When do I discuss Asperger's w/son

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Hello,
It's been a while since I last wrote...I'm the one that posted "Should I Ban Scooby Doo". Well, we're still watching it and that's perfectly fine, I know now...I think I like the episodes as much as our son does.
My question is, when does it become appropriate to discuss Asperger's or even bring it up in adult conversation in front of my son? He is in kindergarden and almost 6yrs old. All the school testing has been completed and they found that he does have Asperger's...so, now, we will be drawing up an IEP, etc.
I, for some reason just feel nervous and apprehensive about how to bring it up to him....doesn't he deserve to know ? And, how do I go about it in a way that will empower him and not leave him feeling like he's "different" form the other kids?
Thanks,
Lauradiego

While I cannot speak for all Aspies, I personally had a great understanding of this type of thing at a young age. I was the one telling my parents that I was different. I understood that I was different. My parents told me at 6 or 7 that there WAS in fact something wrong with me, and took me to doctors and such. If your son has been to doctors, he probably already knows he is different. You might not want to tell him EVERYTHING about what is "wrong" with him, but telling him at his current age that yes, he does think and sometimes act differently than others. Most Aspies realize early on that we act different than the other children, so he shouldn't be surprised. I personally believe that the earlier you let him in on what he has, the earlier he will accept it and work to improve himself.

Point out the positives, like he is smarter and has a great understanding of complex things. He will appreciate that.

Thanks,
Your advise and insight are invaluable to me...keep it coming ! !!

I knew that I was different my whole life. My parents waited until I was fifteen to tell me. I think that it would have been easier on my Ego if I was told, around the time that I started Elementary School. No teen wants to be told that they're "Not normal".

I have visited the web site at just the right time, because last night my son whose 12 and just diagnosed with AS had a terrible time.

It seems that he had a maths test yesterday afternoon and made the excuse of having an asthma attack so that he could get out of it. He then went off after school to buy a World of Warcraft figure which he had been saving up for. His 18 year old brother came home and was skitting him for buying a toy and that it was a waste of money, and all the usual things big brothers say when they want to annoy the younger one.

That started the meltdown, my son starts by ill treating our little dog he knows if he does this you have to react. Then at bedtime he wanted to swap beds so I slept in his bed and he got in bed with my husband.

Next thing I know there is a commotion all hells let loose because it seems my husband started to snore so my son shoved him in the back. My son was calling his dad all kind of names and my husband just lost it and said some pretty unkind things to him, so then we ended up having a row.

This morning my son didn't go to school he seemed exhausted and he just seems to be slipping further away from things. We agreed with his school he doesn't need to do homework at the moment as even school seems to be too much and he has a get-out card he can show in lessons if it all feels too much.

When I talked with him today he agreed it would be good to do an hours homework each night (even set an alarm for when the hour is up) because I think he's worried about falling behind with everything which is making him more frustrated.

He doesn't seem to have any friends at this school, so I got him to ask some old friends from junior school to come over at the weekend, now I'm thinking maybe that was wrong too, because its more frustrating when he goes back to his high school. I know there isn't a magic wand but I just wish some one could tell me where I'm going wrong.

I feel for you, Judy. Things will get better though.

I hope so too, I know I just have to be there for him and try to keep calm, but when I'm really tired like today, I'm scared I'll lose it and start screaming at him too. Does it sound sick but sometimes you feel relieved when he's had a meltdown, because then he is much calmer and nicer to be around.

Well since you ask. The get out card is a bad, BAD idea. If a kid gets to bail out everytime he gets frustrated or doesn't want to do something he will never amount to anything. He is being done a grave disservice. Life is frustrated. And yes I hated school myself even though I got good grades but I was forced to sit quietly and do my work like any other kid and I learned from it. If you don't start forcing responsibility on him now then you are going to be stuck supporting this kid when he is 30.

The kid is manipulating you by insisting you sleep in his bed. You come across as a real pushover and must be really fun for a kid to control. That's what you son is doing; he is controlling all the adults around him and getting his way every time.

This is my take on it as an adult with Aspergers. Parents today coddle their children too much. You must let them fail, you must let them make mistakes and learn from them and you must make them live by the same rules as everyone else. Get out of jail free cards will not help your son when he is an adult. If you allow him to continue like this he will probably become the kind of person that does drugs and commits crimes. Do we need more criminals in our world? I think not.

One last note I think you have a lot more than Aspergers going on with your son. Aspergers alone does not make someone act like he is. He is probably Bi-polar too.

Judy~

The meltdowns help them express the frustration and anger they keep bottled up inside, so I can understand why they feel better afterward. When my son starts to feel this way, I let him take a mental health day off from school. Sometimes we'll doing something together...sometimes he just wants to mellow out in his room. It usually helps him feel better, and he is able to regroup and get ready to return to school the next day.

Laura~

My son was dx'd at 6, and we waited until he was 10 to tell him what was really going on with him. However, he has always felt there was something wrong with him. The reason we waited was due to our son's critical understanding skills. Even at 10 it has been hard for him to wrap his brain around the idea that his brain is just wired differently. However, whenever he has expressed confusion of why something was confusing or why something wasn't the way he thought it should be, we would try to explain in simple ways why that was challenging for him. Now, even though he knows the reason why things are different for him, he still feels that there is something wrong with him and that it isn't fair. He still experiences the frustration and the anger. I don't know if the transition would have been easier if we had told him at an earlier age. The only difference now is that we are able to talk about it more maturely.

Thanks for your input, Jsmom. I need as much advise on this subject as possible and this website has really opened my eyes to things only others like us would understand and relate.
I still don't know how I would word it for our almost 6 yr old son....but I'm going to read on and try to come up with a way that makes him feel that he's very special, yet different.
Please keep it coming.
Thanks, Lauradiego

Lauradiego, you are a parent, nervousness and apprehension are your birthright.

When to tell your son? My opinion is now. My son has been seeing doctors and therapists for about 80% of his 10 tears and we have always kept him informed about what was going on. Please do not underestimate your child's ability to understand. You know him, give him information according to his level of understanding but do not talk "down" to him. If he does not understand he will ask, maybe not right away, but he will ask. When speaking to adults be honest, if you son hears he may understand more than they do, his mind hasn't been paraklized by education yet. The truth is always the best way to deal with any situation.

Keep in touch . I know there will be more questions and people here are great

Lauradiego~ there's a really good kids book called "Oliver Onion"....it's about an onion who tries to fit in by being something else, but finds that even though he is different it's ok....reading books about people being different than others could be a segway into talking about what makes him different than others....another good book is: " A porcupine named Fluffy". ..then there's that book about the elephant~can't remember the name though....try asking your local librarian for books about celebrating differences. Bringing things up in a positive light will help keep things positive for your son~ good luck!

Thanks Corsarz and Ster ! !
You both brought up great ideas I hadn't thought of.

Just guessing here, but would this be the one?

Oh yeah...A Bad Case of Stripe by David Shannon is a great book about being different.

no it wasn't dumbo....some book about an elephant who wasn't grey~he was patchwork, if i recall correctly