20 year old son quit job, hiding in his room for past month

Post Reply New Topic

"one 'A for Attendance' class", Tracker meant Astronomy was an "easy A"...therefore did not count as making an effort in the class. Shrugs shoulders, my son told me that class was easy....

Thanks for those llnks.

You wrote a comprehensive response to one parent's posting about a similar situation, you did a great job.

I found the section where you described how you felt as a kid a very close match to my son. He has major social anxiety and is terrified of making a mistake. He was bullied a lot in school and yes, I was on his case a lot when he was younger because I had no clue what was going on with him. I thought he was being lazy, undisciplined and spending way too much time on World of Warcraft and not school work. From your earlier post:

I don't like to get into this much, but my childhood was not a pleasant time. I was continually bullied at school, treated poorly by my teachers, and constantly harassed by my mother at home. I was living my life constantly on the verge of meltdown, and I had some health issues because of all the stress I was under. I was terrified of leaving my room, going to school, going anywhere, talking to anybody, or even eating dinner with my family because I was afraid of how other people would treat me. No matter what I did, said, or tried it was never good enough. I would inevitably get mocked, punished, or yelled at and I just didn't want to deal with it anymore.

What started as a rational fear of just a few people (bullies/mother) became generalized of pretty much every situation. I was afraid to talk to any adult for fear of being yelled at. I was afraid of making ANY mistakes for fear that those mistakes would be used against me. The problem was that I had built up the 'punishment' in my head so much that I was terrified of doing anything wrong. Every time I got punished, I felt horrible because I had internalized the idea that only bad people get punished, and I didn't want to be a bad person. I was raised with the idea that making mistakes was unacceptable, and that I should feel bad if I made one. Basically, the anxiety that I built up around the 'punishment' was for worse then the punishment itself. I was afraid of talking to any child for fear that they would mock and insult me. I basically was terrified of doing anything. I tried to cope with this by being the 'perfect child'. I tried to never make any mistakes, follow all the rules, never say or do anything which might raise any concern, and never draw attention to myself.

The good news for you is you figured out your own method of dealing with all that social stress. My son does not seem to be anywhere near that point but nice to know it can be done.

Thanks again.

sounds like his issues with social interaction is what is driving all of his "failures" in being independant. He needs help with social skills training and everything else will fit in place if it goes well.
However, you need to insist that he take his depression meds...he cant just cold turkey on them or it will mess him up like that.

Jojo

i always felt like the odd one out in my classes especially in my general chemistry class. I grew up being picked on and when i would walk into the classroom i heard people laughing so i immediately thought they were laughing at me. I kinda just dealt with it and focused on my school work. I also took a class so i could jump ahead of those people. Being in classes where the people are less social and more mature makes the class a lot more tolerable. I usually don't feel like the odd one out when the classes are like that.

I don't want to work. That's like the last thing i want to do, even when i'm comfortable and not being picked on i still feel like i don't want to be in the situation at all. people scare me.

i can only imagine what your son is going through. i hope he figures out what he wants to do and makes him happy.

Taking prescription medication as directed by your doctor is not "tweaking." It is addressing a need. Many people who take ADHD stimulants need them in order to help control impulses and focus their attention, which is what you seem to be describing.

If you're self-medicating with either your own medication (meaning, using it in ways other than as directed) or with other controlled substances - especially if you are mixing the two, that is something you should stop. Talk to your prescribing doctor about these issues.

Dear Painting Diva,

The one A is likely because astronomy is a blow off class, or an 'A for Attendance' class. I had them in my college too, particularly one class called 'animal psychology' where we watched a 30 minute video of dog whisperer, or national geographic and then discussed it, did a 15 minute assignment, and then left. As long as you showed up, you got an A. This doesn't really happen with courses related to your major, but many colleges will have blow off general education classes that they force you to take just so they can charge more tuition. I am suspecting that unless your child is studying astrophysics, astronomy was like that.

Please don't misunderstand, I am not trying to call your son stupid. I am just merely pointing out that passing 1 class and failing the rest indicates that there is something which is holding your son back from doing well in college. Again, I do not know the situation well enough to say what exactly it is, but I know that there is some problem. And as such, trying college again without first identifying and fixing that problem is just going to result in further failure. That is why your son doesn't want to go back. And it is why I am suggesting that for now you skip the idea of college and either focus on a trade school that may be more your son's style, or working on the things like social anxiety or organization that are holding him back. Because unless you focus on those, his education wont be going anywhere, and that doesn't get him a job worth having.

