Should we force our aspie kids to socialize?

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KimJ
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03 Mar 2007, 12:15 pm

RE kicking the car seat
it depends on your child's age and development. My son did this when he was non-verbal and it started when he panicked over where we were driving. He was deeply entrenched in taking particular roads to specific destinations, when/if I changed a road or added a stop, he'd kick the seat, arch back and scream/cry.
Later on, he fell back on that to express anger that he wasn't getting his way. That was bratty behavior that was stopped immediately. The other was a developmental one that we coached/waited through.
At 7, he hasn't kicked the car seats for over a year or so and he is to be quiet in the car. We generally solve disputes before getting in the car. When he was newly verbal but still having issues with schedules and routes, I'd write a cartoon schedule out.
9:00 Breakfast <cartoon of son eating breakfast>
9:15 go in car to park <cartoon of car, son, adult> <cartoon of us at the park>
10:30 go home <cartoon of car, clock display>
etc
With an aspie or older autistic child, a written schedule/log (without pictures) works fine. I think relying on schedules and clock-watching reduces anxiety and increases trust.



Goku
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03 Mar 2007, 12:48 pm

I disagree that kicking the seat is bratty behavior. My son used to do the same thing when he was younger and we disciplined it every time, consistently. Of course, that didn't stop the behavior from happening. Once he developed better self-control with age, he stopped on his own. Is it because he stopped being a brat or that I suddenly became a good parent?

The ability to control your emotional responses is a developmental stage that everyone goes through and considering AS is a developmental disorder.... Human development is haphazard - everyone develops different things at different times and at different speeds.

For those purists who don't want to attribute this behavior with AS, fine, but from what I've read over the years on forums like this, it's not at all uncommon. Sorry.

daisydiana - re: forcing socialization - I always got mixed messages on this issue. My son's neurodevelopmental pediatrician says don't force, but keep offering suggestions or activities you think he'd be interested in. In the past, my experience with forcing always ended badly and made the next attempt more difficult.



solid
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03 Mar 2007, 1:57 pm

no way should they be forced to socialise but to go to social skills groups is the way to go


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daisydiana
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03 Mar 2007, 2:51 pm

It is so hard to tell the difference sometimes whether he is being bratty or he just is showing his anger and he really doesn't want to go or he is anxious i dont know. I did read that kids with aspergers are often viewed as being unruly bad kids when in actual fact they are expressing themselves and trying to get your attention. I know a lot of kids do that so that is why aspergers is so hard for people to understand because of the way it presents itself in our children. He is a good kid and he shows a lot of remorse when his anger is gone and he realizes he hurt mom or sister. So i think deep down that he cant help it. He crys he is so sorry. He is on 2 types of ritalin and he still has meltdowns on a regular basis. Mostly at home. At school i think his teacher is firm with him and he knows he cant intimidate her, i try to be firm but it doesn;t work. Maybe i'm doing something wrong but it is so hard to know how to handle it. He is only diagnosed for 8 months and the doctor he only sees every 3 to 4 months, even then i feel rushed at his appointment and i can't get to say what i want to. I don't force him to go places, i don't think that is fair but i am so worried that when he gets older he is heading for failure. I guess all i can do is take it one day at a time and hope for the best. Thanks for listening.



Goku
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03 Mar 2007, 4:25 pm

If it makes you feel any better, my son is always perfectly behaved at school, but at home, it's another story.

His therapist once asked him why he doesn't have tantrums at school but does at home and he said it was because he wouldn't know what to do at school if they didn't tell him, but at home he knows what he wants to do.

I think I finally got the teachers to believe that I'm not crazy and that home is his safe place where he gets to decompress and be himself. Unfortunately he needs so much down time that there is very little time left to do what needs to be done, not to mention things he might want to do. Can't wait to be done with school!



daisydiana
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03 Mar 2007, 7:51 pm

It is good to hear that my son is'nt the only one that behaves at school and not at home when i tell them what he is like at home it's like they don't believe it. He does have a few problems at school, being argumentative, a little rude, and defiant but they say it is nothing too serious and when he gets home it is like he is a different boy. I don't know if it is me or anything i am doing wrong but he like you said decompresses himself, it could be because he is expected to stay seated at school and he can't let out his true self.



Happy13
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03 Mar 2007, 9:00 pm

While I agree forced socialization may not be beneficial; I have seen positive results from belonging to a MOMS club. It has some great benefits for everyone involved: I get to have some adult contact :D ; Xander gets to be around other children without being forced to play with them; the NT children (which most of them are) are exposed to neurodiversity at an early age before learned prejudices develop; Xander is fascinated by watching other children play and sometimes socializes with them of his own accord (especially if they are playing with cars, trains or are coloring) and he usually has a great time. We just leave whenever he's ready.

Xander does attend a preschool; he actually rather be there than at home. He loves the little girls in his class (he has a few personal space issues). His verbal and social skills have really improved since starting school (Xander has been diagnosed with moderate to high-functioning autism; he has severe speech delay). He had no expressive verbal language when he started; however, he now expresses wants verbally(sometimes too many wants, but what are ya' gonna do, he's 3) most of the time. His tantrums and stimming are much more infrequent now that he has an easier time communicating his desires; he only does either when he's tired or needs to soothe himself.



hale_bopp
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04 Mar 2007, 10:35 pm

Yes and no.

