Really tired, not sure if this is Aspergers or Brattiness.

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I never said they would be "good", I said they would DO WELL IF THEY CAN. And what I am talking about is in regards to behavior like meltdowns and inability to control impulses. Kids don't do these things because they want to, they happen because they don't have the ability to do things better. I don't at all mean that kids will be angels 100% of the time. And I certainly don't mean that we should expect them to be angels 100% of the time. That is in fact the exact opposite of what I meant.

I feel your pain! We had a tough day today, too.

I really do recommend trying out the written lists. We do them as a "family contract" with DS - when we are calm, we sit down together and come up with a list of what needs to be done (he has input - we found out this way that there were some things he really struggled with.) Then, as needed, I refer him to the list without saying a word. It doesn't make it go away, but it really helps.

Parenting is one of the hardest jobs ever. Partially because WE have to be the grown-ups, right?

Did you just switch from back-rubbing to "losing it a bit" with no warning?

Ah-- I understand. Well-- I will concede that sometimes everybody can't help that stuff, that very few do it deliberately or with the intention to manipulate. And that some of us can't help it more often than others can't help it, and...

Isn't is easier to just put away the clothes yourself for the time being? I think every time this results in an argument/tantrum, it will make her less willing do to it next time.
Do you tell her about chores in advance? As a kid (and even now) I don't like being surprised by such requests. Especially insisting that something has to be done RIGHT NOW, which makes no sense to me since most of those chores are not exactly urgent. Being interrupted for something that is trivial (in my mind) while I'm doing something important (in my mind) annoys me a lot. And the important thing could be just sitting around reading a wikipedia article.

trollcatman, I find your reply really interesting as I am really trying to better understand my daughter in order to have less of these episodes but at the same time, I was really tired and needed help. I had a 4 hour lab in the morning and then afterwards had been non stop running errands for hours and getting stuff done, I had bought groceries so that dd and her friend had snacks to eat, had made them food and I truly felt that I deserved a little help with the clothes since I had to 45 minutes to fold the clothes before I had to run back to the laundry mat and pick up more clothes. I know it may sound trivial but I wanted everything done so we could have the house ready for my mom that was comig the next day.

I honestly don't want to feel like it's better to do things for myself. I like getting help. I feel like I do so much for dd and she should also contribute back.

I guess I have to learn how to ask for help but give a warning or something.

This is what I was talking about with the visual schedules and bulleted lists. Remove as much surprise as possible.

In fact, as I am typing, DS is sulking in his room because I asked him to sort the laundry (one of his chores.) He's sulking, not because I asked him to do his chore - he did that without complaint - but because I found there were clothes on the floor of my room that had fallen out of the basket (or missed it, it's been a rough week.) I asked him to go pick up and sort those, and he started yelling and storming about the house. He eventually picked them up, but he's still quite mad.

His reasoning: HE has to put his clothes in his hamper. He did that BEFORE he took his hamper downstairs. He doesn't understand why WE don't have to put OUR clothes in the hamper, too.

This was over a pair of socks, a couple of tshirts and maybe some underwear. Twenty seconds of work - twenty minutes of grousing - but in his mind, we "changed the rules." We stuck to our guns, DS did what he was told and he's in his room calming down. It is important sometimes to give a little nudge to the rigid ideas, but it is never easy.

Keep in mind that your daughter probably doesn't understand that you "deserve" anything. Most people on the spectrum have some degree of difficulties with Theory of Mind. Perspective-taking is something they have to learn. From her perspective, it's your job to see to it that she eats and all your getting stuff done is an interruption for her, as is the visit she has to help you prepare for. She really doesn't understand - more so than an average kid who might have to think about it for a minute.

You want her to learn this stuff, of course, but first things first: make sure she knows your expectations well ahead of time. If you are changing up the routine because of something, tell her the minute you know and remind her a couple of times that day. If it were DS, I would say when he got up in the morning "Remember, we have a visitor tomorrow, so I am going to ask you to help me a little more today. If you do that, we can have X reward when we are done."

I am going to add that from my experience being in a rush and autism are not a good mix. My son is dawdler par excellence; part of it is that his emotional age is just a little more than half his chronological age. The rest of it is that he really does live in his mind, even now that he is more interactive. He feels like his very important thoughts are interrupted when he has things other people want him to do. He needs to finish the train of thought his brain is on (this takes longer than you might expect) before undertaking whatever task , and he tends to want to think and do, and think and do, (when he is compliant) and it takes awhile to get things done.

If we plop something unexpected in his lap his whole "plan" of spending an entire morning on whatever thought or activity goes poof and it makes him upset, as though I stole time from him. Autistic children need a lot of downtime, and when it gets taken from them unexpectedly it can be quite upsetting.

This does not mean that you should not ask for help. Being in a family requires recipricity, which is a good thing for autistic kids to learn. The best way I have found to handle it, is try to give your child as much notice as you can. Maybe even provide as others have said, a visual schedule for your itinerary, that includes what you expect help in, as well as your child's break times, in addition to the reward. If your mom et al are not advanced warning kind of people and you normally do not mind this I would still try to get mom to understand that it is important to your family and your child to be able to plan these kinds of things out.

