15 year old son hates living with us, should I let him go?

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My son has Asperger's, diagnosed at 8. He has had anger and depression issues forever, it feels. He also has is extremely bright, but it seems he uses his intelligence mostly to prove himself right and make others around him feel stupid. (Unless they are his flavour of the day, then he uses it to amuse and impress.) As his mother I feel constantly drained trying to be the shield between him and the rest of the family. My 16 year old daughter feels she has always come way behind him in priority, and feels it is very unfair. My husband (his step father since he was a baby) tells me he feels the the family is being torn apart by him and causes him (my husband) to be depressed.
I feel I don't get support from his school, although I've tried to stay in contact with them regarding his education and progress I rarely get responses. Any promises made re his progress monitoring and reporting to me have not been followed through. He does struggle in some areas, but is bright enough to achieve well in others if he tried and had some organisational guidance. However, he wont accept this from me.
It seems I'm only useful if he wants something and for everything else I'm a useless idiot. He turns to my husband whenever he wants advice or help with his computer, but other wise says he hates him. My son says he hates living with us and wants to move out.
I'm beginning to feel that holding on to him and trying to keep him in a family situation, while getting an education against his will is fighting a losing battle. I'm using so much emotional energy on this I don't have anything much left for anyone else. If I wipe my hands of him, he could collect a living away from home allowance. His 20 year old cousin and 2 friends would probably let him move in with them if he paid his way, but they are underachievers who are very happy to collect centrelink benefits with no plans to seek employment as they like their lifestyle. Other than this, they are very sensible trustworthy boys.
If I let my son do this, I'm worried he will blame me in later years for not having the opportunity to get a proper education because I 'let' him give up. If he stays with us, I have no idea where to guide him for his future or even if I should try, as I doubt he'll put in much effort, then it will be my fault for 'making' him follow the wrong path. Are there any other Aspie's out there who have felt the way my son does who could enlighten me on what it is he may actually be wanting/expecting from me that I'm obviously not achieving? Any parents in similar situation? I'd love to hear from you as I feel I'm going crazy. PS His father has no interest or intention in taking him on, I've asked.

In my experience, letting your son without preparation on his own is a recipe for disaster. He is likely to end up out of school, thrown out by cousins and if he has very little support, he might end up homeless. 15 is just too young for it.

I think he is just showing the typical teen reaction: "I want to be adult but I like your love and attention".

I think a better way would be to push him to stay less at home and to find activities to socialize more. Boredness and depression can increase the situation you're explaining.

I, too, think 15 is way to young for an unprepared teen to be on their own. Even if they were NT. I also don't think his behavior is that out of the ordinary. Lots of teens think they have all the answers. Heck...I'm pretty sure I was one of them. IMHO, we are parents whether it is easy or hard. It is our job to prepare our kids for adulthood.

If he really wants to move out, then I'd have a frank discussion with him and say "these are the things you need to be able to do independently in a consistent manner before I will be willing to discuss you moving out." Then I'd work on teaching him the skills necessary for independent functioning. Shopping. Cooking. Cleaning. Paying bills. Establishing and following a budget. Holding down a job. Tell him you will help him as much or as little as he wants, but he has to show you he can do it.

I don't think most kids realize that being a "grown up" is not easy. No, there is not someone telling you what to do all the time. But for some people, that ends up being disastrous because they are unable to structure their lives for themselves. He needs to be prepared before he is left on his own.

Thanks for your responses. Every mother fibre of me agrees with you, but it does feel that the typical teenage behaviour coming in on top of what we have been living with for years may be what breaks the family. I do worry that putting the pressure on will result in him falling back into his suicidal ideas we've had a lot of issues with in the past. When he's with his cousin he's very relaxed - falls into their lifestyle nicely. We've tried activities. With bowling the other kids ended up quitting the team because he couldn't deal with anyone getting a better score, ice skating was fun when he let it be, and he basically got kicked out of swimming lessons because he wouldn't co operate with safety instructions. I spent a lot of time jumping into the pool to move or remove him (frowned upon by staff). We had a pool installed at home to take pressure off but he wont use it. Now we save these family outings for when he's staying at his cousins or no one else wants to go.
To be honest, sometime I want to be the one who wants to move out.

I agree with everyone else that this is teenage type of behaviour, not necessarily because of AS, although that could make it even harder. I don't have AS, but I was a rotten teenager, really mean to my parents, and I moved out at 15. It was the biggest mistake of my life and I wish my mother had had the guts not to let me. I ended up poor, dropping out of school, working full time at 16 in menial jobs. By the time I realized how hard it was to support yourself as a high school dropout it was too late, there was no one to help me anymore. It took me years of night classes to finish high school, and 11 years later I'm still working on finishing a university degree. I wish I could go back and live off my parents a few more years so I could have been truly prepared for life on my own.

I know what you mean. I left home at 15 because my step father and I didn't get along. I slept where ever until I wore out my welcome (I was slimmer then, too as food wasn't always an option) but don't regret doing it 'cause I couldn't have stood being there any longer with the alcoholism and violence. At 23, after being tired of menial jobs I went back to high school, then tafe where I studied for 4 years. This is the path that worked for me, certainly the long (and rough) route but staying at home would've been a disaster.
I made better choices when it was the right time for me, and after going without I know I've appreciated what I've achieved more than the average school leaver.
I guess this is one of my concerns, does he need to be out in the cold a bit to really see what the real world is about, to then be able to see what opportunities he really has now. I'd never turn my back on my children if they wanted or needed my help, I just feel as long as the idea of achieving anything is coming from me it is going to be rejected.

