How can I help my son in his final year of high school?

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I just joined wrong planet as I am completely at a loss as to how to help my aspie son in his final year of high school and I thought someone here may have some ideas.
My son moved schools last year (for the second last year in high school) to be able to do his preferred subjects. Coming from a much less academically focussed school he found the increased work load difficult and on his school's advice he has cut down on the number of subjects if this his final year. (Our school year is January to December in Australia).
He has difficulty with organisation and I have been helping him to timetable his study but he only seems to do about half of it. If he told me that he was doing his best and he was happy with the results that would acheive I would leave him to it but he is really anxious and is falling further and further behind and I think his anxiety will just increase.
He has been seeing the school psychologist and I will be talking with them both in a week and a half but in the meantime I don't know what I should do to help him.
My son only had one formal class today but it seems that he only did about an hour of study. We discussed his timetable together last night and everything seemed positive but he couldn't or wouldn't explain why he didn't do the work. I think some of the issues are -diffucultiy in asking for help, tiredness because he can't sleep because he's worried, also disctration with his computer which he uses for school (His school is computer based so he has access to a computer all day) and fear of failure.
He has told his father and I that he wants to finish high school and aims to go to University but I wonder if we have set his expectations too high. When we mentioned that if the workload is too difficult he could find another pathway to get a job he got upset and said that we think he's a failure.
Tonight he escaped it all by doing some programming which is great in a way but if he wants to work in that area he'll need to be able to focus himself on studying at a higher level than he currently appears able to.
I am worried that if he really does want to pass this year it is getting more difficult every day as he's falling further behind. If he doesn't want to try an alternative study path I can't see how his anxiety is ever going to be reduced and he wont' really talk about this option. The school psychologist says that the timetabling helps to reduce his anxiety but as he isn't following it closely enough to catch up on his work I can only see him getting more stressed with each test that he has to sit. It's so difficult to help someone who finds it hard to express himself and in a way finds it difficult to understand his own strengths and weaknesses. I welcome your suggestions both general and specific. Thanks.

Boy, do I relate to your post.

This period of time for our kids is incredibly anxiety ridden, and equally anxiety ridden for us as parents. I do exactly what you seem to be doing -- Are we pushing too hard? Expecting too much? Should we lower the expectations and therefore lower our child's anxiety? Will that then subject our child to less of a life? It's awful, trying to make these decisions, especially with children who can't express how they really feel in an easy fashion.

Some things that we do in order to keep our son on schedule -- and this doesn't always work:

1) schedule everything onto Google Calendar, and sync his phone to the Calendar so that he can receive texts reminding him to do whatever he needs to do.
2) a scheduling app for use on his iTouch. When we get a smartphone in a couple of months, things will be scheduled on that instead.
3) I check his grades online. A LOT. I'm trying to teach him to check his own grades online as well, and trying to instill in him ENOUGH anxiety to know when he should check in on his grades with teachers, or when he should be worried about a grade or project BEFORE it becomes a crisis.
4) He is on ADD medications and anti-anxiety medications, and we seem to have to tweek them constantly.

We are also in the midst of trying to check out colleges that would be a good "fit" for our son. It's rough. Trying to figure out a technical school [because his strengths lean toward math and science] that isn't too fast-paced, or a real loose kind of school where one can design their own program and PUMP that program up to close to being a technical program... who knows what will work in the end.

Good luck to you, I know where you're coming from...

I graduated from college at age 28 and, believing in lifetime learning, have taken a number of courses since then.

Believe it or not, your son probably needs a less rigid time schedule. He needs to develop skills of moving between two, three, and even four topics during a single study session.

For example, I personally do well if I alternate a technical subject with a thoroughly readable book in social studies.

Thanks for your comments everyone. It is good to hear from others who have an understanding of what our family is going through. My son is currently studying two maths subjects and one english but he does a bit of programming for fun. He needs to pass these subjects and two more next year to finish high school with a qualification that will allow him to get into a degree course - the number of options increases with higher marks. I spoke to him about it and this is still the plan.
I spent the weekend talking to my son about exactly what work he has to do for his next two tests/assignments and I am helping him to timetable his study so that he gets as much priority work done as reasonably possible. (Still allowing two half hour sessions on mine craft etc so that he feels rewarded).
I think that it helps him to know that someone else is aware of the "big picture" as he rarely has an idea of it himself - I think it is too stressful to think about. And it's actually quite complex to organise your time with different priorities and deadlines that change everyday as more work is set and your timetable wasn't quite met or had to change.
I have also been more positive and put up notes with affirmations and positive reminders in front of his desk such as "You can do it" and "smart people ask for help". I think the fact that he caught up on his sleep over the weekend has helped too.
I cannot see any other option but to help him organise his study timetable which means knowing what work he has to do and what has to be done. I know this seems like micro management of an eighteen year old but from past experience when I leave it up to him he just completely stresses out and then gets behind in his work. He just doesn't have the skills yet to prioritse and organise his work. And he has real difficulty working out what to do when he gets stuck including asking for help.
Life if just a rollercoater of ups and downs. I'm hoping this week we're on an up.

