I am so confused

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My son is a really good kid- always has been- much better behaved than even I am- When you would tell him not to do something- that was the rule for life and for everyone. As a baby, he didn't really make eye contact, so I used to make my head face his, catch his eyes and move up to a regular position while maintaining that eye contact. He was the youngest of 7 w/ a 7 year diff. between him and his older sibs. His father and I divorced- he remarried and he now has 2 younger sibs and 2 step sibs that do not live there. My son visits frequently there, loves his little sisters. Little kids have always liked him, even babies in stores watch him, coo at him to get his attention etc. The same w/ animals- he is the first one they go to ( as he has gotten older- he was 4 when we first got our cats, used to chase them 'til he caught them and walk around w/ one under each arm, thier legs hanging down and tell me "look, they love me"- he was never cruel, only once had a problem when he hit another kid ( he was 3) started saying words at 10 months, sentences by 13 months, counted to 18 at 17 months. Loved costumes, when he went to kindergarten, wanted to wear his suit- until 5th grad, insisted on wearing suit and or shirt w/ tie and dress pants for school picture ( and all pictures of him are stiff). He has always been called 'the little professor" Rarely argues in anger and then it is ( and always has been ) , about not understanding his feelings- last meltdown was about 2 months ago when he ( again) told me he felt different, don't tell him it's puberty it's not. He has long conversations and I mean LONG- we went to NYC- on the way home, he talked non-stop about politics- a full 8 hours in spite of me saying "Honey, I just can't hear this anymore- we have different view points" I finally got to where I asked him to tell me about the political players, my brain can follow that stuff. His converstations tend to be that way, at home he will walk into a room w/o a clue and just start talking- those are the kinds of 'rules' he just doesn't get- even when they have been laid out in black and white, it is good for that moment only. A kind of funny story- Last spring, I had the flu and told him I just needed to sleep. About an hour later, there I was, obviously sleeping when he came in, woke me up and asked if I wanted a coke or some water. That is so typical of him- right thing, wrong time- he is targeted at school by the bullies- has one good friend- nice kid and very much like my son- doesn't get the social cues AT ALL. My son hates change- always has and I have just gotten used to doing the prep work- thsi is what is going to happen, when and as best a s I can, how. He is very comfortable w/ me, eye contact w/ me is good but always, I have noticed his eye contact w/ others isn't really there until they look away- he hates being the center of attention ( but wants 1:1), hates random pictures being taken lots of stuff the whole family has chuckled at and said "well, It's just..." When he was young, he had gotten stung 4-5 X's by mud wasps at the babysitters- those things REALLY hurt- he refused to go outside, she tried to push him and called me screaming he won't go outside- he's hiding behind the couch. She and I had an argument at that point and she told me that he was 'weird, the other kids don't want to play with him - they wantto be outside and he won't go" I was angry at her but tried to get a better explianation of what she meant- she said the other kids would play when he would just join in but he sat off to the side or wanted to do something else so they didn't play with him- he prefered games, TV, books. I told her very clearly that if he really wanted to go out and play w/ them he would, he had gotten stung the day before, over there and in the same area the kids were playing again- his not wanting to go out there made sense to me at that point and I told her to let him do it in his own time, he took awhile to warm up, was cautious and watched other kids but eventually would join in or find something else to do. As he has gotten older, his discomfort has gotten more obvious- even to me
At family parties, he kind of latches onto one person for the time we are there, hates school, mostly b/c he is targeted by other kids- doesn't get math at all, hates gym- he has had a real hard time w/ sports- had a hard time learning to tie his shoes but can draw really well ( this was an interest for a couple of years - I used to laugh b/c he could draw really well but his handwriting stinks. He is a good writer when it is facts- tries to convey things by stating "Clyron was angry" when asked to elaborate, can state the reason but none of the behaviors that go with anger, none of the descriptives to convey a feeling- and that carries through to real time, real life for him ( ha, getting a clue here on something that maybe can help- if he will accept that from me- he is 14) His withdrawel, socially over the past two years is pretty pronounced- he's all about gaming, does have a couple friends in the neighborhood that are a year or two younger than he is but the older neighborhood kids don't 'have time' 'going someplace' etc or are the bullies them selves who mock, tease etc so he avoids them (smart kid) He also tells me "Mom, they are getting into things they shouldn't and I don't wantto talk about the same things they do - I won't go there" I am grateful for that b/c these are the kids that are smoking, trying alcohol, drugs etc- I definitely don't want him in those places. Lots of