One key thing for anybody with ASD. Not every negative thing is thing is about you. It is because we only know ourselves and we subsequently have a narcissistic slant to thinking that we end up internalizing that everything everybody does is a reflection on ourselves. That just isn't true.

Well this morning I showed my son one of Tracker's earlier posts on getting on in the world and what it was like for him when he was younger. I said, look at this part, sounds a lot like you right down to the Mom (sigh)....

He read it and then sat there with his arms crossed, he didn't throw me out of his room, but arms folded means to me, defensive, don't make me read this stuff, it doesn't apply to me but he did read it. Which was better than the time I tried to give him one of Michelle Garcia Winner's books, written especially for teens on social issues and he said if you give this to me I will throw it out. That was last December.

I did download Tracker's online book yesterday and I am still reading it, but on page 148, I would say he described the whole dilemma in a nutshell, these are my notes, not the exact wording;

Most common problems for ASD people:

1. holding ASD people back is stress and anxiety, being overwhelmed by the work environment

2. Executive Function is weak, figuring out what to do next, breaking large problems into small steps

3. Becoming depressed and giving up.

My son is currently at item number 3.

I am tenacious and I will not give up on him, ever. My mother compared me to a bulldog once, I am not sure she meant that as a compliment, but it is accurate.

BTW, he does not have dysgraphia, I didn't think so but I did ask if it hurts or cramps his and to hold a pen or pencil. He said no it does not hurt. He has a weird pencil grip but then so did his grandmother.

Tracker you rock! You have clearly and logically explained the situation.

How I get my son to move forward at this time, I am not completely sure but at least I have some idea of what direction to go in...thanks again.

only thing I have been self medicating with is weed, and I tried mdma but it just turned me into a touchy feely creep. I guess I will try to get my prescription back. I always took normal doses.

Double-check with your physician, and be honest about the pot and whatever else. First of all, it may interact with other meds in a negative way, and second of all, there may be prescription medications that do what pot does for you, only better and with less damage to your lungs and without the potential for a criminal history.

Your doctor is restricted by HIPAA rules; all patient conversations, literature and even emails are bound by that rule - they can only tell your parents what they know as long as you are a minor, and they can't tell police. It is critical that anyone who is taking medications of any kind be honest with their physician about use of any mind-altering substances, including alcohol and caffeine.

I'm on no medications right now, I just took an vyvanse so I could stay awake durring class..I end up drawing for a few hours after words.. even on 30 I felt like I was rolling... I'm just saying I feel no motivation with out it. I haven't taken any on a daily basis in months.

Tracker wrote:

Sometimes it helps to look at it the other way around: He *did* pass this class. What are all the reasons that contributed to his success? What made it a good fit for him? Does he have a special interest in astronomy? Are there other courses in related areas or in other areas of his special interests? At the college level, in my opinion, people should *only* take courses they enjoy. I see no reason he can't take just one or two courses. And you might want to see if there are community classes or lectures he's interested in, even though they aren't attached to a program or diploma.

J.

Thanks for the post. My son had never studied Astronomy before and clearly it interested him, also most of the homework assignments were done on line, though the class was live and in person. I am assuming it interested him and he found doing online assignments more palatable to do...I have suggested to him that he only enroll in Japanese language classes at the college level already. He so far, has no interest in doing that.

The best I can figure his social anxiety about college classes is very high, when he quit community college he told me, "no one talks to me" and he was upset about that and I guess he still is.

He has just spent the past month hiding in his room, up all night, sleeping all day, he just had two weeks without the internet due to his I'm not looking for another job routine. His Dad and I gave him a list yesterday of what he needs to do if he wants the internet back.
Most importantly, go see your psychiatrist and get back on your anti-depressant.

Then basic stuff, like shower every day, get your sleeping hours back to normal, start job hunting, do your laundry once a week, clean your room once a week, take the trash and the recycle soda cans/water bottles out of your room once a week.

