Need help, one parent in denial

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I have been pretty certain for a long time now that my son (now 8 years old) has aspergers. My husband, a well educated, normally very open minded man, is completely opposed to that thought. I have only brought up that word about 3 times in the past several years, and the discussions are not good! Recently he did agree to let him start counseling. If my son truly does have aspergers (or anything besides being a difficult child), my hope is that a professional, like his counselor will approach this subject. I work with special needs children, and my husband feels like it's easy for me to pinpoint issues and put him into a category. I do understand what he is saying, and others do not always see what I see, however, the older my son gets, the more certain I am. If someone else mentions this as a possibility, I believe he will be more apt to look into it.

Anyway, does anyone have any specific advice on what I can do, in a respectful way, to open my husband's mind to this possibility? Any specific reading material I could suggest to him? He is a great father and husband, we are just not on the same page about this.

Thank you in advance!

You are in the same boat with most of the moms that I know through the Autism Society or the therapy office! It seems like a lot of dads and grandparents and some teachers have trouble accepting Asperger's (or ADHD or HFA or OCD or ...) as a diagnosis.

I think that a lot of people really don't want to deal with uncomfortable news. Also, a lot of smart people just don't like reading very much unless it is the newspaper or something they have to read for work and are pretty uninformed about medical conditions and science in general. A lot of times, the parent in denial has undiagnosed or untreated issues of his or her own--Asperger's, bipolar, ADHD, OCD--and learning about the child's disorder and accepting it would mean having to deal with his or her own issues. Sometimes, the parent in denial has financial concerns, I think. If he or she admits something is wrong, he or she would have a moral obligation to pay for therapy.

If you are looking for moral support and sympathy, you might have to get it elsewhere. I belong to a local chapter of the Autism Society, and I can chat with the other moms about my kids' issues a lot easier than I can talk with my own family, who now semi-get that my kids have issues but don't really understand.

I think this is your answer here. Your husband may never be able to hear it coming from you, but if your son receives an official diagnosis from a professional, it will suddenly change it to "fact" and not just your opinion, and hopefully his attitude will change.

This is true. Some people need to hear it from a doctor or counselor who is not the other parent.

<<<<This!

I really believe in the genetic influence of autism, and many of us who eventually became adults struggled through years and years of being "weird," "lazy," "obstinate," etc. etc. kids. We were told by countless people that we could get better if we "just applied ourselves." Sometimes these messages get internalized, and I think some autistic adults believe that instead of acquiring skills, they finally "got the message;" this makes it even more difficult for them to understand a diagnosis. Did your spouse have a difficult childhood?

I talk about this book a lot, after having been recommended it here, but I found "All Cats Have Asperger's Syndrome" to be an excellent, gentle, non-judgmental way to introduce someone to the spectrum.

Last edited by momsparky on 03 Sep 2011, 9:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.

<<<<This!

I really believe in the genetic influence of autism, and many of us who eventually became adults struggled through years and years of being "weird," "lazy," "obstinate," etc. etc. kids. We were told by countless people that we could get better if we "just applied ourselves." Sometimes these messages get internalized, and I think some autistic adults believe that instead of acquiring skills, they finally "got the message;" this makes it even more difficult for them to understand a diagnosis. Did your spouse have a difficult childhood?

I talk about this book a lot, after having been recommended it here, but I found "All Cats Have Asperger's Syndrome" to be an excellent, gentle, non-judgmental way to introduce someone to the spectrum.[/quote]

My spouse had a terrible childhood. His mom has bad OCD. His dad had bipolar and killed himself when my husband was 9. My husband spent a year in a public facility for kids with "issues" as a young teen. He is bipolar but in denial, and I do a lot of accomodating.

I have had a lot of past health issues--selective mutism, crohn's disease, bad seizure disorder cured by surgery, mom with issues. However, I'm much better at dealing with stress than my hubby.

Thank you all. Except for a counselor, we haven't gone to anyone else about him. We shared our behavioral concerns with the counselor, but never mentioned that I think there is a problem or possible aspergers. I'm just hoping that if the counselor feels this is a concern, he will bring it up. Personally I wouldn't care if we didn't pursue an official diagnosis, as long as my husband would learn about aspergers, and join me in changing some of our parenting styles.

As far as his childhood, he had a good stable home. I was the one with the major disfunctional family.

He feels like all of the symptoms I've pointed out are within the normal range. He also doesn't want him to have a label, which I completely understand. If we ever did get one, I may not tell anyone. I just want to better understand my son, be a better mother for him, and raise him to know who he is.

Why do you suspect Asperger's?

i) Does your son have any specific traits which lead you to believe he has AS? What are they?

ii) Is your son having problems at school?

iii) Does your son have many friends? Is he able to make friends easily?

iv) What exactly are the issues which have made you seek counselling?


You are right not to worry about labels (AS or otherwise). More important is that you are able to help your son in whatever way is best for him.

I think that it is important to ask these questions and to think about whether the "aspie" really needs to be fixed if he is happy, behaves well, and is doing well at school.

That being said, I belong to a big local support group for parents with kids on the spectrum, and most of the people who write in have kids who have significant problems. I feel that a very high percentage of the parents who participate in the local Autism Society and have a child with Asperger's actually have a child with multiple issues or who is better classified as having classic autism.

Does your husband show signs of also being on the spectrum? If so, I can certainly understand why he would take exception to you pointing out things in his son that he also does and labeling them as a "syndrome" or "disability" or "deficit". If he has built up a self-image that he's basically okay and the rest of humanity is a bit odd, then the woman he should be able to trust above all others coming along and saying "no, that is not okay, there is something wrong with your son (specifically the ways that your son is like you)"...



