Dealing With Grandparents

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I've been searching the web in general, the Wrong Planet forums, and the WP Parenting Index for this topic, but haven't really found anything. I am sure somewhere out there someone has discussed this! I don't have any books that talk about this, so here goes . . .

My parents are visiting right now for the next two weeks. (My son is 5) My mom has been pretty supportive. She has done A LOT of reading up on Aspergers, etc. She has asked for me to tell her what to do, how she can be helpful. My father, on the other hand . . . the only way he really related much to us growing up is rough play and MAJOR teasing. The problem is, my hyper-sensitive Aspie son does not understand teasing and can not process it like other kids. So, when grandpa playfully grabs his spiderman mask off his face, we are talking MAJOR meltdown. Grandpa has not said much about what he thinks of the whole Asperger diagnosis. However, it's obvious by his defensive response that he thinks our son is just undisciplined, spoiled, etc. He thinks Chiropractors are witch doctors, thinks OCD is an excuse, and pretty sure he thinks Aspergers is a hoax.
I am pretty sure that my explanations of how to interact with my son are going to fall on deaf ears. 'Dad, explain things to him in advance. Tell him what you are doing. Don't get physical, he doesn't like touch.' I am sure basically my father (I've known him 39 years) is going to think--to many instructions, too much trouble, forget about connecting with my grandson.

I know there is a point where you just have to sigh, give it up, and not expect anything. However, is there anything YOU have done that has helped with grandparents, particularly helped explain things to them or 'bring them around'.
I am NOT good at being straight up and frank with my parents (spent most of my years terrified of their opinions, not exactly healthy, and mostly over it, but still hard to be honest and not wince under their responses).

I have the 'Can I Tell You About Asperger Syndrome' book. But that's not so helpful if my dad believes Aspergers is not real. Hard to look at this objectively--I'm too tied in, so would love to hear your objective thoughts on those 'necessary' grandparent visits and surviving them!

Well, let's see. Rough play, major teaser, won't follow your instructions on how to deal with your son, doesn't believe in the facts and reality of the Autism spectrum, and is quite happy to keep his mind closed to any input on it. Uh, is there any chance you could just have your mother over, and not your father? Really, you should minimize contact between your father and your son.

Your father sounds like a toxic person. Not all toxic people are deliberately mean or manipulative. Some are just people with faulty views, who refuse to budge on their opinions and beliefs, no matter how obvious their errors, and no matter that they are hurting someone in the process.

I know your son isn't faking or misbehaving. I had similar troubles growing up, and am in my early 50s now. Back then Autism was not known, although it existed. We were considered to have emotional/behavior problems, and/or to have discipline problems. It was falsely believed that the right combination of discipline and therapies would "fix" us. None of that ever did me any good. You can't fix a neurological problem that someone was born with that way.

I have trouble processing input and output. I also don't like being touched, but can force myself to put up with it within the family on occasion. I really, really, really can't stand being teased, and was tormented mercilessly by the other kids, and even my sibs, when I was growing up. I also have most of the other spectrum traits. Based on my own experience, I recommend that you minimize contact between your father and your son until your father opens his closed mind, and stops with the rough play, the major teasing, the calling for discipline, and the foolish belief that it's all a hoax. Tell Grandpa that the price of admission to your marital family is a change in his attitude towards your son and about Autism.

I feel your pain. My dad is similar to yours in some ways. My dad is completely set in his ways and nothing anyone says is going to get him to change his mind. (In fact I suspect he could be an Aspie himself...)

You're in Korea, right? I think you will have to "re-direct..." take your dad out to see the sights, sample the food, etc and try to limit the free time around your son.

Sounds like your mom is on board - would he take your advice anymore to heart if he heard from both you and her?

I've asked both sets of grandparents not to tease and they have been pretty good about it though our position is a bit different because there hasn't been any question in any of their minds that our son's autism is a very real condition. Would he read or watch the movie about Temple Grandin? She is a very successful person who is also profoundly affected by autism. Her descriptions about how she experiences the world might be something that he can relate to a little better. Sorry, I can't really think of any other suggestions.

I haven't had much success with my FIL., So no advice there.

