Low Frustration Tolerance & Rigidity of Thinking

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My daughter (9) is so easily frustrated that she won't even attempt many things. For too long, I have smoothed frustrating tasks for her-helping her achieve even simple things like getting dressed or brushing her teeth. But it seems we never make any progress in this! She is getting afraid to even attempt things due to her fear of failure-and this is causing real stagnation for her developmentally. Even if it doesn't result in "failure" per se, if it is not "perfect" to her high standards she deems it and herself as a "failure".

She is in 4th grade now and refuses to read. She gets very frustrated if she misses a word. Also, she says she cannot keep track or remember what is going on in a story past the first page or so and now she is so convinced she "can't do it" that she refuses to even work on it or try. She will spend and hour + crying over it, and still will not be able to calm down enough to be able to attempt.

At first I thought this could be a tactic for avoidance, and perhaps there is a little of that, but she gets frustrated trying to get dressed or put shoes on so now she refuses to attempt it (and her frustration seems very real-not manufactured in any way). The frustrations are leading to extreme rigidity in what she will attempt to do and what she demands she "cannot" do-and will not relent even if it leads to major meltdown.

I don't know how to change this patterm of self defeated thinking. I have attempted to really make a big deal of how great she does at things she does well, but she still persists in her thinking that she cannot do so many things that have led to frustration in the past.

Any one dealt with this? Have strategies?

I would recomend trying to find something that she has some talent and interest in. Sucsess in this could help build her confidence in her abilities, and as she advances in that aspect, it may lead her to learn other things in order to advance in that thing.

My son is the same way. He frequently tells me he is afraid to fail. It is hard to explain to him that failure is OK. We have always praised effort, but we are stepping it up, and really praising effort, so try to get him to try things. We are especially focusing on the things we think he can do with moderate effort, so that he can see positive results sooner. We have not had a whole lot of luck because he has such a binary way of looking at things. Also there are things that are really easy for him, and most of the rest is really really hard. So if he cannot do it right away he assumes he will never be able to do it.

I might go looking for quotes from famous people about failure leading to success to see if I can find something that might stick, but I have not tried this, yet.

We're in the same boat. Either he can do it easily, or he can't do it at all and isn't going to try (eg. he can memorize his homework and recite it, but he's going to stumble as he reads, so he's going to recite his homework or not do it at all).

Right now I am trying to stress and stress and stress that mistakes are OK. Stress and stress and stress perseverance. "This is tough, but I'm tougher." "This is hard, so I'm going to keep trying."

This worked for me when I was a teenager. I happened on it by luck, and it really really really worked, so I'm hoping maybe.

Dunno how it will work with someone else, though, and I'm sure it has drawbacks of its own.

I'm going to be redundant and post this article again, because this is a big issue for us, too (DS just had a bad night and morning because there were a number of changes in his routine, mostly of his own making.) It helped me piece apart the different ways rigidity expresses itself.

http://special-ism.com/stuck-stubborn-a ... -thinking/

I find it heartbreaking when my DD reaches that level of frustration. She's not one to dissolve into tears, but If I don't find a solution there's a 50 / 50 chance she'll withdraw (give up) or become aggressive (lash out). I used to wonder if I was doing too much to help, because the teachers encouraged me to let her work independently. And now that they have actually put her on a modified program so that she is doing homework at her own level, she is willing and able to do more on her own. However, when she seems to be falling apart, I don't hesitate to offer help. I have always preferred to ask, casually and cheerfully, e.g. "Can I give you a hand with that?" "Gee, that's a really tough question. Let's see if I can figure it out." etc. That seems to work best. I also "choose my battles" and give her permission to ignore certain things. That seems to get her out of her locked-in frustration and free her up to find creative alternatives. I would rather buy slip-on shoes and boots if she gets frustrated trying to tie laces, or write a note to her teacher if she can't get a question, etc. I can usually manage to get her off the one-way track to frustration by offering her a preferred activity. I also "model" by saying that things "aren't worth the time or effort" and putting them aside. I have had to learn to do this the hard way because I used to feel a deep sense of shame when I made a mistake or handed in poor work.
Hope something in here can help.
J.

In addition to taking every opportunity to reinforce the idea that it is OK if he makes a mistake, as others have said, I make a concerted effort to point out when I or other people make mistakes and try to get DS to observe how we handle it. I guess that's modeling the behavior that I would prefer to see in him. My husband and I often tell stories about "when we were kids" and tried something for the first time and maybe messed it up. For example, "I remember how scared I was when I first learned to ride a bike. I crashed and skinned my knee. But I tried again the next day and it was a little easier!" We share about things we found difficult when we were younger and things we still find difficult today. This seems to make a difference that he really sees concrete examples of how other people, even Mom and Dad, aren't perfect. I think, though I could be off-base on this, that part of the problem is that the ASD child does not see the difficulties that others have, that other people make mistakes on a regular basis. I think they are so intense about perfectionism because they don't understand that other people are also afraid to try new things, other people often fail the first time they try something, etc.

I have to tell you though that what I think has made the most difference for us is the fact that he now has an aide with him at school. This has reduced his overall stress level SO much. His tolerance for many things has increased a lot just because he is no longer operating in this constant state of high anxiety. He still crumbles up worksheets and throws away assignments half done sometimes but he is willing to at least try so many more things.

I know you have been trying really hard for her classroom experience to be as similar to the others kids' as possible but I am still wondering if there is something else that could be done to relieve some of her stress so she has more energy and tolerance for other things. Does she get any breaks during the school day to just be by herself or take a sensory break or anything like that?

