communication

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I homeschool my 11yo high functioning Asperger's son, so we don't receive any help through school programs. Maybe some of you can help us learn to communicate better. The big problem is his perspective. He gets something in his head and thinks it's the truth. I'm only talking about things in relation to me. He wouldn't say, for example, "My lego box is in the basement" if it isn't. But he will say, "You told me I could go on computer," when I didn't. He'll argue fiercely about it. At times my husband, his dad, will hear and try to set him straight, which is better, but he's not always there to help. My son can be very upset about something that I never said, or said differently than he has in his head. Any help?

Boy, that's a tough one. We have the same problem..."But you saaaiiid..."

My tactic is to repeat what I did say, tell him that I am sorry that there was a misunderstanding but that I am not going to argue with him about it. I then try to move on. If possible, I try to negotiate an outcome that doesn't throw him into a meltdown like giving him 2 options of things that are more acceptable to me than the thing he thought I said he could do and desirable enough to him that one of the options has a good chance of re-directing him. I honestly believe that he believes he heard what he wanted to hear. I mean, I don't think he is making it up and trying to be manipulative so I always give him the benefit of the doubt as far as that goes. I think he has started to recognize that I truly do believe him and I think that helps. When I have had a reaction like " No, you are wrong, that's not what I said" he gets more defensive I think and then it seems less likely to find a resolution.

We also have a lot of trouble with him just flat out not hearing what I have said which causes many of the same issues. I check repeatedly for comprehension but it still happens sometimes.

Good luck and I will be very interested to hear any ideas others have!

Your son knows perfectly well that he is wrong. He is trying to manipulate you. When he does this, just correct him once, and tell him if he keeps trying to pull this he will loose privilidges.
Then, if he keeps it up, no computer/electronic game time for the rest of the day, or no TV for the rest of the day, etc. Remember, it is very important to follow through with the loss of privilidges if you say you will do that. If you say you will do that when he misbehaves, and then you don't do it when he misbehaves, then the threats are meaningless, and he will just keep misbehaving. This is why his father gets better results. Dad usually means business and will usually follow through on the promised penalties. Son knows that. Apparently, you have been wimping out, or just not realizing what you need to do.

So stand up to your kid. He is not in charge. You and your husband are in charge.

Have the same issue here... My approach is to just repeat what I said while acknowledging that there may have been a misunderstanding and that it's normal to have misunderstandings.

It has gotten better, but it's hard to "correct" as its unintentional for the most part, although sometimes I think that my son is being a bit manipulative. In that case I do try to stand firm, but with reassurance that it will all be alright if we can just calm down.

Good luck...

I think you are wrong. I don't believe my son is being manipulative when he does this. Taking away privileges when an autistic child has mis-interpreted a situation is nothing short of cruel and it sure is not going to prevent the situation from happening again except that maybe the child will just stop interacting with a person they cannot trust.

My daughter does this (not dxed, had first hald of evaluation today). She just did it today at dinner. I told her she had to eat half of her dinner to get a banana (yep, hardcore lol). She somehow... heard? That she only needed to take one bite to get a banana. She isn't 5 yeat, she turns five in August... she was VERY insistant that I had said she could have the banana for taking one bite of her dinner. I know what I said. I am unsure at this point whether it is deception, misunderstanding, or her believing her own stream of consciousness (I sometimes do the same thing, I "hear" someone say something I want them to say and really it was just me thinking about it and I got my own wirse crossed.

There are a lot of things that my son does that sure look manipulative, disrespectful, and argumentative. But he is none of those things. That is not to say that people on the spectrum cannot be those things, and it doesn't mean that he is never these things, but in general he is not. I think we need to be very careful before assigning those words to a kid who may see things very differently than we do. I know the worst thing you can do to my son is wrongfully accuse him of something. If you rightfully accuse him, he readily accepts your accusation, but wrongful accusations somehow hurt him on a very deep level. I think it screams INJUSTICE to him.

