Daughter alone at school

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My 13 year old daughter has been coming home from school complaining of headaches,not eating her lunch and being on her own at break and lunch times.She is currently in the process of being asessed for dyspraxia and aspergers.I thought she had found some friends since being at secondary school but they are fading away as in primary school.They get bored easy of her poor social communication skills she ends up in the library on her own.She says she doesn't mind but if a friend even speaks to hear she is over the moon.We are thinking of changing schools but as my husband pointed out the problem will not go away.It's her with the'problem' not the school.I get angry because she is a very placid gentle girl who just wants a friend and out of all the children at her school no one takes the time or interest in her.Any suggestions the school are not really interested because she is quiet and well behaved but now whe is a teenager she is feeling different and left out.

She sounds a LOT like me at that age. I have moderate autism and major communication challenges to go with that.

My best advice would be to have her join a group with kids who have interests like hers. Girl Scouts, art classes, knitting group, religious groups if applicable, anything will do. For me, even if I can't participate in the conversation, at least I get to do something I like and can try to follow conversation that's about something I actually care about.

I went through the same thing at her age. Unfortunately, I found the best thing to do was just deal with it. Until I got to college that is, than it was suddenly awesome .

I am sorry about your daughter. I think everyone in this forum has being there at some point. Your husband is right: changing schools wont make the problem dissapear. Have you tried talking to her teachers to see if they can help? That made a big difference for my daughter this school year. The teacher talked to her favorite students and asked them to help my child integrate. She is in sixth grade and she is in a new school, too. SuperTrouper's advise is also very good.

See if the school has any peer to peer programs, a speech therapist that runs social skills groups, or anything similar.

Definitely get her involved in smaller group activities that will let a few kids with shared interests see her in her best element.

Walking pools or carpools are natural ways to get kids talking to and knowing each other, as well.

If she likes role playing games, see if a local hobby or game store sponsors any game nights.

And so on.

Also, getting involved with the parents might help you discover kids with shared interests that she may not be aware of, and may not have thought of trying to build a bridge with. It can also ease some of the hesitation other kids might feel, if their parents can share with them encouraging insights they have gathered from you on your daughter.

At this age you can't force the relationships or set them up, but you can identify potential connections and point her in the right direction. Not nearly as much as we'd like to do for our kids, but better than nothing.

My daughter was precisely the same at that age - and still is (age 22). She has one or two friends now. But doesn't see them regularly. I think that you will find this is true of most (not all) kids with AS.

Advice I wish someone had given me at the time:

1) You are probably more concerned about it than your daughter. My daughter tells me now that my 'trying to help' caused her more stress than not having (m)any friends.

2) You can't force it to happen

3) Shared interests are the way to go - find something she likes - find others that share that interest. If friendships come out of that - great - if not there is still the enjoyment of the shared interest.

Thanks for all your replys.She does go to girl guides and street dance which she enjoys but again no friendships come from it.She has a 'friend' at school who has aspergers and i get on well with her mum and we do organise get togethers with them but we are not sure if they really like eachother or not as they both suffer the same problems when together and when they are at school she finds it easier to respond to other kids unlike my daughter and she ends up going off with them.I know i cannot force friendships but i don't know if there is anything else i can do,a lot of theother kids make a bit of fun of her as they realise she is a bit different.

Everyone has given you great advice. It can be difficult, especially with girls. We tend to be so clicky in general, even those of us who don't mean to be, stick with who we know and can exclude others. It will take you going out and helping her get some friends.

My son is our Aspie. He has found a niche of a few friends. Mostly boys, and a couple of girls. We usually always have a friend over or he goes to a friend's house every Friday after school. It can be a pain, and sometimes I am not in the mood, but I know it is worth it to help him foster friendships. I know he will need these connections when he hits middle school.

My son gets along fine with other Aspies, but doesn't make friendships with them usually. I think there are too many hurdles to conquer between them.

Would she like drama? A drama club might get her socializing and talking and maybe help her find friends?

Another good idea might be practicing conversation at home. Also, give her ideas of lines she could use to start conversations, and what to reply in different cases. I do that with my daughter, and it has helped her. You can also ask (or pay - make sure to supervise) some family member of about her same age to practice that ability with her (because she needs practicing talking to someone her own age). But she needs to be interested in learning those skills in order to learn. I have found one of my kid's biggest problems is the way she answers. She always feels attacked, so she is very aggressive to others, so people just turn around and walk away.

I'm starting to sound like a broken record, here - but have her speech assessed. Some social problems are due to bad pragmatic speech: even if she's very verbal, she may not be successful at communicating with or understanding girls her age. In this age range, social communication develops exponentially, so kids with a deficit fall further and further behind. Your school should be able to offer both the test and the therapy (it's best in an environment that offers access to NT kids.)

I was shocked when the psychologist suggested my son needed speech therapy: he's had the best vocabulary of the kids his age for many years, and now is able to read well above his grade level (as is typical of many kids with AS.) However, his understanding of nonverbal communication and of social cues was several years behind other kids. While we did a lot of intervention with him, I personally thing pragmatic speech therapy was the biggest help. Because DS has AS, his ability to cognitively learn all these cues is amazing (almost alarming) and this year has been 100% better than last year, before we started therapy.

(That being said, groups/clubs outside of school that follow here interests are a terrific idea.)

I don't know what the answer is, but I certainly wouldn't recommend changing schools. I changed schools a lot - I am an undiagnosed adult - because I kept having such a terrible time at school and it never helped, if anything it just made things worse because as the "new girl" I was even more of an outsider. At least you know what her issues are and have access to help, so I am sure you will find a way through it together. My final change of schools was for the sixth form and there did seem to be a sea change for me at that point in my life - I guess some of my social skills "caught up" a bit (years of observation and trying different tactics must have paid off to some extent), plus I think people become a bit more tolerant of difference as they get older. I was not, and never will be, one of the "in crowd", and I don't think that's something I would even want these days, but from then on I have always had a few close friends and haven't had any serious bullying issues.

I know changing schools is not the answer but when she comes home upset and hasn't ate her lunch and tells me she has been left out yet again i don't know what to do.She had an assesment last week for dyspraxia and while she does have some difficulties the doctor agrees its more likely to be asperger's.We are waiting for her next appointment.She is having trouble sleeping and getting bored while her so called'friends' are out having fun,she has giving up texting them as they never reply.I just find it so hard that she does not have one friend who does not want to spend time with her.I know it is something i have to accept and she does do guides and dancing but again no friends.