Meltdowns

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We never go to the Park after school on a Monday as my kids have cub scouts, so we have to go home for an early dinner etc. My kids know this routine. Yesterday, as we were leaving school, two of my son's friends asked if we were going to the park. I said no. Cue major meltdown from my son who wanted to go. So this morning I promised him we could go to the park today after school. We arrive at the park and this time his friends arent there. Cue another meltdown from my son who wants to leave immediately. I said not straight away, as it would not have been fair on his brother. When I say meltdown, I mean uncontrollable anger / tears. He gets so enraged he says things like 'I wish I wasn't even alive' and similar sentiments. He grimaces and clenches his fists so hard they shake. It breaks my heart so see him so mad and I find his extreme language very disturbing. We are seeking help from pyschology for his anger management but its very hard. I am so scared when he is older he will self-harm. I'm not sure why I'm posting this, I guess I want to talk through my fears for him. I feel powerless to help him when he gets mad. I can't always give in to his demands.

He's lucky he didn't grow up where I did. Every meltdown, every tantrum, every sass, backtalking and lip would have been countered with a black eye by his parents, his teachers, the clergy and even the school principal. Talk about discipline!

How old is he?

Meltdowns will happen, but as he gets older he can learn strategies to minimize them, avoid them, or calm down faster.

I reckon that the OT programme 'How does your engine run?' has good suggestions for situations where kids melt down like that. It suggests coping mechanisms they can learn that NT kids probably figure out for themselves.

Thanks for your input. My son is 8. We have coping strategies for when he is at home...he takes himself to his room where he has a 'sensory' drawer of his favourite items and books. It's when we are out in public that it's practically impossible to calm him down.

Thanks for your input. My son is 8. We have coping strategies for when he is at home...he takes himself to his room where he has a 'sensory' drawer of his favourite items and books. It's when we are out in public that it's practically impossible to calm him down. Thanks for the tip about How Does Your Engine Run. I've not heard of this but will look into it.

I feel for you. I have similar issue with my son who is 6. He recently had a meldown out at the park over the ice cream truck, and I had no money for ice cream. it was miserable, and he just lost it and went into full meltdown mode...he was yelling, crying, insisting that other poeple buy it for him. He was the only one doing this, my 3yo understood we didnt have money and was fine with it, my 6yo lost his mind.

No ideas just wanted to say I understand how hard it can be. We have ideas for the house, but outside can be a whoe different set of issues.

It may help to remember that when 'out and about' there is soo much more input, the light the sounds the wind in your face the people you meet on the way, I could go on.

As you mention that at home familiar things help, it could be an idea to bring a few things with you that a) help him reduce/manage input and b) are familiar. Maybe sunglasses, a walkman (to drown out other sounds) and a stuffed animal and/or a book he knows well? That'll give him something 'safe' to focus on.

When is someone gonna invent the crystal ball so we can have a better idea of what is going to set our poor kiddos off like that?
Well until someone does, we just need to always be on the look-out and thinking ahead about possible outcomes of new situations and having an "escape plan" prepared when something doesn't go well. The first situation you described where he had a meltdown about something that is typically not part of your routine was probably totally unavoidable however it may have been predicated by over-stimulation from being at school all day. I know my DS is not at the top of his game when he gets out of school and the things that might set him off are unpredictable. When he starts to meltdown I just try to put on my clam face and get him home as quickly as possible. On the second situation you described, sorry if this sounds harsh but, I would have tried to be prepared that the friends might not be at the park unless you/he had made specific plans to meet them there. Perhaps explaining to both boys that you would go by the park and if his friends were there you would stay but if not you would leave. I know hindsight is 20/20 and all that but if there is one thing I have learned about trying to avoid meltdowns is to try to think ahead and figure out what I'm gonna do if an activity doesn't turn out as planned.

Also,when we have to leave some place, I try to consider it not so much "giving in to his demands" as "meeting his needs". I mean if he had fallen down and was bleeding you wouldn't stay at the park because it wouldn't be fair to your other son. You would take him them both home straight-away. His meltdowns are probably not something he has much control over. I know this is really hard to see because it LOOKS so much like they COULD control it if they wanted to but the fact is that they can't. They don't have the skills to control it or they would. They can however learn coping techniques as mentioned above. Learning these techniques will be a much longer process for an AS child than for an NT child.

One thing my son has trouble with is reality that does not match expectation, and that is what I think happened here. In the moment, your son forgot it was Monday and was only focused on the idea that he as being invited to be with friends. Feeling included is so very important at your son's age, and since he is Aspie, despite the fact that he does well socially, he is probably included less he would like to be.

The second day I think you missed that he was looking to play with friends. It wasn't about the park. He had it connected in his head from the events of the previous day that "park" meant playing with those boys.

My answer to those types of issues with my son was to clearly outline expectations super often. Every Monday morning I would be saying, "don't forget we have to go straight home after school today." Every Monday morning.

The next day, as we made plans for the park, I would be repeating that unfortunately I could not say if ANY kids would be there for him to play with.

