Venting about in-laws.... and feeling on the wrongplanet....

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Hi....

For some time now I haven't felt as non-neurotypical as when I registered (a couple years ago). But today I really feel living on the WrongPlanet !

My children (Aspie 8 + NT 6) are terrified to visit their grandparents who live abroad because last time they went without us and where forced to eat things they usually don't and/or amounts of food "beyond their hunger level". We are planning to go there for Christmas so I thought writing them a letter to explain how I was raised, how I raise my children and why (attachment parenting). They have frequently said they are worried I'm not "caring" enough for my children because I don't spank them when they "misbehave" and I don't force them to eat (food is such an issue for them). (I've never answered back to those attacks but know next time I will explode badly, and it's what I was trying to avoid with the letter) I also wrote that I thought that if they only saw their grandchildren for 2 weeks every year why spend them forcing them to eat. I sincerely believe they won't be affected in their health for 2 weeks of not eating enough (according to them who serve huge amounts of food, my children do know then they have eaten enough)... Not knowing how to finish the letter I sent it to my mom and sister for ideas..... they don't agree that I send "such a hurtful letter" to my in-laws, that what I wrote will destroy the weak relationship me and my children have with them... I'm not sending the letter anymore, but still can't see anything hurtful in what I wrote.... I didn't write a word about their way of raising their children and other grandchildren, didn't criticize them..... I thought I was politely asking them not to force my children to eat.... didn't even asked them to respect my parenting style....

Today I confirmed again (after a while of not accepting it?)...... I am non-neurotypical....

Monica

That is a tough one. This time you will be there, though, right? So it isn't like you can't get your way anyway. A simple, "I ask you to trust my judgement for my unique children" should suffice.

Letters like the one you wrote are wonderful releases for the author, but not so good to receive. I wrote one once, and mailed it. That second part turned out not to have been a very good idea. I thought I was just explaining myself; they thought I had overstepped my bounds trying to resolve things that just don't need resolving, and can be successfully swept under the rug. So, I've gotten better at under-rug-sweeping. "I am glad to hear that worked for you." "I'll think about it." "That isn't how I want to handle it right now." "She's fine, I don't want to push it." And just plain old silence.

Are your in-laws italian?

They have frequently said they are worried I'm not "caring" enough for my children because I don't spank them when they "misbehave" and I don't force them to eat (food is such an issue for them).

Are your mother and sister aware of these statements? I agree with keeping the family peace but not to the point of accepting abuse.

It is easy enough to address the 'spanking' issue - in the US it is illegal to hit your children as discipline. That one is out of your hands. Parents have had their children removed from their homes for continued spanking. This small fact does not put you at odds with them or their beliefs.

It would seem that your in'laws ability to respect and heed your cultural differences is limited. In this case, I think trying ot make them understand with the 'kinder, gentler' method wouldn't work but ignoring it out of hand is equally unacceptable. It is easy enough to explain that your children have digestive issues because of their medical diagnosis. The doctor said to follow this eating plan to avoid problems. Again, handing it over to a 'higher authority' seems to work much better with people fixed in their opinions.

I wouldn't outright lie but, in this case, I think finding a more simple explanation that they may be able to understand and possibly accept may help keep the peace.

(I so wouldn't be this diplomatic! Kudos to you keeping your cool!)

Thanks for all the advice....

I'm not in the US, my in-laws are from Ecuador and I even though I am latin-american too there are huge cultural differences in our families... and in our countries spanking is sadly legal and culturally accepted....

Writing the letter finally helped me feel better... I also talked with my husband he agreed to support me in setting limits with his family... they have no option but to accept our parenting style...

Thanks....