I dont like the mother my son requires me to be

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OK, odd title but that is the truth. In order to get thru to my son, I HAVE to be nasty, threaten him (to take away iPad, video games, etc...) and yell. If I dont do one of the above her will not repond to any requests or he will complain, argue and fight with me. I HAVE to pull rank with him, I have to overpower him (meaning use him vodeo games as leverage), and I hate it. That is NOT who I am, I am a soft spoken, gentle person. I DONT like to get loud and threaten him, it pains me to no end. Anyone read Alfie Kohn??? Unconditional Parenting????THAT is the mom I am, you cant be Alfie Kohn-ish with a kid like mine. My heart is an unconditional parent, and it pains me to not be able to do it with my son.

Example:

Jayden is watching iPad for about an hour. It is time to get dressed, I have given him 3 warnings, reminders, whatever you want to call it, "Jayden, in 15 minutes you will have to get in the bath, Jayden in 10 minutes you have to get in the bath" and again at 5 minutes. Each time he has moaned, complained and argued abut it. Finally, it is time to go in the bath. He doesnt move. "Jayden, please get up and go upstairs so I can give you a bath". NOTHING....

By the way, the iPad is plugged in at this point, not in his hand I took it casue the battery died. So he hears me, he is arguing with me, he is just not moving. I then have to get loud, and threaten him. "Jayden, if I count to 3 and you arent up, I am going to take the iPad away for the day, 1, 2...." and then he is miraculously up, but now he is crying casue I am yelling at him. WHAT????? I gave him sufficient warnings, I asked nicely, I asked again nicely. What am I to do just be ignored ALL DAY LONG??? Let him argue and yell at me that he is NOT taking a bath? Let him smell??? . I HATE THIS!! And you can add this scenario to ANTYING I ask or is reuqired of my son that isnt sitting and playing videon games. I cannot, in good faith, let a 6yo child sit all day and do nothing, not eat, not drink, not get dressed, just play video games all day long. We HAVE to get up, eat dress, do things. He WIL NOT COMPLY unless threatened, OR something is in it for him.

He has to be threatened to eat, get dressed, go to the car, to talk nice to me and his sister, etc...

And then he will CRY and be all upset that I am angry, that i yelled or that he lost his video games, meanwhile ALL he has to do is comply. We talk about this ALL.THE.TIME. the child simply doesnt get it.

I dont know how to help hiim get it, I dont know how to help him comply, I am trying, I am at my wits end. I have an ABA therapist working with us, but he wont be back for a few more weeks. And there are SOOOO many issues I need help with that the man should just move in.

But, it is early morning and I Have already had to threaten him to eat and to get in the bath, I hate it as much as he hates it, he cries and I am crying on the inside. I just am at a loss as how to get him to STOP ARGUING with me and just follow a simple harmless direction.

I am not hapy being this kind of mom. I never imagined I would have to be this mom and to be honest I dont LIKE being this mom. But, what am I to do????

Ideas? Anyone with a child like mine, where something has to be in it for him in order to comply with the simplest of requests, or you have to threaten, yell and overpower in order to get them to follow any direscitons that arent SELF direced ones? Anyone have a child who only talks by whining and moaning, complaining, arguing?? I know he can talk nicely, just not to ME, and I am sick of it. I start out very nice with my son. I start out EVERY conversation nice, calm, sweet, happy, gentle, I give him time, I give him space, I allow for processing time, I allow for questioning and I do it with a smile and love on my face. HE takes that away. HE shoots me down, HE whines, moans, complains, HE yells at me, HE leaves me with NO OTHER choice as to react, and I HATE WHO I BECOME!! !

Ok. Let me say first that yelling usually makes situations worse. Taking away a "focus" makes it worse. What I have started to do with my brother is, after having given him a time to be finished with his focus and finally "making" him get off of the game or whatever... and he starts to throw a fit, I say "What happens when you act this way?" It makes him think about the concequences of his actions without asking him what's wrong with you or screaming or taking away the focus. Granted, him having to perform the task will temporarily take away the focus, but once the task is finished, I will let him return to it.