You have to spend a little dectective time figuring out what assumptions your son is building, so that you can gray them out. If they don't build expectations, then they can't have "it didn't go as expected" meltdowns.

It is tough because developing scripts and expectations is one way kids with ASD handle the chaos (to them) of the world. They resist the unknown. But it sets them up for disappointment, and the sooner they learn to manage uncertaintly, and understand that they cannot control life, the better off they are.

Control and expectation were huge when my son was 8.

If you go up to our stickies and the parenting index, you can find more on meltdowns, This isn't anger, it is an inability to cope, and there are strategies for managing it. Reading Tracker's book at ASDStuff.com will also help.

You've received some very good suggestions here. I agree with DW_a_mom in that probably your son was expecting to meet his friends. When they weren't there, he may have wanted to soothe his disappointment with something from home or a distraction to help him cope (hence, wanting to leave the site of his disappointment immediately). We, as others, have seen this in our DD (age 10), particularly when she was younger. The meltdowns are heart-breaking but the exasperation we as parents feel is hard to mask too. I firmly believe that our children see this and it becomes a trigger for even more anger and disappointment for them.

First off, I admire that you were trying to be fair to your son's sibling. Most siblings of children on the spectrum get short-shrift and it was thoughtful of you to think of your other son. One thing that we have made clear to our DD's younger brother (age eight) is that autism affects *all* of us - the entire family. And while it may seem hard to be different from other families (and in some ways "unfair", a term very big in an eight-year old's vocabulary), we do get to share the all the "ups" that come with having someone on the spectrum in our home-particularly our DD. I point out to DS that he has never had an argument with his sister, she has been and is his best friend (they share so many interests), she never tires of his stories (nor he of her stories), she's a lovely artist, and, with her remarkable memory, has helped him find any toy his has *ever* misplaced. The trade-off is that sometimes, if things are hard for DD, DS has to understand and work with it. I have pointed out to DD that she has to do the same with DS (he has his moods and things he "won't" do as well, even though he is not on the spectrum). I think teaching flexibility is key for all members of the household. If you can make flexibility part of the "script", for all involved, it may help with surprise, unplanned situations.

What helped us is that we outlined all the potential/possible scenarios for things like outings, finding that "perfect" toy/food item/book, events. Sometimes stuff happens, so we looked at the potential negatives and talked about alternatives to the way things may unfold, as DW_a_mom said. The discussion of flexibility may not make sense to a child unless there are examples that are presented when they are *not* upset. My DH and I also always played up when something unexpected happened that was positive. For example, "Isn't it great that we came to the park instead of the beach today, as we had planned? If we went to the beach, we might have missed this surprise concert today!" It sounds elementary, but many kids on the spectrum can't see the grey, only the black and white.

It does get better as your child gets older. And carving out time for the sibling who is not on the spectrum is also important in helping the family flow.

DW_a_mom, I just had to comment. We had the same problem with our DD when she was younger and found that setting expectations was critical. In fact it became such a habit that I still do it now and get the teenager eye roll, Mom I know that!

It is nice that she has largely outgrown this need, but I find myself still setting expectations for upcoming events.

Mattsmum - there is some excellent advice here. I am sure that you will find it helpful.

Public meltdowns are really, really difficult. For one thing, the rude stares you often wind up getting tend to exacerbate them, and for another as you said, your resources are limited.

I would sometimes put my son in the back seat of the car (safely - no hot cars, of course) lock the doors and stand outside the car so he had some semblance of privacy (and I could keep my cool) to calm down, which he was sometimes able to do - I never did this for more than a few minutes, though.

Sometimes you just have to ride it out. Sometimes you can pack distractions (electronics, fidgets, chewies, snacks) in your purse, and they will help if you get to it in time.

Escaping to a public bathroom (especially a "family" bathroom where you can lock everyone else out) can offer another place to ride out a meltdown; sometimes asking my son to wash his face in cold water helps (obvs not something to do unless he can do it himself.) Going out of doors if you're in a crowded restaurant or store works, too.

I agree, while it's useful to try to explain if there's an unforeseen change coming up, it's nearly impossible to figure out exactly which things will set off a kid on the spectrum; sometimes you just have to be prepared for the storm. However, you can try offering words for what you think is going on (some of the problem may be an inability to articulate his frustration) e.g. "It is really frustrating that your friends aren't here when you expect them. I don't like it when things are different from what I expect; I can understand why you are angry."

There's a really interesting article here: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2927009/
I haven't quite finished reading it, but the gist seems to be that inhibiting displays of strong emotion in public (e.g. meltdowns) is a learned social skill. Basically, it says parents of kids on the spectrum struggle most with other people because the social expectation is that parents are responsible for behavior. Random onlookers don't know or care that there's a developmental issue that parents can't control. Not a study that has lots of useful strategies (the only solid one mentioned is that many parents felt better explaining or offering cards explaining their child is on the autism spectrum; not a strategy I think would work for our family in public) but it does show how very common this particular struggle is.