It can work, but a lot of the time it doesn't.

I used to get forced to socialise. Sometimes I had a decent time, other times I hated it. My parents were very pushy in that respect, hated the fact I was not like other kids and wouldn't be shy about telling me over and over again how my behaviour was unnacceptable and if I was normal I would be out playing with them.



marytherese
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08 Mar 2007, 1:35 pm

It depends on what they mean by socializing.

I have found our area Logan Center( a local organization that addresses children with special needs) has a relatively new Autism Center. What a great place to be!! I am fortunate enough to have found a teen group that meets every friday for kids with ASD. So my son is able to socialize with kids like him. Somewhere where HE feels safe, comfortable and at ease. He isn't the odd ball out....like attracts like. They also have support groups for parents and kids programs thru young adult.

If they don;t have anything like that in your community try reaching out and finding parents in your area with kids in the spectrum. It has changed our lives and boosted my two sons self esteem!!


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08 Mar 2007, 2:35 pm

If you read my posts (I am en una isla, I forgot my password to that account) you'll see that I do not believe in forcing or even heavily coaxing AS kids to do things they have a natural aversion to.

However

This is something I have struggled with tremendously with my son. We homeschool so he doesn't have a built-in outlet to meet non-family people. But it's even worse... not only does he have no interest in making friends outside of his family, he doesn't even want to leave the house. Not even to go in the backyard!

So here I am with this homeschooled kid (and of course people are always whispering that homeschooled kids never socialize enough) who pretty much never leaves the house! I feel horrible about it. I have to practically beg him on my knees to get him to come with me to the grocery store.

And it's not just with me-- when he's at his grandmother's house, he's the same. Never wants to leave the house, not even to go in the yard. He says he doesn't like the outside "Because it has such lame graphics" :lol:.

I did find a church he liked going to, but after a couple months in the sunday school he told me plainly that the kids there didn't like him, and that he's an outcast. So while I think I could bribe/ push/ cajole him into going back, do I really want him going somewhere that makes him feel an outcast? (Though I have no way of verifying his claim, I'm not allowed to watch the class, but I do take him at his word, he rarely lies.)

He is very, very close with his next youngest sister (who is NT). They are inseparable and are literally within 2 feet of each other all day, and they sleep in the same room. So I guess I should just be thankful that he has her, but this is something that weighs on me a lot.

I think, in the end, what is important is that they have close relationships of any kind, even if it is with a family member. So if your child is very close to you or any other family members, why is that less valuable than a friendship with a same-age peer? Honestly, in the long run, good familial relationships are more important than childhood friends.



Apatura
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08 Mar 2007, 2:38 pm

And let me add: I was forced to socialize as a kid and it really, really traumatized me (forced parties, forced conversations, forced family interaction, forced attendance of functions, gatherings, church, sunday school, etc). In fact I think being forced to socialize made me less social today, and I'm bordering on being a hermit currently.



nate_face
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08 Mar 2007, 5:55 pm

Forcing anyone, with or without AS, isn't the right thing to do 8O I would recommend geting your son to socialize a bit, but you have to do it slowly. You can't just get him out of the house adn do it all in one day, these types of things are really stressful. What we did when I was having problems with my social skills, at first i felt a lot more comfortable at my house, so my aunt would bring my cousins and their friends over to play with me, at first it was terrifying having strangers come into my house and use/play with my things. Then after that I would go to the park after school (kids usually stay there afterwards) with my brother and we would join in with other people. Then we would take walks around the block for a certain amount of time, and we would gradually increase the time by three minutes for every walk we took.

It's good to take things that he's interested in and find places that revolve around that, like if he likes to read go to the library, if he likes to play with lego go to a toy store and if he does it reward him with a new lego set or something. :)

If he lieks candy tell him if he goes to the grocery store and helps you with your groceries, he can pick out some candy for himself at the end.



Cecilia
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10 Mar 2007, 3:08 am

Hello,
I don´t think that it is helpful to compare asperger-kids to "normal" kids ( you use the term NT but beeing swedish I don´t know what it means ). My daughter has lots of problems that children without aspergers have not. I know that she hides some of her sides at school but she has to be allowed to feel safe enough to express herself at home even if she doesn´t know how to do it in a calm manner.

That said, offcourse she is not allowed to missbehave so that it hurts others. But it is not fair either to demand that she has the controle of mind and body that non- aspergers do.

When she gets really upset I cannot reach her and I have to wait until she calms down. Frankly, I don´t see the point in forcing your son to the mall or any other place were ther are so many people. Follow you gut-feeling, I think you can feel what would be a better place to start for your son to socialise. Some training is probably good like many others here have allready stated.

I didn´t like the word "bratty" that was used, that sort of means that the child is willfully missbehaving which I do not think your son is. I think he is trying to express his anger but he doesn´t really know how. I know my daughter reacts with anger when she doesn´t understand why things have to happen in a certain way.

Have a good day everybody. :D