At the End of My Rope!

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Ok, My son has had straight A's and B's all school yr except for a few weeks when we changed his meds, they slipped a little. His meds seem to be working wonderfully, but the last few weeks he has had such an attitude! I understand that this happens with kids his age(11 almost 12) but it's much harder since he has AS and ADHD to discipline him. he has been grounded the last week. and by grounded I mean he lost is toys games, outside time. everything. We have to go that far because he can have fun for hours sitting in a corner twiddling his thumbs!

The last 4 weeks he has really been rude to his teachers, intentionally ignoring them, and refusing to do his work in school. He is very capable of doing his work but if he can get someone to do it for him, or help him, he is glad to let them. He is lazy. But if it's something he wants to do, look out!

So I guess I am asking for suggestions, for me for his dad, teachers and whoever else. How can we get him to care about this stuff. how do we motivate him to WANT to work. We really don't know what else to do.

Also, he has a behavioral aid, I feel that she isn't doing anything for him. All they do is play bored games. shouldn't she be doing more with him? We are new to all of this so we don't know what we are doing. Thanks in advance!

What did he do that resulted in him being completely grounded for a week? What is he allowed to do while grounded? What meds is he on and how much? Has he said why his attitude is poor?

What medications is he on, some medications can have negative side effects that might contribute to such behavior...also I would talk to him about it, see what his perspective is on why he is behaving that way since normally kids don't up and start acting like that for no reason in most cases.

He has been refusing to work in school, has had multiple "homework slips" Meaning he has not finished his homework. He has lied about having his homework done.

Since he is grounded he has had so much homework to do, he hasn't been able to do much. But this weekend we went swimming as a family and he of course was able to do that. But he gets no game time, and lost his transformer toys.

When I talk to him about it he says he wants to have a better day. but then he continues to make poor choices. Then he will tell his teachers he doesn't care if he is grounded. He even laughed today and told his aid he wasn't going to get his transformers back.

6 weeks ago, he was a wonderful student. Worked hard, focused, tried hard and study harder. I was always saying "we need to study for my test" and he was motivated. he has slowly gone down hill and we don't know why.

He is on Vyvanse. It had worked wonders for him and still seems to, its just his attitude.

There is probably something going on with him, but you will not find out what it is if you and your son are adversaries. Maybe it would help to try to show concern and sympathy, say you want to help, etc.--keep it calm. He may be depressed or upset about something that he doesn't think that he can talk to you about. He could be acting out instead of asking for help.

Well there has to be some reason for it...and maybe harsh punishments for every slip up isn't the best idea. not to be critical but if he's feeling misunderstood or depressed he might take things more personally. But he might open up a bit more about whats going on if you really make an effort to show some concern and such.

We went through something similar and at the same age. We did not have the attitude, the aide nor the ADHD, but did get the lying and failing grades from just not doing work. We pulled my ds' iPod over and over again. He'd get the grades up get it back. We'd pull it again and again for weeks on end. It was a roller coaster that went on for 3 1/2 years. I was tearing my hair out. I stopped his music lessons saying it was a privilege and not a right. Nothing worked. He finally matured on his own in the last year and now has excellent grades in high school and does his work on his own. He finally understands that poor grades equals poorer future college choices. It has been one hell of a battle to get here. I wish I could say it was something I did rather than time and growth in maturity, but I think the latter is what did it.

I was was finally able to put two and two together just in the last week or so about why it was occurring. My ds was not diagnosed until Jan. of this year. It fit into the areas of interest under ASD. Ds was not interested in the subjects. He simply would not/did not do things he was not interested in. It was as simple as that. He did not see the relevance or point of doing it. No matter how much we cajoled or coerced him it didn't matter. You, however, have a couple of things going for you. Your ds has an aide. Have you talked directly to her? Have you worked on strategies together? Is your son using a planner? If he isn't, he should. It should have all assignments written in it and be signed on a daily basis by teacher(s). That way you can verify what you ds should be doing and whether or not he is. The aide can and should verify whether or not the info is accurate (something we didn't have the luxury of). You said your ds likes games. Use them as a reward rather than banishing them completely. So many homework pages, etc done and he gets to play something for 20 minutes or play with his Transformers for a short time. Give him an incentive to do his school work. Use a timer for when that play time is done. When the timer goes off, the games go away and he goes back to his work.

Best of luck with this. I know all too well how frustrating it is.

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We do use rewards, when he has his grades up and gets his homework done, he is allowed to play games as he pleases(within a reasonable time limit) and besides doing his chores nightly, he has lots of free time in which he loves to ride his bike, swim etc. If he starts to slip, we will limit the game time. Once he gets his homework done, then he may play. But all of this and he just keeps slipping down hill. I talk to him all the time about what he is feeling, why he is acting out. he has counslers to help, and it just seems like nothing is working! We don't yell at him, but do tell him we are disappointed, I make a very big deal when he does a good job or works hard on something. I have talk to his aid and we have a meeting next week so we can all be on the same page with this. I just don't know what to do to help him!

You may want to think about how many of the messages we're getting here are also getting to him:

I can't help but wonder if this is what we're hearing, if it's what he's hearing too. If it is, hearing that kind of thing isn't helping, and if he's on the spectrum will do nothing but alienate him from you.

First of all, "nothing is working," reveals something. It reveals that you've tried everything you KNOW of that you believe OUGHT to work, and none of it is. If this is true, you may want to consider that "nothing works" isn't really true, but only that nothing you've tried so far is working.

Second, if he's getting all these negative messages from you, stop. Stop saying these things to him. Never assume your child is lying unless you know for certain what's going on in his mind. A person who tells an untruth isn't necessarily lying, and assuming an ASD child is lying when in reality what they are saying is true in their own mind, can be very damaging you your relationship with him.

