discrimination???

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Personally I have aspergers, so I might be of some use here. Although I didn't read many of the previous posts.
You're right about not doing things separately. If my son started to get meltdowns in public places I wouldn't be embarrassed at all. If people have a problem with it, oh well! No offense to your husband or anything but I think it's heartless to be humiliated when your son has issues like that. One thing that DESTROYED me as a kid was listening to my mother tell me how much of an embarrassment I am when I was trying my best to be socially acceptable. Just keep in mind that if you want your kid to learn social skills, be POSITIVE about it! Positivity is the key.
If the noise is what set him off, then try going to more quiet outings with him from now on. Maybe you can ask him what he does and doesn't like about going out. Plan your outings based on his preferences, it would be the best thing for him.
Getting sent outside usually should not be a big deal though. I don't really think it was discrimination. I have no problem with my poor son having a melt down, but if it was some other kid making a racket, I know I would want them to get the hell out - mostly for the sake of my son though cause he has issues with loud noises.

Sounds like your mom had a few issues herself!

My kids (oldest with classic autism who has improved to the point of being high functioning and the younger with AS/OCD) do better in quieter environments, too. Now that they are both on meds (Prozac, which I'm now also on for anxiety) and have done work with a private ABA therapist (she has an M.A. in psychology), they are are better able to handle noisy places. However, I still try to limit things to one noisy outing a day in the morning of limited duration. I also try to avoid going to restaurants during very busy times so that my kids will have an easier time. Lots of eating out at 11:00 in the morning or 5 p.m. in the evening.

Before my son was dxd, I couldn't go on the many homeschool field trips I wanted to take my daughter to b/c my son found them boring and stressful. I was embarrassed when having to explain myself to other moms and regretted the impact on my daughter, but we stayed home. Now he is 10 and better able to tolorate them. Now that I know he has AS, I am not embarrassed to say he has AS and we are limited to what he can tolorate.

Last edited by aann on 04 Nov 2011, 3:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Still waiting, did you forget?

Work, kids. My daughter had some extractions today so she has pretty much all my attention. Can't access the forum from the computer I used at work today and haven't cracked open anything but my Blackberry since picking my daughter up.

As I said earlier, you have a rule with which you can never go wrong. I don't have a problem with it all.

Times change and the priorities of society with it. Right now the idea that you should be able to take your kids (almost) everywhere and not worry to death if they are going to cry seems to have more followers than the idea that parents can't ever let their child disturb others. When I was a child churches had baby rooms so all the noise would be confined; now-a-days many priests insist that a little crying is part of the joyful noise associated with the community experience (yeah, I never bought that, either - the priest can tell me my crying baby is welcome until he's blue in the face but I'm still the one dealing with the nasty stares of those who disagree).

The problem is, that is a gray and moveable line, varying by type of event, time of day, and local culture. You are always responsible for getting the scene under control as quickly as possible, and recognizing when the child's interests are best served by removing him. But how long "quickly as possible" is assumed to take will depend on where you are. If you are in a G rated cartoon movie surrounded by 3 year olds, few people will care if the baby cries for 5 minutes. If you are in an R rated movie, they'll think you should not be there at all. If you are at an outside table of McDonald's, you've got lots of license to deal with whinny and difficult kids; they MARKET to little ones; they want kids there. If you are in a fancy Italian restaurant, those kids had better behave near perfectly. Bakeries ... those are usually somewhere in the middle. A place people expect to be able to bring their children and get a little tolerance and understanding, but not a total free license.

In a grocery store, the variety of shoppers means you won't really get consistency from other patrons in what they expect, but picking up a few essentials and getting through a short pay line while the child cries is usually tolerated. Both because people know you probably need these items and don't have much choice, and also because you don't want your child to learn that a well timed scream is the ticket out of every place he doesn't want to be. And once your child is a toddler, they will pick up the fact that cries and screams get them removed - and they'll play it. Best practice parenting will practically require you, at times, to suck up the dirty looks and let your child know the scream isn't working. I used to apologize to the surrounding shoppers and say, "but I just don't think I can give in or he'll never learn," and they would be really supportive.

I was always checking around gauging the reactions of those around us to decide how much bad behavior could be tolerated before I had to call it quits. I didn't want to isolate my kids to the house, but I also didn't want to be where they weren't wanted. It was a constant balancing act, and the rules I applied on one day might not match exactly the ones I applied the next. I did tell my kids before we went in places what the expectations were, and they were pretty good at adapting.

Does that make any sense?

If you aren't comfortable gauging the reactions of people around you, I think sticking to the rule your mom taught you is best.
You can't go wrong.

Yes it makes sense and there are places where I be expecting screaming kids like play areas. If people can't stand screaming kids, stay away from there. I wish there still be crying rooms because then I wouldn't have to miss the movie. I also think people shouldn't be at places like in kid areas because there be kids and they better expect noisy kids. I once brought my son to the children's area in the book store to keep him away from other people when he wouldn't stop making noise and I had him play on the floor and he was quiet. So I can make other people suffer now with my child?

Me can't do wrong? I make mistakes and try and learn from them.

God maybe I should stop listening to people. Even I wasn't allowed to make noise during a children's movie when mom take us to see one.

Mom never let us run around at McDonald's either or make lot of noise. She made us all sit and eat our food and no running, butt flat on the chair, feet in front of you, arms off the table. She throw our food away if we broke any of the rules and after two times we were all well behaved. She also would explain to me how some parents don't care what their kids do and some parents are too lazy to watch their kids or do their jobs and their kids will never learn to be nice when they grow up. She also gave us rules when we go to each place.


Now restaurants are starting to ban kids and that doesn't bother me. I think it will maybe start getting parents to do their fricken jobs.

I don't see things in black and white (Okay everyone does to an extent) because I can find the gray. Of course I know there is no way I can leave the waiting room at the hospital and people should expect noisy kids there because the kid might be sick or the kid has an appointment but they shouldn't let them run around but they have play areas to keep them quiet and busy. So if the kid starts to have a tantrum or meltdown, the parent shouldn't leave or else she might not hear her child's name being called and then she misses the appointment. So f**k what the childfree people say on their forums. They are just too judgmental and don't give parents the benefit of a doubt like I always do. And hearing a baby cry for a couple of seconds ruins their meal time at a restaurant, LMAO. Seriously, that is how absurd those people are. If the parent gets up to leave, they still have a fit about those parents bringing in their baby. That is something I do not understand about those people.

I am slowly, but surely learning about how to handle my son's outbursts and melt downs. Thank you for all of your thoughts and ideas. I have learned that it's going out in public that really sets him off. We bought him a nice set of headphones and an ipod touch. We plan on using this when we go out so that he has music to listen to rather than loud restaurant talk. It's also a way for him to be distracted from his surroundings when we are out. It will help when we go to the store as well.

If anyone has any other advice or suggestions, they would be greatly appreciated. We are currently waiting to get ABA therapists in our home to help us with ideas. Thank you for any help you can provide.

Oh, and please try to understand that I am new to understanding Aspergers, the characteristics, and how to handle some of the behaviors. I am still learning. Thanks!

We've also used hoodie sweatshirts for our son (so he can pull up the hood around his face) and foam noise-reducing earplugs (for when he can't use an electronic device but needs the sound filtered or reduced.) This works well at movie theaters.

It's a process - soon, your son will be old enough to participate in figuring things out and you'll have better information to act on, too.