Raised by Aspergers parent

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Just thought I'd add I was very cautious with my Dad's visit Friday and it went rather well. The biggest problem I noticed with me trying to make things easier on my Dad is that my daughter doesn't respect him as an authority figure. He'll tell her in a manner that if anyone else said something like that I'd think they were joking that he wants her to not bite him, or to stop hitting her and she laughs and he laughs too, but I also know he means it. Anyone have any suggestions for how to explain how to treat someone with AS to a three year old? It's not that she means to be too rough but her Dad and I will play with her rough and she knows by the tone of our voices when e want her to knock it off and when we are playing. My Dad has none of these skills, and I don't even know how to explain that to her. She has a friend who is AS but their relationship is very different because the little girl doesn't interact much with my daughter, and my daughter does her best to involve her because she knows the girl doesn't know how to play without help. But it's completely different problem.

Also I saw in the resources books that look helpful if I had a child with AS, or a partner with it, but is there much their for dealing with an immediate relation with AS?

ps. I had coffee ready for my Dad and made him a separate breakfast from us since he's now decided that eggs upset his stomach and that seemed to also really help. I even managed a conversation with him about the Higs boson which was fun and he pulled up a nova episode on his laptop for my daughter and she enjoyed it! It's weird adjusting to this though. As I've said before I love my Dad but I never realized how much he _can't_ be normal and isn't just trying to make my life hard.

The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome is a big read, but there is a lot of information in it that generally applies - maybe you can find it at the library? Also, the books by John Elder Robison are about him, mostly as an adult.

Not sure how to help a 3 year old understand pragmatic speech issues, since developmentally she doesn't have a grasp of them, either! If she's receptive, you could try talking to her about how Grandpa is a little different, and the words he says matter more than how he acts. Otherwise, you're probably going to have to jump in and mediate.

My father is an Aspie, I am one and my son certainly has many traits but still unconfirmed.

My mother's social life was non-existent, possibly due to my father being an Aspie, there sex life was also non-existent (kids know!).
Our family always seemed to be functioning in "Survival Mode", not a lot of "I love you" or hugs in the household, just a lot of cold, calculating functioning.
Lots of pushing through problems, endless toiling and making it through to the next day, stiff upper lips etc...you'd think we were all flightless ducks! *aflack*
My dad, he had a lot of unusual rules that came with harsh punishments if not followed to the letter.
Yes, my dad hated loud noise, laughter and the like as well...a trait I also share in. Shhh....please keep it quite!! !
The dinner table was often silent, you would get scolded for showing too much joy, laughter or looking at another person's dinner plate, complaining etc.

My Dad, he had this amazing mind (much like yours truly). He worked in an auto-wrecking yard (primary job)...not so glamorous I know.
He held a HUGE database of knowledge and no doubt the reason his company grew into the success it is now, because he was their modern cataloging system.
He knew what the tail light, windshield and door glasses looked like for every make and model (foreign or domestic) from 1967 up to 2001+ just by sight!
Detectives would show up asking for his expertise carrying fragments of a busted tail light, in short order he'd rattle off: "oh yeah, that's a 1982, Buick...blah-blah"
He was also a chef to various Mexican restaurants, much like me he was very skilled in a wide-range of areas with great foundational expertise in all of them.

He worked tirelessly, day and night to provide for his 6 kids, he may not have been the most affectionate but you knew everything he did was for your benefit.
No matter how bad the arguments got w/his wife, you knew they would always make up and he would do the best he could to maintain the family.
His devotion to his work, his many proud accomplishments of never missing a day of work, never being late, never disappointing in the functional aspects of work and daily responsibilities was unparalleled. He was a champ where he had the ability to do so!

Sure he never hugged, held or showed his family much affection, he didn't know how...I didn't know how either, even with my own children.
Today he's more cheerful, his smile lights up a room (mine too when my wife or kids trick me into smiling), he's great to be around but usually retreats into his solitude.
My parents are still together, yet they live apart, they still love each other as a married couple (odd right!?) I often wonder if this too is my fate.

While he lacked the ability to express affection openly as normal folk do, he did not lack to show and work his love the best way he knew how.
Thanks Dad! I love your gutz PUBLICLY! XOXOX

Sweet post!!

I do hope you've abandoined those strict dinner rules with your own family. My family bonds so much laughing and talking and sharing at dinner. It is everyone's favorite time. AS husband and son (who do not care much for noise) included. But some AS do have sensory issues a family dinner can mess with ... Knowing hopefully helps everyone adapt.

Your parent's future is only yours if you want it to be.

Both of my parents have autistic traits, but one especially. I have two mothers, but one is a male-to-female transgender, so I'm related to both of them. On my "father's" side: we both rock our heads (I do it more often than her), we both have social anxiety and hate crowds, we both are very logical and pragmatic, and we both tend to engage in brief, whirlwind obsessions. My other, biological mom is much more neurotypical, but still exhibits some aspie traits: the most striking being that she will always speak her mind. She is also extremely pragmatic, and she has lost a number of jobs in the past because of simply not doing things the way others were, or for questioning the status quo. I definitely inherited this quality from her- fortunately and unfortunately. lol

I love thinking of the ways my parents and I are similar to each other. I happen to admire them a great deal, and think that they're heroes among a long line of other hardworking parents of kids with autism.

