Tips for pressured single parent

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Well it's around 3.45am here now and I am struggling to keep up with my workload in a one man sole advisory business, as well as looking after my son.

I normally work from about 9am to 9pm at my business weekdays and work on one weekend day. I have little time for myself. Like now sometimes I have to stay up very late. Chores each weekday (eg cooking, washing, cleaning, taking the dog for a walk, making my son's lunch for school) take at least a couple of hours when I come back from work.

My (ASD diagnosed) teenage son while improving takes up a lot of extra unnecessary time. For example I have to check every single day that he has put the key back, and he leaves a mess all around which takes time to sort out (eg he rarely puts away his opened tuna cans, I found rotting food in his room yesterday, he has been doing special effects for a movie for one of his course -his special interest, although it is a minor part of the course and will only be for a few weeks in July- and has been spraying food colouring all over the walls and making stains on the carpet, he does ring me regularly at work but does not give me specifics as to his homework so there is a lot of time liaising with his teachers etc. His schoolbag and work area at home are an absolute mess. We have a dog but my son is not good at all at taking the dog for walks - the dog is big and he has not learned to control him. He is always going into my bedroom and taking things eg for his movie or whatever.

He takes things like the breadknife (which he broke for his movie), the broom (which he broke I suppose for his movie), nail scissors. It takes time to find or fix these things. He steals his lunch food so I have to waste time hiding it away in different places. I have told him not to do these things hundreds of times but he rarely listens.

Anyone got any tips to make things easier?

I do pay my son pocketmoney for doing chores eg vacuuming, sweeping the deck, cleaning the car inside etc. I have also been getting him to do his own washing. He does those chores, although not too well. With washing he has to be constantly reminded. Still, on balance him doing chores does save me some time.

He does make some attempt to clean up the mess from spraying food colouring over the walls, but it is not a good effort.

He is getting better at doing homework and sometimes does quite well with that. He has been fairly good about reading a text I have set him (Philip Pullman's Northern Lights).

He used to do cooking about one night a week but I think that just adds more time for me as he makes a mess and puts unwashed pots back in the drawer etc.

Sometimes he gets up himself on time in the mornings but I can see I will need to show him how to set his alarm etc, as he is not consistent with this - although he is now attending school regularly again.

The school wanted him to be independent about doing his own homework but have now given up and left it to me to liaise with the teachers.

I have fined my NT daughter for untidiness but that will not work with my son as he has no real conception of money (he just spends all his pocketmoney on takeaway food and fizzy drinks).

He does follow routines I have set for him, at least to a degree, but in general does not listen to my injunctions to put things away after use, to keep things tidy, not to go into my room etc etc.

I could get him to start making his lunches I suppose, but it is rather a struggle to see how I can get him to not unnecessarily take up my time. I stress and stress the cardinal rule of putting things away after use, but it just goes in one ear and out the other.

Anybody (especially in a similar situation) got any suggestions or tips? Thanks

Nobody in the same boat? (Or maybe those who are are too busy to respond - ha ha)

I just wanted you to know, I read your post a couple of times, but I don't have any good advice to offer. My DS is 11 and I don't have those issues with him, and I truly hope puberty does not change this too much.

I don't think it has to be the way you describe it, but I am also not sure how you would change it either.

It sounds very tiring and my heart goes out to you.

I think you are in an extremely difficult situation. What you need most are more hours in a day and I have no idea how to get that for you. Is there anyway to cut back with the business?

After that, all you can do is pick your battles. Decide what the most important single issue is, and focus on that. One issue at a time.

Anything you can let slide to make life easier - let it slide, and to hell with how anyone else would feel about it.

I don't know if I have followed all your posts, but I do have a few suggestions:

Do you think you would have some success if you were to post clear signs/directions in those areas where your son needs to follow-up himself. For example, a large hook with a sign that says "KEYS" , a sign for the steps for clean-up in the kitchen ("Canned tuna tin->garbage bin", "Plates->Sink", etc.), and so on? It seems elementary, but I know for my daughter, these signs helped guide her...it took awhile, but eventually when she got the idea, we removed the signs and it seemed like second nature. It also did well for her self-esteem. I no longer felt like "the Nag" and could just point, wordlessly, to the sign with a little smile to give her the hint. The message my daughter processed through this was that I was on her side - I wanted to help her become more self-sufficient. Sometimes, I think, children only hear the negative ("Why haven't you done X, Y, or Z?" ) and don't process all the kinder requests we may have. It gets hard to make nice requests when you have said the same thing 10 times within an hour!