Tell your husband exactly that. Tell him that you're trying to learn more about your son so you can deal with him better, so you can connect to him on his terms, not so you can build a case against him or put a scarlet "A" on him. And that goes for both of them.

One thing that helped us, quite by accident, was that my DH started taking then 5yo DS on a train ride on Saturdays as a little father-son outing. DH noticed how the other kids could have coherent conversations with their fathers instead of jumping from topic to topic, and concluded on his own that DS was "wired differently."

1. Here are some of my concerns: He is either happy or extremely angry, no in between. Many sensory issues(cannot sit still, spins/twirls objects, paces, jumps up and down, clicking sound with his tongue, clothes have to be just perfect, food has to be perfect temp and texture, etc etc etc), Always fighting for control, he is always right, memorizes and quotes lines form movies, stories, etc, comes across very rude and obnoxious in public,, very literal thinker. Those are off the top of my head.

2. He does not have trouble in school. He can hold himself together, but then explode at home. Often times one of the first things he tells me is about something that changed at school (supposed to have library, but had music instead). Only concerns teachers report is that he rushes through work, doesn't wait for instructions, and talks too much. We've had one issue with bullying, a very popular boy has been calling my son an idiot, and will not let him join their "club".

3. He doesn't have many friends. He has a couple of school/church friends but they are not "strong" friendships. He has always had a hard time making friends, and entering into conversations or social situations.

4. We sought out counseling to help with his explosive anger. He can be very mean to his younger siblings, always trying to control them and manipulate the play situations. He does not back down to myself or his father, must always have the last word.

Hope I answered all the questions, please share input you all have!

I'm right there with you. My husband and I have been on opposing sides for six years. Only when a 'pprofessional' confirms the things that I've been trying to explain does it get heard, and accepted as truth. The bottom line for him was that he didn't want anythnig to be 'wrong' with his little girl. I get that. Did he really think I WANTED something to be wrong with her. I'm much to realistic for that. Ignoring it won't make it go away. It took me nearly five years to get a formal diagnosis (even though she had been getting services all along for unspecified PDD-NOS). I finally convinced him with - 'If I'm wrong then a doctor will tell us that and I will shut up about it forever more." His reluctance to still go spoke quite loudly to his denial - he just didn't want to face the possible truth. And not becasue he's an Aspie. If anything, between the two of us, I'm the Aspie.

What can it hurt to find out? If there is nothing wrong, you can both rest easy. If there is something going on - you can work with it and give him the best possible chances in life. If there is nothing wrong and you ignore that inner voice - no harm done BUT he HAS to acknowledge the 'what if'. What if there is something going on - something that he can be helped with - and you DON'T get him that help...

I'd suggest finding as highly skilled a professional as you can and get that evaluation. For us, we started with a pediatric neurologist for what were obvious and undeniable coordination and strength issues. When she referred us to the developmental pediatrician for possible ADHD and Asperger's, he really couldn't deny it any more. We were talking to some of the most highly trained doctors in the country.

Good luck to you. It is a long and sometimes lonely road. Just know there are lots of us out here that know what you're going through.

Obviously I cannot give a diagnosis - BUT, your answers suggest that you should at least pursue this further because there are many indications that this may be AS.

My position is almost the reverse to yours. My wife wasn't so much in denial - but she didn't really see any problems. We later realised that she too has traits of AS. I am not for one moment suggesting this applies in the case of your husband. But if it does he may be difficult to persuade. In my case I simply took the initiative and pursued this by myself. My daughter was formally diagnosed.

This may sound harsh but I think you have to stop worrying about what your husband thinks (easier said that done I realise), and instead focus on what you think is right for your son. If your son does have AS, then the problems you have already outlined are likely to get much worse when he moves to his next school. It may become more and more difficult to 'hold it together' at school. If you have a DX you are one-step towards getting the provisions which he will need. And that can be a very long road anyway depending upon where you live.

If it is AS, the anger you see isn't really anger - it is stress/anxiety - anger is the outlet valve. The key to reducing the anxiety/stress is, amongst other things. the change of parenting style which you have already alluded to.

Your instincts are likely to be right - follow them.

I think I have a problem with the label and the usefullness of a diagnosis.

If we believe parents instincts are anything to go by then in our case we believe our son is either just on or just off the spectrum, he is five and shows some traits but does not at this stage seem to be showing any serious dehabilitating behaviour.Of course it's early we realise it might change and he's only in school weeks-starts full days today.

My problem is more philosophical...what's the big issue with having some social impairment in a society that is flawed anyway? I could list all kinds of bad experiences and behaviours from people who are NT...it is what human beings do. Now of course I know it is all down to each individual case and clearly some children/adults need support. I think the support is the main thing,if your son can be assisted by help from elsewhere what does the label matter? It's only important that your family gets the support it requires and you are as happy as you all can be.

These types of problems are complicated and as a logical person I have great problems with a label where the diagnostic criteria is not really agreed on and the labels everchanging. This is an emerging "science".

We've also already had some bad experiences going through the diagnostic process, people and processes are not perfect and it strikes me even the professionals have great difficulty in dealing with the complexities of these issues.

There may be more reasons than just denial why your husband is fighting this...

Best of luck for the future.

In some ways I would agree with you. I would never advocate pursuing a diagnosis for its own sake. Generally speaking I would only advocate pursuing a diagnosis if it means that you will get the help your child needs.

If a child has no problems/issues then a diagnosis, in my opinion, would serve no purpose. But if the problems/issues do arise then the dx is often needed to get the help required. It is very often the school years which bring any issues out into the open.

There are perhaps two other reasons:

i) getting the necessary help/provision in place can take a long time. The earlier the dx the less school years you may 'lose'.

ii) sometimes it can help the child - many kids with AS 'know' instinctively that they are 'different'. It can sometimes help/come as a relief to know that there is a reason.