I don't know how to raise my son. I don't know who he is.

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My son's behaviors change so frequently. In the course of one day he is all over the map and this leaves me and my family on edge. These behaviors are also in school and sports. To describe his "swings" would be difficult to do in a few sentences. I am here because PDD-NOS or "mild" aspergers seems to be the direction we are headed although he has already been diagnosed with "severe" adhd. I have 3 boys all with adhd but my Bob is different. They are all on stimulants and Bob is on Intuniv and small dose of ritalin. Sometimes it helps..I think. But he is different, more extreme in all aspects of life and often crippled by anxiety and fear? He has serious rage, no frustration tolerence I just want to be the best Mom I can to my 5 year old little boy but I don't know how and more times then not I don't think I can.

My question is how do I raise him? Strong discipline seems to make things worse. Patience and understanding seem to enable the unwanted behaviors. Time out? If I can catch him. Taking away a toy, TV, Ipad? He doesn't care. He has no real "love" of any one thing for any long period of time. Each day his interest is different but it will last the whole day and often all he will talk about. I am tired of trying to predict a meltdown, watching for triggers, correcting the way others speak to him because I know what may set him off and how hard it is to bring him back. I have been punched, kicked (when he is sleeping and when awake), poked with a forked, bitten, called a rat ass, fat ass, told I was hated and he didn't want to live here anymore, fixed broken furniture, re-folded many piles of laundry, had to physically restrained and have been stared at most times we venture out into public. He is only 5. I am tired. I don't know how to raise my son. I am not sure I can.

Jo

Is he having mood swings, with both high-energy and low-energy moods? Because you might want to look into childhood-onset bipolar in that case. (Incidentally, mania in children isn't always a pleasant emotion, but it's always a high-energy one. It can be happiness, or paranoia, or rages, etc.)

I don't know about handling all the different type of diagnoses out there, but I will tell you what helped us. We have had to find the sweet spot for punishment, which is low for us b/c punishment is not effective other than as a marker to let him know we are very displeased. If it is set too high he feels aggrieved and the behavior gets worse.

We do have some use for incentives but only when it is something that involves motivation, as an extra encouragement. If it is something he has genuine discomfort for or a real dislike for, forget about it.

The best thing that has worked for us is scaffolding. We just kept high frustration things at bay until he was better able to handle them. In other words when just barely out of reach, but doable. I would make a list of the things that really frustrate your son and try to keep him away from those situations as best you can until he matures and can handle them. Then introduce new ones slowly, one by one, if possible, adding new ones always when just barely out of reach.

Vyvanse helped my younger son who has ADHD and also seems to have lots of frustration and anger problems. He's 18 now and been on it a little while and is still on the 20mg. It works so well they didn't have to up the dose. I couldn't take any of the speedier ones because he can't stand the feeling he gets from it. He doesn't get any feeling like that from Vyvanse even though it's an amphetamine. He's able to control his anger a lot more and his frustration. He's working at a store and also their security and that helps him channel any kind of negative feelings into something constructive. Being angry and having to move and stack 300 cases of beer or physically throw a crack head out of the store gives him an outlet for that kind of thing. I would get him into boxing but I think he would get too angry. He's the one I think may have mild AS too, but I'm not sure. I do have it though, diagnosed in my 40's.

I had a lot of frustration as a child too and outbursts and temper fits and meltdowns over things, and (nobody scream at me I'm not telling her to do this I'm only saying what was done to me as a child) my mother and grandmother would spank me with a hickory and that put a stop to whatever bad behavior I could help at the time. It doesn't do anything but sting the legs. If he's having problems and doing things he cannot help though, then spanking him would be the absolute worst thing to do. I guess the thing is to figure out what he can control and what he can't. Treat the things he can't control and help him learn to be able to and punish the things he can control and just won't. But like I said, it's a fine line and hard to tell and I don't know how to find out. Maybe some other parents here could tell you how to determine whether it's voluntary or not.

But, if your doc wants to, give Vyvanse a try. I cannot recommend it enough and think it's a lifesaver for my son.

I've got a kid like that too. We're no longer welcome in a couple of libraries and department stores. I've got scratches and bite marks on my arms. He hasn't been diagnosed with ADHD but I'm pretty sure he has it. He has PDD-NOS for now.