It sounds like your son has a creative imagination and is trying to express himself with his movie-making. Would you be able to use that to your advantage? Maybe sit with him and ask what kind of movies he is looking to create and make a "tool box" for him with props, idea books, etc. But tell him that what you would like for him to do is access the movie-making kit after one or two things you would really like him to do get done. Maybe that's his homework...or cleaning up his schoolwork area. Make sure you don't give him a long list - just one or two things you would really like for him to work on at the moment. Do you think that it would work if his movie-making kit had excellent props (not ones he had to fashion out of your tools!), that perhaps you helped him fashion or bought? I think the key may be for him to think of as many of the things he may need for his movies ahead of time, so that he 1.doesn't spend time hunting around the house for them, thus wasting time he could be spending on something more productive to you 2. he doesn't access things he shouldn't, which would require repair or replacement.

On that note, it sounds like he needs a "safe" room, one room in which he can create. Is there a small section of your home that could be his studio of sorts? Experiments (such as the food-coloring one) could be done here, provided that they are safe. Maybe he could think of it as his sanctuary...his bedroom would be for sleep and homework, but this would be his creative space. At least you would only have to monitor one area, as opposed to the whole house.

Things I don't want my children to access I put in the car I don't know if that's a good idea or not for you, but sometimes it removes the stress trying to find a good "hiding spot". If I have the key, it's like a giant safe...(helpful for birthday presents!).

@DW_a_mom

Yes I think that is the real problem - not enough time. Part of the problem is that I am away until nearly 10pm every weekday evening and so my son is usually left to his own devices at home from 4pm this then - about six hours each evening. When I come back I am cooking meals etc and it is too late for my son to come on the dogwalk which would provide an opportunity to talk so all I usually do is a cursory check of his homework. I can't cut back on my work, otherwise the whole edifice will come tumbling down. Although a professional I am not well paid, so can't afford support there either (although my daughter does some work there and eventually my son will work there too). I do let a few things slide - eg the house is not as tidy as I'd want etc. My son's academic work with the greater stability now his mom has gone (and I think his taking on board warnings from me that unless he does not overtax me the home will need to be sold and that could even mean he had to move in back with his mom) has improved somewhat, but an option to oversee him might be to get him to come in to the office from say 7-9pmish say 3 times a week so I can at least ensure he is getting onto his homework. Travelling into town and back could waste up to an hour though so I would prefer it if we can avoid that. I could also use his invalids benefit to get eg a university student to tutor him in his homework - however as regards to getting access to the teachers I am having a battle with the dean of his year who is a difficult person to deal with and behaves being somewhat obstructive, as obviously I need to know exactly what homework he needs to do (-my son is very good at generalisations in this regard) and it will not work to get a tutor in when we don't know what homework needs to be done.

@audball - thank you for taking the time to give suggestions.

As regards the written signs there is some merit in that, although it has not worked too well to date. When his mom left I put up signs eg in the bathroom saying the towels need to be carefully put back on the heated towel rail. It has led to some improvement but probably proper compliance only 1/3 of the time. Some other signs led to an even much lower compliance rate. But I think it is worth trying this out. I can relate to exactly what you say about being a nagger. When I come back from work in the evenings I generally see tens of things that my son has done wrong. Even though I only raise a few of those, he reacts negatively to the nagging. There is not time to do much except nagging before it is time for him to go to bed - which is not a good situation. I do make efforts to say "you have been doing well in this but ..." but that still does not work well. I suppose a concern I have is that I do not see any real signs that my son is trying to deal with my concerns - eg a written list by him or whatever - wonder if he can't conceptualise something like that. With autistic kids what can seem glaring obvious to the NT parent may not be so to the kid. I will add some signs today though and see how we go!

