Will he hate me?

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I often wonder if my son will grow up to hate or resent me. He is 6yo and has Aspergers. He basically wants to do only 3 things,play his DS, play iPad or watch tv. Any and everything else he is uncooperative, complains, yells, negotiates, etc...I feel like I make him miserable by having him do schoolwork, play with toys, practice karate and piano, even playing with friends, eating, getting dressed, bathing...you get the pic.

So I feel like I am the one who forces him to do everying that he dosent like. I also play with him, tickle him, do schoolwork with him, try to have fun with him. I explain to him when he is upset about doing something why it is important for him to do, why I am trying to help him do it. etc...but I am not sure that he understands or cares.

I am also the one who disceplines, the one who redirects, the one who follows thru...my husband has no idea how to deal with my son so often he will give in and just let him play the DS to quiet him. And my son prefers his father over me already.

Any adults with aspergers who can look back now and understand why your parents pushed you so much?
I put so much effort into my son, much more then I do for his little sister, and I fear he will grow up to hate me for doing it. I just cannot let him sit and play video games all day and night. He does get video game time every day, as well as ipad time. But that isnt enough for him he would do it all day!

You need to have your husband in alignment with your tactics. Your husband needs to learn (like you did) even if it means counseling etc. You're doing the right thing and need your husband's support. In no way should your son get the message that his attempts to do only as he pleases is going to work or he will keep fighting you indefinitely. If it only works "sometimes" he will still rebel because it worked sometimes. It's almost confusing for him to have two sets of possible rules.

I think you're a good mother. You're not always going to be able to be his "friend" because that's not your main job. I do not believe he will hate you for it.

Perhaps you could compromise.

I would have hated to be forced to practice piano, also, and I have little interest in team sports that some parents think are so great for everyone. Therefore, I'm glad that my parents pretty much let me do what I wanted instead of forcing "appropriate" interests on me.

However, there may very well be some things that your son would enjoy other than piano, karate, computer, video games, and TV. (My kids use the computer and TV heavily for educational purposes, I love the computer, and we have a lot of educational computer games, so I'm definitely not anti-technology, by the way.)

What about reading? What about arts and crafts with your child? Golf lessons? Swimming? What about kids' classes for art, science, or computer game development? What about play dates with kids with common interests from school, church, or your local Autism Society? Trips together to the museum? What about looking online or inquiring at your son's school about various classes and groups that might be more appealing for you both?

Here, there are free magazines that you can pick up at local restaurants and daycares that describe local kids' activities, and there are various websites that post activities for kids online.

He actually LOVES piano, he can play classical music...he just has transition issues and getting him to do ANYTHING is torture! Once he is playing he has a blast. His special interest used to be the piano. It has all different buttons and effects, he woudl sit there for hours. I LOVED that special interest. he also LOVES Karate class. he has a blast, the sensie's are wonderful to him and he is all smiles and laughs when there. It is just getting him to practice. We make a game of it, he teaches me, we play card games, I make it fun. Its just getting him to begin a task.

he is in a TON of programs, groups, he takes swim, a social skills gym class, another social group, bowling, (he likes bowling mainly for the snack) but once he is there he has fun. He has playdates (I usually have to bribe him to play by telling him he wil get to play the DS if he plays nice with his friends.

he absolutely HATES any sort of arts and crafts and sports of any kind. We doread,but again he is reading cause I am making him read. We pick books about topics he likes, like classical composers,math, etc...

But its TORTURE to get him to comply. I have to use his games as rewards. He wants to get the next belt ranks in karate, he has to PRACTICE. He wants to play songs on piano he has to practice. I cannot let him sit on the couch watching tv or playing mario brothers all day long. Weekends are more lax I give him more game and ipad time...but Ijust feel like a nag and I know if he had it his way he would be playing DS from morning till night.

I do need to get DH on board more, that is for sure. He has NO IDEA how to handle our son. it would be huge if he was consistant with Jaden as well.

I think that using the video games as a reward, only using it at certain times of the day, or setting time limits is a good idea.

My kids are not always great with transitions, so I know how that goes.

I think that letting him choose what to read about is a good idea, too. I would also be sure that whatever books are read are on his correct reading level and have illustrations if he is a visual learner. (I know of several parents who try to push their kids too hard to read grade-level books when they are not reading on grade-level or who try to limit picture books because their kid is too old for these books.)

Another thing that may be going on may be that you are a lot more extraverted than your son. Someone who is more introverted (like most on the spectrum, to my knowledge, as well as many people not on the spectrum), will be tired out by too many outings with a bunch of people, while someone who is extraverted gets stressed out if they have to spend too much time at home.

