Son V Family

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My son shows all the classic signs of aspergers. He has misophonia inability to maintain eye contact has frequent meltdowns suffers from anxiety and depression and is highly highly intelligent. Since birth he has had a knack for leaving a trainwreck in his wake wherever he goes. There have been countless incidents where he has for instance shamed me in front of colleagues caused arguments and gotten himself into impossible trouble with authority.
He's 21 now and he has never had a relationship of even the one nighter variety a job or even a good lasting platonic friendship. He's hurting and anyone can see that. He became addicted to painkillers a few years back and ended up botching up his alevels then he did the same with the first year of uni. Now that he's back we've just lost all patience for him. I believe that he uses tears and his emotions to manipulate us. Sometimes we argue and I cannot engage with some of the highly charged issues. I end up driving him towards meltdown by reflecting questions, changing the subject,ignoring him,bringing up issues from the past etc. Wrong I know but it helps me to cope.
If you asked me exactly what it is about him that I just cant deal with id say its having to haul around a deadsack while we struggle with work life and our own issues (we had very abusive childhoods). I admit that ive kicked him when he's down many a time. For instance once he was in meltdown and was asking me "why are you doing this to me" I just could not find any empathy for him though. Im not perfect but bottom line he has never had to live on the streets or go hungry. I have done things to him that are probably wrong - i've probably fed into his dysmorphia by picking on his appearance in anger and ive even been quite physically agressive at times but he really was and is a difficult person to have around.
The main issue we have now is his sound sensitivity which is triggered by his brother's singing. His brother refuses to stop singing and my other son appears to suffer quite acutely. His brother sings almost constantly and as a result they hate each other fiercely. I will not allow my older son to dictate the rules - its not his house, im really only holding it together for the youngest one, but still what should we do?
We're literally ashamed to show our face in public - I suppose its karmic. We do cause him a helluva lot of pain, but all three of us ultimately just want him out. Were burnt to the bone if you will. Its tough when I havent seen my son's face in months because he's so dysmorphic that he covers his face entirely in the house. Its tough when every day presents new financial woe and we have a useless eater ensconced in our house. I can see that on one hand i've become as abusvie as my parents just in a different way. On the other hand im not sure how else to deal with him.
We're a lower middle class family and my son had got into contact with a woman in whom he had confided and who supported him. The way I see it such a woman would never be interested in my son. The class difference and even the racial difference (she's swedish while we're latino) mean that there's no way she feels anything but contempt for him. I told him so in less tactful terms. The same day I accused him of being a psycopath of harming me behind my back and of being a zoophile. What frightens me is that I was completely straight faced at the time. I cant justify it by attributing it to passion. I beleive part of me really wants to hurt him to get revenge.

Have to rethink my response.

He needs time apart frm every1 hes havin problems with urself included, it will do world of good, u are bitter and angry no doubt and so is he but dnt kick him ou he will nevr wont forgive , u shud go 2 counselin for a yr and so should he and den eventually counselling together. I am 23 and was in a similar situation t ur son. I am nw living alone i havent spoke 2 my immediete family for 2-3 yrs nw. Icould go in 2 a lot of details bu, il leave it t u to ask questions if u want. Send me a pm (private message) if u wana ask me anytin cuz i tend 2 forget dat i wrote anytin up.

I think you need family therapy...

I am very lucky to have both a child psychologist I'm friends with, and a music therapist who works with disabled children. They are both friends of mine.

One day I was describing a scene in which I had gotten overly angry because my daughter was being so "stubborn". My friend the music therapist was listening and said to me, "That sounds like it was really difficult, but was she being stubborn? Or was she being rigid?" Well, rigid is a sympom of the disorder. She was trying in a very subtle and kind way to remind me that the person I live with has a disorder and isn't trying to be stubborn or a pain in the butt.

The dangerous thing here is....people on the spectrum really do need extra support. We're in a situation with a student right now who I believe is WAY on the spectrum, but his mom doesn't want him "labeled" so she won't have him diagnosed. Well...I think you pay for this now...or you pay later.

Children on the spectrum need help developing their skills and interests if they are going to be successful. That's a lot of positives from the parents and caretakers...it doesn't sound like he's gotten a lot of that at home...and indeed you all may need support in changing the way you do business together. Since it doesn't seem like he's gotten what he needs as a child...he's not very functional at this point.

All that said, I understand where you are coming from. At times I've had my own meltdowns. And we've learned when to signal that we need to not be together for a bit...one of us needs a break (I generally go out of the house for a walk and let her know I need to take a break). It's very hard. It's a work in progress at my house....but our "fights" never got better until I invited someone in to help us. Once I did...I...and even she, could recognize that there's a line that shouldn't get crossed, and for me as the adult, I'm the one who needs to see that.

Please get some help for all of you.

I think that your son needs a lot of therapy to help him deal with your abusive parenting. As for you, at least you are admitting that you have been an abusive parent, but your son is only 21, and there is still a long road in your relationship with him, so maybe you can seek some help for yourself too. I don't think that you should give up on yourself as a parent or on your son. If he does have ASD, then you have probably been misunderstanding him his entire life, so that is bound to have severe consequences for his behavior and your relationship with him.

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