I have a 14 1/2 year old who is an Aspie like me and I can't imagine him going off on his own right now nor anytime in the near future. He just doesn't have all the life skills he would need for that. He is afraid to be out there on his own. He doesn't trust himself in the big world fully. We are looking into the Air Force for when he turns 17 to help him branch out a little when the time comes (his idea). My son says he likes the Military because of the structured way of life, the stability, brotherhood/family feel, the rules (he's a rules kind of guy). He was a Navy brat for 6 years.

Does your son have anyone in his life that he looks up too? Someone responsible that could help guide him just by being a positive in his life? Sort of like a big brother. Could your son handle a part-time job? Would he like the Military in a few years ?

Your situation sounds like it's been really tough for everyone involved for a long time. I think you could really use a Momma break! A little time away to collect your thoughts and breathe, even if for only a day or two. Have you tried putting him into one on one therapy? It would give him someone to talk to that isn't family or friends. Has he tried an anti-depressant? I'm not sure how you feel about giving your kids meds like that but I know even short term if you find the right one, it can help tremedously. The school situation really bothers me. Is he being bullied or anything like that at school and do you think he'd grow better if he were homeschooled for the remainder of his school years? How are his grades? Is he bored in school? If so, could he handle some community college classes?

Does your son have any hobbies or special interests? Where he can be left alone to just do what he does. I think the biggest thing for me as an Aspie is time to myself but not too much! I still need to be around my family. My son is the same way. He likes it when everything is quiet and he can just be...even if we are all here, we just leave eachother alone for a while. There's no talking, yelling, nagging, etc. He doesn't have to do chores or help his little brother out.

You know your son better than anyone. All else fails follow your gut instinct. Sometimes learning is falling down a few times, wiping ourselves off and getting right back in there. Communication is important. If he can't talk to you or your Hubby, find someone he can talk too. He probably has a lot he holds inside.

I don't think any 15 year old should be living on their own (unless escaping an abusive environment), honestly, I can't see how it can end well.

You might consider starting a thread or two about your biggest issues with your son, and see if the folks here have any ideas that might help.

To be honest, it sounds to me like you're describing most teenagers. I hated living with my parents too. They had nothing of interest to say to me, they were not remotely fun to be around, they made me go to school, clean up, it was HELL!

So think about it from that aspect. Most teenagers hate their parents, this is just your time. Grit your teeth and work through it, but don't let him go. Maybe instead of asking yourself if you should let him go, instead look at changing your tactics of dealing with him instead. Try and do some things he'll respect, like ask him to teach you video games, if he's into them. He'll probably make you feel like an idiot while you learn, but again, surely that's normal teenage behaviour!

As for school, can you setup a rewards system? My friend said his father used to reward him for studying. For every hour he spent working on homework, he got an hour video game time. Or whatever works for you.

I don't know if your house is like this, but is it a "chaos bin"? That is, are there phones ringing, TVs blaring, appliances going all the time? That is what happened with me and my parents had a no clue how much it was acutally tormenting me. Turns out they were hard of hearing and liked all that going on. If it is going on in your house, it could be that your son is "decompensating" most of the time before anything becomes an issue.

I don't think living with the "burnout" cousins is a good idea, as he will fall into the "trap" and not do anything with his life.

What does he do that you have to be the "shield"? Tell him not to do it!

Oh, and do try to somehow arrange a break for yourself.

I am concerned about the bored in school as I have found out that is a sign of a bad school district. The high school I went to wsa like that, and now it turns out it is one of the lowest rated in PA. Turns out also, once you move into a bad school district, its hard to move out.

I so wanted to leave home at 16 because I was miserable and hated our puppy who always peed all over. My brothers always had friends over and had too many parties. My parents didn't care about my anxiety and I wanted the house to stay clean and my parents refused to make it look like a palace. I was also being a spoiled brat and my parents refused to have me be calm by doing everything my way so I be happy. But I had no job then and there was no way I could make it on my own because where would I go? Plus I had no license either so I couldn't drive. I would say this is all typical teen behavior your son is doing. He is at an age where he wants to be the boss, have everything his way. Typical teen. It's like second toddler hood because toddlers are also like this but then it comes back when they hit their teens years but they don't throw tantrums. They go through it differently because their emotions have matured and their feelings too. Plus it's also about becoming an adult this time and wanting more freedom. But because I have anxiety, I acted like a three year old when I go through it and the meltdowns I would have. It's also normal for your son to feel you don't love him nor care (if he does feel that way). But I am sure an aspie goes through this differently because of our immature emotions and anxiety and also the fact we tend to lack friends and not go to parties. So it be about other things and for me it was all about too much noise and wanting a clean house, not about boyfriends or girlfriends or parties or make up or wardrobes like typical teens. I also hear lot of teens also need counseling because of their emotions changing and what they are going through. You don't need to have a mental disorder to go see one.

Mom told me she also wanted to run away too when she was a teen because she felt her parents didn't love her nor care about her. Her mom always get angry with her and she never went to any of her concerts. Only reason why she stayed was because she had a roof over her head and had food fed to her. Now as an adult she sees it all differently and sees her mother was very busy and had six kids and always had to cook and back then you had to start from scratch. She had no time to go to her kids activities. Plus she just assumed her mother didn't care, she never came and talked to her about it. I don't know if she was a SAHM or had a job.

My NT cousin who lived with our grandparents in her teens was always threatening to move out and live with her father if they don't let her do what she wants. Then one day they told her fine move out, she wants to live with her father, go. Her eyes went wide. I think she did move in with her dad but ended up coming back because her dad could not give her the needs she needed because he couldn't afford it.

A 15-year-old can't live independently. Why are you even considering this?