For longer "tasks", this still works. Say if I want Taylor to go outside and "play" for two hours. He throws a fit, "What happens when you act this way?" "I get stuff taken away" "Ok, do you want to get stuff taken away or have your video games back when you're finished?" Sometimes he will throw that in my face or say I don't care, you're stupid, etc, but even after those things, calming him down, he will make a decision.

It seems easier, at least, in Taylor's situation, if I allow him to make a decision instead of saying you should do this this and the other thing because you should and that's what "normal" people do. When you are given choices, you're more in control of your life and thus your own moods, even if someone is dangling a delicious treat at the end of that decision.

OH OH OH Consequences! I feel that if you have shorter time periods for things "taken away" then it works! Instead of all day, say an hour.

Well not to be blunt but none of these approachs will work....all that will do is teach him its ok to yell and scream and threaten to get people to 'comply' with demands. I mean if you seriously feel that is what you have to do I advise maybe speaking to a family therapist that can maybe help........because all that is going to do is either prevent things from improving or make them worse.

Of course he is going to cry when you start screaming and threatening....that is actually pretty scary for a child, trust me I know from experiance not to mention with sensory issues yelling is actually very painful and overwhelming. Also maybe he has some executive functioning issues if you remind him and he does not seem to respond adequately.....

Have you tried getting to the bottom of why your son might be being so difficult? I mean maybe there is something wrong like he's being bullied, having trouble at school or maybe he has severe mental illness symptoms that he can't cope with........Especially if he has autism there could be some underlying issues. I mean if you make his life about 'obey, or mom turns nasty.' that wont address the underlying issues and that wont help the relationship between you two. Have you tried asking nicely? or offering incentives to do activities.......positive reinforcement may work better than negative I mean threatening and yelling is likely just scaring him into complying not actually teaching him anything.........I mean he could be having a hard time with doing all the daily activities, he might feel the demands are too high and that is why he might complain and have a hard time complying so maybe break things down into more simple tasks.

Also I cannot be the judge of this but I have heard bad things about ABA...what approach does this therapist use. 'stop acting autistic and be normal.' or does the therapist help him cope and learn how to work around his more difficult issues to function as best as he can?

That is the way my mom attempted being towards me and my siblings sometimes and all it did was make us more resentful, I think she more or less learned that though because now that we are older she makes a better effort not to try and be like that. Because she knows we can just leave at will. Except my youngest brother but she is way toned down with him compared to how she was with me and my other siblings.

Thanks for your reply...BTDT....it doesnt matter. My son KNOWS what happens and I DO and still ask him that very question, "Jayden, waht do you think is going to happen when you are yelling at me, or when you dont respond, or when you growl at me, etc...?" and all he does is yell or whine or demand back. OH if that only worked, I wouldnt be sitting here in sheer frustration and tears.

If I say I am taking the iPad for an hour he wont care. It used to be an hour, then 2 hours...eh he knows he will have it later he doesnt care. A while DAY of no iPad? No video games??? YES that he cares about...for now!

Believe me, I have BTDT with many things, and the ONLY THING that works is me overpowering him with a threat of some kind. Again, I posted here casue I DONT LIKE parenting this way. It breaks my heart into pieces every time. I hate seeing him cry, I hate breaking HIS heart, but again, what am I to do???? His 6yo brain wants to play video games, yell at me, whine and moan at EVERY request, demand, scream, hit his sister, etc...it cannot be. It HAS to change. I hired a very costly ABA to come help us, and a LOT of it is parent training. I am all there change me, if there is somehting I can change about myself I am willing to do it, but that technique doesnt work, in face if I say, "Jayden, what wil happen if you argue about taking a bath?" He will say, "NOTHING, will happen, I wil play my iPad instead." If i say, "no honey, it is not iPad time anymore, remember? The iPad is charging? Its time to take a bath" he wil say , NO I am NOT taking a bath I am playing the Ipad and YOU arent taking it away!! !" He has a negative answer or reply for everything. EVERYTHING!! ! And he is way smart, and he has smart as a whip replies and he can talk his way out of antyhing...but the bottom line is it is very exhausting to have to take 30 minutes to convince a child to take a bath. It is very dishartening to have achild that you sacrafice your whole life for treat you like crap on the bottom of his shoe. I know he loves me and he doesnt mean it and I try not to take it personally, but it HURTS and I HURT as his mother. I want all of us to be happy, he is such a negative angry person, and none of us in this house are like that. It kills me.