Yes he has had a real interest in movie making from time to time, although without parental help he does not have the organisational skills or friend support to really make anything. For instance sometimes he goes over and over doing fairly similar looking storyboards, instead of finalising that and then moving on to what else needs doing. It is kinda silly; last weekend there was a major 24 hour movie making competition in our city with many hundreds of entrants - that would objectively have been an ideal opportunity for a schoolboy and his friends to spend 24 hours trying to come up with something good. But he did not mention it and I only saw about it when it was too late.

Making a short 3 minute movie is a small (2 week) part of his media studies course, but it clearly seemed the most important part of all his courses to him, and he was spending a great deal of time working on it - and making messes into the bargain! Unfortunately he is not overly communicative to me or anyone. so rarely discusses his movies with me. He did mention that he wanted a gorilla mask for the movie, so I spent an hour finding where I could source one - then he said he did not need it after all. He had also asked about where he could find an industrial area with a lot of pipes, so I also spent an hour or two trying to find somewhere suitable - but then again he has not seemed to follow that up. Even though this is his area of interest he does not seem to have any really coherent idea about the whole movie and what needs to be done to make it happen. (When he was about ten I spent a lot of time making a movie with him - it wasn't bad, but that happened because of the parental input). He has made various props and shot some of his current movie - but this past weekend seems to have dropped all that and is just playing video games.

You are probably right that I should spend time with him and discuss the movie, perhaps work with him on the organisational steps needed. Making a list will be a good idea. A major problem with all this is time - as obviously to do this properly would take time. He may also jib at the idea of me taking too much of a role with this, saying he wants to do it himself. I could try for a half way house, eg saying he has to make a list of all the things he needs and any steps needed to access those items, and then I could review that. I might try that.

As regards a special place for making messes that might be a good idea - I think that would however have to be outside on the deck or in his bedroom (which has a wood floor and the walls are now a bit messy anyway!) as both our shed and wash/too area under the house are too full. The problem will be whether he actually follows those instructions. As I have said eg I have told him not to come into my bedroom unless there is a good reason, but he continues to do that every day, messes up the bed I think by rough-housing with the dog on it, and then eg a day or so back took my prescription glasses, bent the frame and left them on the sofa where the dog might have got them.

The car sounds a good place to hide his lunches. It sounds like you have the same problems as me. My son must go scouring the whole house when I am away, opening drawers and leaving them open and upsetting the order of things, while he searches for those lunch items. But he doesn't have his licence yet, so the car is a good place to stash them!

Thank you for that and your other suggestions!

Audball, awesome advice!

I am doing it on my own as well and my son is 8 and is very difficult for me to manage. Among other things, some of the life skills you talk about are the hardest part.

Venting paragraph:
We give children tasks and teach them to clean up, etc.. So that one day they can do these things independently. Many typical children will just follow your example, or they will get it right after you have taught them the importance, and usually they just accept the things we tell them to do because we told them to. But since our children are not typical and in many cases do not perform these tasks well just because we told them to, we have to come up with these out of the box approaches.....and when you finally find something that works, it's temporary relief because it eventually stops working and then you're back at the beginning! I mean I just want him to WANT to bathe, to WANT to clean up tuna cans and keep up with his key.. Sigh...

Why so difficult?:
I think our kids often do not view these things as important, easy, sensible, or maybe they just aren't comfortable with the method because we're teaching them the NT way. Maybe we should just be patient and it will come eventually or naturally. Or maybe they don't have to really clean up the tuna cans because we will. My son just has to endure a lecture but in the end I clean it up, I wash him, I tie his shoes and so on and so on... Gotta work on that.

Conclusions:
Because of the reasons above, we have to try new approaches all of the time, over and over. And we have to coach ourselves on not getting upset about that because things don't always go as we plan. Just because it seems like my son should be doing certain things by now, doesn't mean he will or can, just because I want his room or clothes a certain way that I find Appropriate doesn't mean that is really the only appropriate way, it's just the appropriate way from my perspective. So I have to find a happy medium, something that will connect the dots from my agenda to his. Also, we have to prioritize. I mean there was a point where brushing his teeth and putting clothes on each day were ALL I cared about, because it took so much time and energy out of both of us just to do that. CLEAN clothes? Didn't care. Toothpaste? Negotiable. Seriously sometimes you have to just let things go and get back to basics...sometimes really basic. Then like audball said, work on improving one thing at a time.

