How do I help my teen with asperger's with his social skills

Post Reply New Topic

My son is 14 and he has high functioning asperger's. He has very poor social skills. We have had him in social skills training but that did nothing to help. He never wants to listen to us on what he needs to stop doing that upsets people he tries to make friends with.

He has recently joined a social site group that shares his same interest and I just found out that he has been kicked off because he was "too much" while on the site. Posting comments constantly, pestering the new "friends" constantly with "goofy (cleaning up what was actually said) stuff" and just being "over-the-top." The best I can explain how he is around his friends is intense and too much- too soon. He gives no personal space.

No matter what I have said to try and help him fix what upsets others he doesn't want to listen. I know he gets depressed because of being so socially isolated because he has a very hard time keeping any friends he makes. What more can I do as his parent to help him? Do I back off and hope that he learns eventually what he is doing that upsets other people? He keeps asking the "friends" he made on the social website what he had done wrong to upset them and some of them gave the above answers I provided but nothing concrete to let him know exactly what the issue is. What more can I do to help him?
Thank you!

well I'm 14 years old but I'm a girl. I toattaly get what your son is going though.

try to explain to him the definition of "over the top". My guess is that hes coming off as over-attached/clingy/or creepy, and since we aspies have are hard time reading people, he doesn't know that. Try telling him at least 2 or 3 days in advanced if he's going to an 'out of the normal' social event. (like going to see a movie with friends,not something like school)

does he have a special interest? Mabie let him join a club with people with the same interest. There more likely to get him then any one else.

mabie he knows what he is doing wrong, but he doesn't know how to apply the correct thing to everyday life. I know this is the case with me sometimes, and my parents get frustrated because they think I deliberately do said thing wrong. I have a hard time expressing my self verbally so they don't know that I have no idea how to apply the correct thing.

I hope I helped.if he needs some one to talk to who get what he's going through, you guys can message me

The book Quirky, Yes. Hopeless, No goes through a ton of topics relevant to teens. Maybe you or he could read it.

I think what is wrong here is its all being put on him....I mean the thing is the individual with autism is not always in the wrong. And especially if he's dealt with bullying then to him he probably feels like he's being told he deserves to be mistreated by other people because he's different from them. However if he doesn't really get bullied then that is not so relevent.....but the thing is even if your kid messes up socially that does not justify bullying....and sometimes wording it like 'well if you didn't do that people wouldn't call you names and ostracize you.' can make it seem like your saying that to the person going through it.

I mean yeah if he does things other people find upsetting then he does need to learn to avoid that......however he probably also needs it acknowledged that its ok if he's a bit different and I would also recommend not putting to much importance on things that don't actually upset people. For instance if he has difficulty with eye contact I maybe wouldn't push so hard about that I mean I am 22 and still have issues with that but there is no way to make the discomfort eye contact causes go away so I gave up on that one. However if its something like being too blunt and hurting peoples feelings that would be something to focus on working on.

I mean maybe social skills training isn't the right thing....have you tried maybe getting him therapy, maybe a therapist could help with some of this in a less demanding way than some social skills trainer. Because I think some of it could be the initial communication issues with autism but...since its caused him depression and such from not having friends that probably complicates it some. I mean I could be wrong I just feel like he might not be getting enough support to kind of cushion the constant 'your doing this this and this wrong.' I mean it can be very frustrating to feel like you're always wrong and can never do anything right...which if anything can make one more irritable.

Here is a bit of a spin-off on fefe's suggestion...My son seems pretty much typical most of the times, but he does somethings that--while are not technically wrong in any real way--make him stick out. And oftentimes he gets teased because of these things and it is really upsetting to him because he wants to fit in. What we started was a "things that make me a target" campaign and we started talking about things that he does that, while not hurting anyone and technically not "wrong," make him stick out in a bad way to his peers. At first this whole idea was morally abhorrent to me because if he isn't hurting anyone, he should be able to do whatever he wants. I mean, who cares if he is interested in things other kids his age are not? They should just leave him alone. Anyway, "should" and "will" are not the same things and his behavior was hurting someone--himself. So, I started pointing out things that made him a target and explained to him that there was nothing inherently wrong with these things and that he was not wrong for liking to do them, but that he had to realize other kids would think they were weird. It was up to him to decide if he wanted to do them around other people or not, but he was always safe to do them at home.

I will have to say I am surprised by how well it worked. While I initially felt very bad about this whole thing, in effect I have empowered him. He has more control over his social environment now. He is, on a whole, much happier. And, he still does some of his "weird" things around family. I love that about him.

Another thing I can suggest is anything by Michelle Garcia Winner. She has a wonderful way of teaching social skills. I know for my daughter, it opened a serious door for her. She used to be prone to throwing tantrums (not meltdowns). For example, if she lost a game at school, she would screech and yell and stomp around the room. In her opinion, she was not hurting anyone else, so it shouldn't matter that she did it. She liked doing it and she felt she should be left to do it as long as she wasn't hurting anyone. Trying to tell her otherwise just made her mad. "Who cares if I stomp around the room?" In one of Michelle Garcia Winner's programs, she learned that the way she behaves causes other people to have thoughts about her. As soon as she realized this, the stomping, screeching tantrums pretty much stopped. Because she had a logical reason not to do it.

I don't know if this is related or not and may not be a welcomed comment...but when my son was younger he had very severe ADHD and he had no impulse control at all. He was constantly too close to other kids. Too intense. Simply too much. He was on meds for his ADHD for a few years and this helped him a great deal. First of all, he was simply less intrusive. Second of all, it gave him enough focus to learn some social skills. I don't know if this applies to your son or not and in general I am strongly opposed to medications in kids, but I have to say it was an enormous help for my son. He no longer requires them, but I don't know what would have become of him if we wouldn't have tried.

Good luck.

I really like the book, A 5 is Against the Law. It is written from someone with AS to teens with AS. It helps them to rate behaviors with the help of family, friends, teachers, therapists etc on a scale of 1 to 5. one and two are basically "normal" or typical, while three is okay/good, but different, four is could have negative consequences, and a five is against the law or gets you in big trouble. It does a good job explaining some typical social experiences new to teens, and also how expectations change as we age.