Sweetleaf, yes we all have therapists, I have one, he has one, we go together and seperate, we have an ABA, he is homeschooled so no teacher input but mine. He is difficult to the point of ODD...he is coompletely oppositional and defiant. We have talked, we talk and talk. The ABA told me to talk LESS, to require more, and do less explaining.

YELLING is wrong, THREATENING is wrong and i HATE IT, I apologize, I tell him I am sorry, I HATE doing this, is there ANY OTHER WAY you can do as you are asked??? He has no idea. I have no idea. I have tried it all from Ato Z. I am a special ed teacher by profession. I have pulled out ALL and EVERy trick of the trade I know, and this child defies them all. Maybe there is an underlying issues, like ODD. I dontk now. He has been to psychiatrist, therapists, etc..none have suggested anything underlying except Aspergers.

Bottom line with my son, he will make everything and everyone MISERABLE unless we and he are doing exactly what he wants. How do you rationalize and reason with that??? I try and try, and talk and brainstorm, and involve him, and ask for his input, etc...

I agree, I DONT want to parent this way. HOW else do I get him to comply? WHAT do I do when I say, Jayden honey, ist time to put your PJs on , comeon I will help you!" after giving 3 warnings every 5 muntes before. And he falls on the floor, and in a huge whine says, "YOOOOOOUUUUUU DOOOOO IT!! !!"

Or when his sister walks past him and he starts yelling, "Miranda-poo-poo head" and throws a punch at her face. Seriously??? What do I do??? What do I say and how do I get him to STOP THIS behavior???? He gets time out chair (As per ABA) for yelling and screaming, or things like throwing punch...but seriously, he can be in that chair ALL DAY and it doesnt change a thing. I feel like that is pointless, but I do as the professionals suggest cause thus far nothign has worked.

also- transitions are really, really, really hard, even as an adult. Even though I obviously as an adult know how to take a shower and am capable of it, at times my intention to shower is well meaning, but I get so distracted by 50 other things (sounds, objects, pets, interruptions of any kind) that I end up completely ignoring my best intention to take care of myself in this way. So please, please don't think that he is doing it to push your buttons, he simply may not be able to tear himself away from his activity and begin the process of whatever task you are asking.


Also, what is the cause of his anger towards his little sister? It could be something like, she interrupted his view of his game/tv by walking by him, which results in his agravation. Does he have tools for coping with this feeling of interruption, anger, and disturbance? He may need to be taught to identify his feeling, and learn that he is responsible for his reaction to his sister in very clear, specific terms. A rule like "we never use hands to hit" and teaching him that it feels "angry" when someone interrupts our activities, but we can choose to say "I feel angry, please don't walk in front of me" instead of lashing out or name calling could go along way towards your goals. Maybe he could practice role playing this Action, Feeling, Response with a stuffed animal (it is easier to feel safe and relate to pets and stuffed animals or other objects than people), so that he could start feeling more comfortable identifying his feelings, and working through his options as to a response that would be acceptable.

I'll throw out a couple of things that you may have already tried but maybe there will be something in here that you haven't:

A visual schedule of what is going to happen each day where playing the iPad is at a specific time. If you aren't doing this but are going to try, know that it will take a while before this seems to do any good but is useful for many once established.

We have a behavior chart where video game time is earned, the boys get a set amount of time for "showing up" and can add to that by doing things when I ask, like brushing teeth, or lose time for unacceptable behavior (hitting, spitting, name calling, etc.)

In the bath time scenario, what happens if you take the iPad and then just walk away? We have times similar to this but its not ALL the time like you are struggling with. DS will sometimes be angry when I stop him from playing the Wii and he will go to his room and rip up papers or slam the door (then if he is really mad he will proceed to kick it repeatedly which is the point where I intervene because I am afraid it is going to break into pieces and hurt him). If I let him cool off for a while he is often then in a more compliant mood and I can go back and tell him that it is now time to get in the bath.

