Teen will not change bathroom routine--help!!

Post Reply New Topic

Tangent.

Obviously, I am passionate about knowing what your unique child is ready for, not assuming. Follow your child's clues, etc, etc. Beyond having less meltdowns, what do I think you gain by it? What I'm hoping for is a child that will keep on trying to meet a challenge even when it seems hopeless to him.

We've seen many situations on this board with kids checking out, giving up, unable to see that another try at a difficult task might be successful. Many with AS seem to have trouble believing in the power of effort, seem to be unable to devise road L for tackling the problem, and will insist on staying on failed road C. I really, really want my son to learn how to meet challenges, how to stay engaged with them, and how to defeat them. This is SO valuable in life. So. What if one of the reasons so many with AS can't do this, or won't do this, is because life is already too full of people assuming they can do things they cannot? Of them hearing, "why can't you do this?!" or "I'm sure you can do this!" when the child knows full well that he can't? I think our kids NEED someone whose judgement they can trust, fully trust, when that person says, "I know you can do this, let's try again."

My son has had to meet many, many difficult challenges. Things that would be extremely costly to his future if he walked away from. And he's been doing it. I've had this exact conversation: "I honestly believe you can do it, I wouldn't ask you to do it if I didn't. Have I ever forced you to do something you were not ready for?" He's answer, "No." What he'll do next? Deep breath, try again.

I think the war to win is that one, that they'll dig in and take on the difficult task, or learn the impossible skill, because someone they trust believes in them. Eventually, they'll learn to make that assessment for themselves, but first they have to have the experience of success. How can someone with AS get that experience if the parents push them when they aren't ready, just like the rest of the world does? So that they understand failure and disappointment but not success? I'd rather wait too long than push too early.

There are two golden rules in parenting, whether it is an AS child, NT child, or whatever:

1) Consistency
2) Pick your battles

Be clear, I long ago said that the wiping is THE battle for the OP to pick at the moment. This conversation has moved past that, into generalizations that I don't think are good to make.

My son is about to start High School and by the feedback the outside world is giving me, he is doing stellar. People in real life who once doubted the choices I was making are coming back and saying, "wow, you had it right all along." So, yeah, I'm feeling I might have a few bragging rights, maybe, that I might actually "know" a few things. And I know it can all turn on me in a second and every illusion can be shattered; or that it could just be dumb luck. I know that, too.

I also know that every child is different; every family is different; so what works for me may not work for someone else.

But when it comes to generalizations I refused to follow ... I know those were failed generalizations. I think there is enough proof to say it. And sell it.

Nope it is not a fear of clogging the toilet...it is an OCD issue. We have taught him to do a "courtesy flush" and then he can flush the TP.

There are shoulds with children with AS and one of them is expecting they should acquire certain life skills at relatively the same ages as other children.

The issue is, many parents don't know what direction to push their children and they don't know what battles to pick because as I previously have said, children with AS have different priorities and stressors than other children.

It is actually not having the child rise to the occasion which I believe has been more detrimental to children with AS than the pressures and standards the older generations had to face.

Among the older generations you may very well find depression, feelings of isolation, and a sense that their family did not understand them, however you also find people who acquired basic life skills by roughly the same age as their peers. Among the younger generation you still find depression, feelings of isolation, but instead of a sense their family does not understand them, you find a sense of neediness and immaturity at an age when the previous generation was becoming independent and developing coping skills.

I fear the younger generation will never reach their full potential or anywhere near it until their parents are no longer around to care for them, and by then they will only be able to utilize the little potential they have left.

You all might be parents of children with AS, but I'm a person with AS and I know how your child thinks, I know how your child feels when they melt down over things which seem trivial to you...nearly all of the struggles you have with your child my parents had with me, and I can articulate the perspectives of children with AS while those who don't have AS can only guess.

I will tell you one of the perpetual frustrations of someone with AS is the fact that people don't listen even when they proclaim to. If a person with AS wrote diagnostic criteria for Neurotypical Syndrome it would concrete thinking and an inability to empathize would also be among the requirements.

Chronos, full potential varies by individual. If the "old" methods mean that my son will be fired from or quit every job within 6 months, as happens with some AS adults, that will mean I've failed. I KNOW my child can do better. If going slower results in solid skills that will not only get him through life, but let him excel in life, then going slower is worth it.

I love your insights on what things are like from the other side but you also haven't been on this side.

I continue to absolutely reject, as a generalization, that AS kids should be acquiring life skills on the same timeline as NT kids. I knew my son was different on these BEFORE he got an AS diagnosis, not because of it, as your accusation assumes. Every AS child is impaired differently, some having more trouble with different life skills than others, but pretty much NONE of us have seen a perfect NT pattern, and it's NOT for lack of firm parenting. Call it a common co-morbid if you must, but AS kids seem to develope on their own path, sometimes faster, sometimes slower, for pretty much everything. Parents who don't understand that are, in my observation, more likely to fail their kids than those who do.

I don't know what the OP's son is capable of, none of us do. We post our different perspectives and she decides what fits her situation best. The beauty of it is that one of us is likely to get it right for her. As long as someone does, it doesn't matter which one of us right.

