Irrational melt downs

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My son is as of yet undiagnosed but we see the developmental pediatrician next week.

He turns 3 next month and I have noticed the melt downs have become more irrational. Always before we expected meltdowns when he couldn't cope with changes in routine or not getting his own way but lately he has been having meltdowns sometimes for no apparent reason.

On Sunday he was shrieking and not telling us what was wrong. My husband and I could not pin point the melt down to anything specific. We tried to ask him if he wanted a drink or if he was hungry or if he had an owie. He just kept screaming.

Finally after putting his weighted blanket on him and doing some sensory brushing on his back and shoulders, he stopped screaming. I asked him why he was upset. His response "I want to fly kite." I asked him, "You were screaming because you wanted a kite?" "Yes Mama. I want kite. I angry."

He's never mentioned wanting a kite before. He's never been told no that he can't fly a kite. It scares me that he is having meltdowns for things that seem irrational and don't make sense. I get the meltdowns when he just simply can't cope but this just confuses me. Why was having a meltdown the first response that made sense to him rather than saying he wanted a kite?

It seems to me he lost track of what was bothering him or he doesn't know himself. He's probably very logical, knowing there should be a reason for all that screaming, and so he made something up. I'm sure my son did that at times.

It has been my experience that the meltdown's are a way of dealing with over: or unwanted stimulation. When you asked him and he mentioned the kite. I suspect he just wanted to fly a kite. And was not a component of the meltdown. The thing is we cant always see the stimulation that is the issue. Normal to us sounds: may be problematic for them.

That's just been my experience.

Could it be, that the days before were a bit too much for him? So people always think about the big things causing meltdowns...but a lot of small things (even good ones) also leach you your energy, until your completely worn out and cant stand it anymore.

As example, I also did not know sometimes why I had meltdowns, so there was no "thing or situation" I could have actually pointed at. But when I got older I just learned, that there was nothing bad, nothing terrible exhausting, no great routine disturbances... the only thing was, that I did not get a chance to fully be for myself for some days. So on Monday and Tuesday friends visited us (Which I like to see.) on Wednesday my parents asked me to visit them after work because the cat needed some medicine (I like my cat.), on Thursday I did something together with my partner after work (I like my partner and the games we played.) and still felt fine and on Friday there went a little small thing wrong, a minor disturbances of my routine, as I have 30 times a day.... And I was completely in the ass.

The thing is, I didnt feel bad before, I myself could not have told, that it was too much for me, and that I needed some time on my own. In the opposite, I felt like I was filled with adrenaline and energy...but that was nothing more but a sign of me being overloaded with external sensory issues for too long.

You could compare it with a normal child that visits Disneyland. So there are lots external sensory issues and the child becomes even more active in a positive way, and is full of energy, running around... being more active then normally and there is nothing bad about it. The problem is, the child itself doesnt know yet, that this is ok, as long as it can relax from now and then to "recharge batteries". After the second or third full day of Disneyland, the child still will feel good about visiting Disneyland and say "Yeah!" when you ask if it wants to visit Disneyland again. But sooner or later some completely minor issue like "No more Goofyhats availaible." or "the princess carusell is out for maintenance" you will receive a meltdown, even from a normal NT-child. And if you ask the child, the child itself can only tell you, that it became so angry because of the missing Goofy-hat. It does not have the experience to tell you, that the last few days in Disneyland were really fine, and there was generally nothing bad about it, but in its complete amount it was a bit too much and that it wasnt about the Goofy-hat itself.

So was there maybe something else the days before? It doesnt have to be something negative, but as example an relative visiting (he likes) one day, the other day some minor routine disturbances .... ?

Autism is a developmental delay. Often one aspect of development that is significantly delayed is the ability to communicate effectively. Don't expect that he can communicate to you what is bothering him at this stage in his development - HE CAN'T. I urge you to read as much as you can on this board and elsewhere. Sometimes it may seem like a HUGE task but you as the parent of a kid who (probably) has autism have to learn all you can about his condition and learn to adjust your expectations according to his abilities. You have to meet him where he is for he cannot yet meet you where you are.

One big red flag I see in your post is your repeated attempts to talk to him while he is in meltdown mode. Your second step of giving him sensory input and soothing him with touch (if this works for him, it doesn't work for all kids) is the step you should take first. When he is having a meltdown he is in fight or flight mode and anyone who is in this state is not processing verbal input with the part of their brains that thinks rationally, they are operating on instinct only. Also, allow PLENTY of time after a meltdown to try to talk about it. Even though he may appear calm on the outside 10 minutes later, you can be assured that the adrenalin has not worked its way out of his system. I will sometimes wait hours or a day or more before I try to talk to DS about what was bothering him.