However, I do think (despite your difficulties with it, which I understand) you need to stand up to him, and tell him not to that. You don't even have to bring up the autism. Just say "-Son's Name- doesn't like that. Please stop." You do not have to be autistic to hate teasing and rough housing. The autism makes it that much more unpleasant, but shouldn't be required for your side of the issue. The point is if he knows your son is not enjoying it, why is he doing it? It sounds vaguely sadistic to me. You need boundaries. I definitely would not allow unsupervised time with him, especially if your mom can't get him to lay off, either.

Is your dad the kind of guy who would respect the rules more if your husband were to have a man to man talk about laying off the teasing?

My other thought is maybe you can give your dad something constructive to do with his grandson -- building legos or whatever ties in with his interests.

With people like that I have discussions with my son about how to come talk to me and let me run interference. I also makes sure he has a safe place that is off limits to everyone else. I encourage him to go there and have some fidgets, soothing toys, and distractors (iPad). We also practice scenarios and use scripts on what to say/do. I may not be able to get some people in my family to stop teasing, being sarcastic, and poking/tickling/grabbing, but I put my foot down and will step in when needed. It helps that my 6'3" husband is over sensitive to tickling and remembers it as pure torture, so when he tells someone to stop, they usually listen. I have learned to turn a deaf ear to all the defensive rebuttals, because they are too self-centered to be sensitive.

I have the same problem with my mom! She actually said it out loud....he told me she doesnt think my son is on the spectrum....that he is very clever and knows how to manipulate us! When I give her info she says its just some ones opinion.....doesnt mean its applicable to our son! My son understands a bit whats going on so hetold my mom once or twice...she must stop doing a certain thing...he doesnt like to be touched...that he has aspergers and thats just the way he is.....she almost freaked out! Saying he is using this as an excuse for being terribly rude and undicciplined!
I havetried over and over, begged, screamed, explaind, cried....NOTHING will get through!
She did admit once that the reason she doesnt believe this is because she denies it....that its to difficult for her to accept it.....Maybe your dad is not ready yet, emotionaly to accept it...The more you are going to push.....the more defence you will get....Maybe give him time....If he doesnt want to stop his behaviour......try and keep your son occupied somewhere else.....give him permissionto come and tell you he is sad or mad with his grandfarther and tell him how many days is left of their visit....Also give him nonverbal cues to show you he needs your help or intervention. Tell your dad what activities your son enjoys and give them maybe structured time together?
There is a saying that says: " Don't try and explain something to some one.....they will only hear what they want to hear".
The sad thing is.....when my son overreacts towards my mom, she says he is rude.....she cant do anything right, he doesnt like her....And then withdraws and ignores my son whenever he try and make peace or interact with her.....So she punishes him for his bad behaviour! Its very stresfull and very sad!

So, we did this today. And actually, somehow it ended up working to great benefit. My son was not having such a great day. Yeah, sight-seeing in a big crowded city not exactly his thing. He wasn't being terrible, but he was 'spacing out', mumbling numbers to himself, walking VERY slowly criss-cross (which is what he does when he's shutting out the chaos around him). I have a 3-year old too--and I think my dad finally saw how hard it was on me . . . and how stressed my son was. (Now, my son loves the final destinations, the museums and such--it's just getting there). And I THINK my dad saw that my son wasn't necessarily being defiant and yet wasn't really connected with the rest of us. Anyway, I won't say it was a major breakthrough--still have to keep my eye on things and be vigilant--but grandpa actually wasn't teasing and 'fell back' to the rear to try to help watch out for my straying son in the crowds. Before today, he'd only seen my son in his comfort zones.

I do need to be clear to my son that he can tell me when anything bothers him--even with grandpa. And I don't think my husband will step up to the plate to say anything to my dad--just not bold enough. But I think my mother definitely would help out.

I suspect three of my children--the 23 year old and the 10 year old twins--are Asperger's.

My parents' attitude, which they are quite happy to tell anyone, is that I simply don't discipline my children. My oldest is struggling with many things in life, and my father's answer was to tell him he's a failure and tell me I'm a failure as a mother.

It is one of several things that has led me to go no contact with my parents. Some people are open to listening, but my parents are in their 70s, old school, everything is about discipline and character, anything else is just an excuse and refusal to admit your mistakes.