The only thing really is allowing her to get up and take a water break, which she utilizes quite frequently I am told.

Your question does touch on a part of this I think-the fact that she is getting old enough and aware of her differences and limitations when contrasted with her peers. While I like to point out her strengths, she tends to focus on her weaknesses and cries in frustration about some things the other kids do very easily, she cannot do (or struggles with). It's a real problem now in 4th grade because, while on one level she is praised for her efforts and achivements, on another level she is not expected to perform as well as the other children (which makes her feel "broken"). These are on things that are her natural weaknesses like creative thinking/writing, similies, metaphors, extrapolation, drawing inferences/conclusions. She is really struggling with curriculum that is just stacked against the mind of a person with AS. It seems this curriculum it almost tailored to make her feel lousy about herself sometimes!

On a recent paper on similies with a low grade there was a note from the teacher that read "I don't understand any of these".

This brought to my mind the saying "If you don't have something nice (or in this case CONSTRUCTIVE) to say, don't say anything at all!!"

One of the sentences was "The warm sun was like___________________________" and Grace put "the orange fluffy cat" (See-she thought of the color-not the temperature) I feel this is typical NT vs Aspie thinking differences-why is it only correct to answer like the NT mind would??? Or maybe I am wrong???

I just really think she is discouraged and frustrated by her weaknesses and anything that has the potential to draw attention to them or point them out she just wants to avoid. I need to find a way to build her self esteem.

I think "the warm sun was like the orange fluffy cat" is an awesome metaphor, myself!

I agree, I totally think the warm sun could be like an orange fluffy cat! Narrow thinking on the teacher's part

This may not be helpful for her at all but DS's teacher has found that he really likes to "teach" the other kids on things he is confident about. For example, the teacher (this is first grade) has a bunch of those interactive Leapfrog books in her class, the ones with the "pen" and when you touch certain words on the page, the book says the word out loud. Well DS figured out all about how those things worked like the first day of school. The teacher gave him the opportunity to explain to the other kids how to use them and he loved that experience. She routinely looks for other opportunities for him to teach the class. I think it gives him knowledge that there are things he is good at. If doing something like that in front of the whole class would make your DD too nervous, maybe they could set up an opportunity for her to show something she is good at to just a couple of classmates or even just to the teacher.

I agree! Some of the other ones were:

The scarf was as red as _______________ (She put the sun)
The hill was as slippery as _____________(she put an iceskate)
I slid down the hill like a ____________(she put a wet water balloon )
The fire in the fireplace was like__________(she put an uncontrollable tiger)
The snow was like ___________(she put a pillow filled with feathers)

I think these are actually very creative!

I think your daughter is a little poet, and you should tell her so! (If it helps, I was an English major in college!)

I remember that I once worked at this truly horrible daycare during college. I was an aide in a room with something like 15 or 20 2 to 3 year olds. The "teacher" was a high school dropout, and she was more concerned with keeping the classroom and bathrooms clean than she was with the kids.

One day, she had them all sitting in their little desks (which should tell you right away how horrible this daycare was) and coloring in pictures of grapes. One kid colored his grapes green. She freaked out, telling him he had to do it over again, because grapes were PURPLE not green!! !

I was aghast. Never mind that these kids have probably never seen a purple grape (red and green are what you get at the local grocer, and kids' parents usually go for green for some reason.) Never mind that this kid showed some initiative and used his brain to figure out what color to use - the poor kid got in trouble.

This is just to say - it's easy to assume that teachers, who are in a position of authority, are right. Often - maybe even most often - they are. But sometimes they are just being rigid jerks.

I too think your daughter has a poetic strength. A very creative choice of descriptive words. Definitely let her know! My son sounds very similar. He is constantly gets frustrated, cries, says he'll never do it, says he is stupid, etc, and at times will bang his head. I tell him what is saying is not true, and I have him come up with 3 things he is good at (anything - computers, hugs that make mom feel good, memorizing). My hope is to get him off the bad thoughts and counter them with a little bit of good thoughts. At first I had to help him, but now he comes up with 3 things on his own. I then give him a break and hopefully have him come back to the task at a later time. I really hurts me to see him like that.

I was concerned that perhaps the curriculum this year was just harder but maybe this teacher is influencing my daughter's feelings of frustration. Last year she seemed somewhat eager to do well and please the teacher, and she performed well. This year has been so problematic with a diagnosis of celiac that has mandated dietary changes. Everyone states that removal of gluten is so beneficial but this change has been tough for us!

Perhaps she is getting a lot more academic criticism this year and that is causing this problem with frustration. She has always had low frustration tolerance but it has been much worse this year.

Tonight as I put her to bed I told her about affirmations. She thought it was "dumb" but I had her repeat some statements like...I am smart. I love my cat. I like where I live. I am happy. I am good at math. Etc. I am going to praise her efforts and try to bolster her confidence. And now I am going to keep an eye out for this teacher.

I will tell her you guys like her similes!

I'm an adult, but I have no idea what the correct answer should be. How does this work?

I think that's the point - with a metaphor, as long as whatever it is has some similarity to the initial thing, anything is OK.

I am guessing more conventional thinkers would write things like (keeping in mind I'm no conventional thinker, so this is a stretch for me)

"red as a fire engine"
"slippery as ice"
"like an otter" or maybe "like a toboggan" this one defies conventional thinking for me, a bit.
"like a furnace"
"a white blanket"