I am sorry to say that I now hate my Aspergers parents.

They both have Aspergers undiagnosed. They migrated from India to Australia in the 1960s and me and my 2 sisters grew up with no extended family, only having my aspergers parents to rely on. They did not like us to mix with others (I guess for fear of being discovered that they were not capable as parents). They also did not like to mix much with the Indian community, only at a distance and moved us to an Anglo Saxon suburb of Sydney, so that we would be isolated.

From a young age, even from being a baby, i remember my mother always distressed at having to look after me, feed me, change me, wash clothes, cook etc. She would always swear at me and put me down as a baby, yet when others were around, she was very sweet and quiet and seemed obedient. She was aware that she could not beat me because the police would take her children away.

Alot of people put her and my father's struggles down to being migrants with little support. But looking back, other parents in the same situation that migrated adjusted relatively well, being able to drive, find and keep a job and socialise with others. My parents found all of these things very hard, of not impossible. Unfortunately, they had not counted on having really smart, normal daughters. So over the years, they did their best to put us down, undermine our confidence and isolate us from others as much as possible.

I have memories of being a baby in nappies, and getting my bottle from the fridge myself because i did not want my mother to yell at me.

Yet when others were around she would be sweet as pie. She would always talk badly about others, she spoke badly about my father to me and I grew up angry with him. She spoke badly about me to my father and he thought I was a bad child. I wasn't. I loved her so much, as all children love their mothers. I hate her now. I am 44 years old and I hate her. i will never be alone with her again because even last week she would say mean nasty comments to put you down and then later deny them, claiming dementia or old age. No matter what you do, shower her with time, attention and presents and love, she will still put people down. She is horrible. The problem is my parents think that they are normal and that everyone else wrong. There is no convincing them of the truth, and they emotional suck you dry.

That feeling of always being on guard or defensive, or never feeling safe with them since I was born because they would freak out or attack you verbally for no reason. My sisters and I were sent to our rooms all the time just for existing. For us, it was safer to be alone in our rooms.

I watched as my father deliberately and subtly tried to ruin my sisters arranged marriage as he put her husband down repeatedly whilst he was living with us. Then he could not believe that my sister's husband was fighting back, as a normal healthy person would do. My father forced my sister to have an abortion too. My sister is still married and has 2 kids now, and refuses to believe our parents are anything but wonderful. I think she has Aspergers too.

I then watched as my father subtley and gradually undermined my own husband's love and respect for me and there was nothing I could do. You see, my parents appear so respectable and quiet, but the damage is subtle and powerful.

My father was always jealous of me: As a young girl, i was very clever at school, very social and popular and also good at sports. This made my father angry...all the things that he was not. I also was confident and assertive and was not able to be bulllied by him like my 2 sisters were. So I was not a nice person, he concluded. Oddly, at school, work and with friends, I bloomed and flourished...whenever I achieved major success, including having a successful doctor husband that adored me, my father became jealous and would say and do things to put me down. It became obvious to many, including my husband and his family, that I was not well cared for in my family and comments made by my father were designed to mock and humiliate me. Whenever I was happy, my parents were around to cast a black shadow over me and my good fortune. And of course, i was not strong enough to resist that given my lack of nurturing from birth. So I succumbed and wonderful opportunities past me by, along with my good husband.

I hate my Aspergers parents because I was bullied by them. I have seen them bullying my gentle nephew when they are alone with him, then when my sister is there, they are so sweet and nice. I think that they are self serving socio paths. I used to feel sorry for them and want to care and protect them. But they never cared for or protected me. In fact, several times, they threw me to the wolves to save themselves. When I really needed help following my marriage breakdown, my father seemed almost smug and he made comments to me that I will nevere forget or forgive. For 8 years after that I tried to establish some sort of relationship, until I realised just how cruel they really are and that they enjoy seeing others suffer. I think they are truly mentally sick. Perhaps not all Aspies asre such, but my parents take delight in their childrens problems. Their minds are dark and negative and they always view everyone in a sinister way. So they must have sinister minds themselves.

They have this expectation that their children will look after them, but they have never looked after their children, apart from basic food and shelter until you can work. My mother refused to look after my younger sister when she was born because she claims she was too ill, so my older sister had to care for her. In the meantime, no one cared at all for me. i was 7 years old when my younger sister was born and feel like I raised myself since that age. My mother always wanted to have someone care for her so she hated caring for anyone else and complained endlessly about everything. She was fat and dark and ugly, by no means a princess deserving of pampering. She was fat and lazy and wanted to watch TV soaps and eat junk food.

The main thing I hate about my asp's parents is that they constantly put us all down for being stupid, lazy or unattractive. Yet, we three girls are attractive, intelligent and hard working. They don't see that. We all graduated with Economics and Law degrees from Uni of Sydney. My mother is so dumb, how can she have the nerve to put us down? I think they have tried to ruin intentionally so that we stay with them and look after them...how horrible for a parent to be like that.

As a child I was lucky to have very good Australian friends and I spent alot of time with their families, holidays, fun activities, overnight sleepovers. I really admired how their parents cared for them and looked after them. They had nice dinners together and they spoke to each other nicely. They were able to talk to their Dad, we weren't. He would tell us to 'go to your room' if we spoke to him. We got so use to him being mean to us, that we thought it was normal for a dad to treat his kids like that. It wasnt. Once he apologised to me for yelling at me whilst I was driving us to the station. To be honest, I did not even think that was unusual and was surprised that he apologised.

