My Little Brother

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I am not a parent. But it is only me, my mum and my little brother aged 15, and I have always looked after him. I moved away to england for university last year and ever since then my little brother has gotten a lot worse. I keep in touch with my mum and she has told me he:-

Refuses to go to school, and hes a big boy now so my mum cannot physically get him out of bed anymore.
Is starting to become violent towards my mum if he is bored or cannot get his way.
Sits in his room in the dark playing computer games.
Is extremely musically talented on the piano and had reached grade 3 and now has given it up.

Both me and my mum are very worried about him and his future.

Any help would be most appreciated.
Thank you.

Hi. I am new to the forum myself, but saw your mail and wanted to reply. Firstly, I really applaud your concern and willingness to reach out for help. My own son has AS and is almost 13, so I can somewhat relate. Somewhere between 13 and your brother's 15 is that horrid time of puberty. AS is hard enough, but it sounds like your brother is adding the usual teenage hormones and anger to the mix. My wife and I are not looking forward to that time for our son.

The violence is the worse thing I read in your post. When we have successes with our son around this, its usually by setting very strong limits and by not backing down. AS people seem most comfortable in structure, hard and firm rules that seldom change. Even if they complain and try and break the rules (as all teens do), structure is still what they need. I suggest you mum has a zero tolerance policy toward violence towards her. VERY TOUGH LOVE. Maybe you have an Uncle or another male figure (or maybe you when you come home some weekend) who sets its clear that no violence is tolerated. take away things that are meaningful to a teen, like spending money, cell phones, etc. He earns them back or earns spending money for a week with controlled expression of anger, not violence. Perhaps get him into martial arts or other sports where he can act out anger in a safe environment and limit outbursts to then.

Good luck with it. Has your mum joined a forum like this? Maybe she can ask people just like her for some tips. Plus she won't feel as alone.

i assume because you're on this forum that your brother has aspergers....sounds like he's very, very depressed. try to get him to a doc asap

I have to somewhat disagree with the above person. While you obviously have to make it clear violence is not tolerated, you should also look more for the causes. I highly doubt he wants to get violent, God knows I never did (that goes for you to film, I am sorry but I hate NTs saying what aspies want/need). Many aspies just have uncontrollable breakdowns, you start taking things away that he likes yes he will try to control them better but at what cost? Sounds like the computer would probably be first to go in her mothers eyes, that would cause him to be bored and angry and fume about being bored and angry because you have little else to do, not a really good idea.

It is possible if not probable that he is getting abused at school by his peers, would you want to go to where you were tourtured (no I am not being melodramatic) every single day, probably not. Sadly being a youth he has no real choice not to go get hurt every day so it is up to your mom and you to try protecting him. I have no clue what form that would take, you probably first need to figure out what exactally is the problem, I would suggest you get some teachers you and he trust to help you out with that. Ask them to watch him a little more and see if there seems to be any one thing bothering him or any time he seems more upset then others.

Lastly two more things, while he shouldn't quit the piano you don't forget how to play it ever so just wait that out, chances are if he starts feelings better emotionally he will want to play it again. Making him play it now can end up very very very badly. And what is so wrong with him constantly playing video games in the dark in his room. I am going to go out on a limb here and say he doesn't have many/any friends, what would you do if you didn't? If its the dark thing that bothers you, thats probably just where he sensually feels best so once again who cares?
Endersdragon

PS feel free to PM me either of you, I am the UOPHA but I can help siblings too.

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I agree with Ster about seeing a psychiatrist soon as possible. If he is 15, your Mom definately won't be able to manage on her own and will need help to turn things around. Also, he must feel awful, so the sooner he starts getting help the better.
And I think you sound very caring. He probably misses you a lot. But it is very important you don't feel guilty or responsible for the situation your brother is in.

I wish I had found this site sooner. You are all very kind in helping me out.

Endersdragon you bring up a lot of valid points. My mum has confiscated his computer games in the past as punishment and honestly yes it has lead him to be completely frustrated and lashing out at others. Although I think its fair to say that no child should go without some dicipline in his/her life. Its just hard to punish him when sometimes I know its not his fault.

My Mum has told me that recently he is getting bullied quite badly but I feel that is not the root of why he is not going to school as he has never been keen on going ever since he was young. I know its horrible to send him to a place he feels is like torture but I just want him to get an education. He believes he will go to college to do computer game programming but the grades required are nowhere near what he is getting at the moment and he refuses to do any schoolwork. I dont want to be hard on him but I have no idea how to motivate him.

He has three or so friends that have been around since he was young but now as they are growing up they are starting to branch out and make new friends and going to school discos. But when they call around he is terrified and never ventures outside in case someone will see him. He has very little human contact and I am worried that paranoia is getting the better of him.

I know he feels being in his dark room playing video games is a safe haven and cant think of anything he'd like more. But he feels that he can stay that way forever. Thats not life. I just want him to see what else is out there before he digs a hole so big he cant get out of it.

again, please...he sounds very depressed...you shuold really get him to a competent doc

Of course I think that some outside help would be very useful for him. But psychiatrists will not see anyone without their consent and he refuses to see them. And the last thing I want to do is get him into the mental health system.

i beg to differ....you can absolutely have a psychiatrist see him, as he's underage. i hate to sound confrontational, but would you rather that he sit in his room in the dark & upset ????
yes, i know the mental health system has it's drawbacks...but so does suicide...my son was deeply depressed and suicidal~i know the signs....i think you may be taking this too lightly.

I dont know wat its like in New England but in Ireland a psychiatrist cannot see a patient without the patients consent. The only way to do it without his consent is to have a mental health official intervene and once you are in the mental health system you cannot get out. Every job he applys to, every backround check done on him, this will come up and label him as having mental health issues.
I will never let that happen.

bojangles~ i'm sorry to hear it's that way where you are.....there is nothing wrong with seeking help from a mental health provider. there will always be people out there that feel the only people who seek help are "crazy", as my own parents say....
i prefer to look at it as being a proactive solution to a dilemma.

Seems like he's having loads of problems to me, try to find the root of why he's not going to school and if he doesn't get support then that may be why, also i think it would help if he had a friend with aspergers who he can talk to, i'd be happy to help as i'm 14 and i live in the glorious uk, yay lol. And finally does he know that he has aspergers because if he doesn't then i think it's time to tell him.