Need Help With 22 Year Old Son

Post Reply New Topic

My son does this too - says yeah I know how to do that dad in a sarcastic tone - but he really doesn't. I point this out to him and also tell him I hate sarcasm, and he is getting a little better.

My son is not too dissimilar to your son, although he is 17 and still at school (and I would like to keep him an extra year at school).

I would be really concerned about the suicidal signs. I guess the issue there might be that he is having real problems underneath, and perhaps does not feel he can really communicate? Could be signs of attention seeking in the way he did it, but I believe any suicidal indications need to be taken very seriously.

Can you try and get into some real communication with your son? I have major difficulties communicating with my son. I did find going on walks with the dog and making my son stick by me and talk with me worked some. In your case, can you take the talk beyond sports and politics, to try and understand his real issue - with you making it clear you are being non-judgmental and just want to help. It is taking me a while but I think my son is getting the idea I want to help and am not just into criticising him.

I was interested to see the comments against joining a support group on this thread, because it seemed to me that being with others in a similar boat would be helpful to my son. There is an asperger support group about five minutes walk from our house and they meet Saturday afternoons, but my son couldn't wait to leave when we made him attend. Problem is - he has no friends otherwise.

I can see it is going to be a huge job getting my son to make the transition to the real working world. I really liked the idea of volunteer groups for your son, as a sort of practice for the real world. I have my own business so am intending to make my son work here doing some basic administration, which will pay him a little and get him used to a work environment.

Best of luck with your son.

Why should he change and try to do things for himself if he doesn't have to? He's got it made, and there's no reason to go to work.

Thats what needs to change.

I wouldn't do it without any warning but I would tell him that it's time to start pulling his own weight around there. Tell him that he's 22, and he can start paying rent and buying anything he needs other than food and medical care. Telll him that he has a month to find a job, any job, and you will base the rent on his salary. Also give him chores to do and make sure he does them instead of rent until he gets a job. Tell him that if he doesn't get a job within a month or two that he's gotta go.

That way he knows whats coming and can prepare for it. Meanwhile, give him chores to do which contribute to the household. More than cutting the grass once a week or washing the dishes a few nights a week. He's got to learn that he's going to have to put forth an effort.

If he doesn't have a job at the end of maybe two or three months, you should kick him out. He will probably go to a friends house or something, but he will see that you are serious. Even if he is homeless for a day or two or even a week, he will see you mean business and you can let him come back with the condition that he does find a job.

That kind of behavior isn't just an aspie thing, it's a whole lot of kids his age thing. Lots of kids that my kids know, all NT's, are at home in their early to mid twenties with no jobs, etc. Parents of my generation just let them stay. I let my oldest stay until he decided to move in with his gf when he was 20. He didn't have a job at the time, but had worked before as a roofer and laying carpet and floors. But when he got tired of it he didn't work and he didn't pay us squat. We should have done like I'm advising you, and will with our other son when he gets older. For some reason, it's different to me with daughters. Although my 17yo son is seriously considering quitting school (he's still in 9th grade) and moving in with a friend of his who is also 17 and just quit school and got a job working at the mines (this friend was still in 8th grade - they are both NT's and of at least average intelligence, nothings wrong with them they are just lazy about school work). I'd like him to stay home until he's 18 but it's really up to him.

Good luck.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

OP based on the fact homelessness really does not help the majority of mentally ill/disordered people change their lives around or better cope with their symptoms/ improve upon them and in fact can increase their stress leading to worse symptoms and problems. I'd certainly be very careful about the kicking him out thing...........and if your other son had similar issues and you tried it and it failed like you said that's even more of a reason not to try it again.

And as a 22 year old I have to say if my mom kicked me out because my symptoms are interfering with my ability to function and I can't 'get a job.' I don't know if i'd want anything to do with her anymore. So unless he really is able to function well and is just being lazy, I'd say sending him out on the streets is a very bad idea.........I mean if he has friends sure he could stay with them, but what if he doesn't?

I'm lucky my mother would never kick me out. People have told her she should because of my age and because I'm not working. If she did I'd be screwed because I'd have no where to go except a homeless shelter if I could stand to be around the people there or even be able to ask to stay there. If having to agree to get a job got me back in the house I'd just say I would and then not do it until I was kicked out again.

Edit: When I was 20 I tried to move out on my own when I got some money but even then I couldn't bring myself to look for and get a job and got kicked out and went back home. Now I don't feel any desire to move out and plan to live with my mother the rest of her life.

could be his attitude change (you said it times up with a new environment?) is due to the fact that he has suddenly noticed - or likely had it pointed out by someone who he respects, who has no reason to belittle him - that he is different. That something he does is different.

For a VERY long time in my life, I was ignorant of the fact that I often come across as angry to people, even when I'm not. Not even a year ago a nurse asked me to describe why I had been fired from my last job... About halfway through the tale she stopped me and said "do you realize you are yelling at me?" ... I respected this person, and she had no reason to make it up; I had no reason nor feelings of anger towards her, if anything I admired her.

I began to reevaluate all the times in my life where someone has said this to me and I simply put it off as "they're just being an arse"... and it lead me to realize IM different, THEY saw what they said they saw, and thus weren't "just being arses". I've seriously changed since that / way more concerned about everything I do now, and how I come off to people:

Coming to the realization that you are THAT seriously different that people REALLY dont get you? Changes alot inside, and likely changes the outside too. Just my 2 cents.

