How do I talk to my son about his Aspergers?

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How do I talk to him about his Aspergers without making him feel bad? He's been living with us for 5 months and he has never mentioned it, Never talked about it. Should I talk about it? I have tried to ask him about how his medication makes him feel, and He can communicate that with me.
Should I have him educate himself? Or leave it alone for awhile. He is 10 and in the 5th grade. He is very smart, but I'm not sure how to approach this subject or if I should.

You need to discuss it with him because by his age, he probably noticed that he is different than other kids and has come up with his own labels to try to explain that difference. My parents did not tell me about my autism until I found out in my mid 20's but I spent my life up to that point figuring that no one else could understand what it is like to be me and that I was messed up beyond recognition as a human being.

Anyway the best way to tell him is that ASD is not so much of a disability as it is a difference. There are alot of gifts that come with ASD's and that it just means that we experience the world differently that others, but doesnt mean that we are less than NT's.
Also mention there were very sucessful people with ASD.
Einstien, Edison, Jamie from mythbusters, Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, michealagelo, Just to name a few.
There is a list online of famous people with ASD. That would be good to show him.

Also explain to him that ASD comes with things that are difficult for him only because we live in a world designed by NT's...if people with ASD were the majority, then there would be less difficulties for us.

Also introduce him to wrongplanet...it did me so much good to talk with people who understood me. It felt like for once in my life, I belong.

Also be on the lookout for his gifts and help him pursue them...his gifts will give him much comfort, healing and self esteem.

other than that...welcome to wrongplanet

Jojo

Thanks!! I tell him everyday how smart he is. He has a lot of confidence issues especially on his meds. The problem I see is, He doesn't seem to CARE about anything but playing the wii and nintendo DS. Even when I do talk to him about it I don't think he will care:(

I have been struggling with this for years so I totally understand how you feel. My son will be 10 in December. In the past he has had a lot of language and anger issues, and he is fully aware of both. He has other issues too, but they are more social things and I just address those specifically as the teaching opportunities present themselves.

What I told him was that his brain has a hard time using language, that for him it's not as natural as it is for other children, and that is why he has a hard time. It's just the way it's put together. At the same time I point out the good things that come with autism, such as his intelligence and visual abilities, his determination etc. With his anger issues, it was recommended that I medicate. This is something I just started because I really didn't want to go there. He explains to me about his anger, that it's bad germs taking over his body and he can't control himself. I told him that everyone has bad germs, but he has more than most people because his brain is a little different. The medication will help reduce the amount of bad germs so he is better able to control the one's that are left and will help him behave the way he wants to behave and regain control. He is totally on board with this and he gets it and he wants the help.

While at the psychiatrist's office we had a candid conversation about him the first visit, including him of course, in order to figure out what to give him and for what exactly. Autism was mentioned, and I have always been real open about talking about it at home, but not necessarily attaching him to those conversations, in hopes that he will ask and that will be my opening, and it will give me a que as to when he is ready to talk about it. When we left the psychiatrist's office I asked him if he had any questions about anything that he heard. He said no and I left it at that. I hesitate to apply a label to him. I feel like you, that he will feel defective or bad about himself in some way if I address it like that at his age, but I do point out that some things for him are harder than most people, and others are easier, and that is because his brain structure is different from most of the world, and these differences make him unique and special, and that the positive things will allow him to do great things in his life that others won't be able to do. Autism is a 2 way street. Point out the positives, and then explain that with those positives some negatives come with it, and that is just YOU and that's OK.

You will know when the time is right. You can prep him in a subtle way and open the doors for conversations. I would let him know that he is different, but be positive about it and let the conversation flow naturally. He may get more than you think, he just may not be able to articulate it or be ready for that conversation. I think the important thing that you should focus on is that he is different, and that's not always a bad thing...and believe it!

Good Luck. I know how hard this is. There are many posts on this website about this.

Maybe it's not giving him trouble and he's happy and it doesn't matter. I'd give anything for that. My son talks to me because his lack of control and his social difficulties are making him sad, and he feels like a bad person, or that he's not likeable or he's stupid when he makes "mistakes" and he wants help desperately, and he knows I will understand and I will help him and have his back. We talk at bedtime most of the time. I've spent many hours with him sitting on the toilet telling me his problems.