Extraverts relax by hanging out with others; introverts relax by doing things alone or with one or two close friends or family members.

I think that you can work with someone to be more socially confident and skilled, but you are not going to totally change his or her preference.

I have a couple of little introverts myself, and I have a whole lot of educational books, toys, educational programs, etc., at home. They prefer to look at things on family outings--kid-friendly museums, zoo, walks in the park, shop for books, etc.

I always have to bring things for my kids to do whenever we go visit relatives because they have stuff for kids to do, but it is stuff that usually requires them to play with each other, do pretend, or play unstructured sport activities outside. They just end up watching videos if I don't bring a lot things that they like for them to do at home.

Last edited by blondeambition on 15 Jan 2012, 11:30 am, edited 1 time in total.

The thing that I have told my son is this: if I'm pushing him on something, it is because I honestly believe he is up to it. If I'm calling that wrong, we should discuss it after the situation has passed.

But I read him pretty well, it turns out. And kids will be kids, not always wanting to do at that moment what they are supposed to be doing.

Make sure the schedule isn't too full (most AS Kids need extra down time), and give well paced reminders about upcoming transitions (timers can work well, so they know how long they have to wrap up the current activity).

The big offender in our house for complaining is my NT daughter. Listen to her as the moments happen and I'm the worst mother ever. But outside of those moments she admits it is all just words, and she knows her life would be worse if I took her complaints seriously, and she thinks I'm the best mother ever. That girl can really make your head spin.

It is good to constantly re-think the schedule, and be sure it is what the one unique child needs and enjoys, and not what your pre-conceived notions want for the child, or something the community around you has sold you on. It really helps you get through those crazy moments if you have confidence in your choices.

As for what happens when they grow up, I've seen it come out both ways on these forums. It very much depends on the individual and how well the parents managed to figure that individual out. The classic, "know your child," is high up on the list.

Can't get started/shifting - that's what stands out in your message to me. We have this in our house too Sometimes I get overloaded with the arguing and constant negotiating. I think the negotiating is the worst, because it is so very hard to just tune out.

Have you tried using visual strategies for the shifting? Our son (9) is very time oriented, so this summer we started using modified countdown strips (each activity was listed on the strip along with an attached length of time), and once all the boxes were checked off, it led to a reinforcement (computer time). We would also set a timer or use the time timer on our ipod so that he could identify how much time he had left. This brought some concreteness to the task. Wasn't always successful, but it definitely made a difference.

They are now using a visual schedule at school for my son, where he sits down with his TA at the beginning of the day and they fill in all the slots (complete with times attached) as to what activities will be occurring that day. So, he knows from 9:30 to 9:50 is spelling time, and he gets to choose whether he is going to do work on his spelling workbook, do spelling on the computer, play word games (on paper) or play word games with a friend (scrabble tiles). [he only gets two of those options presented to him, they change it up all the time].

The visual schedule has made a huge difference in reducing the task avoidance and work refusal at school. Huge. They have also started doing more peer partner work with him, versus the teacher or adult trying to instruct. He is more willing to do the work if a peer is sitting next to him, and he can then work on his social skills as well. Win - Win.

Not sure if it will help you or not, but wanted to let you know about our experience.

Keep in mind that he is only six years old. He might also be used to playing his DS, his iPad or watch T.V., because he does it regularly. It might be a little established routine of his.

My suggestion would be to get your husband on board with you, and change up his schedule where it isn't overwhelming. Set some time limits on when he needs to do the things he needs to, and when he can goof off. Make a chart if you have to.

Don't give up, this is a step in the right direction for him.

Some of that's just-- kids. Kid being kid, amplified by kid being Aspie. It's harder on you than it is on the kid. Given a bit of moderation, I seriously doubt he'll hate you for it in the end.

He will between now and the end-- kid being kid, amplified by kid being Aspie.

Have a talk with Hubby. There's a good chance that he does nothing because he doesn't know what to do-- kid had to get that AS from somewhere. Teach him-- very patiently, one thing at a time, starting very small. "Honey, I need your help. I am drowning. You're smart and wonderful-- I know you can do this."

Because kids-- even (or maybe especially!) Aspie kids-- aren't stupid. They want what they want, and if they can play one end against the other, or both ends against the middle, and get more of it, they will. Terrible for them?? Maybe, maybe not. Terrible for you?? Uh, YEAH.

Final caution (not saying you're doing it, this is just me being an Aspie). Teach him to be functional-- to optimize his own functioning. Don't try to teach him to be "normal." I have to keep telling myself this with myself-- trying to teach an Aspie not to act like an Aspie makes about as much sense as trying to teach a cat to act like a dog.