My parents are old and will pass away soon. Yet, they will never honestly acknowledge their mental condition and will always blame others for things that have happened and others are wrong and they are always right. I do not think i can forgive them for putting me down every day, not helping me when I was physically ill or in hospital. I find i odd that my sisters do not think their behaviour is strange, then again I think they might have a touch of AS aswell.

I wondered why they had no real friends and relied heavily on their daughters. Socially, I noticed that people would think they were odd, particularly Indian women would mock my mother. She really is profoundly intellectually disabled. She woudl also make up alot of stories to try and fit in with other Indian women, but people can tell. But she still to this day at the age of 80 has no clue about her mental condition. She thinks she was and is really popular...she is not...

My dad's mannerisms have always been weird and i think he does know that he is different, so he stays away from people and he is def embarrassed by my mother. he tells her not to talk which used to anger me, but now I agree with him. Asp'es make people feel uncomfortable because of their social awkwardness.

I wonder if I will ever be able to forgive them? sadly for me, my ASp mother was my sole carer and support person growing up, so I grew up with her anger and distress and her punishing me for being a gorgeous, smart, curly haired little girl. She was horrible to me, then sweet in front of others. I thought everyone's mum was like that. They weren't.

My sisters are different. My older sister was born in India and my mother's mother cared for her when she was a baby. My mum told me that all she did was breastfeed, they would not let her look after my older sister. And then my younger sister was cared for from birth by my older sister who was 15 years old at the time.

Sadly for me, the only person caring for me was this horrible, mean aspie woman, who was cruel and nasty one minute and then ok the next. Yelling and screaming, then quiet, i realise now at the age of 44 how much damage she did by her emotional/psychological abuse. I lived in fear and distress from birth until going to school when I started to mix with other nice people. My mother always made sure she pleased my father though and was well behaved when he was there.

My success as a high profile lawyer has saved me but can never give me the self esteem I lacked as a child of an aspergers parent. This is why I hate Aspergers.

Proudpisces, I am sorry to hear that you've had such a rough time with your parents. It is hard to tell what comes from what: possible ASD, cultural differences, personality, other undiagnosed conditions. But it definitely sounds like your mother was not capable of raising children and actually knew that, just that unfortunately for you, you were born at a time she didn't have someone else to help her.

It sounds like your parents have never been diagnosed. Is it mostly the anti-social behavior that leads you to conclude ASD?

I do want to address one comment you made in particular:

I can tell you with 100% certainty and clarity that no, not all Aspies are negative and suspicious or sinister, not even most, and most would never take delight in their children's problems. Just like with any other human being, Aspies come with unique personalities, and many are happy, positive people ... just happy, positive people that prefer to be alone or where it is quiet, and so on. But, there can be a side effect to growing up misunderstood and different from the rest of the world, and for some that does mean a darker side develops. One of my big goals with my ASD son was to build from the naturally happy and positive infant and toddler he was, to make sure that the world didn't steal that from him. It has been harder than I would have liked, but I think he remains a pretty happy and positive person, and having grown up knowing why is he different (unlike people in your parent's generation) has definitely helped him.

So I guess the question for you to consider is this: what were your parents like when they were very very young? Did life change them, or did their mindset mold their lives? If it is the former, you might find a path from which to forgive them. If it is the later, then I'm not sure what you do, as I don't know what you use to hang your forgiveness on.

I do hope you have or will spend some time with a counselor to help you sort through your feelings. You can't change your parents and the things they did that hurt you, but you do have the power to put that behind you and make your future better than your past.

thanks DW for your kind words of support. yes, at the age of 44 only realising this over the past few years and realising that I have AS type problems with relationships etc ie trust, fear etc, and perhaps some learned AS behaviour which I amm slowly overcoming. I probably do need some counselling. Its frustrating because I am not sure whether counsellors are really familiar with AS. It would be great to start a support group in Sydney for children of AS parents, but people are so lacking in information here (unlike US) and really have no clue as to how to handle AS and its issues.

I think the cultural issues gave my parents an excuse to be different and isolated, sadly for their children. But is suspect they left India and a large extended family because they knew they were different socially and did not fit in with them. They rarely

I did try counselling a couple of times after my divorce but found it horrible to rehash events. But I now can attribute every hardship and failure to mty parents, partic my mother ( falling ill with auto immune condition, then getting better when I reduced contact with them to the sock of my doctors, my marriage and divorce, my leaving a high profile legal position due to lack of confidence). Often we have a voice inside our heads telling us that we are not good enough or that we can't do some things, but my voice was my mothers stating it to my face when we would have private conversations. Then of course, she would deny it. So perhaps on top of her AS, she has some personality disorder issues. You would not know it to look at her as she is sweet as pie. Unfortunately, i think she did see me as her possession to play with and she really could not care for me. I am not sure why I stayed close to her for all these years, perhaps out of habit or pity or even a unconscious sense of power and manipulation that she has over me.

