How did you react when you were told your kid had autism?

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Hi Claudia!

I agree with InThisTogether.....If possible, I would find another doctor. Please don't let the words of a professional or educator make you fall into grief or give up hope. Every case of autism is different, and sometimes a child on the spectrum can go through huge periods of development. There is no one size fits all pattern of development here. You should absolutely rejoice that your son has words now. If he has words, it shows that he has the ability to speak, and he will improve more and more if he is worked with. As his mother, you will be his biggest advocator, so it is very important for you to stay hopeful and positive. I know it is easy to get down and frustrated, we all do. But doctors do not know everything there is to know about this disorder. Have you read anything about Temple Grandin? Her mother was told at 4 yrs old to institutionalize her. She has gone on to be a professor and travels the world talking to and helping people with autism. My son was evaluated at school when he was 4 yrs old and they said he scored in the mildy ret*d range. Well, I refused to believe that, and my son is now 7 and reading above grade level. He is definitely different than other kids, but I knew he was able to learn.

My son is 7 and was diagnosed at 2.5 years old. I knew from about 1 yr old that something was going on, but not sure what. My son actually had words at 10 months old. Our biggest concern was that he had low muscle tone and was very physically delayed. I started to bring him to physical therapy and during the course of therapy, other red flags started popping up. He started flapping his hands and didn't really play with toys. He had words, but was not really using them to communicate with us. We started him in speech therapy and occupational therapy. When all of this started, I knew deep in my heart that something was wrong, but it was over time that I knew it was autism. At first I was deeply saddened and terrified because I thought that he would not even be able to have a relationship with me, that he would not know that I was his mother and how much I loved him. He didn't walk until he was almost 2, and I was a basket case. After he started walking, I thought he would be fine, but there were lots of issues with his speech and his lack of desire to play with kids was a dead give away. By the time we got the diagnosis, I already knew, so it was not a big deal for me. I had already accepted it and began grieving process. But through it all, I loved my boy more than anything in the world, and I did not give up on him.

We still have so many things to work on, but overall, at 7 yrs old, my son is far exceeding my expectations when we were first given the diagnosis. There is no recipe or map that goes with this diagnosis, but one thing I know for sure, is to rejoice with every new development and to never give up hope. I am not sure what your faith background is, but this bible verse has been my mantra through all of this:

"Rejoice in hope, endure in affliction, persevere in prayer"---Romans 12:12

Hope some of this is helpful to you~

I was not trying to say that you should give up trying. But what you are doing seems to be working. He is progressing. As long as he is getting the right support and moving forward at his best pace. That's what seems to matter. Compare him to him, not to other children. Even if he is always behind, it will not seem such a big deal the older he gets. Enjoy who he is now, and revel in his successes, even if other children got there two years earlier. I am sorry that this is bringing you down. What is the fear that is whispering in your ear?

We took my daughter in for ADD and after a classroom visit we were told by the Child Psychologist that she suspected autism. So it was a shock, I was not expecting it. However, on further reading I realise they are somewhat similar. Although I think my daughter has autism now.

You did the right question. There are so many fears but the main is he will never be able to decide things by himself. People will take advantage of him. He has no siblings and I don't want to have another son or daughter, but I feel forced to become mother another time. The neuropsichiatrist said me that I should reduce my expectations on him

{{{{hugs}}}} That is really a difficult fear. My son was only diagnosed with AS last year (at age 10), so I did not go through the same thing that you are now. Many parents on here have though. I hope they can offer some consoling words. My fears occurred because my son wasn't talking at age 2 and 1/2, but with speech therapy, he was caught up by 3 and 1/2. I totally get the taken advantage of fear though. I watch my son totally trust everyone. He would do anything for a "friend." My heart breaks as he gets so sad and lonely sometimes. I wonder if he will ever find someone who understands him and wants to just be his friend, let alone a girlfriend or a wife. It helps to know that almost everyone in my family is a bit "quirky" and somehow we have all made our way. As a mother, I often want to just wrap my son in a cocoon so he will never get hurt, but I know that is not healthy. So, I just help him the best I can.