There is a rule of thumb that AS and ADHD kids are 30% behind typical kids in their organizational skills and emotional self control. So if you provide the level of organizational help a 12 year old would need to get through these assignments you're on the right track. He might also need you or somebody to continue to provide coaching when he starts a degree track at uni or other training school. The book Smart But Scattered has some good chapters on how to teach him these skills, but I think for his future you probably have to focus right now on getting him through high school with good marks.

I agree with whomever suggested teaching son to use Google calendar; keep working on that. He'll need to be able to organize his work and schedules if he is going to University.

Take whatever time you can this year to teach him as many self-organization skills as you can. Look for technology that can help him.

Sounds like you might want to get some controls on his computer. If he is amenable, he can use pre-set controls to help him control his computer usage. We use Rescue Time also, which gives a weekly report on how much time the user spent on various tasks/programs that you can pre-set into categories and set goals. There are other programs that can control which hours the computer can be used.

Hi AndeinOz
I am a "normal" (if there is such a thing!) thinker. My partner is Kabouter. He is an Aspie and last year our granddaughter was also diagnosed.

I understand your frustration. Granddaughter fell apart in grade 6 when she was put into a High achievers class and had to do harder work. Life was not so cruisy as it had been.

But, I wanted to say that it is important that your son knows that if he doesn't finish these subject NOW, it isn't the end of the world. My other half left high school at year 11, worked for a while and then at age 19-20 went back to High school and finished his subjects. He went to Uni, was asked to leave for not doing the work and getting sidetracked with other issues and went to work on a farm. He eventually went back to Uni, changed courses to computer science! (what else?) and graduated around age 30.

Your son doesn't HAVE to do all these subjects now if they are causing him so much stress. He always has the option of going to TAFE to do the subjects in his own time and as most TAFE colleges are now associated with Universities, providing his scores are high enough, he can always get entrance to the Uni from there. Maybe he could set himself a schedule which would give himself more time to do some study and also do all the things he wants to do?

Stay positive.
Kabouter's missus

I'm 17 & from Adelaide. I'm also doing year 12 at the moment. It's been the easiest year of school for me so far. I am only doing 3 subjects. I will complete year 12 but not receive an ATAR. I have chosen easy subjects & I'm just aiming to pass. Year 12 can either be very hard or very easy depending on how hard you want to make it. I hope this was of any help.

The best advice I can give you is don't put heaps of pressure & expectation on him.

Folks, my Aspergers son is in the same boat. I'm at a loss. He is 16, in grade 11 in Canada. Luckily he is in a self paced school...so if he doesn't finish at the end of the semester, he an "carry over" subjects. Well maybe unluckily because he has to be organized to get the work done. But it is the school with the gifted program and his friends go there. This is the first year EVER that he socializes outside of school....and its not that often but still better than before. He has difficulty starting tasks; then falls behind; then anxiety increases and he doesn't want to face the teacher (who are very supportive); falls farther behind; anxiety increases some more. It is a vicious circle. We have tried everything. Sometimes he just "can't" wake up in the morning. Then gets upset because of it. Whatever I do is wrong; he gets mad and can be very explosive. I've tried discipline, taking away things he enjoys...but the results are bad....it just makes things worse. I don't know how to speak his language. It seems no matter how gentle I am with him, it still doesn't work. He wants help, I don't know how to help him. And he doesn't know how to help himself. I try to be patient, but also feel like I am failing him by not pressuring him...even a little. Its hard to turn a blind eye to all of this and I really don't know what to do anymore.

Does anybody know specific things I can do? There aren't any support organizations or places in my city.....well there is one that would cost over $1000/month....can't afford it. I appreciate any advice or tactics that have worked for you.