I have instituted some distance ie reduced/minimised contact with them and I will not be seeing them for awhile. I think this will help my recovery, but its really tough because I am single and flying alone. Also, my sisters are not open to hearing about this. I suspect that my older sister also AS and she keeps her distance from me perhaps because I have mentioned the word and have some professional experience in the legal field with intellectual disabilities. her teenage son, who was a normal lovely sensitive young boy, has now become withdrawn and depressed and clings to her only. It reminds me of how I was with my mother and the sad thing is that I know she is emotionally abusing him because of her AS and I can't intervene, because they all have AS and stick together as a gang.Its horrible to see and I am sad for my nephew. I have tried to mention it but of course, AS is undiagnosed and they dont' understand so dismiss me. My younger sister lives in New York with her husband and young child so she does not see what I see.

Once you become familiar with AS, the signs are obvious: they are very awkward socially, they look at you like you are weird because they dont understand you, they imitate what you say so you think that they understand, they dress really awkwardly, little ideas about fashion or social things, they are very quiet and talk about childish things, like "that's person is fat", they are uncoordinated and not good at sports, they don't have much activity or interests, they are like to dor routine work and have no imaginative outlets, they are formal in conversation and lack warmth and humour, they are angry and controlling in private but know how to behave in public, ie keep quiet and restrained, They dont form friendships easily and stick to the family, They dont have good relationships at work. They are full of delusions about their past and their life and their abilities. they love to associate with important people but these people dont like them or know them. i always felt sorry for them.


So I have decided to leave my family and start at the age of 44 my own new life which will belong to me and me alone. Oddly, I have always been a positive strong willed person so hopefully i will meet some nice people along the way in which to share my life. I realise now that everyone who has come into my life before this time, boyfriends, husband, in laws, friends, doctors, clients, work colleagues, have actually been trying to tell me or show me the truth about my life. Like my parents, I was living in a state of denial because they are always pretending, but sadly that turned on me to being the weird one. And I was the weird one in my family, because I dont have AS ( I discussed this with a psychologist a few years ago)

Perhaps I was not ready to hear and acknowledge the truth before this point. And guess what, I hear it, believe, accept it and it all makes sense.

I know I have to move on without my family and make my own choices without deferring to their opinions.

Perhaps I will go back to counselling and see how that pans out. I would really love to connect with other children of AS parents in Australia. I think children of parents with mental illness or intellectual disabilities need some support.

One of the foremost experts in AS, Tony Attwood, comes from Australia, so I would hope that translates into some informed outlets being available to you. Keep looking.

Sorry I can't offer anything more concrete than that, but I'm not in a whole other part of the world and, thus, clueless on what is and is not actually available where you are.

While I realize the focus in this thread is your needs and how to help you sort through them, I do want to discuss this paragraph of yours:

In this, you recite a lot of misconceptions that we've spent a lot of time on this forum dispelling, and can see clearly as parents to AS children are not true. There are athletes among our children, many many highly creative minds (my son among them, plus many authors, screenwriters, artists, directors, etc) and lots of wicked senses of humor (my son also among them, plus some well known comedians). A few AS individuals may even understand and care about fashion, if it becomes a special interest of theirs. And so on. The key to a diagnosis is the inability to read social cues; the rest may tend to come along for the ride, but isn't always there. My son cannot spend time with a person and intuitively know what they need, want or are trying to say. That was true when he was an eager and highly social, people oriented toddler ignoring personal space and other social walls (not that it mattered then, everyone just thought his inappropriate behavior was adorable), and will probably always be true, except that with years of services he now knows he has to look for the non-verbal cues, and he has been taught what they mean.

One of the confusing things about AS and diagnosis is that it is often co-morbid with other conditions, like anxiety, OCD, depression and various physical conditions (my son has disgrahia/hyermobility and hypotonia). Even sensory issues, which seem to exist for nearly everyone I know with AS, are officially co-morbid. But those are still separate conditions. Just because someone clearly has the co-morbid, does not mean they are AS. Further confusing things is that individuals with AS encompass a wide range of personalities, that can exist separate from the AS. And so on. Certainly when dozens of clues start adding up it can be indicative, but it is difficult to "know." Someone can easily be shy, have physical issues, and suffer from depression without being AS, even though they are likely to outwardly appear AS.

Also, just in the way of terminology, we like to think of AS as neurological difference, and not a mental disorder.

Anyway. I know that doesn't really help your situation, but I think it is important to converse accurately on the topic. You will find the ASD community a lot more receptive to helping you find the answers you seek if you know their language and assumptions. As it is with any community, right? Speaking the language always gets you further.

I am sorry you've had a rough road with your family, but understanding why it existed and finding a way to make peace with it will help you find your better future. I wish you the best on that journey.

proudpisces, I wanted to add about Autism not being a guarantee for all the negative things you experienced. I'm sorry you had to go through that but it isn't the autism in my experience it's a lack of education. A lot of what is done now with autism is to help children integrate with the rest of society. It's not that they are negative or bad, it's simply they think of things differently.