The only advice in this long reply:
Not sure if you've read temple grandins: aspergers and autism, the way I see it. It's a great view on teaching our kids and empowering them to become independent. And my other advice would just be to breathe....meditate.....MAKE time for yourself and for relax time or else you're no good to anyone. EVEN if that means you let the house cleaning go for that week. If you have to have a yard sale to get money for babysitter, then do it! If you have plenty of money, get a sitter that also cleans, so when you get back from your golfing or fishing, or weekend at the beach whatever, the house is also clean! Good luck!

Oh, you said something I wanted more detail on if you don't mind sharing. You said that your son steals his lunch food and you have to hide it away. What is the context of this type of situation? Is he just hungry or do you have food issues??

No problem. He does not have any particular serious food issues eg anorexia, bulimia etc if that is what you mean. He always had the typical ASD food quirks eg it was hell to make him eat his greens, and even now as a teen it is a real job to make him eat the few greens he will tolerate (broccoli, leeks). He does not like his foods to be mixed up (although he tolerates this more now). He loves junk food, fizzy drinks. (There are real issues; when he was about the age of your child my wife made him eat a full meal and he just threw it up).When I make him lunch I put in one item of fruit (eg apple) which he never eats, one cheese sandwich no butter which he eats half the time, small pack of chips which he eats most of the time and small mars or other chocolate bars which he almost always eats. Those are the items he goes looking around the house for, as well as fizzy drinks.

In regards to your prior post, that is of course the frustration of the ASD child, a seeming lack of common-sense. My NT daughter with some Aspie traits self corrects eg when she found herself drinking too many energy drinks she just stopped except as a treat once a week. I tell my son over and over again (thousands of times) that he needs to have a mixture of food groups and if he is just eating chocolate, chips and fizzy drinks he will actually be starving his body of essential nutrients. But the lure of the taste of these processed foods just seems to shut his mind to this commonsense advice, and to my injunctions not to steal the food.

As regards your ideas to take a break, that is not really feasible. (Several have suggested my taking on help at work; I can't afford it). The position is not quite at breaking point. My son does get a benefit, although still at school (! !) but that only gets used for his needs. Similarly my daughter gets the usual loans for University but that gets kept for her needs. The only person who could readily assist is my wife's mother who lives in another city. My kids would however prefer she not come, and doing so would certainly exacerbate further the already strained situation with my estranged schizophrenic wife, who walked out of the last family meeting, I think feeling that it was the three of us (myself and our two kids) against her. While my wife has behaved badly (which is probably mainly the fault of her illness) I do not want the children to lose contact with her, which is unfortunately not an impossibility if things continue the way they are.

Hi Hoegaandit
I don't have much advice here but I always read your posts with interest. I'm also doing thr parent thing on my own, and one thing that might help (you need a biggish freezer space) is once a week or month cooking a lot of food and freezing into tupperwares or freezerbags for individual suppers, it takes a bit of time but then at least that's one chore less for the day if the main meal is cooked. If you have a microwave then there's no problem thawing it, (I don't, so have to take out in the morning to de-frost).

The food hiding thing, yes I can relate to that , and the car is a brilliant place, I use it too, I've even used used the washing machine. (Just be sure to remove food before you put a wash on, could be messy!)

The dog walking, well I have two dogs that need to be walked and I do this every day, but it has been an issue because I want my daughter to walk them too, for her own exercise and to take responsibility for their needs. She loves the dogs so I feel she needs to do this for them.
Anyway, getting her to go with them (or even just one dog) from the house, do a decent lengths walk before returning is quite hard, what usually happens is they come back after five minutes with the reason being 'they didn't want to go', or' they were frightened of the cows.' So on weekends now I will drive into the village and drop her off about a forty minutes' walk from a meeting place, and she and dogs get a proper walk. She is okay with this and always in much better form after the exercise. I realise you would not be available to do this in the week with your son but what about the weekend? Also of course it's not ideal- I want her to be motivated to do it under her own steam, but at least it's a way of getting the job done without either party becoming too upset or the issue being forced.