If it helps at all, you have come to the right place! Welcome! When I first learned of my DS's dx when he was 3 going on 4, we were having similar experiences as you describe. I never knew what to expect or what was coming next. I have learned TONS here and our lives are much better now. DS is now 7. It is a tough learning curve for sure. A member here wrote an online book you might find helpful:
http://www.asdstuff.com/
Click on The Goods and you will see a link on the left side of the page Congratulations, Your Child is Strange.

There is also a Parenting Index stickie at the top of the Parent's forum page. You can browse through there and see if any of the topics that have been indexed are particular issues for your family.

As you have already surmised, strong discipline does not often get a parent anywhere with a kid on the spectrum. It takes a lot of detective work to figure out what an ASD kids likes, what he cannot tolerate, what little things happen on a daily basis that irritate him until he reaches a boiling point... Spectrum kids often need a lot of support learning to identify their emotional state, how to express their emotional state in a way others can understand and how to cope with strong emotions.

Some general advice, take it or leave it: Don't try to address everything at once though or you and he will both feel like failures. Try to identify the issue that is causing you and him the most trouble right now and make a plan for how to deal with just that one thing. Be prepared to change the plan if your first one doesn't work. Take small steps and be ready to provide lots of positive reinforcement. Don't hesitate to ask questions here. There's many folks with different perspectives and that can be great for problem solving!

Whatever he's into that particular day, that's the thing you take away for bad behavior. You have to find out what his "currency" is, even if that currency changes frequently. If you can, have a timeout space where he can rage all he likes without doing any serious damage. Tell him he's not leaving that chair/area until he's calm, and then ignore all the ranting and raving. The length of time it takes him to calm down should decrease within a few days.
Hopefully this helps a little. Good luck. Trial and error and flexibility.

Hey there. Your son sounds a lot like my son's classmate at age 3, 4, 5 and 6. Happily now at 7 there is a combination of simply maturing, getting a lot of support, and being in a DIR Floortime school. He has stopped hitting and stopped verbally assaulting for the most part, and the instructors give him a chance to "exist" in his emotions rather than the distraction technique caregivers had done with him before then. It's not an easy thing.

I think personally punishment is the worst thing for these kids, but one way I find getting our kids on board with consequences was to gather the children and create a list of rules that everyone agrees on. And the consequence is a meaningful but small thing, like taking away a star form the chart (all stars mush be maintained for a whole week for a reward rather than earning rewards for being good). You create the rules during a quiet time when the kids are in a good mood. I'm sure your son has good days and has a positive side, play into that as much as you can. Rewards include mom-and-son Lego time, for example...whatever is meaningful to the child.

It's difficult not to focus on tactics but it's important to step back and think long term...It was quite profound to me when I heard someone tell me that most of the time you will know your children, they will be adults. So how independent they will be all depends on how empowered they will feel and how able to self-regulate. At my son's school the focus is on self-regulation and meaningful relationships. He has very very slowly been developing self-regulating techniques, like the creation of a "Cool Down Kit" and other empowering devices. He is 7 and I can finally see that the trajectory is positive. You can look for DIR Floortime method videos for examples of how they connect and engage with ASD kids. I feel for you. Why does it seem we are on our own for the most part? Good thing for forums like these.

My son is around the same age (almost 5) with dx PDD-NOS and your son's behavior sounds as bewildering and frustrating as ours. What has worked for us are these things:

1) Seamlessness between home and school. His teachers were not equipped to deal with a kid like him, and they were more like a glorified day care that wouldn't get strict on the kids. So, DS would get away with bad behaviors at school and it was much harder to deal with at home. He did get a SEIT, so now there is more consistency between his expectations of behavior.

2) Consequences AND patience with understanding. My son is HYPERSENSITIVE to any subtle tone of frustration or annoyance in my voice and mood. I have to be as neutral as possible in my delivery when correcting him. I have to be upbeat and not become Debbie Downer with my "here we go again" attitude. I acknowledge and validate his feelings but make sure he knows his behavior is inappropriate ("DS, I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH and I understand you are VERY ANGRY and you have a right to feel ANGRY about (having to do XYZ) and I know it's hard to do XYZ because I was a kid too and used to get ANGRY at XYX too! Now, even though you have the right to feel ANGRY, you do NOT have the right to (be rude, punch, hit, throw, etc.). Now go say your sorry and if you do it ONE MORE TIME, you will go to sleep early/ bed right away/ time out, etc.") And as soon as he does something he shouldn't then the consequence is issued. So far this approach has worked for me. That is not to say it will continue to work, but I'm optimistic!

