Meltdowns and Uneducated family members

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So My son is six years old he was diagnosed with AS almost a year ago. I have done everything possible to work with him and make sure he gets what he needs. My husband is mostly open to the fact that E has Aspergers but he doesnt listen when I tell him how to deal with the different quirks E has including meltdowns. Last night his meltdown was so overwhelming. My husband walked through a train track that E had built in his room destroying that and then started yelling at him. When I finally got E calmed down my husband made it worse by threatening to take away all of E's trains (his obssession). Just worsened E's meltdown. He then got up and said its a waist of breath and time after I asked E about 5 times to talk clearly not under his breath. I thought he was just giving up on E. He said it was the situation but either way it was horrible. I feel awful because I cant make both of them happy. ANY ADVICE PLEASE?

When your husband loses temper and can't deal with a meltdown I would tell him to leave the situation. He could go outside an take some deep breaths or a little walk. Sure that would mean you are alone with Elijah but his behaviour makes things much worse and it will probably happen again. I would try to talk about the meltdown again without accusing your husband when he is in a good mood and ask him if it would be okay for him - either that or he tries to support Elijah instead of making things worse.

Sometimes my husband seems to be a few steps behind in understanding our son's behavior. It makes sense though. I'm the one that does all the reading about Asperger's. I'm the one that talks to the school supports and therapists. So, I've found that I have to take on the task of educating him. I'll pass along articles that I think succinctly describe an issue we've faced with our son. And, if he doesn't read the ones that I pass on, I make a point of discussing what I've learned from it with him. That has helped a lot.

Also, as my husband has come along in understanding, he's been able to take it better when I ask him to just leave the room when he's losing his temper with our son. And, turns out, sometimes *I* need to leave the room, and my husband can recognize it now. So, we do a lot of tag teaming in those situations! And, as long as we don't *both* need to leave the room at the same time, we do a pretty darn good job these days! Our boy doesn't melt down as much as he used to, which is why sometimes we do a bad job dealing with it. It kind of takes us off guard these days.

In a quiet moment, if you can find one when your husband isn't stressed, talk to him about the protocol for E's meltdowns. Tell him you've been studying this issue and know people who've gotten them under control. That there is a method, and it will take patience, but to give E the best chance you want to follow it. It takes extreme patience that will test everyone in the home, but the pay off could be very worth it. And then ask him to respect that.

Which leads to the next step. Ask your husband to accept that he, like everyone else in this world, can let his emotions get the better of him. It is normal, it is fine. But your son's meltdowns are not the time and place. You need your husband to agree to leave the situation immediately if you give some simple signal or statement, indicating that at that one moment he doesn't seem to be in the mental space to show the patience to follow the protocol for managing the situation. He needs to agree to listen and remove himslef; let you handle it. And there could be times he'll have to say the same to you, because you are cracking in a moment your son cannot have you crack, and you will then leave the situation.

In our house, I handle 90% or so of the kid's outbursts. Often, my husband hides in the basement office until it is over. It really frazzles him to see and hear the kids upset. He cannot deal with it at all. I never really had to push this issue; he knows his upset can't help. But sometimes he can see a pattern between my daughter and I that accelerates things, and he sends me away, and he defuses her, so he knows it's just one of those things, and the beauty of a marriage partnership is that you don't have to do the tasks you aren't suited for.

I never really thought about asking my husband to leave I was afraid it would sort if undermine his authority. But if I talk to him about it before hand it will help so that's what I am going to do. Thanks guys here's hoping

Please just remember not to ask him to leave the room out loud or n front of your kid. Sometimes my husband does this when I loose my temper. What he does is he asks me to step aside one minute, he takes me to another room and there tells me I am loosing my temper and asks me if I need him to handle the situation.

Most men are not very collaborative. They just walk away as far as possible from dealing with children. They just dont know how to handle situations and dont wanna know because the see that as "our field". Just keep insisting on talking to him about stuff, and try to make him participate as much as possible (specially in good times, like playing games, video games, watching movies, etc), dont let him feel like your and your boy are a team and he is alone. A father is very important for a kind, and they are also very important for us. They give us balance. He will eventually get better. You will see...

Sounds like your husband is having meltdowns of his own.

My father would threaten to punch my teeth out when I was in the midst of a meltdown. He aparently threatened my brothers with that too and never actualy did it but when I was young I took everything litteraly and if you would have told me it was a pink elephant I would have belived you hook, line and sinker. He did however throw me into walls when I was in the midst of a meltdown and would hit me so hard I would have bruises. And people wonder why my father and I were never close.

Your husband is a soldier. He probably understand strategy better than compassion. You do not just run into war or battle without any recon. work waving your guns and firing at random things that move. You study the situation first. You analyze it, understand it, and form a game plan.

This is also the way he should think of dealing with your son.

Your son may always have meltdowns. But the frequency and duration can be reduced with the right strategies in place. It sounds as though you are on the way to working those out. If your husband is unable or unwilling to adopt those same strategies then the best thing he can do, as already suggested, is to leave the room and let you deal with it.

In my case it was the other way around. My wife found it hard to deal with the meltdowns so she left the room and I dealt with them.