What would happen if you asked him to describe the exact situation in which you said it? As in, "When did I say it? Where were we? What were we doing? What were we talking about?" I wouldn't do it in a confrontational way, but maybe more like "hmmm....I sure don't remember saying that...where were we? etc" Maybe that would help him realize that the conversation did not happen. Or maybe try some delay tactics like "Sure, you can play the computer, but first lets...."

I don't know if this applies to your son or not, but sometimes I think my daugther has a hard time remembering that we do not share the same mental space. She thinks I know things that she knows that I couldn't possibly know. Like what she was doing when she tripped and skinned her knee today. Is it possible that he assumes you share his same view?

InThisTogether and Bombaloo, you are hitting it right on and have good suggestions. Clearly he just cannot take my perspective. He wants X and asked for X so his job it done... I must have said he can have X. Maybe if I keep asking questions about what I was supposed go have said, he will back down.

I find it really helps to write down as much as possible. Write down plans on calendars, make lists, etc. It's hard to get everything written down, of course, but if you can see any pattern in what your child is misunderstanding, that's a good place to start. Our psych suggested writing short notes and handing them to our daughter (almost 13); that didn't seem to fit with us but texting on her cell phone is great. We do it to clarify times, which she has trouble with, e.g. she might says she doesn't have to leave now because something doesn't start until 2 pm--I said so, or the teacher said so, etc.--when it's really at 1:30. So if I can text "tomorrow you need to leave at 1:00 because the activity starts at 1:30" that helps. (Interestingly, she has always had trouble telling time, remembering days of the week, etc. so I think time makes her anxious.)

She responds much better when there isn't the emotion of the voice to requests such as "Time for bed." And she is extremely affectionate in text; we send smileys and kisses back and forth.

Maybe worth a try.
J.

my son has a memory like a steel trap! He forgets NOTHING, ever. He reminds us of things when he was 2 and 3 in percise details. He wil do this with telling me I said something I didnt. And I DO ask him, when did I say that, where were we? What was I doing? He will make it ALL up! That scenario has been played out a million times, he makes up answers so suit his own need. If I threaten him with taking away his DS or iPad, he will then own up to making it up AND recall teh exact conversation verbatum. SO why does he do that in the first place???

Oh goodness. That would be tough. I can't think of a way to make this work for you, but I'll share something I used to do when my son very first started experimenting with lying (he is a horrible liar). He almost never lies, but does on occasion lie about what happened at school. If I think he is lying, all I have to do is say "What would your teacher say if I asked her?" For some reason, I think the complexity at that level gets too...well...complex for him to process and he usually just fesses up with the truth.

If I knew he was lying (and by lying I mean that he is aware he is telling an untruth to suit his own purposes), I'd probably play the Jedi Mom Trick and simply say "I know for a fact that you are lying. You have one chance to redeem yourself. Tell me the truth now."

Regarding why he does this...LOL...when I was a kid, my mom had a notoriously poor memory. So, half the time if I just went into detail about what she said and when she said it (though she never really said it), she'd just second guess herself and agree with me. Like: Mom "I never told you that you could go to your friend's house after school." Me "Sure you did. Remember last week when we went grocery shopping? When we were waiting at the meat counter I told you that she invited me and you told me that as long as my homework was done, I could go." Mom "Oh...OK...I don't remember that." So perhaps because he has such a phenomenal memory, he thinks you have a lame one in comparison and he is trying to get over on you??? LOL!

Another thing is to remember to communicate as literally you can on everything and not by inference. Our son can be the same, and often it is the way we phrase things eg. my husband said to him the other night, "Isn't it time you went to bed?" ... and then wanted to know 15 minutes later why he hadn't gone to bed ... but then realised that he expected our son to infer out of that that it was time to go to bed, when in fact all our son had thought was, "No, I don't think it's time to go to bed", so had then just stayed up lol.