It's hard for me sometimes with my Dad for example. The other day we were driving in heavy rainy conditions and a car next to us almost rear-ended someone and it scared me. I told my Dad that I'm scared of being rear-ended I've already been rear-ended four times in my life and that's more than enough. He said to me "I wonder what I person has to do to get rear-ended that much." He didn't mean it the way it came across to me. He didn't mean "Boy you must be a really bad driver." It's the way his mind works, he doesn't process emotions well so he wouldn't think anything about how that might make me feel bad, he just looks at it as if it is a logic puzzle; something interesting to figure out. Because of emotions I found myself saying things like twice I was in someone elses car. And all four times we were at a complete stop. But these were defensive and he made the statement with no intention of attacking me personally. It's tough to deal with it and I'm not saying you should let your parents harm you, but if you can realize if it is autism it's very likely not an intentional thing. It's like their filters aren't set the same as ours. It's like when my Dad came home once and I was making myself lunch and he said to me "At least we don't have to worry about you being anorexic." That's a hard thing to hear as a teenager but he wasn't calling me "fat" he wasn't attacking what I ate he was voicing what to him was a logical thought in his head not an emotional thought.

I would definitely keep working on therapy because these things can be damaging to someone growing up who is not autistic in an autistic family but if you can realize that at least in the case of autism it is more of a matter that they don't speak the same version of English as us, they don't process things the same as us it can give you a different view point, and perhaps a place to understand, if not forgive. Also forgiving does not mean leaving yourself open to being hurt anymore, it just means you aren't going to carry around the hate and poison anymore. Because even if they did these things with the worst of intentions (and that would make them something other than autistic, they might be autistic too but that wouldn't be the cause of those bad intentions) you are letting them keep hurting you if you carry them around inside yourself. Hate is far worse for you than your parents. Your hate will hurt you way more. Don't speak to them, don't deal with them but don't waste your energy on hate.

This is a wonderful thread! I haven't had time to read through the first 19 pages, but I read enough to feel some comfort and validation.

Yesterday, for the first time, I shared my suspicions of myself having AS with my father. He knew nothing about AS, didn't even know that it's a form of autism, but his reaction was the best I could have hoped for. He immediately recognized the symptoms in himself and had sort of an "Ah-Hah!" moment when realized that there's an explanation for his behavior. He went on to agree with me about my suspicions that my mother has it as well, and that this family dynamic created a very dysfunctional atmosphere, but insisted that they love me and were just oblivious and unsure of what to do about it. I'm now facing the same challenges as he and my mother did, as I married a man who has AS and we see that our son most likely has it (he's too young to know for sure yet). I'm just so thankful that awareness of autism is high enough now for me to have been able to figure out what's going on and make some sense of all of this.

I was neglected growing up, not in horrible ways, but in ways that are still causing me issues. For example, I needed glasses throughout my entire childhood, but did not get them until I was an adult and took myself to the doctor. My parents would give me soda when I was thirsty, but not teach or enforce teeth brushing, and only took me to the dentist when I was complaining of pain. I was very under fed, and poorly fed. My parents could not make enough money to clothe their children properly, but were too afraid to reach out for help unless they literally could not clothe us, which did happen. The rules were very enforced, but were constantly changing according to my mothers constantly changing views of the world. She didn't realize that she was supposed to notify us of these rule changes though, so I was punished and feeling confused and guilty all the time. For years and years my mother was afraid to leave the house or drive for many years, but insisted that her behavior was normal, which caused me to doubt my perceptions of reality until this day. Both of my parents had frequent melt downs, and my mother in particular would just shout the most horrific things at me and my siblings during them. She would also shut down frequently, locking herself in her room for hours and hours, leaving us kids to fend for ourselves. Eventually my mother became obsessed with a very specific brand of Christianity, and would openly and proudly admit that it was more important to her than her family. To this day, it takes the first place in her life, and I'm stuck trying to figure out a way to tell her that I don't believe what she believes and that I don't want her talking about it in front of my son (it's literally all she talks about, so I don't know how that could ever happen). I could go on and on about the abuse and neglect, but you get the point.

Now that I'm an adult, with a family of my own, and I'm starting to face the exact same issues, and am coming to an understanding of my parents behavior - my only real wish in retrospect is that they sought help. Instead they did their best to make things appear find and well on the outside, and told me constantly that they were providing a wonderful life for me and that I was very ungrateful and spoiled. My father admit that they knew all along that this wasn't true, but he thought it would be better for me to believe that I had a good childhood. What he didn't understand at the time was that I could plainly see from a young age that something was wrong, but over time I was brainwashed to believe that I had imagined it.

Thanks DW. Didnt mean to offend or cause upset with my terminology. I am intimately familiar with the medical/psychological assessment of intellectual disabilities and mental health disorders, having worked as a legal member of two Tribunals in this State (NSW) for 8 years, and I have come across many people with Aspergers as clients and as parties to Tribunal hearings. It is my understanding that people with AS are on the autism spectrum, so some can have mild mannerisms or some can be more severe. Medically speaking, I guess I have always understood AS to be a developmental delay, ie autism, which is categorised as an intellectual disability/impairment in Australia "legally speaking," except that a person with AS is verbal and is able to learn to function. However, I think alot of ongoing support and intervention is needed for AS people to manage their every day lives.

The interesting thing is coming from an AS family is personally seeing the effect on a young non AS child (me) of lack of acknowledgement or awareness of the limitations AS brings. My parents were so focussed and concerned about themselves and finding people to help them that they never really cared about their children's wellbeing. They even expected their three daughters to look after them as a priority and you were "good" if you helped them and selfish and "bad" if you pursued your own life goals such as education, friends etc. We children have basically unwittingly taken on a parenting role for our parents. This has been very draining for me and my sisters. Like an autistic child, they just keep demanding our attention and help regardless of what we are dealing with in our own lives. They are unconcerned as their needs come first to them. Always have and always will...

