Spouses issues with AS child

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Ok, I wasnt sure how to word the title, but basically my husband has NO IDEA how to deal with our HF Aspergers son who is 7yo. I have asked him to attend support groups for parents with kids on the spectrum, given him dates and times but he is yet to go. I share what works and waht doesnt, but he rarely implements those things. Rather, he will yell and whine at my son, who in turn will yell, whine and cry back even louder. The 2 of them excelate and I ALWAYS have to intervene. If my husband wants DS to do something, I usually have to get involved, and I do so on my sons behalf becasue my DH will not approach him right, and it will always end up with my son crying or having a meltdown.

How do you deal with your AS child AND your spouse who may not be on board with the same techniques hat you use with your child? Or ANY techniques that work? I dont care if they are MY techinques or what I do, if he had his own that worked Id be beyond thrilled, but he doesnt!!

Is your husband your son's birth father?

I am an Aspie, and I HIGHLY suspect my hubby is too. But I think our daughter is NT. We both have our issues and try to do the best we can. I know if I were the DH, I would have issues attending places like that. Just because I am scared to death of new things, and especially ones where I might be even the slightest bit conceived as a bad parent. That I would need help at all. I wonder if that is his problem with not going? Mine would probably go, but he is just too lazy. That is his main issue that drives me up the wall.

Yes its his dad.

I am not sure why he doesnt go? He can make time to go to the gym after work a few times a week, but not for this. I think it is the lazy factor! I would LOVE to attend a support group, but I have the kids always.

My husband isnt shy and will go to a new place or with people and be sociable, so I doubt its that.

it is just frustrating when I finally have him around and could USE the help, USE the break, and it is actually WORSE casue I have to intervene more.

Thanks for answering my question, I believe it makes a difference whether it's your husband's son. I would not give this advise were it not so.

I understand what you are saying, your husband's way with you son is disastrous. But you always intervening will keep their poor relationship at the poor status quo. Stop intervening. Tell them that their relationship is theirs and that you are no longer going to interfere.

Your husband & son will never have a true relationship as long as you interfere. Yes, there will be yelling and meltdowns. But as long as your husband is not a total sadistic idiot, he will draw upon his own wisdom to find pathways to a better relationship with your son. He will find other pathways than the one's that work for you. (Yes, I know you are saying that he doesn't have that wisdom, but you have not allowed him the need to find it.)

You and your daughter should feel fee to go away from them when they're being terrible. (That's your break.) Let them cope with each other alone and often, they will find a way. And you will have given your husband the gift of a son and given your son the gift of a father.

Try it for three months (but don't tell them that there may be time limit or that it's a trial.) Nothing else is working. Allow them to think that they are in each others hands, now. Parent and child.

Some people take longer to figure it out than others. Some are more insistent that their way is the best and they need more empirical evidence before they understand.

If he is "sure" his way is the right way then he is not going to want to go to support groups because he does not see the problem. Also if he is Aspie-ish himself he may not like social groups. WP is as close as I would get to a support group, personally because I would have massive issues with the social component. Maybe your husband would deal better with books, articles and web pages?

Sometimes I have to remind my husband that his tone of voice is a problem, or the strategy he is about to employ is going to backfire. It is not too bad because he has seen enough at this point to know it; he just needs reminding sometimes when things get frustrating or he is in a bad mood for other reasons. I also need this sometimes, because sometimes the patience required is hard to implement. No one is perfect.

Maybe have a talk with him, when things are calm and ask him when he does (bad strategy #1) if he thinks it is effective. Then ask him the same thing for a strategy that does work and see what he says. If he acknowledges that one strategy works better than another, but refuses to do it because that was not how he was raised or some other issue, you'll have a better idea of what is going on. If he really believes what he is doing works, then you will have to demonstrate more clearly that his perception is wrong. You might have to accumulate data as things occur, to show him.

My father is an Aspie and I am an Aspie. I can assure you that he is the one I am least likely to call home to when I call my parents. I feel much closer to my mother than I do him.
I found my father to be supportive when it came to my basketball and soccer games growing up. He was the one that would take me and watch me play. I didn't always find his words encouraging when I played and sometimes the criticism I didn't receive well. I especially didn't receive the criticism well the one time he watched me play rugby in school as he pretty much humiliated me on a website he frequented to. I played teh second half and did reasonably well, but sat out the first half due to certain circumstances. he happened to have a picture of me standing around giving a teammate a water bottle and posted this online and said "This is what Michael was doing the whole game." There is the critical factor to consider as the kid gets older.
Of course, my father always had this mentality that he was always right and never wrong either. He certainly didn't like being reminded when he was wrong. And of course, arguments with him were simply a matter of him wanting to get the last word in and this is why he and my NT brother didn't get along very well since my brother was the same way. I also remember being yelled at more by my father than my mother and dad's ideas of punishment were extreme. And of course he would yell for what seemed like no reason at all and there were occasions I would scream back loudly and sometimes just pissed off with my dad. Any meltdowns induced were because I didn't want to give an honest answer to a question when he was yelling at me.