Do you do any sensory diet stuff with him? When DS is particularly irritable, sensory diet stuff seems to help him regulate. If you are interested in my sensory diet list, let me know otherwise I won't post it because it is long. I am thinking that your son could really use some good physical activity, a punching bag comes to mind however that may be more encouragement for bad behavior if you are having trouble with him hitting his sister.

Do you think a visual timer would help more than your words for the warnings? http://www.timetimer.com/ Sometimes it helps for us if I set the timer when DS gets on the video game so he knows before he starts that time is going to be up when the timer runs out. I still give reminders but the visual cue of the timer seems to help.

That's all I got right now, sorry.

Deleted because I was being a heartless monster and I hurt a .lot of people in this thread. I should know better than to post in threads like these. I'm very sorry. I have issues from my own childhood.

I know how you feel. I had the same impression, and sometimes still feel pressured to parent my child with ASD differently from the others. My dd is almost 13, and the youngest of a large family. Before we got her diagnosis, I would try the gentle and positive parenting approaches I knew and had used successfully with the others (attachment parenting, natural parenting, a bit on the permissive side) but she didn't seem to respond to them. In other words, she didn't do what I hoped she would. Then I would become the kind of parent I didn't want to be, using punishment (time outs) and rewards--and not enough of the latter--and 1-2-3 Magic, which basically meant "counting her off." I would say, "I'm counting to three, and if you aren't in bed by then I will come and put you in bed." She even seemed to take delight in waiting until I got to two and then running into her room. With my older children, I would say, "I need you to go to bed at nine o'clock, because..." and yadda yadda yadda. Lots of explanations, some negotiation and then they would go to their room (or ours, since we co-sleep with our children when they are little). By the time they were 10 or 12 we could give them the freedom to choose their bedtime because they knew they would be tired in the morning if they didn't get enough sleep. With her I really worried about the lack of "compliance" (and I've come to hate that word, like other people here) when I tried to do the same thing, and her "bad" decisions when I let her choose her bedtime.

Then, when we got her dx, everything I read was geared to younger children and other parenting styles, involving clear instructions and rigid consequences. I was not comfortable with a lot of those suggestions, because they would mean parenting her differently, and in my opinion less gently and lovingly, from my other children.

It was my dh who pointed out to me that our dd did so much better when we reduced our demands. Because that's what they were. In trying to use behavioural / strict parenting methods, we had come to *not* expect / trust her to do what was right and had taken away her freedom to make decisions on her own. She was so much easier to live with when we said "yes" and "great!" more often than "no," "don't" and "wrong."

We also realized that she was not the child described in a lot of the literature on ASD. So instead of basing our parenting on "that" ASD child, we returned to methods more natural to us. We became a lot more positive, and focused on all the things she liked doing and did well. We tuned into her needs, tried our best to understand her when she was upset, and tried to give her support and guidance to do what she wanted rather than instructions to do what we wanted. There are times when clear guidelines are necessary, and I usually text her messages like: "Time for supper!" In return she texts me "Can I go to the store?" etc. But I don't punish her for not coming to supper right away; I try to figure out her reasons (and yes, that means assuming she has good, valid reasons) and stay flexible. You know, it really doesn't matter if she eats right away. I think she has trouble dealing with the emotion around negotiation and explanation, so I try to be as neutral and pleasant as I can. We also talk about emotions and behaviours by watching TV and criticizing the stupid things characters do. I have learned that she has a very strong moral code, and figure that all the time I thought she couldn't care less about pleasing me she was actually probably upset about "messing up" when she misbehaved.

It helps that we have very rules in our house. I can now feel confident when I tell her "I don't make a lot of rules, but the ones we have are important," because I say that to the other kids as well.

I'm sorry this is so long, but your post hit a nerve because I was convinced I would never figure out how to parent my youngest dd, and that made me feel like a bad parent, which seriously affected my motivation and confidence to keep trying until I found the "right" way to deal with her. The fact that it was the same way I had always parented makes things a lot easier for me, but I do want to encourage you to try gentle, loving guidance (or attachment parenting) if you haven't tried already; with a bit of tweaking (the addition of some shorter, neutral requests) it can work really really well.