I had to smile over your packed lunch comment-of putting in one item of fruit 'which he never eats'. I do exactly the same, except I've stopped now because I was tired of the fruit coming back uneaten and bruised. With her, fruit has to be the pinnacle of perfection, not one speck on it that could possibly be construed as being a flaw, or she won't eat it. But there are vegetables that she will eat so I'm not that bothered about uneaten fruit.
You can also get the five a day in by pureeing some veg and putting it into mince meat etc that you freeze. Again, of course you want him to see cause and effect- you will feel unwell in the long run if you subsist on junk, and feel good if you live healthily, but it is safety net, I guess make the fruit availabe there in the fruit bowl for him to take if the day comes when he decides to eat it.

Anyway, that's just one or two things that I can think of, will post more if I think of them.

Hi Catbalou

Didn't know you were also a sole parent - it is a time consuming business - hope all is going well with you and your daughter.

Thanks for your very relevant suggestions which are very valuable! With the pre-preparing of meals I (as an unskilled male!) ran into some problems with that eg the mashed potato did not taste too good after it had been frozen! Out it went! Recently I have been preparing two day meals in advance (with some extra meat being cooked when the kids take the meat off the plate) but it is an excellent idea to try and cook a week's worth of food on the weekend. I just need to work out what foods I can cook and freeze.

With hiding food I think about the only place that will be fully safe is the car. I previously thought I had found the perfect hiding place where my son would never look - the vegetable drawer in the fridge! but he even found them there. All this stated, he is getting a little better than he had been about the food stealing.

You seem to have the same problem with your children and dogs. I think the family member who would be most upset if our dog had to go (which would never happen in practice) is my son - but he has never once volunteered to do anything for the dog, except on one occasion when he told his mom he would take the dog for a walk when she wanted him to do a more onerous chore. Like you, I strongly suspect our son if forced to take our dog for a walk will generally only take him round the 15 minute block, rather than the 30-40 minute block the dog needs. We have quite a lot of lovely bush and beach walks nearby here and I do quite often take my son on those walks on the weekend, and occasionally he will run a mile or two to a local park on weeknights (-he always wants to do exactly the same run) and then I drive there with the dog and walk around the park or a bush walk with torches. As with you though, our son does not show any signs of responsibility toward our dog at all, much as he loves him.

Yep, my son is exactly the same about fruit. If the banana (which is one of the few fruits he will sometimes eat) has one discolouration mark he won't eat it. That is an excellent idea about pureeing some vegetables into mincemeat. I did try mixing green beans and mincemeat but he wouldn't have any of it - but maybe if I put in less green beans and puree it rather than just mixing it in that might work!

Veels dankie en beste wense (thanks very much and best wishes)

If you're working 9-9 and yet can't afford to hire extra help for either home or office, or therapies for your son, what is the advantage of owning your own business? Could you get a job in a salary type position that would leave you with more free time to help your son at home?

Have you considered using your son's benefit to hire a tutor or pay for some life skills classes?

As far as the food issues go, my son is also a very picky eater. The only "mixed" foods he will eat are pizza and grilled cheese and a cheeseburger (with nothing on it other than burger and cheese.) I used to try the trick of hiding things in his grilled cheese, but now he routinely takes it apart to make sure I haven't hid anything. He also will only eat very few (sweet, only) soft foods and bananas, bread slices, have to look "perfect." Luckily he now eats meat and even fish, but we still have tons of issues with greens and food presentation requirements.

Have you tried reducing the quantity of "junk" foods in his lunch so maybe he will eat more of his sandwich? I would also try maybe trying to substituting "more healthy" junk food for the candy bars. I know you do not have time to make stuff at home, but some of the "health food style" bars, granola bars etc, ARE really candy bars, but at least have fruit and nuts mixed in so he would be getting some nutrients. They will still have the fat and sugar he craves (granola has a ton of fat in it) will keep his calorie intake where it needs to be, and be some forward motion. Also maybe mix juice and club soda (this may even come pre-prepared) to replace (some of) the soda? It is fizzy and sweet, but has some nutrition. Incremental steps may be how you need to go.

I understand the problem you have. You can't eliminate the junk because he needs the calories. If you restrict the junk (which you have to, or he won't eat anything else) he will steal it. If you posted it and I missed it, I apologize. What consequences are there when he steals food?