I am not sure if this experience will help for your child and your husband. I'd thought I'd give an idea of what things could be like for an AS child who deals with yelling. Things get a little more extreme during the teenage years and your husband will have to be level-headed for when that time comes.

The best thing for my husband (and, in effect, our family) was a couple of NAS training courses, which we attended together. Since then, he just seems to have gotten it. Prior to that, I was the one doing all the reading and finding ways to help, but he was stuck in his ways and wouldn't read or listen to anything I had to say. He used to get really annoyed with our daughter and had a tendency to raise his voice a bit too much (he has a strong voice and didn't even realise how loud he was). I honestly think his changed behaviour has had a big influence on our daughter and it's why she's made such massive improvements, in recent months. It's a pity your husband won't go along to anything like that.

Thanks all, I could to the step back and let him suffer idea, but I feel for my son in that case. Casue its my HUSBANDS fault for the spiral out of control. Then my SON will suffer for it, casue if my son screams and yells and has a fit them my husband will say he isnt going to bed with him or that my son cant sleep in our bed (that is like the worst torture for my son). Then I am STILL left to deal with the aftermath.

My husband doesnt have a strategy. he gets VERY annoyed easily by my son and will whine or yell or lose his patience very fast. My son is VERY hard to deal with most times, but if you remain calm and dont escelate with him, things are better. I tell my husband that over and over, but he just cant seem to follow thru. Also, you can stall or deay my son (like when he wants us to play Wii with him)> I can say, "Ok, you start. I have to do X, Y and Z and will be in there as soon as I am done!" that is ok for my son. When he asks DH to play, my husband will whine, "I dont WANT to play video games". And he doesnt, and neither do I...but if you give the kid a few miniutes he is happy! Or tell him you would love to do something together, how about watch a movie or play a game, etc...

No matter how many times I tell him, he still will do it the worst way and get my son upset and yelling.

I just dont get it. I think it REALLY is the lazy factor. He KNOWS I will come and clean up his mess, but I dont want to. He isnt my child, he is my equal, my partenr and I HATE doing all the parenting alone.

UGH, just needed to vent I guess....

I understand! Hubby is like a child. But yet because he is a bit older he tries to treat me like a child. That does NOT fly with me. So it's complicated. I hate having to be the "only" parent seeming to want to try I guess. Which it makes it hard because I have my issues too. He needs to step up and make the relationship more equal and that way it isn't as load bearing for you.

I just had a conversation with my son that reminded me of some conversations I have with DH. Maybe DH is on the spectrum? Granted, my son is 7 and I expect to have to tell him things over and over to an extent, but it just reminded me so much of me talking to DH. It was in exchange between my DS and his little sister. I constantly tell him how to respond to her and he never catches on. Then it hit me...I constantly tell his DAD how to handle our son and HE never cathces on either!

Maybe there is a link?

I was told DHd dint talk till he was 3 and when he spoke it was full sentences. He liked to keep his toys clean and is very much into neatness and order. I always attributed his issues like that to the type of family he was brought up in. His mother is very much a borderline personality, and his dad co dependant. She was a tyrant and a ruler, so no wonder he didnt talk? who knows, maybe he has a touch of AS as well. he seems fine now. mostly.

The AS is completley on my side of the family. I have 3 nieces and 2 nephews all on my side who have s ome form of ASD and then my son who has Aspergers.

Often the problem is that husbands (and wives ) bring their own issues into the family, whatever those issues are.

Ask him how he feels about his relationship with your son. Does he wonder why it doesn't go better? Then ask him how he feels about all the things you've shared with him; does he remember them, does he disagree, or does he find himself simply unable to use the recommendations in the heat of the moment? Try some situational autopsies with your husband, just as you might do with your son.

Honestly, for years I simply kept my son away from my husband if there was any sign of stress from either of them. They were triggers for each other, and that was about the last thing I needed. I remember driving in the car with my son, taking him somewhere, saying "we're letting Daddy have a time out." Over time, they've figured each other out and now favor each other. My husband did eventually grow into his role. Or my son grew out of his most irritating behaviors; not sure which; maybe a bit of both

Breaks are extremely hard to come by at this point in your family. Unfortunately, no one knows your son's needs like you, so you have to keep any breaks you try for well timed and very short. Encourage your husband and son to do things together that have gone well in the past; maybe biking, hiking, or going to see a movie. Keep them on the safe paths as they build their skills. You're in the head down, get through it period - - it is just how it has to be. Hang in there!