We have a three year old son with moderate autism.

Initially shocked, we were expecting a diagnosis of ADHD instead. After that, I suppose mostly sad, and scared.

Sad that our little guy will find life harder than other kids. All the things you dreamed of for your child seem further out of reach, and it hurts to think you can't fix that.

Scared that once he and other kids know he's different that he'll be hurt. At the moment he's still like a baby, he's happy, he laughs, other children are invisible to him. But when he starts to notice them and want to be friends, maybe rejection will hurt.

Yes, there is an element of "this is going to be a lot harder than it is for my friends, this is not what I signed up for", but that's a very small part of it. When you have children you experience a whole different type of love that is nothing like other loves. Your child's happiness is more important than anything at all, so the 'poor me' thoughts were fleeting.

So that's how I felt.

In regards to your Mom, I guess only she knows what drives her. But perhaps it's because when we think a child is 'special needs', often we expect less of them than we do from other children. As an example, you might expect one child to do chores, but the special needs child gets let off, they get things easier in those aspects.. Perhaps your Mom wants to treat you just like your brother, just like anybody else, because that's what the real world has in store for you. When you start working, most people won't understand that you're different, they won't make allowances for you. They'll expect you do to everything they have to do. By treating you the same as your brother, perhaps she thinks she's preparing you for the real world. And let's face it, your time at home with your parents will be short compared to the time you spend independent in the 'real world' so preparing you for that is an act of love on her part. *shrug* could be totally on the wrong track, just a thought.

That is not precisely true. My 12 years-old Aspie daughter cleans her room, makes her bed, knows how to cook, how to hand wash and how to iron her uniforms. She does not do all the things I did when I was her age, but that's only because she does not have as much free time as I did. Her attends school for 7 hours from Monday to Friday, she practices ballet twice a week, and attends therapy two hours a week. And when she is on vacations there is always something new she wants to do, like painting, music, learn a new language... But she is getting trained to be independent. That's the best we can do for your kid, because we are not going to be there for the rest of their lives, so they need to learn how to take care of themselves.

I guess I felt a mixture of emotions. I had assumed he just had really intense ADHD and was gifted, but as he grew older, the sensory issues told me I was missing something. I started Googling the behaviors and Asperger's kept popping up. When I read more about it, my son's behavior started to make sense. That said, getting the official diagnosis was heartbreaking. I remember filling out the questionnaire and handing it the therapist. I told her, tears in my eyes, "I hope I am not reading this right."
I see other people here have mentioned the worries about their children being taken advantage of, and I feel that as well.
Well, after the official diagnosis, I began to read more and I was seeing Aspie traits everywhere. My husband certainly had symptoms as a child. He probably wouldn't meet DSM criteria now, but I think it might be more practice than instinct. I hope my son can learn his father's coping strategies or others that help him deal with the world. I see my son from my first marriage may have had traits coming up. I had no idea at the time, and I feel guilty for not doing better by him. Now that my older son is 20, I find myself going back and trying to teach him social skills I thought he knew.
I really don't know if I would prefer ODD. My little guy had been diagnosed with it a few years before we figured out the Aspie thing. I guess the upside to Aspie is I have a better shot of predicting what might set my son off. Otherwise, many of the behavior problems seem quite similar.
I know he doesn't mean to say some of the things he does, and when he has a meltdown he feels so horrible afterward. I would do anything to guarantee him a meltdown-free environment, but I haven't been able to produce such a thing in my own home for him. How can I get it anywhere else?

You misunderstood, I wasn't saying that everyone let's special needs children out of chores, that was a fabricated example I invented to illustrate a point. I'm sure some people do that, but I wasn't saying that you, anybody, or everybody does it.