I don't know what to do now

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I asked my friend and she talked her boy through it with the games and hitting his brother. She would use logic with 'if the games upsets you, you should stop playing' 'the game is meant to be for fun and to learn things, not to get upset' ' go slow and learn how the game works' all in a calm voice. With the hitting she said you would get between them and ask her eldest 'is he hitting you?' 'Am l hitting you?' Not sure if it will work for your boy but keeping calm and using logical comments/questions seemed to help her son.
Sorry for not getting back sooner, have come down with a head cold

I'm really stuck with what to do about this with my DS7, too. It happens with both video games and legos -- these loud outbursts of frustration. I'd describe it as fake crying, moaning, or a prolonged whine. It sounds different from his full meltdown, and it stops quickly and usually does not progress to physical (except for sometimes throwing the remote or lego piece). It also doesn't escalate to a full meltdown (unless we take the game away).

It's hard for me to see how talking about what zone he's in or whether a problem is big vs little is going to change this behavior. It seems to me that those thoughts would come *after* the impulse to scream, which he's already given in to. My current thinking is that impulse control just develops more slowly in these kids, and hope that it will get better as he gets older.

I have thought about trying to see if an ABA therapist could help him learn to play the games without screaming. (We tried 3 months of CBT and saw no changes in his behavior.) The group I thought was the best fit requires a minimum of 6 hours a week, though, and our insurance does not cover it.

Anybody have ideas on what to do when he screams? 5 minutes game timeout? Points and prizes for minutes played without screaming?

My son received his diagnosis at about this age, and it made a world of difference. As MomSparky said, you've been handed keys. You won't know how to use them right away, but you've got the start, and you've got it at a good time.

Information is power. Gather all you can, process it, start thinking about how it applies to your unique child and family. I like to recommend the book written by one of our ASD members for parents; it can be a tough read at times, because his parents did not have the information you will have, but it is a telling inside look at how someone with AS might view the world. Not definitive, of course, because each child and family is unique, but extremely useful. The book is free for download from ASDStuff.com ; I know the author has been planning revisions but with when his career took off over the past year, he ran out of time (which is happy news for him, and hope to us as parents, even if means we may never know what he wanted to update).

A few keys you'll want to try using right away are:
1) ASD kids tend to be very literal and precise. "Have you washed your hands?" can be honestly answered "yes" if they've ever washed them in their lifetimes. Never assume your child "knows what you mean;" he probably does not. Learn to speak accordingly, and to assess his speech accordingly.
2) ASD kids tend to be logic driven. While I do believe in issuing consequences for intentional rule breaks (which can be rare, often there is a misunderstanding per item 1, above), as that keeps your child's world feeling consistent, predictable, and true to it's word; the real progress is made in your child integrating the "why" for the rule. Talk often and break down situations after the fact when he is calm.
3) You'll do best for a while keeping your two children a bit away from each other, to the extent possible. Younger siblings are, simply, unpredictable to the older AS child, plus noisy and non-conforming to boot. They don't understand what the age difference means, and will see the younger sibling as getting benefits they don't. Well, that was the case in our household, at least. Until your child is old enough to logically comprehend his sibling's needs and actions, the sibling is likely to remain a huge stress source for him.
4) Find out what stresses your child and mitigate those stresses. Conform his world to his needs for a while, so that it is less confusing and feels safer to him. No one can develop, advance and learn well when spending full days listening to nails on a chalkboard, yet that is what life can feel like to someone on the spectrum.
5) Once your son is in meltdown, he is not able to control his behavior; its like his brain is now jumbled up and misfiring. You will want to learn the physical signs that lead up to the meltdowns and mitigate them before he gets there.
6) Most ASD kids calm and center using some form of repetitive motion or stim. To us, these are usually annoying and something to stop. To your child, however, it can be an essential way of remaining in control or on focus. Experiment with encouraging these behaviors, to some extent, although they can often be redirected (a child that chews on pencils, for example, is likely to be equally satisfied chewing on straws). Once you've got more serious issues under control, you can go back to working with your child on acting appropriately (ie holding back on the stims) in public.
7) Decide that your child's needs are going to take precedence over being places on time or getting good grades for a while. If he is stressing out while getting ready for school, it can be worth stepping back and helping him self-calm before leaving, even if that means he'll be late. If homework is not going well, adjust it. Etc. Unfortunately, these may be difficult if the school is not aware of your child's diagnosis and he does not have an IEP or accommodations. That will all be part of your evaluation on how to handle things with the school. My son's schools have been great working with us, but I know that is not a universal experience.
8 ) Spend time preparing your son for experiences. ASD kids get very set expectations in their heads for things, and cannot handle it when things do not go as expected. Knowing and truly understanding the alternative ways things can go is something it takes a lot of time to learn. The more stressed from life the child is overall, the stronger his need to control outcomes will be. See the potential vicious cycle there? That is why you need item 7.

Well, I could probably write a book and probably have over the years here, but hopefully the above will get you started.

Best of luck. It is a journey, but when you invest in it, you'll find it has been worth it. My son is now 15 and doing absolutely amazing. There are no guarantees for any us, and things could still change, but we gotten this far by seeking out information (read, read, and read some more - my choice was places like this) and paying attention to our child.

Realized I should probably add a number 9:

9) Realize that larger movements, not just small things, can be important self-calming tools, something an ASD child NEEDS to do. For my son, it is pacing; not just simple back and forth walking, but into and over furniture, arms acting out movements, voice creating imaginary conversations. We gave up on having anything resembling a nice home ages ago, and it has helped our son a lot. He's 15 and he still does it; I have no idea why he needs it, I just know he does. Other ASD kids might pick swinging or jumping. Sometimes taking a long walk with your child will help, too.