My son is 10 years old too. We are in the process of getting a diagnosis. We sat down together and watched the Arthur video on youtube where a friend has Aspergers. I asked "Do you think you are anything like him?" He said "No, I don't like trains and I am not afraid of a giraffe puppet." (very literal aspie kind of answer). I asked "what about getting upset about the missing puzzle piece?" He agreed that he gets upset over things like that. I asked "Even if it is not trains, is there things you are interested in that the other kids sometimes aren't interested in talking about?" He admitted yes and gave me some examples. We used this to talk about how everyone with Aspergers has some things in common, but are really different in lots of ways. We talked about what HIS Aspergers is like how it helps him and makes life difficult sometimes. This has been a good springboard for us. I ordered some books from Amazon and hope to talk more. I think it is important for him to understand his own areas of difficulty so he can better manage himself and take responsibility for his actions.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFfAWYJGAKI

My son is very concerned with how he behaves. He tries so hard to ALWAYS be good. If he has a bad day at school it crushes him to tell me. No matter how many times I tell him that everyone has bad days he feels horrible. So I know he does care about that, Pleasing people is a big thing to him.

What's your opinion on seeing a psychiatrist? My husband and I have always thought it would be a good idea. Now that he is in our custody we are looking into it. We are all adjusting to this and feel that we can now address his needs better. He has show major improvement just by being in our stable home, which is huge for him.

I would say follow your gut but watch carefully. As has been discussed on this forum multiple times, there are good medical professionals and not so good ones. Typically I wouldn't see how talk therapy with a good psych could hurt (except possibly in your pocketbook) but if you see anything that sets off your radar, trust your instincts. Our experience has been that we have gotten A LOT of good from the Occupational Therapist that our son sees, but that it just us and our son is only 5. I could see how at 10, therapy that involves more talking, role playing, social skills education, etc would be beneficial.

I've had my son in social skills therapy with a speech pathologist for a few years and it has done wonders. I also have had good, and really bad psychologist experiences. He is in a group with a psychologist now to help with emotional control and pragmatic issues and it's really good and I think he'll be there for a long time. I would highly suggest not to take your child to someone that does not come highly recommended by someone you know. My current psychologist gets it, and if the person doesn't it can be far worse than doing nothing at all.

I TOTALLY agree to trust your instincts, ask a lot of questions and pull out at the first red flag. Our first try with a psychologist was awful, I stayed a while to "give it a good shot" and I should have trusted my instincts. I know better now.

I wish to call attention to a certain phrase.



If you discovered your son were a genius, would you have included this phrase in your question?

Probably not, because you don't think being a genius is anything to feel bad about, or something that there is any reason for someone to feel bad about. But you think having AS is something to feel bad about, or is something that there is a reason for someone to feel bad about.

Does your son even know what AS is? Probably not. As such, he likely does not associate it with anything negative.

Let me tell you about geniuses because I know a small hand full. They tend to be insecure socially. They frequently want to be accepted amongst their friends and get embarrassed when people find out how smart they are, or when their friends talk about it. They also tend to be the subject of a lot of resentment. When they are children, they frequently have a lot of expectations hoisted upon them that they can't meet, as well as struggle to be taken seriously and respected by those older than they are. They often don't have anyone to talk to about things they can speak indepth about and this can make them feel lonely....

My point is, a genius who is otherwise NT may struggle just as much as a child with AS who's not a genius.

That being said, before you speak to your son about AS I think you need to sit down and take another look at things because I think you are a looking at it from the wrong perspective.

If my child had AS (which I would actually be rather happy about), I would tell them it simply meant their brain was wired a little different and they have unique perspectives on the world. I would tell them, they probably have some strengths that others don't, but this comes at a price, namely, it makes socialization a little more difficult for them, and he may struggle with other things that come easier to others.

I would tell them, that's fine though, because neurological human variation is important, otherwise no one would think up new ideas and inventions, or be able to advance human society, and 90% of social skills can be taught anyway.

Last edited by Chronos on 20 Oct 2011, 9:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I wish to call attention to a certain phrase.

You said, and I quote:
"without making him feel bad"

If you discovered your son were a genius, would you have included this phrase in your question?

Probably not, because you don't think being a genius is anything to feel bad about, or something that there is any reason for someone to feel bad about. But you think having AS is something to feel bad about, or is something that there is a reason for someone to feel bad about.

Does your son even know what AS is? Probably not. As such, he likely does not associate it with anything negative.

Let me tell you about geniuses because I know a small hand full. They tend to be insecure socially. They frequently want to be accepted amongst their friends and get embarrassed when people find out how smart they are, or when their friends talk about it. They also tend to be the subject of a lot of resentment. When they are children, they frequently have a lot of expectations hoisted upon them that they can't meet, as well as struggle to be taken seriously and respected by those older than they are. They often don't have anyone to talk to about things they can speak indepth about and this can make them feel lonely....