He refused to answer but his body language said I'm angry. We went right for plan B, which was took away all his electronic toys other than his Japanese electronic dictionary.

His response? He has more or less laid in bed and barely eaten anything. Though today he has agreed to go out for lunch with his Dad....fun times at my house. I hope his Dad gets through to him today.

Of course I don't know your circumstances and so am not criticising - but I wonder if you are not being too hard on your son. Trying a different approach of trying to understand him and work through his issues might be better for all of you?

I am still a bit concerned about his Japan obsession...the reason I say this is because the whole anime/manga/video games thing can be quite addicting for some. When he is up all night on the computer, what is he doing? Playing some game? These types of things can take over one's life, I've seen it happen before and it's not good.

I know a guy who came over here as a grad student to do research, and it was a slipperly slope downward as soon as he arrived. He is married now but they live with the inlaws. He now only works part time (teaching private English lessons) and spends most of his free time playing World of Warcraft.

His wife wants him to get a real job but he is just not interested. The guy is in his 40's...

Where to begin? I do not think I am being too hard on my son, we are trying to get his attention and also letting him know if he wants to be 'hikikomori' he is going to have to get himself a full time job and another place to live if he wants to go that route. Of course that is a contradiction in terms because 'hikikomori' means you never leave the house, or your room for that matter, and live on your PC. A social phenomenon in Japan. Young adults are refusing school and jobs and living with their parents, as recluses, you can look it up if you want.

I do understand my son's issues very well. He is ASD, he has severe social anxiety, he refuses to return to college and has no friends, and is depressed. He did work for one year as a dishwasher in a restaurant. He recently quit with no explanation and since then has been acting out his hikikomori dream. He went off his anti-depressants and refuses to admit that being ASD has anything to do with him. Read my previous posts if you wish.

As far as "World of Warcraft", I am bitter about that. He discovered WOW in 8th grade, prior to that he was on the honor roll at middle school. We had many, many battles about his grades and that game. I strongly believe that started him on the road to social isolation and academic disaster. I also believe that living on his PC only atrophies his social skills "In Real Life" or IRL.

I learned to play WOW because I wanted to know what was his fascination with this game. I found out. It was a very fun game, and it in its own weird way very social if you joined a guild and start 'raiding'. But really, at the end of the day, I never met so many unemployed or barely employed people in my entire life as I did in that game. And people that would get sincerely outraged if someone goofed up in a raid, or they didn't win the loot roll, or someone ninjaed some gear from them. People who play game like it is a job, a job where you don't get paid. But yes I did see why my son loved that game and pitched a fit if he missed a 'raid' because then he lose his Dragon Kill Points. It's a nice, exciting, world where you get intermittent rewards to keep you playing and the dopamine surging and if things go wrong, you just get to log off for a little bit, regroup and log back on and if things go really wrong, create a new 'toon' and move to another server.

I eventually found it dead boring and repetitive and yes I even raided for awhile but I found it beyond ridiculous that I was going to rearrange things in my Real Life to accommodate a 'raiding schedule'.....and if your spouse is playing it obsessively, I would recommend to his wife to give him an ultimatum, me or the game, it is that bad and addictive for some people and if he says I take the game, she better divorce his sorry ass and get on with her life fast.

My son has since moved on from that game and the last I checked he was enamored of Monster Hunter, the Korean version and frustrated because he couldn't get the right kind of VISA card to play the Japanese version. Where his interest in Japanese comes from I believe. I looked at Monster Hunter when he was playing it and I thought, oh like WOW only with better graphics and 'free'....

He would be very happy if we left him alone to do his 'thing'. meaning no job, no life outside of being up all night on his PC and sleeping during the day. Financial independence, your own place, what's that as long as my doting parents let me act out my fantasy life.

The only way we know how to get his attention is to take away his computer and his play station, and his psp and then wait him out, until he decides to move on, the list of things we want him to do at home? Those are life skills that he needs to do every day whether he is living at home with his parents or on his own....sorry this went a little long but to say we are 'being too hard on him', I don't think so. I am sorry we did not rip the computer out of his room and his life when he was in 8th grade.

The internet is what I would call a double edged sword, it has done marvelous things for information and communication for the whole world, and it has also inadvertently provided a way for some people to 'hide' from the world.