We struggle with this in our home, and DH has the same history (except the neatness.) Just because there are genetics you know about on your side doesn't mean your husband didn't bring some (and other psychological issues may well be maladaptions to autism spectrum disorders.)

DH is coming along, but he strongly reacts to loud voices and we really struggle with that - I'm loud, DS is loud. He really wants and needs a quiet home, and we just can't provide him with that, but at least we are talking about it now.

DH won't attend classes and doesn't read the books, won't come to WP (sadly, he came, read the "Should Aspies have Children" thread, got discouraged and left.) Sometimes he will read short articles, so I look for things with bullet-point, factual information. Videos are also helpful if they aren't too touchy-feely. He did start a Meetup Group just for Dads of kids on the spectrum (which I think is important - so much of the stuff out there is very female-centered, e.g. the seminars, support groups, etc.)

What really helped was when I finally figured it out, being able to show progress. DH can be a very black-and-white thinker, so illustrating to him that we are getting there is important, and I frequently have to list where we've been vs where we are now. I try to couch how we handle behavior in terms of what we are trying to accomplish rather than how DS or DH is feeling. I try to talk through the consequences of a particular punishment (will it change DS's behavior, or will it make it worse?)

We're still working on it - but we are all coming along. I do frequently butt heads with him (which is upsetting to DS) when I think he is going over the top, and that isn't good, but we are figuring it out slowly. At least we're talking about it.

I will say, I don't feel good in my position as arbiter. I did ask last night if we needed to go see a counselor to make sure we are both being heard and that I'm being fair to him.

MMJMOM, l VERY relate to your story and its been a struggle since DD has been born with my DH. His a good man, means well, we have nearly separated over the years because of the issues. I don't have the answers except to share what l have learnt, l believe my DH may be an aspie himself and if this is the case l have been told there are two kind of aspie fathers. One that embraces his kids and very hands on, the other that struggles and doesn't seem to understand the what issues are going on for their child. My feeling is it is also to do with my DH's upbringing, no real father role model for him, he has an old fashioned view on parenting sometimes, he takes it very personally with issues with DD, they both have the arguments and meltdowns, l'm often in the middle. I have tried as suggested in one post to leave them to figure it out and not get involved. I have had weekends away where they did get along, l have been ill and been away in hospital and they both coped so when it come to crunch time they can get along. To be honest, 12 years onwards, parent programs, books read, support groups, therapy sessions, he still does struggle, hundreds of talks later he still has his emotions take over. It's like he knows the story but he's emotions get the better of him especially if he thinks she is being disrespectful to him.
As l said l don't have the answers, we keep just striving to have a happy and healthy household, use the tools we have learnt, and adapt to what is going on with our DD.
There is a lot l can share but l'd be here all day
You are not alone and it is very common, not that it makes it any easier.

My DH also won't go to support groups, rarely reads the books I ask him to, thinks positive discipline is liberal crap, and thinks Americans are overly keen on psychologists and counselling. He tends to think his instincts for discipline are right, and that I lack firmness and am too accomodating to the kids (both AS and NT). (To me it seems he lets everything go and then randomly reacts way out of proportion.)

The one thing that really made an impact for him was watching a free video lecture on youtube called "Essential Ideas for Parents" by Russell Barkley. It's about ADHD, not AS, but a lot will apply if your child is impulsive or has trouble organizing or staying on-task. I wish there were something similar for AS. I got him to watch it by putting it on my laptop and watching it in bed without headphones. I purposefully chose a section that was very practical and that I knew he would agree with. He overheard and started watching over my shoulder. Now he quotes the parts of it to tell me what the school was doing wrong.

My husband is a good and caring dad and spends a lot of time playing with our daughter. But, of the two of us, I was always the 'softer' parent. I recognised the battles I couldn't win with my daughter and also noticed very early on that regular behaviour management approaches did not work at all. But, my husband kept on with his firmness. For example, she's having a tantrum or refusing to get her pyjamas on, so he refuses to read her bedtime story. But, the bedtime story is part of her bedtime routine, so not reading to her makes matters worse. In the end, I have to read to her anyway and she settles. Then, I would get the blame for giving in to her or for our lack of consistency between us (not so much by my husband, but by his mother).

At the NAS courses that we went to, the trainer spoke about the 'low arousal approach'. My husband really seemed to start to understand where he was going wrong. I've hardly heard him raise his voice to our daughter since then, in fact, I'm the one most likely to have an adult tantrum now. So, we're parenting, together, in the way I was advocating all along. This single piece of advice really has helped us.

If there was some way that you could just get your husband to try this approach, I'm sure it would help. It sounds like the way you're parenting anyway and you just need him to follow your lead. It really did take 2 full day training courses for my husband to realise I was right and he was wrong. So, I'm not sure how it could have been done without the advantage of the courses coming up, just weeks after our daughter was diagnosed.