Dawnfire and DW, you will be pleased to know that I have started counselling to release this stored anger I have towards my family and already feel that some of the burden of my childhood is lifting. So apologies if I was over emotional is my previous post...but a recent family event was like the straw that broke the camel's back. And this blog was a great place for me to vent

I realise that when your parents constantly criticise and attack you on a personal level, ever since you were a baby/child, you become angry because they never feel sorry or even understand why you are upset. And then the anger turns inward, you develop depression and become physically and emotionally ill.

Lady Katie - I can really relate to everything you have said in your post. I totally understand how you feel. Being brainwashed , made to doubt your own view and perceptions because they would feel that their perceptions were right and the world was wrong...being abused and neglected. Falling ill was like a criminal offence in our house, my parents used to get so angry and yell at having to take us to a doctors appointment. I stopped complaining and took myself to the doctors alone. I recall having an operation when I was 21 and as i was lying in the hospital bed vomiting after having a reaction from the general anaesthetic, I could hear my father yelling "She has to get up and fight it!! !" and the nurses tried to calm him down.

I had the flu once and was sleeping/lying down. My father hated seeing us lying down or sleeping and he used to stand over us and yell at us to wake up. This one occasion when I had the flu, he yelled at me to get up, so I got up, went and sat up at the kitchen table and then fainted/blacked out. He was surprised but I dont think he ever believed that I was sick.

And yes, like you Lady katie, I too could go on and on about the sort of behaviour my AS parents displayed, all the while blaming me if I would get upset or angry at what they have said or done to me, stating that I was a bad tempered girl etc. This also has caused me serious issues concerning self esteem, confidence and self doubt. It has held be back in all areas of life and I honestly do not feel that I can rely on anyone to support me in life or help me etc. Whenever I would need help or support as a child, my AS parents would freak out and go into a panic. They just did not know what to do....I could turn to no one and still do not turn to anyone to help.

Given that I was surrounded my AS parents and an AS older sister growing up, I have always been attracted to and felt more comfortable with AS men (without knowing it). I married as a man who behaved like he had AS too. I became deeply unhappy, stressed and ill with his constant verbal put downs, criticisms, mocking and personal attacks. He also was a very clever man ( training to be a surgeon when we married) but never used to look me in the eye, never laughed at all, quite negative about people etc, alot of the traits of my AS father. Like my AS parents, my husband knew how to behave in public, he was very very quiet. He used to blame me for everything. My AS father used to speak badly about me, mocking me to my husband and they used to enjoy seeing me upset. I could never understand this but I can now see their limitations in social skills and communication. My AS father was very jealous that I relied on my husband and used to cause all sorts of problems. He probably just could not control this part of his personality. Had I known, perhaps I could have handled my AS father and AS husband better and I would not have had to endure a painful and traumatic divorce. But the pressure and control my AS father placed on my marriage, wanting to be involved, all the intrusive questions, the mocking etc. the very very bad advice about dealing with in laws (my As father told me to ignore my husband's family and not talk to them too much ! !! and I listened!! ! stupid me as this is the worse way to create good relationships). I just could not win if I included my family in my married life or if I kept them at a distance....The irritation, anger and annoyance my AS father causes me runs very deep.

Its sort of like not having any parents at all to guide you as a child, to teach you the social norms and how to function in society with relationships, work etc. I have had to figure it all out myself with the kindness of strangers along the way. It is quite confusing not having 'normally developed' parents. So many issues to grapple with...

Lady katie - my mother is also obssessed with God/Jesus and religion and talks on and on about it. Have you see the movie 'Carrie' with Sissy Spacek? I always used to joke to my younger sister (not AS) that I thought our mother was like Carrie's mother...but actually its not so funny considering the deep seated emotional damage she has inadvertently done.

And yes, we kids were always punished and yelled at for doing nothing wrong. Growing up, my AS father used to tell us three daughters we were all stupid and that we were not good enough. We all went on to study Economics/Law at Uni of Sydney. I was awarded Honours. My younger sister was DUX of her school. Still to this day, we doubt our capabilities and feel that we are not good enough.

We were routinely sent to our rooms when our AS father got home from work. I thought it was because he hated us and could not stand being around us. This made me feel sad and angry. He wanted us to sit in our bedrooms alone and not talk to each other. He would get angry and suspicious if we laughed or talked on the phone, or made friends. Once I was eating chips on the couch and he freaked out at my crunching noises and told me to get away from him. He was so angry at me. But now I realise that having AS, he preferred to be alone, could not stand noise or talking etc. But I grew up thinking that I was awful and he hated me. He has tried to tell me in recent years, in a very sarcastic tone, that I am his 'favourite daughter'. Perhaps in his advancing years, he has some insight into his bad relationship with me and is trying to make amends before he passes away (he is 80 years old). I also look alot like him and have been successful in my career. So I do know that he has some pride there. But the tone is sarcastic and the words sound scripted/rehearsed, and I feel that he is mocking me. Maybe his communications skills are such that this is the way he speaks. To be honest, the way he speaks gets under my skin, even when he is trying to say something nice. So no wonder as a person with AS, he was unable to make friends, socialise or get along with work colleagues etc. I think he always envied my sociability and popularity but at the same time resented it. Eg, I used to play netball and I was made Captain one year. But he took my trophy to make a copy of it for one of his Indian group activities, and he broke the logo on it. he never acknowledged this or apologised. He just gave me back the trophy, dismissed the damage and said that does not matter. This would happen alot. After working in a major law firm in Sydney, I was given a bottle of wine as a present and I had kept it aside with the thank you tag on it. Later he just took it to open it without asking me and lost the tag. I told him that I was keeping it as a souveneir of my work experience and he just dismissed me and said you have to open wine otherwise it goes bad. It was a really good bottle too!