Certainly not saying let him get away with living in his own little world. That's a bloody mistake-- one, if I could change the past, I would wish people hadn't made with me. Just-- don't run to the other extreme. Find a middle of the road, pick your battles, prioritize, all those other good cliches.

I'll shut up before I really piss you off.

Good luck with Hubby. Hug yourself-- nobody gets it perfect, and you're probably doing OK.

I just have to chime in with the get your husband on the same page with you theme. You can say that the rule about playing video games is X but if the child sees that the rule is X when he's with you but its Z when he is with Dad then there really is no rule at all. You just can't expect compliance from the child if rules are not enforced consistently. This is true with any kids but I think, from my experience anyway, the effect of failure to be consistent is magnified for Aspies. My 8 yo NT son seems to understand when I make an exception to the rule for him in a certain situation but if I am not consistently consistent with 5yo ASD son I pay for it. He will hound me incessantly about something that I let him do one time. It can seem so much easier in the moment to just give in but if it is something important that needs to be followed, important enough to make a rule about it, then consistency pays off in the end!

Thanks, I am not pissed off at all! I appreciate everyones input. I DONT want my kid to be normal. I exactly want him to be able to make it in the world. I want him to be able to accept rules, consequences, and be able to have a job/family..etc. Some of my FAV things about my son are Asperger related.

I do need to get DH on board. I dont quite know how...

Can't you just let him figure out that if he doesn't practice, then he won't get better? If he really wants it, that should be his reward--a self made one, not a start on a chart. If he loves it so much like you say, then let him enjoy it.

You sound like you're smarter than the average bear.

You will figure out a way. Think on it a while.

Meantime, you're doing your best. Parenting's a b***h and a blessing, because if you make an effort you are guaranteed both to succeed and to fail.

We really need the upside-down smiley around here.

I agree. I think hubby is a closet aspie which is why you cant just tell him to get his act together and support you.
You need to give him specific dirrections about HOW he can support you.
However the fact that daddy is such a softy and mommy is the rule maker sets him up for behavior problems.
You guys need to be unified and consistant, because he is learning that he can wear out daddy and gets what he wants.
Kids arn't born manipulators, they learn how to manipulate when parents are inconsistant and not unified.
It goes like this If he wines like a stuck pig and dad gives up and lets him play on his ipod...then he learns that he can get what he wants by whining like a stuck pig...each time that daddy gives up only reinforces the behavior to further solidify it as a problem solver in his mind.
He will soon learn that if he can get mom and dad fighting over him that he gets to do what he wants too.

As far as transition issues go, I have those problems myself. So much is hard for me to do because the transition just unnerves me.
However like some of the wise mothers here suggested...you should give him warnings even timers for each transition. I know that if someone warns me ahead of time, so I can prepare my mind for the change...it goes alot smoother.

back to consistancy, in abnormal psychology classes, I learned that inconsistant parrenting not only teaches kids how to manipulate, but can set the stage for conduct disorder by their early teens, which on top of AS can make your home life a living hell. He may not seem like it, but he is at the moldable stage of his life...the problem with his manipulation are easy to fix now compaired to a few years from now.

As far as hating you, as long as you try to be the best mother you can be....he will know you love him and in the end thats all that matters.

I hated my mom when I was teen cause she was the tough one of the parents,but as I got older I realized how much she tried and we are now best friends as adults.

Jojo

I think you are doing a wonderful job with your Aspie! I too have a 6 yr old that falls somewhere on the spectrum (leaning more toward Aspie), and he does not have near the interests your son does. My son does not have any friends and really does not have any special talents or things that he is very interested in. It is a chore for us to get him interested in anything. We too have to bribe him and reward him with things to get him to do preferred things. My son's special interest is car makes and models. We let him look cars up on the computer as a reward. But I can't allow him to do that all day---

As parents, it is our job to help our children adapt to the world as best we can. There has to be limits to things. I think your plan of allowing him to do it more on weekends or using it as a reward for completing other tasks is a good approach.

I completely understand your frustrations with your husband. My husband prefers to let me handle things as well, and sometimes I can feel a bit overwhelmed. But someone has to take the lead, because you can't let your son just do as he pleases all of the time.

Well, good luck and I can feel your pain, but I think you are doing a pretty good job, and I don't think you should worry too much about your son hating you. It sounds like you put in alot of quality time with him.

Yes, I can and did that for a while. And he wasnt progressing as he wanted to and would complain. My kid just dosent get that relationship...practice=advancement and lack of practice = slow advancement. He doesnt see that pic at all. I get him to practice by making a game of it. And he will do it, it isnt just karate practice. It is eating, dressing, showering, I cant let him not do these things. he complains about EVERYTHING!! ! Everyting except video gamesor ipad or TV.