Brother never told about his diagnosis

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A wonderful friend who's son has Asperger's put me on to this site.

I have a brother with Asperger's, although I only just found out about his diagnosis this week. He is 28 years old, and has never been told about his diagnosis. When he was a kid we were all told he had ADHD (which he has dismissed, he does not "believe" in ADHD). He was diagnosed with Asperger's when he was a young child, but our parents decided not to tell anyone about it.

The reason I found out is because I've read quite a bit about Asperger's due to the fact I have a step-daughter diagnosed with PDD-NOS, MMR and ADHD. The more I read, the more I felt like Asperger's might be a fit for my brother. I suggested it to my father, and he finally told me the truth (about 20 years later!).

This diagnosis isn't a surprise, but it is something that I am now processing, and wondering what it means for his future. My biggest question is that I wonder if maybe my brother needs to be told, and how. It might explain a lot for him. But then again, he might reject it.

Has anyone had this experience? I can't imagine he is the only one.

Thanks so much!

I don't have experience with that, but I disagree with your parents for lying to you about it. Welcome to WP.

People - especially adults - have the right to know their own medical conditions (emotional, mental, perceptual, and physical).

You, as his sister, have the right to tell him.

I would tell him, were I in your situation.

That's truly shocking, I was told from a very young age about my aspergers.

I agree that it would be best if he was told,you should probably discuss the idea of telling him with your parents first instead of telling him outright yourself.

My parent never told me about my ADD or other stuff I was diagnosed with. Mom did tell me at age eight I couldn't talk when I was little and I had hearing loss due to lot of ear infections. But yet mom told me I had AS and then anxiety and depression.

Thanks, yes I agree. I do think he has a right to know, but I can't imagine how to deliver the news.... ? I suppose kindly, compassionately, and hopefully with an arsenal of information to share with him too.

A common suggestion when trying to tell someone about AS is to start leaving some popular books on AS lying around where they might pick them up and browse them. This has been used when adult children suspect a parent could be AS, and when AS adults are trying to tell their parents about their diagnosis, so it could be a start with your brother. If he sees and comments on the book, you might get the first clue as to how he might deal with the information, and that would guide where to go from there.

Maybe try talk to him about your stepdaughter and kind of go on a brain dump about the ASD spectrum; esp the stuff you think specifically applies to him and then gauge the reaction.

You are kind of in a difficult spot because you have information that will help him understand himself better, yet it might also piss him off (for awhile, at least) and make him defensive. I would proceed cautiously, but leave a proverbial line of breadcrumbs. If he is receptive, you will have an easy in. If not, it may take some time.

I agree it would probably benefit him to know. HOW to tell him and if you are going to let your parents be a part of that is the tricky thing. No one in his adult life has mentioned Aspergers? No teachers or doctors? How is he getting along at 28? Is he indapendent? Does he have a jo, family, etc...?

Good luck, please let us know what you decide.

I havent yet told my 6yo he has Aspergers, but I plan to with another year or so of maturity.

Tell him. I didn't know my diagnosis until I was 25 but I always knew I wasn't "normal". I'm unaware of any reasons for nondisclosure, and it would have saved me endless years of searching and a demolished self esteem.

I wish I would have known that I had Aspergers when I was younger, it would have made a world of difference in my life!

Wow, thank you for all your stories and suggestions. I really appreciate them. Yes, we have tried sharing books and info with him... and he isn't interested. So I imagine that he will not be open.

My brother is not independent. He lives at home with our dad, and has been completely dependent on him for the last 18 months. He has lived independently on and off, but he always seems to end up back at home. He has worked intermittently, but seems to have difficulty keeping (and now getting) a job.

He is a wonderful person, highly intelligent, but socially he does have some challenges. Not with forming friendships and being a part of community, but more so in terms of what may be expected of him (such as, following his boss's instructions, rather than ignoring them and doing something different because he feels his way is better... and it might be... but it isn't what has been asked of him, so he tends to lose his jobs that way). He has had only a couple of longer term intimate relationships, but sadly nothing lasting.

He was told he had ADHD, but he dismissed that as a "non" diagnosis. He thinks it is just a way for the pharmaceutical industry to peddle drugs to kids. He is caught up in "conspiracy" theory like nobody's business, and has an appetite for hallucinogenic drugs (and anything that removes him from reality) in large quantities.

Knowing my brother, I don't think he is going to take kindly to his diagnosis. It is most likely that he will dismiss it as nonsense. I am preparing to get some advice from a therapist who specializes in ASD and get more information from there. It has been left unsaid this long, I think it's best to get as much information as I can first, since a few days or weeks will not make much difference.

Finally, I really appreciate the validation to share this info with him. I can't imagine how hard it will be to hear, but I also think that deep down it will make sense for him and that eventually he will be more accepting and understanding of it. I hope he can find some support within the AS community and use the knowledge to his advantage.