Good luck!
J.

I have the exact same problem with my soon to be 5 year old daughter. It is part of the reason she is currently being evaluated for AS and ADHD.

I also always start off nice and remain nice as long as possible, but when we are at the point where we are already a half hour late for preschool/work because she is ignoring me in favor of doing what she wants (or just refusing to do whatever, you name it eating, getting dressed, even using hte bathroom) then yes, the yelling begins.

It's very hard when you have a child who sits there and ignores your request, then finally acknowledges the request and refuses (quite stubbornly, I've had her refuse to use the bathroom to the point that she wet herself out of sheer stubborness), and then when you try to "simply" put them into time out they refuse that completely forcing you to either physically move them to the time out or yell at them until the comply. I also really detest having to yell at her but it is extremely frustrating to have to poke and prod a child every step of the way.

Even handwashing is a hairpulling event (but super important because she can't manage a fork so still eats with her hands). After dinner it goes like this... every single night:

Me: "DD please wash your hands, they're dirty."
Her: Ignores, gets up starts heading towards the TV.
Me: "DD please wash your hands, you aren't allowed away from the kitchen with dirty hands."
Her: Ignores.
Me: Louder "DD, please look at me"
Her: Looks at me.
Me: "DD, please wash your hands."
Her: "No. I don't need to. Want to watch adventure time." and takes another step towards the living room.
Me: "No TV until you wash your hands"
Her: "OOOOooooohkaaaaaaay"
Her: The she gets up on the chair and stands there. Chair is needed to reach sink.
Me: "Ok DD, time to wash your hands."
Her: Stands there staring at the sink.
Me: "the faster you do it the quicker you get to watch TV"
Her: Turns sink on, stares at water.
Her: Continue staring at water.
Me: "Put your hands in the water"
Her: Puts a couple fingers in the water and plays with it.
Me: Loud "You need to put your hands in the water and rub them together."
Her: Keeps flicking water with finger tips.
Me: Grabs her hands and rubs them together in the water adding soap as needed.
Her: "I'll just rub my hands on my shirt to dry them"
Her: Runs off to the lviing room for TV as long as I tirn the sink off. If I don't she'll just play with it.

It's like this with EVERYTHING. Getting dressed. Using hte toilet. For somethings I do yell because I need her to comply because it's not something I can jump in and take care of. I weigh 100lbs and she weighs 50lbs, it's hard for me to jump in and MAKE her get on the toilet. Likewise it's hard to MAKE her get into time out. So often I have to yell at her. IT's not abuse, I refuse to believe that, but it's not good either.

When she is on my kindle or watching TV I give her oodles of warnings that her time is nearly up. I HAVE found I fair better with telling her something like, "TImes up, give me the kindle" and getting that done and then saying "time to get dressed" rather than saying "give me the kindle BECAUSE it's time to get dressed" Seperating the two events definately helps a lot, but doesn't solve the whole issue.

Anyway, this is one of the aspects of our interaction that I'm really hoping to get help with and is a big part of why we started seeing a psych in the first place becuase hse does the same things at preschool and actually got kicked out of one.

It's the fact that the mother does end up yelling in the end and he has to hear the yelling all day long. He feels that his mum hates him and that he's a bad person. He feels that he's a disappointment and an embarrassment to his mother. He doesn't feel loved at all. He feels like a piece of crap right now. He feels that he has no safe place to turn. He wakes up every morning and he knows that his mum is going to be yelling at him all day long.

I apologize about my original post. I came across as being an ignorant jackass. I felt like I was being attacked from my own mother when I read the original post. I was very blunt in the way that I responded. I had to walk on eggshells around my parents, in order to try not to piss them off. I said it like it was and I couldn't think of anything else to say. I've also deleted my original post because I feel really guilty about what I've posted and I wish that I've never posted in this thread. I feel like a horrible person now. I'm never posting in the Parenting Section again. This section brings back painful memories and it's best if I stay away from it in the future.

My heart is racing right now and there's a lump in my throat. I'd better go.

crap double post.