Last edited by ASDMommyASDKid on 26 Mar 2013, 9:56 am, edited 1 time in total.

Wow!! ! What a hellcat stress load you are under there!! !

It is trivial, but it isn't trivial. I know what it's like to knock yourself out wearing so many hats you feel like some kind of demented hat rack. I know what it's like to tie yourself in knots trying to make everything just so for a parent/grandparent/parent-in-law too. It's the kind of trivial stuff that human beings end up losing their tempers and eventually their minds over every single day. Who knew love could be so stressful????

THEN you get to deal with a moody Aspie adolescent.

Does she actually understand how busy you are??? I mean, are you sure??? By that I mean, have you sat down and had more than one specific, concrete, and value-neutral discussion about it??? Because she might actually have no idea what's going on in your world and might actually not understand-- and please bear in mind that's not the same as not caring. Not the same at all.

There is a great book called How To Teach Life Skills To Kids With Autism Or Asperger's, by Jennifer McIlwe Myers. She's an AS female and very smart. She does not as far as I recall have kids, but she does seem to have a pretty clear memory of having been one.

I have problems with my daughter (5yo) never doing anything for herself and yes it is easier, quicker and more effective if I just do it. But how long does this go on for, when will she learn to do these things herself? If I dont tidy up after her several times a day, every day the house becomes unbearable. Its just mess everywhere, all the toys mixed up, plus things that she uses as toys from around the house that we then cant find when we need because its in a box in a bag on a shelf hidden and she has no idea where she put it. I have to watch her play so I can anticipate these things. Sometimes if Im ill or just sick and tired of following her around tidying the house gets like that and then it takes so much more effort to get it back to normal. My husband doesnt know what goes where so its always me that tidys.

I sometimes think when shes grown up she will be a hoarder and live in that kind of mess all the time, partly because she makes so much mess, but also because she will never learn to tidy things herself, she seems incapable

LOVE this! LOVE!

First of all, I just wanted to say, ConfusedNewb, don't give up. There is hope. I don't think 5 year olds are organized yet (hell, I'm still not organized, but I love organizing) and they love keeping everything, I think this is typical kid behavior!! !! Seriously though, you do seem a little overwhelmed in the mess department. Have you ever heard of flylady.net? This is how I learned how to not become overwhelmed with clutter and how to organize little by little. Trust me, my 9 year old dd was the same way at 5 but today she can't go to bed without an organized room with everything in it's place, now if that skill would only spill over into the rest of the apt, I'd be in heaven! Plus, she has learned how to let go of things, it doesn't come naturally but it can be learned. It use to take forever for me to declutter one of my daughter's drawers because I would ask her piece by piece, is this a keeper? Are we going to donate it? Should we toss it? And she would think and think and think........and hardly anything would get tossed, but I would always remind her that if there isn't space for new things, then we just can't get new things, without being too pushy, but now adays, it takes us minutes to go through her stuff and she decides quickly and knows what things are important and what things are not important.

To everyone else! Thank you again, I know I'm so repetative but I am taking everything you say to heart. It's been a LONG few weeks, my mom's visit was a nightmare as you probably imagined. My dd doesn't like grandma at all! Everything that grandma did was wrong, I was just so stressed out by the end of my mom's 10 day stay! DD kept it together and didn't have too many melt downs and only gave major drama one day at the mall when I wouldn't buy her a shirt that was a size 7-8 when she had just turned 9, she just couldn't understand how I just can't afford to buy something that she will outgrow in a month or so so for the rest of the mall time, it was a nightmare, she had her arms crossed, a mean face, said some pretty irrational things, walked like a million miles behind us, hid..........needless to say, I stood my ground and told her that from now on, when I say no to buying something for whatever reason and she freaks out, I won't buy her anything for 2 weeks, not even a candybar and today it worked, we went to the children's museum and she wanted stuff at the giftshop. I told her she could use her allowance of $9.00 but I wasn't going to buy her anything and she processed the information..........and walked out of it not mad!! !! !! ! YES!! !

Yeah, so it's been 6 says since my mom left and life has been remarkably peaceful. We are all really tired and still recovering though. DD has slept a lot this past week so it's been weird. She also decided not to go to guitar class any more, I told her it was okay. Maybe she can try again at 10. Her anime drawing class ended too so now, we only have Tuesday evenings where she has ballet and I have a class at night so she has to go with me and stays at their "Children's Center".

On the aspie front, DD has her 9 year check up tomorrow. I called the doctor's office ahead of time and told them I needed to speak with her doctor regarding getting DD a referral so she can be evaluated for some issues that we have been having but that i wanted to talk to the doctor in private. The nurse said, no problem, you can talk to the doctor while they take your daughter's blood! WTfreak, seriously? It's going to be nightmarish. DD is already freaking out about her checkup. Saying she's not going. So hopefully, it'll be okay and she won't scream too loud while the vampire nurse sucks her blood out! Wish us luck.

lol, I think I will change my name to "Demented Hat Rack"! !! !

Will check out that link thanks!