But please don't imply that I'm selling my son short. By every objective measure, including NT world standards, I am not. He takes honors claases and gets mostly A's. He's travelled away from home, no parent or speical needs support of any sort, for half his summer. He holds roles of leadership and responsibility. Other parents tell me is a "positive influence.". Not as an AS kid, but as a 14 year old. He already has marketable job skills. Exactly where are we failing to make him do enough? I got there doing exactly as I advise others to do. He's going to have a full, responsible, adult life, earning a good income. I'm quite confident of it. Without my father's depression, and without my husband's frustrations. He'll have new issues none of us are thinking of, that's just life, but I don't think it will come from having helped him brush his teeth until 8 instead of 6, or because we still have to remind him to use his deoderant or push him to floss his teeth. If you aren't measuring my parenting attitude as successful, then I question what you're using as the score card.

This is the problem when you piggy back on someone elses thread. It's hard knowing what is meant for whom. All of my input goes to the OP. I do not really respond with suggestions when people ask their own thing in anothers' thread. I get confused too easily.

Chronos: except for some actors and most mathematicians, for most people there is no particular correlation between how well they did prior to being 15 and how well they go on to do in adult life. Many people suddenly do well as they approach adulthood, many child prodigies end up mediocre, so there really isn't any point in forcing anything, as long as progress is being made and effort put in and techniques tried.

It's true that not being able to do things can be a source of humiliation which causes depression, but that's why it should be dealt with with a mind to helping a child achieve that thing, in as positive a way as possible which seems to be what this mother is trying to do.

@ OP. How does he feel about someone other than you wiping his sh***y bum? If he can't stand that then maybe threatening him with it might make him do it. If he freaks out then you can open a dialogue about why he doesn't do it.

Is there anything that happened around the time he regressed? A change in school, divorce, house move, loss of a friend etc?

Sorry that I didn't mention that my son has a BIG problem with getting poop on his hands. He has wiped himself in the past and knows how. This was not a problem until 6th grade, when puberty kicked in. It alsoseems to be connected to something that happened to him at school. Whenever I try to talk to him about doing his own wiping,he reminds me of the time he had to use the bathroom in middle school and got poo on his underwear and his hands. Its like he is afraid if poo. He seems to have some OCD too---lots of hand washing, changing his clothes a lot, especially if the clothes touch the toilet or he thinks a drop of urine got on them. He will not touch himself when he pees--he just sort of aims it. When he washes his hands he just runs the COLD water over his hands. Maybe its to relax himself? Honestly, he is\a pretty smart kid and knows its not appropriate to have me wipe him. He has tried to get his dad to do it, when I'm not home, and says he just doesn't want to touch any poo. Gets very angy and says "I just can't do it." Does this seem more like an OCD thing that medication would help or not?

Yep, sounds like OCD and you should get him to see a therapist. In the meantime you could try these:

http://www.betterlifehealthcare.com/pro ... 4Qod8zuqbQ

Obviously it's a bit weird for him to take it out with him, but could work at home

Chronos, my son delayed on almost all "life skills." While we were persistent on a few things simply because they were THAT important to us, we never tried to force something onto him he didn't seem developmentally ready for. So, yes, you are talking about me. Except here is the key that Louise18 has pointed out: it eventually has evened out. So we kept him feeling happy and secure, and STILL raised a child who is fully capable at 14. So I'm utterly confused as to what you think the problem is, why that should be an issue. The only side effect most of the time is that the life skill delay drives the parents nuts. Seriously, people worry WAY too much about stuff that is a complete NON-issue, and usually for reasons that are false.

To be frank, I don't care what the diagnostic criteria say. This board is about raising children, not lists in books. And children are unique beings who each need to be raised in the way that suits them best. Making assumptions and following guidelines and sticking to timelines can quickly become a recipe for doing it wrong. Parents should be taking their clues from their kids, to the extent possible, and not from what ANYONE thinks their child "should" be doing. Information is supposed to be a TOOL, not an answer, and people who get that flipped around can make awful parents. IMHO.

As for effects that carry into adult life, you are discounting the volume of stories about what are, in effect, meltdowns in the workplace. Instead of being taught to tie his shoes, my son was taught to identify the physical changes in his body that indicate a build up of stress, and then to mitigate that stress. He no longer meltdowns in ways that can create issues for him. Should I really have worked on the shoes, a standard issue life skill, instead? I say no, the self-mitigation was far more important, and it is a TOUGH skill that most NT kids don't have to learn. Each child can only handle so much at a time. I picked my battle, and I am absolutely certain I picked the right one.

Somehow he ended up being able to tie a shoe anyway, by the way. When he was 10 or so a younger child asked for help tying a shoe and rather than admit he couldn't do it, he focused and accomplished the task. He thought it was the funniest thing, out of the blue something that had frustrated him to no end two years before became something that simply made sense and could be done.

Almost all the life skills have been like that for him. Frustration, makes no sense ... drop it, stop worrying about it ... one day it just clicks.

Others, like hygiene, are a little more complicated, due to sensory issues, his idea that the world has its priorities messed up, and so on. But over time we get through to him. We don't turn it into a battle. But you keep saying we should have, that there was no reason for him to take his time on it ... I disagree. All those complications are very real to him, things he needs to work out in his head.