stuff, these are the major things I have seen and he is quite different w/ me than he is w/ other people- he trusts me and is comfortable so I don't see a lot of the same things that apparently, others have over the years. Something happened that may involve his dad- too long to get into and I am long winded enough at this point- but it definitely warrents looking into whichis what brought me to this place- My BF, wonderful man, definitely a 'manly' also sees a therapist- he is a Veteran and smart enough to see that value. He has lived here for 2+ years now and has frequently said " he's a good kid but something isn't right. He's different when you aren't around' has always complianed about my son walking into the room and just launching into a conversation etc. My BF has noticed my son makes these noises - I've only seen it when he is stressed - in the moment stressed and it, to me always looked more like a goofy way to blow off steam. BF says he does it behind closed doors and son has an elaborate dance like thing he does that I have asked him not to do as it is irritating. BF kept telling me that it still occurs, that he hears him in the bathroom and in his bedroom making those noises ( and , legitimely and b/c I am his mother, I've said :"well, he is on his game, playing with his friends' etc) I have heard the noises late at night,he is on his games- often by himself, have heard 'the dance' etc when he goes into his room. Apparently, my family has been having the discussion that my son is a little more than socially uncomfortable and shy- they just didn't include me in those converstaions and to be fair to them, when they have mentioned or asked "whats wrong w/ him- look at him" I've jumped to his defense and said leave him alone, he'll come to his own when he warms up- don't push it' ( and he usually does after he has taken a 'reading' and gotten used to it. He does not like crowds- never has- and does stand too close to those he trusts, I can't tell you the number of times I've asked him to give me walking space in stores etc That has gotten better somewhat in familiar places and w/ reminders but stiill occurs- others he gives wide berth to- real wide berth- he hates the school halls- it's not a big school or overly crowded and I get that is where some of the meanness goes on. His interests have always been pretty singular- when he draws, thats all he does- when he games, it is the whole world- football was it when he tried to play ( unsuccessfgully at least he tried) can ride his bike, feels clumsy doing it so won't- same w/ skateboard- he spent hours, days, weeks, months intense focus trying to get it=- can ride it to the end of street and do low 'ollies' w/ some success- couldn't get the hang of the little finger boards- could only get so far after at least a year of trying... OK, I am going on and on- trying to sort here- I am so confused and have asked the school for an evaluation- I know I am on the right track there- it will sort his strengths etc and tyhe least that comes out of it wil be a better picture of his skill strengths, weaknesses, learning style etc. ASnd when I have quietly watched- I have seen the same things BUT HE IS SO DIFFERENT WITH ME and the bottom line is- he is going to grow up- he is going to be his own person and I cannot/will not go to college w/ him, go to work w/him, go on dates w/ him or take whatever his 'life lessons' are away from him- One of my older kids- when he wanted a job filled out all of these applications- when they asked what days and times he was available to work, he wrote Tues. & Weds from 6-8. I kinda laughed and asked him if he was sure about that & he said 'yeah, mom- I need Mondays & Thursdays for homework and I want to hang out w/ my friends on weekends" Ok, we made copies, he put them in , came back a few weeks later and said "JEEZ, why aren't they calling me back" He figured it out himself when he reviewed the application and did get a job at 15. That really is my parenting style- behaviors and consequences are clearly laid out and the cjhoice is yours- eventually, you'll get it. Lying- unacceptable- own up to it- early on when they did something, they got the time outs for whatever- and the timer was set- if they lied about iot- the after the timeer went off the first time, it was re-set at twice the time for the lie. My older kids thank me for that and tell me it is really much easier to deal the fiorst time around and move on. It has never been a problem w/ this one- he may tell me it iis none of my business, it;'s a private thing and he'll work it out himself but he will not lie to me or anybody- I don't think he is capable of it- the world for him is and always has been, pretty black and white. I have always been an 'analogy' person and like to play w/ words-, paralells, etc and have learned to be pretty quick on snapping the 'trite' to a different spot- IE- "Think outside the box" goes to You first have to know what is in the box or give mne a box, I'll take a nap or build a space ship- I have always just used analogies- w/ my youngest, I have had to explain a lot of those things- he gets it when I explain them and I have tried to explain the dynamics of analogies-- he only gets it when it is applied to one I have explained before- jokes- limited there- more a visual thing- those ones he does get. OK, so what I am really asking here is this... Do any of you see the same kind of thing? I have always accepted this is just him, and it is him but is it that "My child is perfect' Mom thing ( and he is- he is perfectly him but I think you know what I mean. Am I jumping the gun????

