. If, instead, I tell him, "Fine. After school, you're grounded from..........tv or video games.." After school, he doesn't see the reason for the punishment... His crime was FOREVER AGO.... It's over with.... All he sees is that now I'm making his life miserable. It doesn't cause him to be reflective on his actions at all. Really, I think it's pointless.

One last thing... to the flossing.... I can't even read what was said about it without my skin crawling. Flossing for me is like nails on a chalkboard is for some. My skin gets all goose-bumpy and I get that itchy, vomitous feeling deep inside. I HATE FLOSSING. My teeth are pretty tight and when I floss it's like a million little threads scraping and catching on my teeth.... and ugg... I can't talk about this anymore..... but maybe she has a response like that... I don't have an answer for you on how to solve it... I only do it when necessary and use mouthwash several, several times a day... but that is not proper dental hygiene, and I know it.. I just can't seem to force myself to do it. Even going back to try to proof read this paragraph is hard for me... I feel like it's crazy, but my reaction is so incredibly physical...

Anyway, as I said.. My son is an Aspie, and I don't really know anything about your daughter's condition.. However, since not all Aspies are alike and somethings work for one that might not work with another, I thought I'd share in the hopes that maybe something might help in some way.

Good Luck!

I'm an Aspie mom. My oldest son just turned 9 - today - and my youngest is almost 2.

My oldest is a challenge emotionally. Physically he's not bad at all. He's non violent, his meltdowns are crying. But he's a challenge emotionally. He can be stubborn.

I've realized that he embodies everything 'weak' that I dislike about myself. When I look at him, I see all the parts of me that I always try to fight.

The thing is, with the older child, you tend to expect that they will be 'older' than they really are. Imagine that you also had a 15 yr old child. Would you see your 11 yr old the same way? Expect the same things?

It seems to me that you have a young teenager. Prone to temper, stubbornness, and a pervasive unwillingness to listen. PDD-NOS or not, she is becoming a teenager.

What you need to to is forget the pressures from your mom. My mom is the same, always on my oldests sons 'side' and oblivious to my struggles. Forget her. Focus on only one thing: you are adult. She is child.

You are adult. She is child.

Remember that 11 is not 'grown'. She's going to test, fight, yell, and do things that, frankly, make her seem like a child!

You, however, ARE grown. So you need to be able to 'step back' mentally and observe, rather than get all emotionally tangled.
When she's troublesome, look at her and try to see that she's a little kid, being thrown into an adult body, full of hormones and chemicals and having no idea where she's heading or what is going on.

Pretend you are not her mother but her councellor.

Play whatever mind games you have to. But stay on HER side.
Forget Mom. She's a fly in your ear.

This is really important because if she grows up and never feels connected to you she will find someone else to connect to. And that can lead to pregnancy, running away, dropping out of school and drugs.
You need to be calm, and use your intellect to guide her.
When your own emotions start to up-rise, tap out. Take a break. Take a walk. Re-adjust.

She's going to be difficult and she's going to fight you but YOU are the adult, and as much love as you gave her when she was a toddler that's as much love as you have to provide as she becomes a teen.

good luck!