I had a special talent in art and painting in high school and was painting something for a school exhibition. My parents were admiring it and my older AS sister said that she could make it better by doing something. I trusted her and she painted a brown bridge through the painting which ruined it. I had to rub it all out and start again. Lucky it was with oils and came off easily. But I thought it was weird because she generally did not talk to me at all and was very quiet and withdrawn. I thought it was nice that she wanted to be involved with something I was doing but she really wanted to interfere with it and make it look bad. She could not help that impulse.

There have been alot of occasions when I have tried talking to my parents abouts such events, and they deny it or claim that they do not remember and that I only remember bad things. But to be honest, there was no good things to remember that involved them in my childhood or my adult life.

This blog is fantastic and I hope that there is more attention paid to AS and the effects on partners and children of adult AS persons. I have seen alot of similar situations, particularly with women who have unknowingly partnered with an AS man. Partners of persons with AS or a mental illness tend to develop depression and anxiety as time goes on, unless there is intervention and support for all parties. Managing an AS adult, either as a parent or a partner is indeed a heavy burden to bear for a non AS person and can have devastating effects on the non AS person mental and physical health. Children of undiagnosed AS parents are particularly vulnerable as you do not develop the self esteem, life and relationship skills, or confidence in your own mind and capabilities.

But the first step is diagnosing and admitting to the problem. Then it can be dealt with and managed.

I love this blog because if the dialogue starts, understanding follows and the healing can begin....

Best wishes to you all

I know I am quoting a really old post, but this is so meaningful to me because I could have written it myself. I always knew my dad had Asperger's, and it's just hit me that my mother may as well. I believe my brother has some AS traits, though I'm not sure if he has it himself. I think that I exhibit a number of AS traits, many which were picked up from my environment, but am more NT than anyone else in my family.

The reasons I suspect my mom has AS are very similar to the poster above. She's not a naturally warm person, is face-blind, and has no sense of direction. I think she's learned how to show warmth in certain situations, but it isn't an organic feeling. I recently discovered my mom was face blind when she ran into a close friend of mine who she's met several times (and who I talk about all the time) and didn't recognize him. My friend told me that my mom didn't recognize him and I was shocked, then I realized how often my mom doesn't recognize someone. The reason my mom has no sense of direction is because she is (I think) unable to focus on the traffic and read street signs at the same time because she can't process them simultaneously. She is very nervous driving in an unfamiliar area without someone in the passenger seat giving her directions. She once had to drive 45 min away from where she lives and called me 3-4 times to give her directions.

I, on the other hand, have driven in an unfamiliar city by myself while eating, listening to music, and talking on the phone and not gotten lost (probably not the safest thing, I just mention this to illustrate what I now realize about how differently my mom and I process our environments.) I really, really regret how hard I've been on my mother about her anxiety while driving. I didn't realize how different an experience it is for her, and now that I understand I can be more patient and supportive.

I could go on- it means the world to me to have found this board. I've never before found people who feel as I do, and reading everything here has already helped me understand my parents more. I think there are both positives and negatives to being raised in an AS family. Reading everything here, honestly, reminds me of the scenes in the Wizard of Oz and Pleasantville where it switches from black and white to color. I finally feel that the way I was treated had nothing to do with my being 'bad' or 'wrong', but that my parents just don't see situations the way I do.

My parents did an awesome job providing for me financially, spending time with me, and instilling in me the value of academic education. Once of the coolest things about my family is that their idea of bonding is sharing information regarding their interests. A few years ago I finally discovered a hobby/interest that I really enjoy. While I would never expect my family members to care about my hobbies, my mom has made an effort to learn about this hobby and she gets so excited to tell me she's learned something about it. I realize that her doing that is her way of showing how much she loves me, and that I can connect with my family by asking about their interests.

However, when it comes to learning to handle social situations, hard emotional times, and practical life skills- I've been on my own the entire time and raised myself. The tougher the situation, the more quickly my parents run away and leave me to handle it myself. I always thought they didn't care but now I realize that they don't know how to deal with things like this.

I think that if I want a great relationship with my parents, it's up to me to come into their world, and they're never going to be able to connect with me in the way I wanted. This board is showing me how to connect with them, and I'm so appreciative.

I'm new to this, and ever so grateful for this topic, as it's something that has effected every portion of my life. I'm not quite ready to go into great detail but it will suffice it to say that my experience was nearly identical to proudpisces'. I felt my whole life like I never really had parents (which is hard to explain...) as they were there for the pure logistics and anything above bare minimum provisions was just not in the picture. My non AS brother calls it "raised by robots". It's actually very true.

