Need advice for grown son.

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How can I persuade my grown son to go to therapy with me to deal with his anger issues and possible depression. Of course, change or unknown situations are difficult for him anyway, and I expected the reluctance.

But our communication has broken down completely. He has isolated himself and does little besides watch tv and play video games. His apartment is a health hazard of filth, but he refuses to clean or change his ways. He exists on fast food, and has gained at least 20 pounds in two months. His girlfriend left, although he won't share under what circumstances.

It is tearing me up to see him in this state. He will most likely be on academic probation if he returns to school in the fall because he earned all D's and one C spring semester. I would like to have him find at least a part time job so that he can interact with someone, but he barely leaves the apartment. He has no friends--not one. And I know that a work environment would be difficult, but I think at least he could interact with someone on some level.

I showed him autistic author Zosia Zaks book, Positive Strategies for Autistic Adults, in hopes it would help him climb out of this, but he claims he knows exactly where things are in his cluttered mess and denies there is a problem. Or rather, claims if there is a problem, it is not his. My hope would be that he could connect with a therapist, but that will not happen if I can not persuade him to go. Anyone have ideas?

If he doesn't have a job who is supporting him? If it's you, I would say it seems pretty simple how to get him to attend counseling with you - you simply demand it. If he's not going to behave like an adult, do not treat him like one.

If you read it you might realise she described him having extreme symptoms of depression, in which case being too pushy and treating him like he's being that way on purpose is probably a very bad idea. I could understand if this was a case of laziness but it sounds more like severe depression.

To the OP not sure how to go about this but you have to try and get him to trust you, also he might feel threatened about talking to someone, I know I feel that way I mean I wish I could tell you how to do that an how to make him feel more comfortable about going to therapy. And I hate to say this but if worse comes to worse and hes for instance not eating, not taking care of any hygene and basically dangerous to himself I would say you might have to make an emergency call...but otherwise you have to try and in a supportive manner get him to understand you want to help and you're not just trying to get him to go for you or something. I actaully am very depressed and I know for me if someone is supportive and doesn't push too hard can help...I know with my mom I tend to kind of push her away if I feel she's getting too pushy and its adding to my stress and anxiety because then I feel like I'm letting her down.

Also what do you mean go to therapy with you? I mean since he is an adult if you can convince him it would be more like you taking him to therapy but I imagine he would want to meet with the therapist in private.....maybe not but I know i would not want to bring my mom to a therapy session as it would distract from speaking with the therapist. Also if he is depressed its probably not that he refuses to change his ways, its probably more like he can't on his own. As for him denying anythings wrong, it could be he knows there is something wrong but has a hard time approaching you about it so he tries to play it off like he's fine. I know I have a habit of doing that...but in my case sometimes its better to do that since my family is sometimes far too critical when I try to explain how I'm feeling to them. Don't know if this helps any but maybe something here makes sense or is helpful.

Your son is a grown man and will have to take his lumps. No one can forcibly "fix" someone who doesn't want to participate in the fixing process. All you are doing with your worrying and nagging, is making him full of stress and resentment. Lay off! If he fails, it will be his fault, due to the bad choices he is making, but they are his choices to make. Should he fail, it will be up to him to take steps to fix it.

On the plus side, there is something you can do, or should I say not do? Do not give him any money to fund his bad lifestyle. No money for food, for a car and car bills, no money for clothes, non essentials, utilities, etc. The only thing you should ever help with financially at this point is medical bills if he needs medical care, and then pay the medical provider direct, not your son. If he runs out of money and is hungry, invite him over for a meal, and let him take home left overs, but don't give him money for food. If he needs money to do the laundry, invite him over to use your machine, but he must do his laundry--not you. If he runs out of money to fund a car, take his old bike over to his place. That will not only help him get around, it will also help him lose weight. If he no longer has a bike, buy him a good used one after he runs out of car money. If you have been paying his rent, so he can attend school, tell him that if he gets kicked out of school, you will no longer pay his rent, and he can't move back home UNTIL he ALREADY has a job, so he can pay you rent.

REMEMBER, REMEMBER!! ! Do not fund his bad lifestyle choices. If and when he fails, he will have to take his lumps, and HE will have to make the necessary changes to fix things. You don't have the power to force him to get fixed, but you can encourage him to change his ways by closing the "First National Bank of Mom." As long as you fund his bad choices, you are enabling him. Stop doing it, but also, stop fussing at him, stop nagging him, and stop criticising him. All that does is drive people nuts, stress them out, and make them resentful. Instead, just close your wallet. If he calls you to tell you about something he needs money for, just tell him you are sorry to hear that, but that since he's a big boy now, it's his responsibility to handle his bills.

I know it sounds harsh, but it will work better than the methods you've been using. And please stop trying to bully him into going for therapy. A lot of us on the spectrum don't like therapy--myself included. Right now your son doesn't feel he has a problem inside himself, but that you are his problem because of your constant nagging. Stop being his problem, but also stop enabling him. Close the wallet. It's time for both of you to face reality. You can't make a grown man do what he doesn't want to do, and you don't have the right to force him anyway. He needs to learn to take care of himself, and that there are consequences to bad choices.

Sorry to take such a hard line, but I know what it is like to be on the spectrum. Remember when he was a baby? When he was learning to walk, he fell a number of times while learning. Well, he may have to take some more falls now, in order to learn how to live as an independent adult.

I hope I have been helpful, and I hope your son wises up soon.

I did a bit of googling, and while this applies to teens, some of it might be helpful: http://www.hopetocope.com/Item.aspx/475 ... depression

I particularly liked the suggestion that YOU go to a counselor (specifically one trained to help someone like your son, who I assume is on the autism spectrum?) and see how they suggest going about getting your son to take care of himself. It also suggests working with the school to make sure appropriate supports are in place, and I believe that applies double for college.

I feel for you; you're in a tricky situation. Parenting a kid on the spectrum is hard no matter where they are in their development - that pushme/pullyou line is so hard to figure out, and this forum is filled with young people who have cut off ties with their parents for real or perceived slights. Hang in there.