3) Consistency in expectations. I work on a few things at a time now. I know that he can do the things but for whatever reason if he chooses NOT to, then there is a consequence. I used to be afraid that he couldn't do certain things, but now that I see that he can, he is expected to do them. He will often take the lazy way out, and sometimes I do give in, but now it is more the exception to the rule. He HAS to eat with his utensils and he HAS to sit down and finish his meal (because he will not sit down at school if he is not expected to at home) otherwise he will get a time out/ sit at the baby table/ take 15 minutes off his bedtime.

4) Countdown. I give him the Count to Three to give him a chance to change his behavior. One...Two....(and then watch him scramble)

Last edited by mikassyna on 08 May 2013, 10:43 am, edited 1 time in total.

FYI - we had this at that age, and that was always my assumption. Turns out it was garden-variety AS, but my son had the ability to "hold it in" for significant lengths of time. Now, with treatment and understanding of his condition he is a little more crabby on a day-to-day basis - but we don't have those weird mood swings.

Not saying it couldn't be bipolar, just that there are alternate explanations.

OP, I would highly recommend you check over the Parenting Index stickied at the top of this board. There are several subtopics there that you might find useful, and that might help you ask more specific questions...

I'm not a parent, but I know what worked for my parents (ok, what worked for my mom. dad was and is a little different) when I first started acting out and having problems was a) meds for me (life saver. would not be here without them) and b) a good therapist/counselor/some kind of psych professional. You're doing the med route, therapy may help you understand why he acts the way he does, the best way to handle him when he's in a state, coping skills for you and for him, how to prevent episodes, etc. It really really helped in my family's case. No joke, that family therapist probably saved my life because I was extremely suicidal when I was 8 and my parents were on the verge of putting me in a hospital. I'm 24 now, almost 25, graduated college with a high GPA, am happy and well-adjusted, have stable relationships, and I credit it medication, therapy, and I had a mother who fought like hell for me. It sounds like that's what you're doing, your children are very lucky. Also, therapy is nice when they get a little older because it's easier to talk to a therapist about problems with your parents than your parents. For instance, as an 8 year old, I couldn't go up to my father and tell him "Daddy, when you scream and curse and belittle me and mom and brother, it terrifies me and makes me incredibly anxious and I feel like you don't love me and that makes me so sad I want to die." But I could tell that to my therapist.

I could have written this.My son is 6.It's very stressful, for him and for us.We have tried a mild medication but when he refuses to eat there is no way to get it in him.We are trying a rewards chart with him but it is slow going.The rages are hard.I think going to school has put a lot of pressure on him and caused a lot of the behavior.Just know you are not alone.

I'm not sure if stimulants are good. I say this a lot on this board. For me anyway, with NVLD, I tried Ritalin, and it basically made me...dumb. Like it made me MUCH more impulsive. I guess a way to describe NVLD thought process is, you naturally have basically paragraphs of thoughts in your head at any given second. To most people this would be "racing thoughts" but to me it's normal. The problem is, overthinking like this is sorta stressful, but it's the coping mechanism my brain uses to adapt to the world. Anyway, Ritalin took most of those thoughts away, but there was nothing else there. As far as impulsivity goes, I was WAY more likely just to argue with people for no good reason on Ritalin. Again, generally have a giant stream of thoughts going on, and the main "argument" going on in my head is logic. Whether or not something I'm doing is logical. With less of those thoughts, more just impulsiveness in general.

I mean, I'm unsure of ADHD. I mean in my life, I was always disorganized as all hell, now I know due to my NVLD, but I could hyperfocus on things I liked. So maybe I have it to some extent. Also as a kid I was in Christian school and never got diagnosed with anything and was just told to toughen up and pull yourself by the bootstraps blah blah type thing.

Anyway, I do think it's pretty unethical to give kids stimulant drugs like these, but I'm not arguing that in this post. What I'm saying is, the stimulants may actually be making things worse. I would see about trying to get him off them for a month and see if he calms down. Again, not entirely sure of everything, just my experience with Ritalin was that it made me a jerk. If your son does have "different" neurology, it could, too.