While a diagnosis for my father (my mother has passed, not sure 100% if she was AS, but she was definitely OCD, Anxiety and a TLC TV show level hoarder) has certainly given me a lot of answers, I'm trying now to repair my self esteem (not sure if that's even possible) as others have noted it really does a number on that... and to unlearn some of the behaviors that I was socialized as. Meaning, I was socialized in a very sequestered world where I wasn't exposed to other people and their families so I had NO IDEA that the lack of emotion, constant terrorizing, and continual anger and never being good enough was not a normal thing. I was socialized to think that the AS world was normal (everything is in black and white, routines are of utmost importance, rude is fine.... etc). The problem is that I am not AS (verified!) and that goes against everything that is innate in me and causes a lot of problems and cognitive dissonance when dealing with the world. It also produces some pretty amusing moments though - when I was about 18 a friend's mom was driving us somewhere and pulled into a gas station to get a diet coke. I was flabbergasted. My jaw dropped open in amazement. I had never, ever, in 18 years seen anyone deviate from a route. In my family, if we were going to point A, we were going to point A. Period. It didn't matter if you were bleeding, or needed a bathroom, we were not stopping. I couldn't believe people actually stopped for something to drink. It was truly a defining moment of my life.

Anyhow it's hard to tell what's normal and what's not - if you can imagine being raised to think and behave like a person with AS when you are NT. I'm just all tangled and confused, and not having a real way to explain it to anyone or define it for the last 36 years. Especially as a kid when you don't even know that is not the way the rest of the world is. And the irony that they probably felt the same way about the regular world that I feel about the world they created for me is not lost on me......

Thanks for listening. I thought I was the only one!

Just like any others who have posted here, finding this discussion thread has been potentially life-altering. I wish there was more available for the specific problems faced by a non-Asperger's child raised by a parent/parents with AS. My father didn't mean to hurt my brother or me, but much of what he did was incredibly damaging. My brother got it worse than I did-- partly because he was a boy and so had to spend more time with my father, partly because he had lower grades and so was a disappointment, and partly because he was perhaps a bit more sensitive. Both my brother and I have had trouble forming relationships as adults, partly as a result of this.

My father has very high expectations, knows only one way of approaching anything (the only correct way, which we are supposed to intuit), still yells at us if we do anything wrong, is unable to listen to people and only speaks in a monologue... Of course, this can sometimes be funny-- my father made up a diagram of how his sock drawer should be arranged, which was a humorous (though sacrosanct) document, and I have many funny stories about his inability to judge his audience (he has terrified all of my serious boyfriends by lecturing them for hours-- generally on nuclear physics), but it was also terrible. Everything we did as children and teenagers was wrong. Helping him was a nightmare. He was obsessed with gardening and when I was a child, we would have to help him every weekend to prune 1/4 of the 37 juniper bushes in the front and backyard (there was a strict rotation). I remember the terrible fear that every second of the few hours I was with him entailed, because it was impossible not to mess up. There were so many variables after all-- how we positioned the clippers, how we put the branches into the trash can, how we folded the plastic that we set out around the bushes, how fast we could follow his lead.... Every few minutes, no matter how careful we were, something would go wrong and my father would explode. We lived in eternal anticipation of these moments-- my stomach hurts whenever I think about the.. And then, of course, although he loved us (and still does, and is even occasionally proud of us), he never ever listened to a word we said. There were occasional pauses in conversation-- but never any actual listening.

This doesn't mean, of course, that everyone with AS is a bad parent (although I do wish my father had not been part of my life, I also understand that he cannot help who he is)-- frankly, if you're on this site and concerned about your parenting abilities that argues that you're probably a pretty good parent. But I don't want to get into any long arguments (as there seem to be many on this particular thread). As far as I can tell, after a bit of preliminary googling, there are quite a number of resources for people with AS, people raising AS children, and people with AS partners/spouses-- but I don't really see anything for people like us, raised by AS parents. I'm not thinking so much about books explaining the behavior of AS parents to their children-- the only thing I have found is _Something Different About Dad_-- which given, where I'm coming from I can't really deal with right now-- but something about the problems that we have faced, and how we can deal with their later effects. Does anyone know of a book (or something else) like this? Or other places where we can talk?

I think Tony Attwood may have addressed it a bit - he is one of the best known AS experts in the world.

There are specific discussion forums where children raised by AS parents vent, but they tend to be (IMHO) overly negative places; it would seem to me to be better to find balance, understand the pros and the cons and, as you noted, the humor. A lot of the negatives that get mentioned in this thread actually come from something other than AS, and sorting those distinctions out can be helpful to your making peace with your father. It isn't easy. We've got generational differences, cultural differences, issues passed on from grandparents, mental health issues and more any combination of which can get wrapped up together with the downsides of AS.

It was like a light bulb moment for me when my son was diagnosed as being the spectrum, realizing it was genetic: I knew: that was my father. But my son isn't going to be like my father: he has awareness, and he lacks the life frustrations my father had to experience from never really being understood. My father was a product not only of his AS, but also of a world that didn't understand the AS. He had a rough time.

I am glad you see some good things, like how your father did love you and did his best. Hopefully you will find a way to deal with the bad things. I wish you the best of luck on your journey.

And I am very glad you've found this thread helpful. I know you aren't likely to make Wrong Planet home, but I love knowing that the community has put something out there that is helpful just a little beyond the community.