My point is, a genius who is otherwise NT may struggle just as much as a child with AS who's not a genius.

That being said, before you speak to your son about AS I think you need to sit down and take another look at things because I think you are a looking at it from the wrong perspective.

If my child had AS (which I would actually be rather happy about), I would tell them it simply meant their brain was wired a little different and they have unique perspectives on the world. I would tell them, they probably have some strengths that others don't, but this comes at a price, namely, it makes socialization a little more difficult for them, and he may struggle with other things that come easier to others.

I would tell them, that's fine though, because neurological human variation is important, otherwise no one would think up new ideas and inventions, or be able to advance human society, and 90% of social skills can be taught anyway.

I totally agree with you Chronos, however I understand why a person would be concerned about how their child will take it. Mine for example, he is a glass half empty kid, takes EVERYTHING personally, is extremely sensitive and is very black and white. I can tell him until I'm blue in the face that he's special and there is nothing wrong with being different, and these are the things that AS brings that make you unique and special like your high intelligence, however he could just as easily focus on the fact that he is different, different being wrong, wrong being bad, therefore he is a bad kid because he's not like everyone else regardless of what is different about him, good or bad. For a perfectionist this could potentially go the opposite way I intend and then I have to find a way to work through that.

It's not always easy to decide what to say and when to say it and it totally depends on the child. I talk to my son about his differences and I'm lucky that he is aware of them and he's open to talk about them. I try to tell him that with difficulties come strengths, that yes, you have language issues and issues with kids, but you are the smartest, most focused kid in the class, and in baseball the coach even said you give 120% as you always do, etc. We talk, but it's never been a "lets sit down and talk about AS" kind of thing. The awareness evolved, we talked as we went along and I never really applied a label. He can come up with that himself when he's old enough to really understand that, and he will.

I just want to share a blog post on this subject that I absolutely LOVE

on being hair dryer kid in a toaster-brained world

If you discovered your son were a genius, would you have included this phrase in your question?

Probably not, because you don't think being a genius is anything to feel bad about, or something that there is any reason for someone to feel bad about. But you think having AS is something to feel bad about, or is something that there is a reason for someone to feel bad about.
[quote]

To answer you question, absolutely. He is a genius in my book, At one point I could say, "what day of the week was June 16th 2002?" In a matter of seconds he would blurt out the correct answer. Of course we only knew it was the correct answer after my husband looked at his calender on his phone! When we asked him how he did this he'd look at us like we were nuts for asking and say "I don't know I just do."

As MommyJones said. It doesn't matter how many times I tell him how proud I am of him, If I remind him to clear his dishes from the table he apologizes and asks me if I am mad at him. And no matter how many times I tell him I would never be mad about something like that, the very next time I remind him to clear his dishes, he does the same thing. He is always worried he will do things wrong, or that we are mad or that he is being bad. I do blame a lot of that on his Meds which I am trying very hard to find a better solution to. (any input would be appreciated!)

I have started our conversation about his AS by having him read up on Bill gates. I plan to have him read up on several people who have AS. Amazingly enough he hasn't felt bad. In fact he is not interested in the conversation at all. A we were talking (or should I say as I was talking about it) He interrupted me to ask if he could go play his video games!! ! VERY FRUSTRATING!

Small chunks eajmamma. Try not to have a "conversation" per say, but point things out in casual conversation. If he's reading about Bill Gates and he's interested, when he has a genius moment, tell him that sounds like something Bill Gates might be able to do or has done and then let him lead.

He'll figure it out on his own, then he'll start asking YOU questions

PM me if you want about the meds. I've just started down that road as well, but I think mine are working really well.

Well look at the bright side
there was a major medical breakthrough due to video game players...or just called "gamers"
A computer programer and scientists teamed up to create a game to decode the molecular structure of the AIDS virus.
Gamers who played the game actually decoded the AIDS virus in a matter of weeks, something that medical scientists have been trying to do for over a decade. A cure may be coming soon because of gamers.

It was an amazing feat. So dont shun the gaming. They found it can actually super stimulate parts of the brain. I never met a dumb gamer.
He loves the mental stimulation it provides. He craves it cause kids with high IQ crave constant mental stimulation otherwise they get bored easily. A bored genius can become very agitated and frustrated.
Think of him like a plant with high nitrogen needs, like corn. You have to keep supplying that nitrogen (mental stimulation) or the plant gets wilted and does not function well. His video games keep him more functional by supplying him with mental stimulation.



Jojo