Yes Oddfiction that was a helpful comment. My son frequently comes across as quite grumpy even when I am being completely reasonable. Once his NT sister had to point out to him that I was defending him when he thought I was attacking him. Once at a meeting with the dean examining whether he should enter a trades school he put his face down on the desk as if he were going to sleep. I wonder if he realises how he is presenting himself!

Another one here who find that comment enlightening and helpful, Oddfiction. I have often said to my daughter 'why are you looking so grumpy/furious/ bad tempered and she she has said ' I'm not!', and been genuinely surprised. I so hope she can get a similar level of self awareness as you seem to developed in that area. (I hope that's not patronising cause I don't mean it to be)

Kicking my son out is really not an option I'd ever consider. As I noted, we tried that with my then over 50 year old brother several years ago. It did nothing but make me feel horribly guilty.

You are right- there are a lot of kids not on the spectrum who are my son's age that live at home and don't work or go to school. However, I know all too well just how bad the job market is. He does look for work, but he isn't exactly proficient at it, and resents people helping him too much. This past week, he had job interviews two days in a row. He went to the first one, but the next day he came back and gave us the same excuse he has before- he "couldn't find it." He doesn't go that many places, so if he isn't familiar with a place, he has difficulty finding it, even with detailed directions.

It is very hard dealing with the situation. He doesn't want to be told he has aspergers, or anything else, and resents us trying to help him too much. On the other hand, he has developed quite a dependent personality, which is largely our fault. So it's really a fine line to walk. He has a lot of good qualities, but the social awkwardness makes them hard to see.

I do appreciate all the comments and suggestions. Please keep them coming. It's great to have advice from people who have aspies or are dealing with it first hand.

I have a young child, so keep that in mind.

.I don't know if your son is Aspie. I think he needs a real diagnosis. There is something, and I cannot for the life of me remember the name, but is is for a seemingly lack of emotions (It begins with an "A" I think.) I do not know much about that either, obviously. It may be a combination of things.

I do think he is depressed. I agree with the suggestion for giving him structure, even if it "fun" structure. That will help with the depression, if nothing else. He does need purpose.

As far as the girlfriend thing, I would not encourage that at all. I understand why he feels he needs one, but he has other things he needs to work on, first. His self esteem needs to come from inside, not from having a girlfriend. Also, he isn't going to even know how to handle a complex relationship in the state he is in now. He needs more self esteem first, I think.

Edited to edit incomplete sentence I thought I finished

I love this new series on Autism Talk TV - if your son finds the video helpful, you may be able to talk him into social skills classes:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/article434.html

Update-

My son has now been working for almost two months. Five days a week, six hours a day. It is probably only going to be a temporary position, for 90 days. The pay is minimal, but I'm very proud of him for sticking to it. What's amazing is that so far he hasn't really tried to miss a day of work. With his last job, he frequently would not want to go, and make up really flimsy reasons. So, I'm taking this as a positive sign.

His birthday was yesterday, so now he's 23. It's still a struggle at times, because he can often be overbearing, gets very impatient if we don't answer him right away, and has started a new quirk, where he taps you with his hand an instant after he says something, to make sure we're paying attention. The relationship with his little sister has improved a little bit, I think.

He remains keenly interested in sports and politics. Still only the one long time friend, and no girl friends. He has expressed an interest, once he saves up the money from work, to pursuing a certificate program to become a fitness trainer. I will try to encourage him, and hope he follows through on that, as I think it would be perfect for him.

I only skimmed the first page, so my apologies if I am repeating. I do agree with Steven Tyler77 about the possible ADHD. A lot of what your son is experiencing sounds an awful lot like me. When I was a kid, my room was a constant wreck and no matter what my parents did, it never improved. My mom just thought I was lazy, but once we started to understand neurological difference better after my kids were diagnosed, my mom totally recognized that I had ADD (what I call ADHD-PI...I did not have hyperactivity, though I am fidgety) as a kid and no one knew it. Of course, I still have it, but now I know it. She said that I used to tell her that I "didn't know how" to clean my room and she assumed I was just trying to get out of it. The reality was, I was probably having problems with initiation and organization and perhaps if she would have made the task more structured, I would have been able to do it. I also failed miserably in my first attempt at college. I just couldn't keep my act together. However, when I was in the military--a much more structured environment--I excelled when I went back to college. In fact, I graduated with honors and distinction, completing my bachelors in 4.5 years while on active duty. I know a friend who's entire life course changed when she got a personal coach who went through her entire life with her and set up structure and routine. She is now a very successful professional.

I think the change in your son's behavior since graduating may hint at his need for more structure. I imagine in HS, his life was more structured and he knew what to expect. Transitioning to college is tough, especially when no one realizes that a new structure needs to be developed and put into place.

I could be wrong, but I see inability to initiate all over your post. It is not laziness. It has nothing to do with motivation. It is due to frontal lobe dysfunction. He may need to "borrow your frontal lobe" as my kids' neuro puts it, to get him started on certain things. He may need more help structuring things. Again, I could be wrong, but this is how I read it. Also, with college you should see if they have anyone on staff who specializes in working with young adults with learning disabilities. Strategies may need to be developed and implemented to help your son be successful, but you should keep in mind, too, that he may need a few years of maturing to be ready. I think that my first go at college was also a failure partly due to the fact that I wasn't "ready" yet. People with both ADHD and ASD can tend to lag behind their peers in maturity, so while some people may be ready at 18, I wasn't really ready until 22.