I don't think you're jumping the gun to have him tested. It sounds like you are very concerned. I would also encourage a private evaluation with a neuropsychologist because they can provide a lot more information. Our insurance paid for my daughter's. I don't know what state you live in, but we went through a place called Baylor Our Children's House. You can approach your son's doctor with your concerns and then get a referrel from the doctor to a place he recommends. Sometimes it's harder to get someone qualified via the school district if they are not showing educational need (in their eyes)..but if you have a private evaluation done, you'll have backup. Also, sometimes schools go the other direction (this won't be the case with your son, I don't think) and if a kid doesn't qualify for one thing, they try to get them labeled in some other way, even if it's not entirely accurate.

Thank You- knowing there are 'next steps' IF IF iF ... helps.

You could also get information on private social skills classes in your area. We started that before my daughter's diagnosis, and she also enjoyed them. They did help a lot. I found the best one's are the one's where it was unstructured and then they would kind of let situations arise naturally and THEN intervene. She is just turning 5 though...and I'm sure social groups for the older kids are very different. Find good recommendations in your area. Whether or not your son has Aspergers, he sounds like he'd fit well with that group, so maybe ask his doctor or look online for social groups for children with Aspergers or ADHD (sometimes they put these two groups together). Sometimes they'll mix in gifted peers as well.

You're very welcome. I know how you feel...completely lost and constantly second-guessing yourself, looking to other's to see their reactions in order to decipher what's normal and what's not....thinking you're crazy, wondering if you're in denial...the constant back and forth and variability...trying to sort out these behaviors...what's the gifted aspect, what's normal kid stuff, what's going through changes in life, and what's something else entirely.

Yup, you got it- back and forth, back and forth. I have asked them to do thier jobs ( w/ request for eval) and have to wait until it's said and done That said, I also am a person who learned early on to have a BUNCH of back up plans, know the options and still be ready to expect the unexpected. I like the idea of the social groups- at 14, I don't think he would be open to that as a particular BUT- I can see him being interested in classes in the community that share his interests- it will mean a bit of travel for us but hopefully, SOMETHING will fit time restraints w/ my work ( we have to eat and pay bills etc) that will give him the opportunity to interact more w/ others- will start looking to see what is available and fits the reality of life. If it means there are days that in order to get to something and we go back to the occasional "eat this candy bar to hold you 'til later' lifestyle, that is what we go back to ( although, hopefully, knowing the schedule and only having 1 child at home VS 5 to get to different places, I will be better prepared and the stuff set aside for those nights will be there- w/ multiple kids kids in the house that NEVER happened- even the paper plates got eaten.

You could be writing about my son. Very similar things happened as he was growing up. However, here is the good news, you have a leg up because you have recognized there maybe something going on and are in the process of getting him evaluated.

I only wish I had known what Aspergers was 15 years ago. As it is, my son bumped along through public education, and it was all going fairly well, despite constant feedback from his teachers, he has ADD, which varied from year to year depending on the teacher, so I ignored it, but it was in 8th grade when he basically fell apart academically. And it was not until his junior year in High School, that a therapist told me, very bluntly, 'there is something wrong with this kid. You should get a full neurological work up".

I am sorry to say I was offended, and did not do what he recommended. Too bad because my son was under the age of 18 and I could have had him evaluated whether he wanted to be or not. I will always regret that.

I sincerely feel my son would be in a different place today, if we had realized what was going on with him back then, 15 years ago. He is now 20 years old, dropped out of community college, quit his restaurant job, and depressed.

The good news is I convinced him to go back on his anti-depressant and with the help of his psychiatrist, I hope to convince him to work with a cognitive behavioral therapist, insight therapy does nothing for him.

When he was younger we would have had much more luck with getting him on board with 'social thinking' skills (see Michelle Winner Garcia's website, she is terrific). I also feel his father and I profoundly misunderstood him when he was growing up.

Good luck on your journey, now there are many great websites on ASD, such as this one

Negotiating the public school system to get accommodations for him will probably be no picnic at the beach, but will be worth it in the long run.

It is still on my to do list to contact my son's old guidance counselor at his high school to ask her do you know what Aspergers is? She didn't have a clue as to what was going on with him then and neither did his teachers.

I have to say, you sound like a great mom, in that you've by and large parented this child from the clues he has given you, and mostly taken him as he is. That is why he is "different" around you: trust and understanding.

But you are right to wonder how it will all go when he leaves your shelter.

We did our evaluation through the school, so I probably can't be much help on options beyond that. We had a problem that manifested in the school setting, and we pushed until they gave us an answer and response we thought was adequate.

I do want to talk about the "dance" a little. This is most likely a self-calming stim and, while it is good to teach him time and place for it, you should consider it to be something he needs to do. These habits calm and center people with AS, which means that encouraging them to squash those things takes away the best coping mechanism they have. One can get through life with a little weird, but one cannot get through life melting down and having undue anxiety.

Which means I guess it does sound possible to me your son is AS. Or, if not enough to diagnose, some AS traits.

He sounds like a joy of a child. Best of luck sorting things out.

There are individuals with visual processing disorders here who might be able to help if not for the scope of the text block.