I have gone through this for years and agree: it's not about a kite. What I say to my DD is "Do you just need to cry it out?". And now she will preface these "things" with, "Mom, I just need to cry it out."

After she's totally calm I can sit her down & ask if there was anything bothering her. Usually she can't name anything, but I can see she was overstim'ed or bored or transitioning.

Hope this helped:)

aann: yes I wonder if he really either didn't know or he had forgotten
bssage: that could be possible. he still struggles with getting the words out a lot and defaults to whining even when he isn't melting down or just talking in his own language of made up words
Schneekugel: the day before he normally spends the day at grandma's while my husband and I work but we had car problems and spent the day at the mechanic and not work. Grandma did come and take him because he was bored waiting but it was not his regular routine for sure.

I agree with Bombaloo: more than likely, he wasn't able to express himself and that probably drove the meltdown. Not long ago, I linked the online version of Helen Keller's The Story of My Life. Read the first few chapters, especially the part where Anne Sullivan reacts to her memories of just starting out - it is startlingly similar to dealing with a child with autism. They have the communication problem in common, and it expresses itself similarly - even if the reasons for the problem are totally different.

It's difficult to figure out what is bothering a child, but charting helps a lot. We were very confused until our therapists gave us a Functional Behavior Assessment to fill out. These are sometimes confused with operant conditioning (reward/punishment systems) but instead should be seen as a way of figuring out what the behavior itself is telling us, since the child can't express himself appropriately.

I thought this gave a good overview, and the powerpoint presentation was also helpful, although I admit to being a little uncomfortable in the way they describe "managing" behavior - instead, it should be about helping a child learn appropriate ways to communicate: http://www.unco.edu/cetl/TracyMueller/B ... der_1.html

There's a very good description in there of categories of different things that might be bothering a child on the spectrum that could be causing them to melt down. From what you've described, it may be a sensory need, or a need for predictability in the schedule or routine.

There isn't always a reason for the meltdowns, that sort of part of the package really. My 5 year old daughter has them and can't really always say why.

Though I don't doubt your experience, I disagree - but in practical terms, sometimes this winds up effectively being the case. I believe strongly that behavior is communication, and that meltdowns are a way of expressing some kind of need. It does require a LOT of detective work to figure out what those needs are, though - and sometimes the issue was temporary and resolved itself.

Our experience in working with my son has been that there was always a reason, but the reason might not be what we thought: changes in routine that we hadn't even processed had happened, sensory issues with clothing, frustration at a dissolving social life: once we learned how to look and started looking, we could see patterns. DS frequently didn't know what was bothering him.

Not too long ago, we had an abrupt change in schedule for the week (over the summer, a class ended early or something.) DS kept wandering around the house, pacing, tapping and fidgeting - I could see a meltdown was headed our way. I just explained to him that he probably was feeling weird because the class ended, and that it was just a strange feeling he was going to have for a while because things didn't go as expected (keep in mind this is after several years of working on meltdowns as a family team.) DS noticed that the schedule change was the "thing" that was bothering him, and although he didn't stop fidgeting, he was able to keep from melting down because he understood what was going on. I also didn't expect as much out of him that day, because I realized it was taking a lot of concentration to deal with the feelings.

I think it's great he was able to say "I angry", even if the reason he gave was a bit off. He was angry and he could identify that. At not quite 3 that is a very positive thing. You can work with that, even if the reasons for those feelings are not obvious, just knowing the feeling is a big step I think.
It could really be about a kite too. It may seem irrational but maybe he saw one out with nana or something and had it in his mind he wanted to do that and then realised he forgot and then got upset by it. My DS5 has had meltdowns over things he thought he wanted to do but didn't tell anyone about before. Picture sudden wailing... my DS screaming "I was going to make cupcakes" not imaginary ones but real ones. Just this week he did this, but he hadn't asked or told anyone he wanted to bake cupcakes, how were we to know? When he realised he hadn't made them, his first instinct also wasn't to ask me if we could... because that realisation was so distressing for him, he had a meltdown.
So, it could be about a kite... or not! haha, so not helpful, sorry!

In my experience, meltdowns are normally a "straw that broke the camel's back" type of thing- I will have been coping with stress that's been building for a while, then suddenly I'll be in tears and hitting myself because the sky is the wrong shade of blue, or something else equally life-threatening. ( )

Meltdowns without a clear cause might be due to some sensory thing bugging him and not you.

I used to have super meltdowns when my parents took me to the photography studio with lots of and flashing lights, and they didn't understand autism and didn't figure out why I freaked out at the photography studio.