I just read your post Amom16 but I'm sorry I don't think I can be of much help because I logged in just now feeling very much like you - no knowing what to do.
I have read all of the previous reply posts for inspiration. I have bought the "Smart but scattered" book and started to talk to my son about some of the executive function skills he might need to improve to help him with his study.
It was good to read that other aspies found their place ini the workforce even if it was later. I think my son might need a few more years to be mature enough to handle tertiary study.
It's the level of support/pressure/nagging/help that has me confused and completely at a loss today. The school psychologist originally said that it was helpful for my son that I assisted him with timetabling but at a meeting we had today I left feeling that his anxiety is all my fault. My son has indicated that I am putting too much pressure on him but when I step back he does even less study. I have timetabled a minimum number of hours he needs to do to keep up with his work, including sleeping in, a rest in the afternoon if needed, breaks every hour and even time on the computer every day but I am now convinced that following it, or even adapting it himself, is beyond his capabilities. I am sure that he will fail his subjects this year (he has received low marks so far) and it's not the failing that worries me it's how he will cope with the anxiety of realising a couple of weeks before the exams, that he hasn't studied enough to pass.
The psycholgist says that he has issues with perfectionism (as well as his anxiety and ADD) which is adding to his inability to study. She says the only thing I can do is validate his feelings - which I have to guess from his behaviouir, as he has trouble identify them himself. The psychologist said that I don't have to solve his problems. But how can I step back and watch him fall further and further behind with study which will presumably just keep increasing his anxiety. I spoke to my son about changing to a less intense option for his last year of high school but he just says "you think i'm a failure".
His intelligence "age" is way beyond his emotional "age" but doesn't that mean that I do need to give him more support and still "bribe" him with computer time like i did when he was younger?
I guess if he just said to me "don worry mum I'm doing the best I can and I'll deal with whatever marks I get" then I wouldn't worry as I know he'd be prepared to accept the consequences but I think he is going to freak our two weeks before the exams like he did last year.
I stupidly thought that things would get easier as my son grew up but I've never felt so helpless. I know I have to "let him make his own mistakes" but I just don't feel that this is the time to leave it all up to him.
AndeinAus

Can he postpone his college exam taking by a year? It doesn't sound like he is ready to take them academically, but also he has no confidence in taking them, which adds to vicious cycle of anxiety and lack of studying. If he can take them next year, then maybe he will become less anxious and get to work, since he has more time to get his academics in order.

My son is only doing half of the subjects required to get his VCE (final high school qualification) this year. His school suggested that he finishes his last year over two because he was so overwhelmed last year (But managed to pass everything except English). When I came to the realisation a couple of weeks ago that it is really unlikely that he'll pass the two subjects this year I did my usual "what can I do to fix this" and found another high school qualification option which doesn't involve having to take exams. He can even start it in July. But the thought of change is too much I think and he feels that he would be a failure. He won't even talk to me about it even though I've told him I don't want to watch him getting more and more stressed for the rest of the year. He'll probably end up doing the alternative next year anyway so that's what I'm thinking at the moment. I'm not asking him much about his study anymore so that I don't add to his stress.

My son is also going to be in his final year of high school beginning in August. He is also younger than some of his peers. He will graduate a week before he turns 18.

I previously posted about my son and going to college. I was given some very good advice. I tend to forget that he is emotionally a few years younger and thus, not ready to handle many of the things a typical 17 year old would. He has only driven a car one time. Has not even asked to take his written test for it. He is simply not ready.

Thanks to the advice and some soul searching, I have decided to not push college right now. I will encourage him to take it slow, a course or two. Time management is also an issue for my son, and we will really ramp that up during his summer break.

Best of luck.

Thanks Vicky (Getersno).
I read the "College Bound student" posts and like you found them very useful. I looked up the US education system and realised that your junior or community colleges are like our TAFE system. That's where I think my son should aim and perhaps part time. I need to let go of worrying about him failing this year - which is reallyl difficult because he has exams in November and he just isn't motivated to study so he is getting further behind. I guess I need to just tell him to do his best and that's all that matters. He needs to know that it really doesn't matter if he fails but I think my problem is that part of me thinks he should change courses now because I can't see him catching up enough to pass. I worry that the reasson he won't discuss changing is because he is trying to live up to our expectations of him even though they have now changed and we've given him the option. This is my big dilema at the moment.
On the positive side he had government help to get a job and is working 8 hours a week - looking after a fast food retailers store room, he can travel on public transport really well and he has shown some interest in getting his driver's licence. With the latter I have just left it up to him. I figure that when he feels ready and really wants to get it he will apply for his learner's permit. Some of the posts from "College boud student" ring true to me.
- it's ok for AS students to take their time in getting through college. The main issue is that they are doing something, learing skills and maturing all the time.
- there are high fees associated with further education so they need to have a chance of success to make it worthwhile.
- it takes time for most people to work out what career they wan to follow.
Ande