Why can't our son make friends?

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I personaly never wanted friends. I just wanted someone to lecture to about my obsessions.

My 13 year old daughter is in the same situation.Everyone comments what a lovely,caring polite girl she is.She loves music,animals,films,dancing,singing but does not have a 'special friend'.She has friends at school but never gets invited over,was left out of a recent birthday party even though everyone invited came to her party.No one returns her text messages and she has give up asking them over.She does see one friend from school now and again,she has asperger's,but we do wonder if it is because her mum and i always arrange it,if we didn't she would not see anyone outside of school.
She goes to girl guides,dancing class,steel drumming and during the summer attended drama,cheerleading and music courses,and while she made a few friends it never continues and never sees them again.In one way she is happy on her own but when she tells me about what her school friends are up to i know she feels left out and cannot understand why she's not invited.They have sleepovers,go to the cinema and shopping but never gets aked.It is heartbreaking for me and her dad.She struggles to start a conversation or to keep one going,its like she is afraid to ask a question,yet with us she talks non stop.She does tend to obsess about our animals and when a friend has come over she goes on about the animal or shows them a book she likes but cannot read the signs that they are bored and want to do something else.I have even thought of changing schools but i know it would be no different.It is very frustrating and probably worries me more than her but i know on the rare occasion she does see a friend she is so excited and really enjoys it.What is a mum to do!! !

>>What is a mum to do!! !

Probably a rhetorical question. But I'll answer anyway.

As a father who has been in exactly your position (my daughter is much older now) - I can tell you that there isn't any more that you can do. The pattern will probably continues as she grows older.

My daughter (now 22) still has very few friends. But she is happy (most of the time). She seems much more comfortable about it than she did at your daughter's age.

Difficult as it is I would resist the temptation to 'push things - it doesn't help - and can probably do harm.

Sounds similar to my son too. He is 14 and half way through being assessed for aspergers. He started secondary school last year and was really miserable because he couldn't make any friends, he's no good at banter or small talk, he just can't behave like the other boys. In fact the other boys avoid him because he makes them feel awkward. He told me this during the summer holidays.

Over the summer holidays he seemed to work out for himself that he is different, he realised that he likes routine, and really very happy to be at home on his own, doing his own thing.

This revalation has made him feel much happier. He is now getting on with his school work and doesn't seem bothered at all that he has no friends.

I suppose this is good in one way. Sad in another.

I hope things work out for you and your son.

My oldest is only five years old, so I don't have a ton of advice as a parent. BUT, reading a lot of this stuff makes me think of my Brother in Law. He really does have a lot of Aspie traits (as does my husband), and I've known him now for about 16 years. When we first met, in our late teens/early 20's, he always came off as a little aloof. He was a housemate of mine for a while in our 20's, and I remember he would head straight to his bedroom every night after work and get on the internet. Turned out, he had an internet girlfriend. The relationship went on with her for at least 5 years. My husband (boyfriend at the time!), his parents and I were all worried about him. We wanted him to get a "real" girlfriend. We wanted him to have "real" friends. I even made the mistake of calling into question to him whether or not she was being honest with him about who she was.

Somewhere in that five year period, he told my husband and I that we were his best friends. He said that he felt like making and keeping friends was "too complicated". Being an extremely social person myself, and not understanding at all what might be going on with him, I got worried that he was really depressed and called his mom about it. By the way, he is a great musician and played in lots of bands with my husband and our general circle of friends. He made many friends in the punk rock scene and still has many of them as friends today. He is accepted and loved by a lot of people.... in real life.... yet, he still chose to only interact with most of those people on a real surface level.

Ok, fast forward to the present. He's a great husband and father who is a trained/talented pastry chef. He met his wife at work... and, honestly, they're a quirky pair... But, he's totally come out of his shell. He's not a social butterfly like me, but he's confident, happy and successful. It just took him a while to get there. And, honestly, the more we (myself, my husband and my inlaws) tried to "help" the more he pushed us away!

He's not diagnosed as Aspie, but as a long time friend/sister in law and now mother of a diagnosed aspie, I feel like he shares a lot of the traits. I've learned a lot watching him make his way through all of this that will help me stay sane when my own son gets older. I just thought I'd share the story from a different perspective.... Now, talk to me in 10 years and i'll be freaking out more than I do now... I'm SURE!! I mean, I already post about being worried about my 5 year old.

@mikkibell - as you write it is rather heartbreaking. I hope your daughter (and our son) can find at least one good friend. Perhaps someone who shares your daughter's interest eg in animals? Is your daughter perhaps old enough to eg help in an animal shelter, which may be self-selecting of somewhat caring persons?

@verinda - thanks for your good wishes. Do our children want friends and are not able to make/keep them, and then effect a non-caring attitude to enable them to adjust to this? (I understand that can happen in the different context of avoidant personality disorder becoming in some situations schizoid personality disorder). I think it does depend on the child. Our son is not really unhappy; in fact I heard him laughing a lot in the shower to himself yesterday - but this is really from a base of being an extremely happy, laughing child when he was young. But his mother and I wish he could have just one good friend.

@misstippy - good to read of one aspie who came out of his shell on meeting his wife!