I heard a speech year ago entitled, "The Problem is not the Problem." The point of the speech was that what we perceive to be a problem isn't the true cause of the problem. That dealing only with what we see as the obvious problem doesn't get to the core of what actually causes these problems, and that by ignoring the actual causes, we're just playing "whack-a-mole" or putting out fires without ever addressing the REAL problem, which in the case of ASD children is usually our lack of understanding of ASD's and the people who have them.

ASD children do not think like other children. They process virtually EVERYTHING in their own way. They have their own unique perspectives too. If you don't understand either of them, nothing you do in situations like this will help.

This is precisely why I say that if you're calling him lazy, stop. If you're assuming what you see as refusal is refusal, and not an internal, sometimes temporary, inability, stop thinking of it as refusal. Just because he's performed well in the past, does NOT mean he can right now. ASD and ADHD kids (all three of mine are both), are not consistent about anything. YES, they do tend to do much better with topics they are interested it, but that does NOT mean it's because they are that way intentionally. Saying things like "But we know you can do this, because you've been doing it" (or you've done it before) isn't helpful at all if the truth is, right now, they just CAN'T, and have no idea why.

I do not mean to be harsh on you, because I have been through ALL of this myself multiple times.

To you, right now, "the problem" is that he's slipping with school work and doesn't appear to care. The REAL problem is, however, you don't understand your son. I say that with as much empathy as I can manage (I'm on the spectrum with ADD too), because even though I grew up with the same conditions as my own kids, I didn't understand them either, and even reacted in much the same way you are reacting now.

Since I only just finished offering practically the same advice to another parent here with similar issues, I'm not going to retype them all here, but here's a link to the thread I replied to. Some of what's there hopefully will help. You are operating under certain paradigms (some of the same ones I did at first), some of which simply do not apply with ASD or ADHD kids. Here's the link:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt195159.html

The issues in that thread are different, but the overall principles I offered there apply to all issues, no matter what they are.

The really important thing about those principles are not about solving immediate problems. They're about changing paradigms that don't work, and about long term affects resulting from either doing or not doing it.

This is about your child. It's about his life and his long term success. It's not about you (just as I had to learn it wasn't about me and smoothing over my daily life). It's not about the panic you're experiencing right now. That will pass eventually. The affects on him from being misunderstood/understood will have long term affects.

It sounds to me like you need to learn a lot more about ASD's, and try to see, if you can, what life looks like through your son's eyes and mind.

I'm sorry if this sounds blunt or harsh. I have had Asperger Syndrome and ADHD all of my life. I heard a lot of the same things you're saying about your son. I watched my own parents go through the same thing you are right now, many times over. Their reactions were almost the same, and none of that helped either. They though, never knew I had AS or ADHD. They thought I was just lazy and stubborn. They also thought I lied all the time (and you know what? I eventually DID start lying to them. Why bother being truthful when your own parents don't believe you?).

Final thought: On the lying. You may have good reason to say he's lying, and I'm not saying he isn't. I don't have all the facts. I wrote a blog entry a few years back on the topic of Asperger's and Lying. It's pretty long, but it may be worth the read. Here it is for what it's worth:

http://www.dailystrength.org/people/138 ... al/1417709

If you're looking for quick fixes or simple answers, there aren't any. ASD's and ADHD are both life long learning experiences for both those who have them and their parents. Neither a walk in the park or a hideous curse, but they both present steep learning curves. All you have to do is commit to the long haul, and be willing to think very differently than you may ever have before.

By the way. I can probably offer some insight into the following:

The direct answer to the question is yes, eventually. What she's doing is very a very typical strategy for people working with ASD kids. She's getting to know him and how he ticks. How he thinks, and what his perceptions are. Game playing is a very good way to learn those things. She's getting inside his head, most likely talking a lot to him while they play. This is a very important first step in a long process that will hopefully, eventually lead to coming up with better strategies to find ways to engage him better with school work. Our kids all went through this with their aids, and it helped a great deal.

You should probably try something similar. If you choose to try this, the best game to attempt this with is called Apples to Apples. It's a card game specifically designed to help people in general anticipate what other people would answer to certain questions. It's about "getting inside other people's heads."

You may not be seeing any immediate results from what she's doing if all you're looking for is better grades. You have to look deeper than that. It's not about grades yet. It's about her getting to know him, and later will be about helping him to know himself as well as others and how they think. If you think of it that way, it's less likely to sound like he's being rewarded for not working. What she's doing isn't about rewards. It's all about thought processes.

My son did a year of intensive therapy, much of which involved board games - it seems like playing, but board games in particular play to many of the deficits kids on the spectrum have: they're primarily a social interaction involving lots of nonverbal communication, they are inherently unpredictable and thus a challenge for kids with rigidity issues, and they involve managing space and sitting still for kids with sensory issues. They can be a very useful tool for both determining specific deficits and also for addressing them if you have an aide who knows what they are doing.

Have you tried writing up a family contract? My son struggles with understanding that we all must contribute to the family in some way: he perceives that the things we do are "automatic" and the things we want him to do are all "extra." We have tried to re-frame our family for him as a team, and that we have our contribution to the team, and he has his contribution. This sometimes helps him to understand that he has to do things he thinks are unnecessary or that he dislikes.

Another thing to keep in mind - between about 8 1/2 and 12 years old, NT kids go through huge leaps in language development. Kids on the spectrum who were previously able to keep up sometimes suddenly fall behind, and become bewildered and frustrated as kids who formerly were their friends start dismissing them as "weird" or "strange." Bullying can happen as a result, too. This can play out in all kinds of other areas of their life, as they don't necessarily have words to express what's going on.