I know it's selfish, but ...
25 May 2011, 2:46 am
So yesterday I was faced was a massive flow of emails to my in-box and cc'd to my phone as everyone "replied to all" planning this dance. Which I have no reason to help with, but would have very much enjoyed being a part of if my son had shown any interest at all in. It's "the" event for graduation; there really is little else for us to mark the transition.
It was also our last open house at the elementary school, as my 5th grade daughter prepares to depart that happy place for middle school.
I am not a natural social butterfly, but I love being social. All those years working on events at the elementary school gave me an easy social circle. You are instantly friendly with all the other volunteer minded moms, and by the nature of projects you pick (artsy v. sales v. instructional, etc) you end up surrounded by people who share many of your interests and talents. Or, at least, that is how it was at this one school (no queen bee PTA presidents, just people genuinely happy to embrace everyone who wanted to be a part of giving to the school).
But once out of the elementary school, things change. There haven't been good volunteer jobs for me at the middle school, and much of the parent social life has shifted solidly onto sports. Which my son has no part in, and my daughter will not, either. I lose a nice little social life in the bargain.
And ... there are all the unfulfilled wishes from my own youth, the ways I didn't fit in or get to experience it all, since I wasn't that gifted socially, either. I would have liked to see it be different for my own kids. A way to live it vicariously, I guess.
I LIKE stupid stuff like dances, the cute way youth date, and so on. I LIKE it when, out of the blue, random happy teens descend on our house and clear out our refrigerator. I LIKE planning parties and hosting events, as long as the schedule doesn't get too intense (I do overload easy!). But I do not, unfortunately, really like playing Warhammer, or trying to follow dozens of new game rules as my son invents new games (I LOVE that he invents, but I'm not a gamer, so being his first sounding board is not an easy fit). I can't talk programming, gaming, or the nuances of history.
My NT daughter isn't any more into the stuff I like than my AS son is.
So I got depressed as I had to delete all those individual dance planning emails. Another social connection I just can't make because my son has no interest in it. It's not his fault, I know it's a "me" thing, but, still, sometimes I would like a few things to be different.
Ah DW_mom, the social environments you yearn for are the things my nightmares are made of. At least the social aspect of them. However, I'm curious....why are you prohibited from participating in these things simply because your son doesn't care to go to them? I don't see how your help wouldn't be appreciated and if you can't find someone to watch your son during these volunteer activities, couldn't he tag along while absorbing himself in some interest of his off in some quiet area?
Starting a group or club catering to those who share the same interests as your son is also an option. I believe children with AS do need some guided social interaction, maybe a little forced at times, but it does need to be in an environment and context they are comfortable enough with to be able to enjoy.
I hate to say it but I do think your visions of what I imagine are "normal" pre-teen and teenaged environments are a bit idealistic in that you don't consider the dark side of it. And I'm afraid the dark side is much darker than it used to be....in my sleepy moderately upscale suburban community, though you wouldn't know it from first glance, the teenaged population was being ravaged by a heroin epidemic, and the chances an NT teenager would want their parents involved in their social lives is generally slim.
Though they may need more prompting socially, and may not have the same interests as most kids their age, I think teenagers with AS are much more open to the presence of their parents in their life, socially and otherwise, and are less likely to stray from a non-destructive path in life.
25 May 2011, 1:06 pm
DW_a_mom... I get where you're coming from. I have often felt the same way. I have recently been deleting prom fundraiser emails.
Honestly, I think middle school is kind of a blight as far as this stuff goes...and in general. Middle school is just a blight from every angle, really. But by high school, I think it does improve. We have things like Key Club and honor society which always need volunteers, and the fine arts department at our high school has a booster club to rival all the sports. The science fair, etc.
Also, don't completely give up on sports. My daughter (15) is loving the crew team at her school. Its in many ways an ideal sport for her- all technical skill and no quick decisions. It would help if she were bigger, but there is a lightweight category. And you know, socially it's better than most things. She's awkward and not really 'in' with what's going on, but she is technically proficient and the nature of the sport means that the other kids need her and she has a niche to fill. She often doesn't go when they go out after practice... I noticed she was not invited when they went to lunch recently ...but she doesn't appear to have caught that, so whatever. Anyway, that pains me but not her...but I digress here. There is more volunteer work than volunteers and an active, mostly nice set of parents. It's my only real connection to the school community (this and science fair), but it is a pretty good one. I have another friend with an aspie son- more severely affected than mine - who is on a swim team. And yet another whose son is on the school track team as a long distance runner. Some of these sports are more accepting of kids who are not overtly athletic types, too.
To be honest, I still struggle with being a bit of an outsider even in the above groups, since my daughter is so uninvolved in whatever social scene is happening among the kids. She's not going to the dance, she's never over at someone's house on Friday, out with the gang, she was never at whatever event they're talking about, or whatever. I feel a lot of disconnection from the common experience a lot of the time. But I have slowly been able to find good opportunities and some common space around things like science fair and crew.
Also, you may find that a lot of the involved parents at high school are the same involved parents from elementary school - I'm not sure the blight of middle school isn't common to everyone- and that you can reconnect with some of the same group. (I don't know because were military and I am always starting over, but it sure seems like the volunteers all know each other from elementary school around here.)
Good luck. Thinking of you-
Petrel