Even when autistic people have impulse issues, they also respond to reason. I would tell him that you are only doing this so he will be a healthy person and that if he steals junk food, you are going to restrict it more, not as a punishment, but as a health thing because you care.

As a single parent myself, this was exactly what I thought. I have my own business, so I know how many hours you put in...

Some thoughts:

Are there ways you can be more productive with your work? There usually are. Have someone, a friend or a professional come in and tell you what they see, things you could do better.
Designate a cut off time for your work. I found that I would put in long hours, for which the return did not differ from when my hours of work were shorter. This will also make you work more efficiently. Find that balance.
Can you bring your work home with you, so you are at least in the area of your children?

You say you are opposed to a nanny, maybe you can hire someone to work at your business to help you reduce your hours? Can you outsource some of you work? I run a website, and found many different ways to make my day more productive. I would spend HOURS posting things, with a little research I figured out ways to prepost things, use templates, etc. Find your shortcuts...

Last.. some of what you describe is a typical teenage boy. They are messy, don't like to clean their rooms, don't like homework, forget to do things, etc. If he is breaking things making his movie, well at least he is doing that instead of getting into drugs, having sex, etc. If he likes movie making, could he take a class after school somewhere? Then at least he is in a strucutred environment, doing something that could help him down the road.

Being a single parent is tough, and sometimes that means we have to give up the things we want to do. It may be necessary for you to make some big changes that inconvenience you. You may need to find a 9 to 5 job, so you can be available to your kids. You may need to cut back your work, maybe 9 - 5 M-F, and 8-11 on Saturdays.

@zette - my daughter asks the same question - why do I work long hours in a business for little reward? There is merit in this; however there are reasons - I am in my mid fifties and have worked for myself for many years; it will be hard for me to get a job elsewhere at this time of my life. I have a law practice and usually law practices pay better, so there is the possibility of some income upside, especially with the passing of the recession which very seriously affected my areas of law (- to some extent I have had to move into other areas of law with which I am less familiar and accordingly which do not pay well for the hours I spend).

Secondly, I am trying to check out options for the use of my son's benefit, although I am at heart a penny pincher and am trying to let the benefit accumulate so that my son might be able to purchase a small apartment one day - because he is going to need all the help he can get. I am not averse to using the benefit for assistance for him, provided it is making a difference - although I will try and find free or subsidised options if possible first.

@ASDMommyASDKid - I may have to start reducing the chocolate bars; I do try and give the kids what they want, but it only works with my (mainly) NT daughter, not my son. If I just put fruit and sandwiches in his lunch and water he would at best eat half of the sandwich. Today he left his lunch behind again (I went to bed at 7.15am, getting upat 8.50am - thank goodness I've now now cleared one difficult file! and got him up but didn't supervise him and he obviously left at the last minute in a rush). I could give him those granola-type bars, although they are really almost as bad as chocolate bars, as he has seemed keen on some of those - perhaps as a way of moving toward something more healthy. I have mainly stopped giving him energy drinks and just give him cordial made from powder. Unfortunately he does not listen to reason at all in this regard.

@NigNag - Thank you for your valuable suggestions from someone in a not dissimilar position. I am sure I could be more productive and organised, and you are right, having a cut off time when work needs to be done will focus one's mind on working better. However law is not a particularly easy discipline and I don't know that working smarter and less hours can be taken too far; more likely that will lead to running risks which is bound to catch up with me. I do bring work home sometimes but it tends not to get done there as well as in the office.

I am not in a position to employ anyone other than my daughter (and in future likely my son) to do administrative jobs in the business.

I agree my son is not an oppositional child. (His counsellor said he is not a difficult child, and he is not in the oppositional sense, but he is a difficult child in a lot of ways). Of course a lot of teenage boys can be rebellious and difficult, but I think my son's autism takes this to another level. Actually, we live in a city where movies are quite big, but there are not a whole lot of film courses that my son could go to. There are some for a week during the day in holiday times, but mainly those were for younger kids than him. There are also some makeup courses, which he might like. If I can find a suitable one I could use his benefit money to pay for that.

I really don't believe in my circumstances I can cut down my work much; as I mentioned earlier I could get my son to come into the office in the evenings so I could supervise him.

Thanks all for your suggestions!