Bullying...please weigh in

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So we had a meeting at the school today to address bullying concerns. Mostly, my daughter (who is has an easy trigger. Some of her classmates have figured this out and like to "set her off." The teacher feels that my daughter is a bully because when she gets upset she yells. We tried (with little gain) to explain that if she yells when she is frustrated, that is not okay, BUT it is a manifestation of her disability. They just don't get it...

Please weigh in. Any advice is appreciated.

All the participants involved in the incidents need to be held accountable for their actions. In a Complete Guide To Asperger's, Tony Attwood talks about using the "Scales of Justice" technique to break down situations in a step by step manner and assign a severity to each action (or lack of action) that each person did that was wrong. This can help the child with AS understand all the parts of the incident and that there are actions that are worse than others. Hitting or biting for example might be considered "more wrong" than calling someone a name.

Breaking down a particular incident may also help your child identify the point at which she could have made a different choice. Maybe this could help her learn something like as soon as the teasing starts she needs to walk away from the situation or ask an adult for help. This of course will require that the school acknowledge that your child is the victim not the perpetrator of the bullying.

Yelling is NOT bullying. I think one of the biggest contributors to the bullying problem is that too many people have NO IDEA what it is or what it looks like. Does your daughter's teacher have any idea of the teasing she is being subjected to that results in her yelling reaction?

No. They ask the other student, "did you say..." and the other student says "no" so automatically she assumes that my daughter is lying (and she is no liar!). If she would tell the teacher "they looked at me funny" or something like that, I would say that maybe she percieved things the wrong way, but when it is something as concrete as another child SAYING something, I feel confident that they actaully said that. I will look for that book. Thanks!

We informed the school that a certain boy was constantly picking on our son. Punching and kicking him when the teachers were not looking and he was afraid to tell because the one time he did the other boy denied doing anything so they told my son that he was lying. We got a phone call from the teacher and she said that she was keeping a better eye on them and she saw my son walk up to this boy and for no apparent reason, at least in her opinion, kicked the other boy. So now it was my son who was the bully. The teacher saw this outside the window and she has no idea what the other boy said or did before my son kicked him and after being randomly punched and kicked and knowing that no one would help him I dont blame him for kicking the little jerk. We talked to our son and told him that he was not to hit, kick or push anyone even if they did it first and that he needed to go straight to the teacher and tell every time someone hit, kicked or pushed him. This finally worked but it took awhile as my son has a hard time controlling himself when he is upset. He will cry and the other kids will tease him and then he gets violent. I was prepared to go and stand by the gate during recess even though I have a disease which prevents me from standing or walking for more than 20 minutes or so. So Im glad we were able to somewhat work things out but my son is still picked on, verbally, a lot and we had an incident recently where some other boys stole his favorite Pokemon card and I could hardly get him to talk to me when I picked him up he was so hysterical. Fortunately he will be attending a specialized school next year. This is very common though that they blame the child with the "issues" instead of the instigator or bully. Id threaten to turn them into the school board if they can not protect your daughter. This is very serious, I should know, it causes very serious psychological trauma. In this day and age when kids are killing themselves because they are bullied they should be more hyper vigilant!

I actually meant that she yells (cries loudly-yells is their term) when frustrated because she lacks the knowledge of how to effectively communicate this. I just received a call from a Certified Behavior Analysist who is a professor at our local university. He is going to work with us and do an FBA. I am very excited! Yay!